I’ve had sort of a stressful evening so I am sipping the hell out of some wine and loading all the weapons and taking the collar off the attack dog in case he “gets loose.” So don’t sweat me about this Real Housewives of Atlanta recap. I may or may not have to stop and drag a body or three over the threshold but, but we will get through this.
Is the first HW of the evening and she is visiting Claudia who is the first person mentioned in the official description of this episode. Who is the HBIC now?
Claudia gets the intro on the same scene. MMMMhmmm Claudia has a stunning corner apartment with a view of the whole city. Claudia is so city girllllll *SCHREEEECCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHH* Holy fuck. Red solo cups. I can’t. Please give me a minute to compose myself as these two Yankees get all Kim Zolciak (born Yankee) and act all white trash. I can’t. I really can’t. OMG! Kenya acknowledges the problem. Kindly and gently and points out that is what winos do. THANK YOU KENYA. Frankly, I have heard that the girls do it for the same reasons they don’t eat during restaurant scenes. Production makes them do it for continuity. You know, full glass empty glass. full glass again issues. I’m sorry I just would not be able to comply. It’s a travesty.
OMG! AGAIN! Claudia is not understanding the situation and reads Kenya for this comment in her talking head.
There are two kinds of people in this world. People who serve people wine in a red Solo cup in their home and people who do not. I LIVE IN THE MOTHER FUCKING HOOD and I would never do this in a million years. I also serve beer in chilled glasses and co-cola in a drinking glass with ice even when my dates with no home training tell me it is not necessary. IT IS FUCKING NECESSARY. As far as the beer goes, after we’ve er…. gotten to know each other ….a bottle is fine. But a canned beer will go in the glass every last time until I pass out on the floor in a puddle of vomit. BECAUSE I HAVE CLASS! Do NOT argue with me about this, you miscreants. You will not win!
Moving on. Claudia is a cat person. Dear God, Kenya promised we would like this chick. I agree with Kenya. No pussy for Kenya, No pussy for Tamara. Unless I’m in Canada and it’s really cold. Also, Claudia you are tiny. Why is your shirt too small? I don’t like Claudia’s hair in her talking heads. And why is she putting together IKEA in that highrise. That is what us ghetto living girls do.
Kandi goes to her Fayetteville house with Todd because she is going to sell it since her mother decided not to move in. Kandi even mentioned that her mother did not want it because it was not in her name. #$$$$ She never wanted to live all the damn way out there anyway. Meanwhile, Mama Joyce’s “boyfriend” ( really *shudder*) has demolished the house in the name of “starting rennovations.” This has better be storyline because if it was not I would drop kick my Mama to Mexico. Because there is like 50K in damages. Todd wonders when Kandi is ever going to hold her mother accountable. Kandi trashes Todd (?!?!) in her talking head for always having negative things to say about her mother. Kandi’s entire storyline is “reasons Todd should never have married Kandi.” Given the fact Todd’s mother recently died of a stroke, I’d say that production probably regrets that storyline now. But, truth is truth.
Later Kandi goes to MaryMac’s with her aunts. She tells them about all the damage. Kandi says Mama Joyce’s man is using her for her money. LOL. She says she loves Sharon. The aunts say they want Sharon and Mama Joyce to get back together. This scene seems edited in after Sharon’s untimely death.
Cynthia is so sick of Nene bad mouthing her in interviews. Cynthia says Nene acts like she would be open to talking things out with Cynthia about things. She brings us the Kenya and Nene charity event where she jumped all over her husband but editing makes it seem like it is the situation where Kenya made the donation and Nene failed to match it. #Editing But still both situations make Nene look vile.
Cynthia says that for her the unraveling of their relationship was when Nene showed her ass at the charity event that Kenya threw for Nene’s fake charity. Cynthia is not allowed to mention that “Nene’s favorite charity” is some bullshit. Then Peter says he was over her once she decided to call him a bitch. Which they replayed for the Nenetard’s who fall for Nene’s historical rewrites. What she said was, “STOP TRYING TO BE A DAMN BITCH!” Which of course in Nene’s world, standing up for her submissive husband to the Jamaican man because she looks like a man and carries around a couple of testicles in her pocketbook, is called “being a great friend to Cynthia.”
