Can we all say a little prayer that there will be plenty of Kristen tonight? Because, in case you haven’t noticed I’ve been sort of half way back on the crazy train lately and Kristen makes me feel sane. She’s my favorite because I look at her and think, “well, at least I am not that batshit. (most of the time).” Frankly, I’m not even sure she is the most mentally ill person on this crapfest of a show, she just doesn’t even try to mask her crazy. I like that about her. Anyway, on with tonight’s Vanderpump Rules.
Kristen and James go our for afternoon drinks with Scheana and Shay. The engaged couple is having a joint bachelor/bachelorette party in Miami. Kristen and James are trying to figure out if they are still invited to Miami. Scheana clearly doesn’t want them to go anymore. But they just up and announce they are going.
Stassi and her minions are at another establishment and Vail was invited. Stassi is so jealous of Vail she can’t stand it. Vail went to Princeton and was on a soap and had several movie roles. The gang interrogates her and warn her to stay away from Jax. This of course will send her running to him. Katie explains how Jax lies about Schwartz cheating. Um, I thought Schwartz admitted to cheating. The problem with Katie and Schwartz’s relationship according to Katie is Jax. Yes, dear. It does kind of suck when your boyfriend has a boyfriend. Perhaps you should work the three-way angle. Have you even considered that?
Kate goes to Lisa to complain about Jax. Because that is what one does. When you have personal problems you go to your boss and vent. Then you ask your boss to move the co-worker you don’t like to the other restaurant. Lisa wants to know what Schwartz would do if she gave Schwartz and ultimatum to choose her or Jax. Lisa points out that Schwartz just really isn’t that into her.
Scheana is working on another song. Who pays for this crap? Scheana can’t really sing. I mean I like her fine but I don’t see her doing this as a career. Anyway, James wrote a new song for her and they were listening to it when Sandoval calls to say they all need to rally around Jax because Tiffany dumped him. Or something.
Katie drags Schwartz to couples therapy. Schwartz talks about the relationship as if it is already over. Again? Who pays for this therapy? Oh yeah Bravo. Promotional consideration. Sorry I forgot for a moment. Katie says they never have sex. If you are dating a 20 something red-blooded American male and they don’t want sex, they are getting it elsewhere. Like oh I dunno, from their lover, Jax. Allegedly. Schwartz basically says he is making an effort to be more intimate with her, but… you know, it’s work.
Scheana and Tom and Jax meet to talk about Jax’ broken heart. Sandoval can’t get his nail polish off. Jax says, “did you get the kind with acetone?” I mean every straight male I know, that would be their first question. Oh no. Wait. The first thing they would say is, “Dude, WTF are you wearing nail polish for in the first place? Did you lose a bet?” Jax says he is not really broken up with Tiffany. He was just drunk when he texted everyone. They made up later. Vail called Jax and said she heard he broke up with his girlfriend. They make a date for coffee. Stassi is going to cut this bitch. Jax denies wanting to bang Vail. No one believes him. Scheana tells Sandoval that James wants to make up with him and Sandoval is not having it.
Someone actually allows Stassi to babysit their child.
Jax and Vail have a coffee date. She has to get her nasal passage cauterized because she used to do a lot of coke. Vail is way too smart for Jax. He just said that as I was typing it. Jax does get that Vail is attracted to bad boys so he is not that stupid. Vail may be smart, but her picker is broken as Patti Stanger would say. I can totally relate to Vail.
James tries to smooth things over with Sandoval before the Miami trip. Sandoval is not really interested in a friendship with James. Sandoval says that Kristen ruined his life and he doesn’t need either of them in his life. Kristen gleefully watches from behind a potted plant. Because, crazy. Then my girl attacks Sandoval over crap even I don’t understand and I am fluent in crazy. Then James returns and James and Kristen double team Sandoval with the crazy. James tells Kristen he cannot wait to see the look on Sandoval’s face with Arianna learns the truth.
Next Week: The boys all go to San Diego and Jax fucks soms skank in the bathroom that is not Tiffany or Vail.