Tonight on RHOBH we are going to question Kim Richard’s sobriety! What a lovely storyline. Not. WTF is wrong with these people? But first, let’s take her to a wine tasting! On the two hour ride to the spa day, the ladies discuss their lady gardens in intimate detail. As a bunch of grown women are prone to do on road trips. I mean don’t you wonder about the personal grooming of your friends when on the way to the spa?
Vanderpump, Eileen and Brandi get massages in the same room. Brandi mentions herpes. As grown women do when enjoying a spa day. Brandi’s second topic choice is anal. Rinna, Kim and Kyle are in the other room. Rinna and Kyle are over Brandi but Kim is still defending her.
Yolanda is with Gigi in New York. She thrilled over Gigi’s Harper’s Bazaar spread. Bella shows up with headshots later.
Time to take the alcoholic with less than a year sober to the bar again! The sommelier knows Kim is not drinking and prepared her a mango juice, and yet she asks her if she wants to smell the wine. Kim very quietly and discreetly leaves the event. But people go out to check on her and drag her back in. On the ride home the women discuss their sexual fantasies of course. What else is their to talk about other than vaginas? Brandi’s sexual fantasy is about catching her man with another woman. So she can check that off her bucket list. In Brandi’s talking head, she says all the other ladies husbands are cheating. No dear. That was yours. And possibly Kyle’s. Go scratch.
Kim and Kyle go to lunch. Kyle apologizes to Kim about the wine tasting debacle. Kyle says she thought it was a lunch with wine pairings. Kim says the only thing she was pissed out was there was no lunch.
Eileen’s husband, Vince is a poker pro and has agreed to host a tournament for the ladies. I doubt they know how lucky they are but Vince Van Patten is to Poker as David Foster is to music. Brandy is drunk and brings three bottles into the limo to the Poker Party. I predict Brandi will be drunk and inappropriate with Vince. I suppose that does not necessarily make me Kreskin.
What the fuck is wrong with Lisa Rinna? She’s not in her limo with Kim for five minutes before she asks Kim if she is drinking or on drugs. Even if you suspect, you don’t know Kim well enough to ask her that! Kim says no. That said, Kim does seem fucked up. She is clearly on something. Okay, I admit I got up to get tea for half a second when Lisa got in the limo. There is not doubt that there is something terribly wrong with Kim. It’s scary. Like I bet Lisa wants to pull over and get out scary. LOL as soon as I type that. Lisa says she wishes she could get out of the car and run.
Brandi insults everything about Eileen’s house. As grown women do when being invited into someone’s home.
The ladies all sit for a poker game to be instructed by one of the best poker players in the country and the foolishness starts. As he walks them through a practice hand, Kim starts cussing out Vince because she doesn’t like her cards. Rinna is ignoring at this point and has strategically placed herself as far away as possible. Kim is clearly on something and I feel badly for watching this. But I will. So let’s continue. Brandi is drunk. Kyle is too dumb to understand the game. Brandi tells Kyle to stop acting stupid. Kyle says she is not acting. Actually Kim ended up winning the hand so now she is manic. Kim is telling everyone at the table to fuck off individually.
Vince realizes he needs to end the game and nudge people home. Last hand for all the bragging rights. Vince makes a comment about “big stick” referring to a poker marker and just like that Brandi says to the table, “I feel like I want to have sex with him.” To which Eileen replies, “Maybe not.” Oh school will be fun for the Cibrian boys tomorrow. Brandi wins the final pot and gets the trophy and Vince unwisely encourages a speech. She says that she is the only non actress here and that they are all stupid.
Kim picks up the big stick and calls it a dildo and claims she is taking it home (for those not watching the big stick is just a wooden dowel that is passed around to determine turns. Wooden sticks do not make good dildos). Kim keeps telling Kyle not to be jealous. Eileen is beyond shocked, appalled, horrified, disturbed and confused.
Kyle realizes the gravity of the situation. She’s embarrassed and panicking. Kyle goes to the bathroom with her phone to call someone for backup. Kim gets up and goes to the bathroom behind her. Behind the bathroom door Kyle tells Kim she is embarrassing her. Kim says she doesn’t care. Kyle says she cares and it doesn’t look like Kim is okay. Kim denies being on anything. Kim eventually admits she took some of Monty’s pills. I said having someone on hospice with liquid morphine and other drugs around Kim was not a good idea.
When Kim comes out of the bathroom, Brandi walks Kim out. Kim tells Brandi that Kyle was saying mean things to her. Brandi says she has her back. Brandi tries to get Kim into the limo but she wants to say good night. Brandi asks her not to but Kim brushes past her. They all try to get Kim to eat something. Kim says “thanks for doing that!” to Kyle and storms toward the door. Kyle has no idea what she means. Brandi has the pizza for Kim and is trying to get her out without a further scene but Kyle is intent on talking to her sister. Brandi keeps telling Kyle to stop. Kyle grabs Brandi once. Brandi keeps walking and says, Don’t you fucking touch me!” Kyle says “no…” and slings Brandi around sending pizza flying. This time Brandi pushes Kyle fairy hard and walks out with Kim. She apologizes to Kim for pushing Kyle saying, “she just pushed me and I didn’t know what to do.”
My two thoughts on this episode were why was Kyle the last to notice Kim was fucked up? And I feel dirty for watching this episode in a new and shocking way even for Bravo.
Next Week: We pick up back at Eileen’s house, where we will probably never be invited again. The drama continues with all the girls still there. Kim ends up in the hospital. Kyle and Vanderpump discuss how over Brandi they are and Yolanda lectures Brandi about her drinking.