I’m so excited. I am have a few technical issues but I am up and running with some twine and duct tape! I loved all the openings. I’m going to let you guys capture them for me in comments if you don’t mind because I know this is going to be a hard one to recap quickly. Thanks in advance!
Kyle is getting ready for the white party! YAY! This year it comes first which is weird because no one can be disinvited at the door for being a litigious cuntsicle! #Taylor. I’ve seen this Justin guy before. Didn’t he help some housewives dress as drag queens or for the Gay Pride Parade or something? I’m not kidding. The White Party has gotten huge and now has a major budget. Kyle is still trying to push a reluctant Sophia into modeling. She is tall and gorgeous but she’s never liked modeling or being on the show.
Kyle claims she has not seen Lisa Vanderpump since the reunion. From here on out I will call Lisa Vanderpump “Pump” and Lisa Rinna “Lisa.”
Brandi and Yolanda are going for a fitness walk. David plays the piano for us low lives. We are not worthy. Brandi is still up Yolanda’s butt. Which explains why Pump was cool towards her on WWHL. OMG. Yo has a swatter on her property who has set up a little beachside dress shop right on the highway/right of way for PCH. (wait for someone to correct me) She asks if he knows she is on her property and he is laying back playing on his phone saying ” No Mon, I did not know.” lol. He’s so chill. Hell I thought they were going for a walk on the beach why are the out on the highway? They finally find the beach. Yo tries to explain to Brandi about being connected to the earth. She didn’t get it. Yo talks about Gigi’s success. She really has hit the big time. Brandi mentions she is homeless (AGAIN) and tries to move in. The house she is talking about moving in now, I think she got tossed out of that too. Brandi starts trashing Pump. Yo tries to get Brandi to connect with nature again. It doesn’t work. Sad.
Pump and Ken are in their incredibly gorgeous house. She head off in her beautiful white Porshe. She is apparently going to her first RHOBH filming and has not told Ken she is doing it again. Damn Pump has some major flaws, but her life, home, career, etc. is really fabulous and perfect and fun to watch. She really is a businesswoman no matter how flawed who has achieved success and is pretty fucking posh. Lisa says she is waiting on the girls to reach out to her. She is at a restaurant that is not hers waiting on…. KYLE!
Kyle looks stunning in the show proper and even better in her talking head outfit. They eventually agree to move forward. I love these two together. Did I mention how good Kyle looks? She really does look good. Refreshed, not cosmetic. Lisa doesn’t want to bring up old issues. They agree and strike a loyality pact.
LISA RINNA!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love her so much! Y’all are going to have to forgive me for fangirling out over Lisa and Eileen. I’ve been watching Days of Our Lives since I was 11. I’m so stoked. We get to see her two rich little posh kids in their school uniforms looking stunning and so over the cameras already. It’s awesome! Lisa is over course double booked for the White Party and will have to will have to leave early for other commitments. Because, REAL CELEBRITY! So why is she driving to pick her kids up from a yellow school bus (they blurred the name)? They are both stunning and Delilah Belle, 16 and Amelia Gray, 13. They are all angsty over not getting to go to Coachella and their friends did. I love this already. I want Lisa and the girls to have their own three hour show!
OMG! I heard Harry was not going to film. I knew I should not have believed that. There he is Harry Hamlin. I may never finish this recap because I want to watch this part OVER AND OVER. Harry is the king of the house as he should be. But his never going to be a douchey as David can be. OMG a snake in the house!
Kyle goes to a lot of trouble for the White Party. I spent so much time on LISA RINNA I am going light on the prep. Pump is going all out getting ready. She manages to do her own hair and makeup like a mere mortal. Unlike the ghetto RHOA who ask for hair and makeup on motherfucking animal safari. Funny how the actual rich can manage to put on their own clothes and makeup most of the time.
Speaking of white trash. Brandi has a glam squad. #TryingTooHard. Brandi is using Great Lash on herself. To be fair, Great Lash is awesome. Kyle’s glam squad is her daughters. The obligatory Fat Burger Truck will be there. #AllInTheFamily as the obligatory male media whore, Mohammed. And the obligatory Bravo limos for panache and to avoid a drunken housewife accident on the way home. Yo has a male escort on her arm *cough*.
Camille shows up as does Taylor and Adrienne. There are fire eating women and all sorts of things. Lisa announce to Kyle that she has more than pink pieced in her hair, she dyed her pussy pink. #Classy Joke or not a joke? Yo says she accepts Lisa for who she is, someone who never apologizes and she can move on. We’ll see. Kyle says Taylor has never stabbed her in the back and is a good friend. She’ s happy Taylor is happy and married and stuff. Camille says she was in Texas getting her cancer surgery (and abuse by her man allegedly) And Adrienne arrives with yet another boy toy she has purchased and whom she has to instruct how to get her into the party because she is already drunk or her boy child doesn’t understand how a man supports a woman in heels. I don’t recall this one making a splash in the media, though he is attractive. But when I win the lottery, I’ll be buying myself a MAN with a motive to behave, not a boy. Though I think I inadvertently may have purchased a boy once and it wasn’t such a bad thing. I would do it again for an evening or a weekend.. perhaps. but if I were being filmed for TV I’d buy a Sean Connery type and not make it look so obvious I was paying for my date. That said, as long as we are talking about me, I’m open to buying a date for Thanksgiving if anyone is interested. I’d love a driver and a body guard who punches out random non-family members who shit talk. #CraigslistAd
Brandi says that she and Adrienne had a falling out. LOL. I was a brand new blogger when Brandi said what she said about Adrienne and my blog post got over half a million hits in a few hours and I thought I was under a DOS attack. I remember freaking out. I was scared. I really thought my blog was under attack! It will probably be the most viewed post for as long as I blog. Millions of views on one post. Amazing. Anyway back to Brandi saying she had a falling out instead of saying she revealed personal secrets about someone’s conception process….
Brandi feels like an outsider. Did she just say about PUMP,” how are you 75 and still rolling your eyes?” No Brandi it is nothing like when you were on crutches . It is like when you were a cunt to everyone and everyone hates you for a reason. Lisa is happy Adrienne is getting laid.
Kim shows up and everyone pretends they care.
OMG LISA RINNA AND HARRY HAMLIN! Lisa like Yo apparently, “during her time.” Shade. Lisa Rinna does know everyone. LISA RINNA, EVERYONE! Harry Hamlin is not listening to Pump. They have to go to the Mad Men Wrap Party the same night. BECAUSE, REAL CELEBS!
Brandi wants to try to talk to Adrienne. I find myself on Adrienne’s side. Weird. It looks like Adrienne is a FOH so Brandi is sucking up. Brandi is all like bowing down to Adrienne, and let’s face it her trailer park ass has to try but she is in a pond she is not qualified to swim in at ALL this season. So I don’t expect Adrienne FUCKING MALOOF to deal with her. Say what you will about buying boy toys but Adrienne can buy and sell all of these bitches and still have shit tons left over for Dude Number One In Charge of Cunnilgus and more power to her. If fugly old men can buy sex, she can too. And Adrienne shut her down and said it is NOT going to happen on camera again.
Brandi is a cunt. AND she is homeless. NO one cares.
Next week they try to make Brandi fit in. LOL. SHE IS OUT CLASSED.