Cynthia says that it wasn’t just the bitch comment to her husband that ended the relationship. She put up with too much for too long and she is not having it any more.
I dunno why the hell Phaedra painted that house white in Atlanta. I loved the pretty peach color. Last I heard, she was abandoning (postponing) her fight to erect a GIANT FENCE with a swing gate in front of the house since her neighbors had a fit about her “special zoning request because she is as celebrity.” These reality people and their privacy shit. Phaedra’s children run loose in the street all the time despite the numerous full-time nannies and babysitters and her petition for a zoning variance was something about “all the paparazzi wanting pictures of her children.” Are you kidding me?
We are back to the first look scene that you can rewatch the first few minutes here. Did you ever notice how so many RHOA are turning into Kim Biermann? One is desperately trying to be the new blond wig wearer and another seems to have had the post baby work done while cooking in her kitchen with no bra on… #Tea. #BlindItemRevealed Is that a post operative abdominal wrap? And why do the neighbors always miss the other housewives arriving? They must have been out and about when Kandi showed up for this scene.
Phaedra Parks, southern belle, woman of extreme religious credibility, daughter of pastors, and wife of a clean man, explains to us in a talking head that Kenya the whore who hired a boyfriend (um I don’t think that is how whores work but Phaedra knows better than I..) and “tried to rent the African man” Well you see… dear… whores are the ones who ARE rented. If you want to call her a whore then say she is flying to Africa to BE A whore. Because it is not necessary to rent a man from Africa when Atlanta is full of hot gay male actors who would LOVE to play the part of her man on TV. Plus, Kenya tried to put a stop to this rumor seasons ago STANDING IN THE AIRPORT WITH HER TICKET TO LAGOS IN HER DAMN HAND and posting the picture on INSTAGRAM. A well a pictures of her in Nigeria. And articles about her in OK! Magazine Nigeria (yeah I didn’t know that was a thing either) and the scene on RHOA where Nene made fun of her African man that she met, and…. oh I feel for Kenya. Why bother at this point.
But now Phaedra Parks, the paragon of religious values would like to claim that Kenya paid off Apollo to clear her name before her clean man, with whom she has been creeping with on air mattresses in the ghetto to perform her head doctor duties because he was under house arrest and wearing a leg monitor, goes off to prison AGAIN for the same damn thing he was doing when she picked him up is the real whore here. #DEEPBREATH. Are you fucking kidding me you sociopathic lunatic? NO ONE BELEIVES YOU ANYMORE.
Kenya is “trying to clean her character up?” And by the way, you seem a bit slurry with your words in your talking heads. I’m just saying. You should have had the lipo on your arms while you were “taking a few days off because of your husband’s issues.”
Oh look a Nene credit! Brentt learns to drive. Gotta FF. I am already an hour late with this…No time for the reworked Nene scenes so that she can have a peach.
Same with Claudia ‘s next scene working out with Kenya. I’m very behind. Heh. Heh. Behind. Okay I paused to see what they are talking about. Mama issues. I cant do that tonight.
Kandi is there first and Phaedra arrives next. Phaedra and her holy roller bullshit arrives next. I’ve studied the bible quite a bit in my life. I have a Koran that I read from time to time but confess as to not being as familiar with, mostly because my copy is about five inches this because it is Arabic on one side and English on the other. I do not hold myself out as a religious person, but I have a pretty good grasp on the concepts. And if there is one true thing I know about religion it is that Phaedra Parks will spend an eternity in hell. If we are all not going to heaven, like the Pollyanna’s think, and there is a heaven and a hell as the Bible specifically states, then, Phaedra Parks will have a VIP pass to Hades. She needs to read about false prophets and those who mislead and twist the word of God for their own benefit. One of the most commonly quoted verses of the Bible that she uses as a shield is about a woman who has committed adultery…. it’s the whole ” let ye who is without sin cast the first stone” shit. And everyone scampered. It’s in I believe all four of the first for books of the New Testament if she needs further guidance. But from a cunt who has her first spawn of Satan brought in on a litter into a church service all about him, I can see how she would not get that. This is when I was done with Phaedra Parks. She is a sociopath and a heretic.
