Jodi Arias Morning Recap 11/25 Back on the Slime Highway

This morning we all woke up at Howard Johnson’s Motor Lodge and everyone is in a bad mood. We got zero sleep arguing about the situation in Ferguson and watching the No True Bill announcement. Martinez called the prosecutor a pussy all night and said he would just have thrown the case out and dared anyone to lay a finger on Queen’s Royal Touch Salon & Spa. Nurmi just sat there screaming OBJECTION! the TV all night. So nobody is in the mood for this today. The slogan may be, “Go Happy, Go HoJos” but happy is not what we are. I have a new book today. It’s another Augusten Burroughs book but it’s Christmasy. It’s called You Better Not Cry. I think it will be appropriate for this ride down the Slime Highway.

We begin of course with genital waxing. Because once you are on the Slime Highway it seems normal. As if every trip should begin with no hello or morning greeting whatsoever to the elderly shrink sitting in the passenger seat bleary eyed. One should just start right off with genital waxing questions.

“You sure had a lot to say about Jodi’s shaved beaver. You didn’t put much stock in the journal entries  did you?  Jodi’s freshly waxed pussy was important to you, right”

“Good Morning, Juan. Does this hell hole have Starbucks? I could really use a Starbucks before we, delve into Jodi’s well used (and groomed) vagina. Um. So to speak.”

“I’ll be asking the questions, Forseca. Do you think that Jodi’s grooming was for the benefit of Travis? Or do you think maybe she is just a slutty whore who likes the porn star look? You seem to think that Jodi’s vajazzling was unique to Jodi’s relationship with Travis, right?”

” I never said that.. I..”

“Let’s look at this file on Jodi’s relationship with Matt. Let’s see if we can find the status of her pubic hair then. Shall we? Did you read in there that Matt broke up with her and moved far, far away to get away from Jodi and her vagina?”

“I didn’t read anything about her vagina… Nurmi told me that Matt cheated on Jodi and they broke up.”

“Thanksgiving was nothing more than a pilgrim-created obstacle in the way of Christmas; a dead bird in the street that forced a brief detour.”
― Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas

“Are you going to stick with your position about Jodi suffering in silence? Isn’t it aggressive for Jodi to drive to Crater Lake and confront Bianca? ”

“Well, I mean she wasn’t violent. She was assertive but not aggressive. This is a whole different relationship, Juan.”

Nurmi’s objections are like white noise in the background now. Judge Stephens just overrules them by the second syllable.

” So according to you, Jodi only suffered in silence with Travis but her long history of aggression during other breakups is not relevant? Is that what you are saying?”

” I don’t recall anything about her other relationships. I can’t remember a thing. Maybe after we get coffee it will all come flooding back. Can we get coffee?”

“I remember, no matter how impossible it seemed that any given day would end, it always did. This one would, too.”
― Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas

“Let’s talking about Jodi stalking Travis and creeping around in the back yard spying on him with another woman. That doesn’t sound like suffering in silence, does it?”

“She was intrusive.”

“You claim that Jodi was Travis’ dirty little secret but he took her on trips with friends, they went to many places in public together. He was not hiding her in the closet was he, Forseca?”

“Keep your eye on Slime Highway, Juan. Travis told everyone he was a virgin and he didn’t admit to bumping uglies with Jodi to anyone. He didn’t tell his family or friends, he didn’t tell Lisa Andrews! He was a master of deception!”

“So you really want Travis to ring up Lisa and tell her about his sexual antics with Jodi? Or his mother? You want him to kiss and tell?”

“He was Mormon. He was lying about his virginity to everyone.”

“Most everybody had made at least one bad, drunken decision in their lives. Called an ex at two in the morning. Or perhaps has a little too much to drink on a second date and wept inconsolably while revealing how simply damaged one was, while nonetheless retaining an uncommonly large capacity for love. That kind of thing was, while regrettable, at least comprehensible. But waking up with someone generationally inappropriate, like your grandfather’s best buddy?”
― Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas

“So Taco Bell or Arbys?”

“Taco bell has lousy coffee, Juan.”

I’m going to eat my burrito in the car. With a large Dr. Pepper. Because the main problem with Taco Bell is not pink slime, like most people think. The main problem with Taco Bell is they sell Pepsi.

“As a young child I had Santa and Jesus all mixed up. I could identify Coke or Pepsi with just one sip, but I could not tell you for sure why they strapped Santa to a cross. Had he missed a house? Had a good little girl somewhere in the world not received the doll he’d promised her, making the father angry?”
― Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas