I’m not sure if we actually even GET to Puerto Rico tonight based on the episode description. In case you missed my tea during filming, you can read it here. It’s interesting to note that at this time, Demetria was still holding a peach and Claudia was not. Perhaps the drama on this trip was the catalyst for Bravo changing their mind for the millionth time about who would be on the show.
Claudia goes to the foot doctor with Kenya. She has terrible feet from being an athlete and a model. I don’t need to see her feet. But the doctor was cute.
Kandi meets up with Demetria for lunch to apologize to her about the Roger Bobb thing at the sex party. Demetria sucks up to Kandi. Ah, and here is why. She wants to work with Kandi. Kandi is not interested. Kandi gives Demetria some very specific sex advice. #FixItJesus
Kenya stops by Cynthia’s office to talk to her about helping her find an assistant. Perhaps an ad in the paper? Oh no. Apparently, this job requires a casting call. Kenya is throwing shade at Nene in every scene. As well she should. Kenya and Cynthia discuss Nene’s ugly demeanor…and her toupee.
Nene shows up at Demetria’s studio to give her advice. Nene is dressed as G.I. Joe for the occasion. Phaedra Parks turns up as well. It appears it doesn’t take Demetria long to scurry to the other team in Puerto Rico. Nene tells Demetria she is all “girl power” and about supporting women. They talk about Roger Bobb. Nene is there giving her relationship advice. I’m serious. Phaedra goes in on Demetria for saying that she and Roger Bobb were on break when he screwed the blue-haired girl. Now Phaedra is asking Demetria why she didn’t start her singing career when she was a “fresher flower.” Oh I see, this is going to end her alliance with Nene and Phaedra right here. Phaedra is bringing her stank attitude to Demetria before they spend any time together. Did Demetria do Apollo while she was on one of her breaks? Phaedra just keeps going in. Demetria talks about her character on House of Payne and Phaedra asks her if she has ever done crack. I’m surprised Demetria hasn’t gotten up out of her seat yet. I would have already thrown her out. Phaedra seems to be on something. She’s pulling even more funny faces than usual and can barely keep her three layers of fake eyelashes up.
We make it to Puerto Rico in minute 19. YAY! So much happened there that is more important than Claudia’s fugly feet or Kenya wanting a handmaiden.
Porsha was late and almost missed the plane. Then when she arrives at Puerto Rico she immediately starts screaming at their driver to handle her luggage. It’s on wheels. The she starts embarrassing the fake Bravo hostess whose fake boyfriend fake paid for the trip by pointing out if he cared about her he would be there for her show. He’s not. Roger Bobb has other
chicks things to do.
Kandi points out that Porsha is good at getting men to do things. She has an “$80,000” handbag. Please let someone knock her over her lollipop head and take that from her. Puerto Rico is beautiful, but it’s not a place to travel with expensive items. Kandi, Porsha and Demetria seem to have been on a separate flight from Kenya, Claudia and Cynthia. It just occurred to me I haven’t seen Nene and Phaedra. Those two probably refused to fly with the others. They were both acting all sorts of crazy at the time.
Apparently, there were two rooms that were larger than the other six. Demetria gets one and Kandi and Porsha flip for the other. Porsha wins.
Porsha seems to think she is Queen Bee. She is fighting for that peach being as over the top diva as she can be. So much hair and make-up, like prostitute levels. Oh wait. I guess that makes sense. I can’t believe that Bravo is making hooking for handbags her storyline this season. Oh wait. Yes I can.
Demetria immediately dumps Kandi and Porsha for Team Beauty. She tells the girls how Phaedra is coming for her. Kenya says the same thing happened to her when she was new to the show. Kenya tells her to put her foot down.
Nene and Phaedra arrive. Never in the history of the Real Housewives have I seen three separate flights booked. Ever. These ladies were fighting from day one. Nene and Phaedra mock PORSHA on their ride in. Somehow they ended up with one of her bags. I wonder how Porsha feels seeing this since her entire purpose for being on the show was to suck on these two bitches gaping assholes? Oh wait. Phaedra continues to trash talk Demetria. At the hotel, Phaedra trash talks not just Demetria, but her glam squad. Nene is pissy about her room not being big enough. What the fuck is wrong with these sorry excuses for women?
Team Beast is too dreadful to recap.
They are eating where they are staying, at Olive. It’s a really cute boutique hotel. The dinner setting is lovely. Team Pretty is first to arrive and seems to appreciate the beautiful setting. Team Beast arrives and Phaedra is bitching already.
Oh Lord. We have another Nene talking head outfit and wig. Well, half a wig it would appear. Times must be hard when you can only afford half a wig. Did Nene get lip injections or did someone give her a fat lip.? She looks like this. Only with fuchsia lipstick.
Nene orders a cocktail with precise specifications. Porsha and Phaedra both decide to follow Nene’s lead. Of course they do.
Demetria begins to talk about her concert which is the reason they all got a free trip to Puerto Rico, and Phaedra starts her grunting and mmmmhmmming at Demetria. Demetria begins to address it and Porsha says to Demetria, “You are starting the dinner out with negativity?” Whoring really makes Porsha think she is somebody. It’s sad. Phaedra tries to act like she isn’t acting like a rogue beast with a pill habit. Demetria is not having it. She drops the bomb. “The only thing you and I have in common is the number 8. Yours is going, mines been here for 8.” BAM. I think I might like Demetria. Dramatic pause. Dead silence. Point Demetria.
In round two, Claudia needs more wine and the waiter is not forthcoming. Kenya passes her glass to her and says she can have hers. Nene steps up to the plate and starts talking about how Claudia should not drink after Kenya. Nene laughs like a hyena and so Phaedra and Porsha do too. The three of them laugh loudly and high five each other across the table. #TeamBeast Kandi asks what is so funny? Porsha says she will tell Kandi later. You know after Nene explains it to her with pictures.
Cynthia tries to suggest that Phaedra act like she has some home training and smooth things over with the hostess. Nene jumps on Cynthia saying she hates when people participate in group think. (paraphrased Nene was getting all illiterate) Nene acts like she is mad that her little army of three is in the minority. Nene and her REALLY bad skin and Phaedra are just outright cunts to everyone at the table for no reason. At one point Nene says “Kandi why don’t you look around Puerto Rico and see if there is a studio where they can go drop some beats?”
Claudia finally opens her mouth. Nene tries to say that Kenya is telling Claudia what to say. I should point out that other than to offer Claudia her drink, Kenya has not opened her mouth or contributed to the ratchetness. Claudia says that is funny coming from the puppet master. Nene starts with how rich she is from all of her jobs. She says Claudia wishes she had what Nene has in the bank. Claudia shoots back with, “Yeah, I do. You know for 17 years I’ve been working and never had to get on the pole.”
Nene says, “You know you filed bankruptcy!”
Claudia says, “Never been arrested!”
Nene says, “Nene says she was arrested in her twenties when she was in college”
And SHIT. Maybe malfunction. Apparently my DVR is not really recording this so when I get more than 25 minutes behind, I can no longer pause. I missed the best part. Claudia tells Nene she is half her age. She says when Nene was Claudia’s age she still had edges… I am going to have to tape the second viewing just to see the last two minutes.
Until then. Tell me did Nene turn her back on Claudia so she could not see her face? What I miss?