Phaedra says a prayer (and Kandi is laughing) “Well honey, we might just need to have a word of prayer before these heffers get here. Lord, intervene Holy Spirit. We come against everything that is not of You , Lord. We come against whores, we come against liars, we come against of anything that is not of God. Amen”
I’d like to point out that this cunt is up in any pulpit that will take her and is tryna be the new Al Sharpton throwing himself in front of any camera where a black person might get some TV time on a news station. She’s way worse than Nene. Phaedra is a sociopath. It’s scary. Like I am not sure I can watch this season scary.
OMG Cynthia went from looking STUNNING in her talking head to some new thing with HIDEOUS blue eye shadow. I cannot believe what I am seeing.
Kenya arrives next. Cynthia and Kandi greet her with kisses. Kenya smiles at Phaedra and says “Hi Phaedra” kinda like I did at my Thanksgiving dinner this year when the asshole brigade started to roll in. Last year, the dude climbed in the window to wait for me to leave my own family function. This year, he jumped out of the bushes and went in the front door when I left. Sadly, I was only loading the car. He could have laid there in the bushed for an extra 15 minutes but what’s the saying about a fat kid to cake? And the hummingbird cake really was that good. So I just took mine to go.
Anyway, say what you will about Porsha but her sugardaddy has her looking pretty with new tits, great hair and makeup and a lovely frock. Too bad she could not keep him. He was a good look for her. Too bad sugardaddy’s can’t buy brain implants. I guess that would be counterproductive.
And then came Nene along with the depressing music courtesy of production. What is that white shit she is wearing? And why doesn’t it fit? I must say this is my favorite wig she wears but I like more fingercurls. If she insists on being a blonde, I like this one, so sue me. In Nene’s talking head she says she is not interested in being in any negative environment. I actually believe her. She has things going on, she just did a Vegas show that was about half full and mostly remembered her lines which were not funny. That’s got to be fun! But sadly, she has made pretty much everyone on this cast and in production despise her, so negative it will be.
Kandi says she has everyone come so they could all move forward (for the new season). Kenya says that there is a big elephant in the room.
No, not that one…..she means this one…
Kenya explains that she appreciates Apollo admitting he lied about her and that she would appreciate that moving forward they would extend her the benefit of the doubt because that is what she would do. Nene jumps right in and says she never called Kenya a whore… Kenya says she didn’t BUT SHE DID. Kenya is just not being argumentative. Kenya and Nene seems to be making amends… but the Reverend’s child who just prayed for God’s holy spirit to encompass the evening is either speaking in tongues or speaking under her breath.
Kenya asks what she is muttering about. Phaedra Parks, bastion of truth and wife of a clean man says, ” I’ll say it loud and clear, I called you a whore and I called you a slut because if it look (sic) like a duck and quack (sic) like a duck and it’s yella and is swim (sic) in a pool it’s a duck.” Phaedra says cunty shit and Kenya says “I forgive you Phaedra..” Kandi asks if they can take a break. Kenya says yes.
Who is the forgiving one in this scene and who is the cunt?
Kandi says she felt like what Apollo said was the truth. Kandi says she now feels like she felt Kenya was owed an apology. Nene says “Do you support Kenya or Phaedra?” Always trying to draw the lines, Nene. Kandi says she always supports Phaedra and is offended Nene would ask.
AHA! This is how Nene wormed her way into getting Phaedra on her side while she (Nene) had no allies…
Phaedra says something about not holding Kenya responsible for the lies another has told. A non apology apology.
I can’t rehash this again. I will say, I still like this Nene hair the best.
Next week Mama Sharon takes on Mama Joyce.