Please lay down. You are dead. It’s over. Fine! Arrivederci!
Love Tamara Tattles.
Fine. I will pay attention to you ONE MORE TIME. But this is out last breakup conversation. Do you hear me? No more. I’m changing my number. At least there is a psychic. I always like a psychic. Unlike you ungrateful bitches. Oh they are astrologers! We have a surplus of those here at Tamaratattles.com I can envision the
stupid comments already. We will be hearing about rising signs and retrogrades for sure. They are ASTROTwins. Amber just says she has been a “devote Catholic” for the last five years. That’s like five lentil seasons! At least Rosie is there. When she is the exciting addition, we’re in for trouble. The astrotwins read the twins charts first. They are Virgos and people should be careful not to cross them. Amber decides to compromise her “devote” beliefs in about ten seconds. Did you have difficulty with an Aries? She doesn’t know what anyone’s sign is. Melissa is an Aries and Amber was an Aries in a past life…so …okay I can’t with this.
Tre is up next. Taurus with Gemini rising. She is here to learn how to be a provider in this life. The astrotwins tell Tre that she is going to feel the most stress in the beginning of 2015. That is when she is going to the big house! They even say Saturn will be in her legal house. They also say something about changing Joe’s legal team. Interesting. Teresa doesn’t know what a backbone is. The astrotwins say that they will have to spend some time apart but it will make them stronger. Tre is crying. So is Melissa. They say she will have to downsize a bit in 2015.
The twins take Dina lingerie shopping. So they go to Victoria’s Secret. No, wait. No they go to a dildo shop full of crotchless panties. Because, New Jersey.
Bankrupt Teresa and Joe go to stay at the Gaudiest hotel in the world. What is this place? Is it in Atlantic City? It looks like a place Austin Powers would take Courtney Stoddard to for a special night out. They discuss romantic topics like if Joe should get the pump when his dick stops working. Tre asks how the pump works. This excites her so that she goes to change into sexy lingerie. Juicy strips down and waits in bed in anticipation. Wait! It was The Carlton? That’s a real hotel in NYC! OMG It’s the “Broadway Diva Suite” one of their most expensive rooms! This is a picture where they try to make it look good! That leopard throw is covering a plethora of Austin Powers jizz on the nasty hard sofa! I found a room rate in February for $750. Gross.
Moving on. Dina and Lexie are going to get mother/daughter nose jobs. Dina likes Kathy’s nose because it looks normal and not fake. So off they go.
The twins go to a dog accessory store and all of them think they can get their dogs spayed and neutered while they are there. Since that was not an option they got their dogs nails painted. Is that healthy for the dog? Meanwhile at the house of hell, Amber and crew are babysitting Jim’s ex-wife’s pet pig. There are two people in the world dumb enough to marry Jim?
Milania and the little ones are into Gia’s vast tool chest of makeup. Gia wipes the makeup off with foot cream.
Something about Nicole trying to cook.
They show a shot of Dina and the twins and Melissa mocking the Mortgage Now online commercial. Dina says she wasn’t sure if it was a spoof or not. She mentions that she hopes that their sex tapes are better. IIRC correctly after Amber demonstrated fellatio on a coke bottle in Atlantic City, she mentioned something about sex tapes. UGH.
More Milania footage.
In Florida Melissa and Dina go on a swamp boat ride and stop at a house of someone who actually lives in the swamp. It was actually kind of cool except for all the alligators and snakes and stuff lurking. The girls all think it is a sex den. Dina is freaked out by all of the “animal remnants.” There are freshly skinned frogs ready to fry. Which he does. I would stick around to eat those. I bet they are great.
More Milania outtakes. They should have just made that the whole show. Shut your butthole!
NOW DIE RHONJ. JUST GO GENTLY INTO THE GOOD NIGHT!