Tonight on Vanderpump Rules, we return to the scene of the fight between Tom and James. By the way, Kristen may be my favorite crazy person on any reality show ever. I get she has a mental illness but she’s fun crazy, like mmm…other people I know. Anyway, these boys fight like girls. Kristen decides to wallop Schwartz for no reason. Scheana is drunk and doesn’t know why her foot is cut open. Glass is flying but punches are not. Piss poor excuse for a fight especially over a girl. Kristen should stay out of it and enjoy the fruits of her labor. But no, she lands the best hit. Vanderpump is not going to like this. Drunk Scheana, Lisa’s pet needs stitches. She never got off her barstool. She was in the hospital until 6 am.
Sandoval’s apartment is almost as nasty as this house. In my defense I did do dishes all day today. Anyway, Gay Tom is upset because Gay James kicked his ass in a slap fight. I guess that is pretty sad. I mean why does Kristen date gay men? Oh and the slap fight was sad too. Ariana is starting to wonder if Gay Tom did cheat on her. Thankfully, Tom has a wide variety of concealer to cover his facial wounds. Because, gay.
Jax goes to a tatt place to get his Stassi tattoo covered up. Holy hell! He also got a Carmen tattoo! And he’s dating another girl named Tiffany. Please tell me we are being Jaxed and the Carmen one is henna. Because, really Jax? Schwartz is a bit tired of having Stassi in his apartment. I can only imagine. He’s also worried he will not get his job at Pump because he jumped into the fight at Scheana’s birthday party. Schwatz gets advice from Stassi on how to speak to Lisa. Stassi says she is “the Lisa whisperer.” Schwartz is afraid of the Pump.
Sandoval made a hysterical video which is apparently on the Bravo site, with a drunken apology to Scheana. Thank God I don’t do video. I just do my drunken meltdowns on Twitter and delete them the next morning. Allegedly. Peter (/SCHWING!) is hanging the whole thing on James when he relates the story to the bartender. I hope he sticks with that angle when Lisa interrogates him. It might save both of the Toms. Just don’t let her fire Kristen! It looks like Schwartz will save his job.
Katie and some other server are pissed that Scheana and Shay are eating dinner at SUR on her off night. Um, why? She didn’t start the fight, it was her birthday party that got ruined. Shut it, Katie. James approaches Scheana’s table and tries to redeem himself. Scheana says that she heard it was his intention to start a fight all along. He denies that. Scheana tells James she needs to take a break from him and Kristen.
Where is this imaginary boyfriend of Stassi’s?
Jax drops in on Sandoval who is cleaning up, an brings him some of his stash of concealer. Because…are there ANY straight guys on this show? Do all men in LA wear concealer? Jax is having trouble juggling his two girlfriends. Tiffany, the one from Vegas had landed on Carmen’s turf in Beverly Hills. Drama. Looking at Tom’s face without the concealer, it seems James did land a good punch or two. I guess the camera angles sucked. Anyway, Jax says he prefers Tiffany, yet he got a tattoo of Carmen’s name on his arm. Because, moron. Tiffany is more age appropriate, has a great job and prettier. Why would she hang out with Jax. Jax is literally weighing the pros and cons of his two girlfriends with Tiffany. It seems he is going to break up with Carmen for Tiffany. Looks like he is going to need another black rose on the other arm to cover Carmen up.
Jax takes Carmen to a dive to break up with her. He tells us there is no need to invest in the chick he is about to dump. Jax gives her the “you deserve better speech.” She says yesterday you wanted me to have your babies, you tattooed my name on your arm! Um, newsflash, Carmen, he tattoos lots of names on his arms. Jax tries the it’s not you it’s me speech. Carmen somehow manages to get the dump in first! YAS! She says after this she doesn’t want to see him again. Jax is incredulous. He asks why? She says because she doesn’t like him. She points out that he is 35 years old and is still partying and bartending. He needs to get his life together. They play a flashback of Stassi saying the same thing in her break up speech. This will of course make Jax want Carmen more.
