Oooops sorry off to a very late start. Weird day. Let’s do this!
Tom Schwartz wants a dog? Tom Schwartz can’t even take care of himself. I barely go anywhere and having a dog is an issue. This is a stupid idea. Oh he is getting one with Katie to keep her from dumping him for being a deadbeat who doesn’t want to marry her. I’m not sure if the dog he chooses is a rescue or a puppy mill dog. Update, it’s a store bought dog. It was a weird scene. Update, now it’s a rescue dog. It is totally working on Katie.
Bravo seems to think the show can’t go on without Stassi. My opinion differs. I’m not interested enough in her scenes to recap. Lisa has a cover shoot for a gay magazine.
All the suspended employees are back on the clock at SUR. Jax is pissed with Katie for not reaching out to him because she is Team Stassi. It’s a ridiculous argument. Jax tells us that Schwartz is always depressed and hates his life and he doesn’t think Katie and Schwartz should be together. Jax and Scheana bond in sort of the enemy of my enemy is my friend way. Oh and they mention Katie is a whore. Come on now, guys the girl has to get laid somewhere. I’m sure when your boyfriend is gay you make arrangements. Mind your own business. Wait, according to Jax Katie was “motorboating the crotch region of a guy” in a public place. What does that even mean Jax? Wait, Scheana saw it too.
Lisa and Ken talk about my girl Kristen in a horrible fashion on the night of her return to work. Such high expectations, dayum, professtionalism? Meh. No one else has to meet such lofty standards…. Kristen and Jax bond outside on break by talking shit about Katie and Schwartz. Kristen is just happy someone else is fucking up their relationship for a change. Jax says Schwartz doesn’t even care. Um, DUH, because you are Schwartz’s big spoon.
Meanwhile, across the moat, Stassi has trepidations about crossing the drawbridge with the fucking swans who likely shit like geese everywhere. And I am finally getting tired of seeing Lisa Vanderpump’s closet. With all these closet scenes Lisa Vanderpump is more in the closest than the guys on this cast. I’m over it now. Stassi at least realizes that she is not really “styling” Lisa. At least she got to style Giggy.
Next up, a rooftop pool party. Where did this Katie hate come from? I don’t have a problem with it per se. But it seems like it sort of came out of nowhere.
Lisa’s photoshoot is going to happen at PUMP. Because, gay. Lisa seems to think that Stassi should be more grateful for the opportunity to check to be sure her bra straps are not showing. Stassi has no business cards to network with. #Fail
Jax and Gay Tom leave the pool party to go do an intervention with Schwartz. The mission is to get him to dump Katie. Schwartz is in denial about Katie being a whore. Or in the real life version, he has his own situation, and he lets Katie have hers. Butt out, butt buddies.
Kirsten and Katie have an awkward conversation. Kristen points out that motorboating a guy’s dick is inappropriate. Katie storms off saying this is why she can’t have nice things.
James wants us to know he is much better in bed and has a much bigger dick than Gay Tom.
Katie goes to lunch with Stassi and a minion. She tries to deny she is a crotch motorboater. Someone asks why Schwatz doesn’t care about. I think it is pretty obvious the crotch Katie was motorboating is not a crotch Schwartz is interested in. Um, duh. Stassi still can’t stop looking directly in the camera.
Meanwhile, Jax and the two Toms are on a bicycling date. Stassi leaves with her minion and the Schwartz and the boys cycle up. It’s the Jax and Katie confrontation. You’re a liar, no you’re a liar! You’re a cheater! No you’re a cheater! Schwartz half-heartedly says his relationship is great. Schwartz doesn’t really care what Katie does. Katie storms off and leaves Schwartz to enjoy his lunch with the boys. For five seconds. Schwartz goes after her and Katie mentions that he lets his friends talk crap about her. Schwartz dismisses her and returns back to his boys. Gay Tom says Schwartz should care about Katie’s cheating. Schwartz says Katie was probably just “borderline blackout drunk.”
Next Week: It seems that Schwartz has his own side piece and it even be a chick!