Lisa calls a staff meeting at PUMP. PUMP really is a beautiful spot. The olive trees are to die for. There is of course way to much pink. She lectures them and tells them they are acting like trash. Oh shit. She is going in on Kristen. Peter is jumping on her too. He says she orders drinks, takes them to the back and drinks them. Oh no. Please don’t fire the crazy girl. Please! Kristen says everyone does it. Lisa suspends Tom Sandoval and Kristen (no idea how long) and fires Kristen’s dishwasher boyfriend. But Lisa, he’s from jolly old England. You will rehire him later right?
NEXT WEEK: It’s the grand opening of PUMP. Kristen shows up at Tom’s apartment and finds Ariana there “in her place.” And Stassi and Scheana finally come face to face and James shows up a SUR despite being fired and Peter tosses him out.
I had to read this and it hasn’t even aired on the West Coast yet (or maybe it’s on now… I don’t know. I dvr everything.)
God, I missed this trainwreck.
Ariana doesn’t give two f*cks about what Tom did in Miami because she is with him for more time on the show. Lisa is in the same boat and knows that their nightmare triangle is ratings gold. Taking the British kid out of the equation will spin coocoo Kristin further out of control and I can’t wait to see it!
Ah yes, the good ole “you deserve better than this” speech, which means, “you don’t count anymore, but I’m trying to save you some face, because I’m a total dickwad, but I’m pretending I’m not” or something close to that. I can’t understand the depths of desperation that must come to these chicks who are into Jax. Jax is not sexy, or cute, or sexy. Jax is a Neanderthal man…in looks and disposition.
Gingersnap, to me, Jax is one of those guys who is good looks at times and fugly at others. It’s odd.
On Mon, Nov 10, 2014 at 10:36 PM, Tamara Tattles wrote:
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His abs –and only his abs– look good ALL of the time to me.
I feel I need to clarify this because my posts last week insinuated that I think Jax is hot. No, Jax is ugly. His abs are hot though. (But indicative of a self-absorbed man which I also do not like.)
That being said, he’s also gross. He will be one of those rare men who won’t age well. Most men get more attractive with some age & gray hair, IMO. Jax won’t.
Ok. That’s all.
One more thing.. Great recap.
Second more thing.. I just love you, TT. I plan to avoid the comment section of RHOA so I can stay on your good side.
Avoid the comment section will never keep you on my good side. I’d rather you post your dumb opinions so I can mock them. You know, with love. 🙂
On Mon, Nov 10, 2014 at 11:40 PM, Tamara Tattles wrote:
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Jax screams STD to me for some reason…
For good reason.
On Tue, Nov 11, 2014 at 2:19 AM, Tamara Tattles wrote:
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At the rate Jax goes around branding himself with the names of his lady friends he has slept with, I’d consider Jax IS an STD.
All the booze and whatever else he’s consumed is starting to take its toll. He looks about 10 years older than he claims to be.
Omg this was the funniest recap I’ve ever read!!
LOL. Thank you. I can assume that you don’t read many recaps. Which makes me look fantastic. 🙂
On Mon, Nov 10, 2014 at 10:37 PM, Tamara Tattles wrote:
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Lolll awww no TT, I read like 85% of your recaps but a lot of them have some serious things going on! This one (and cast) was just so funny, I haven’t watched the show so I was making up scenes in my head! :p
Thanks Brianna. I kinda like the scripted stupidity that is Vanderpump Rules. Sad birthday parties and boys who can’t keep it in their pants is kind of refreshing.
On Mon, Nov 10, 2014 at 11:17 PM, Tamara Tattles wrote:
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Wait until TT loses patience with these clowns. She’ll have you rolling in the isles.
I’m kind of sad I couldn’t watch this on my island. It sounded like a great episode.
Stop talking about your island! Oh and it’s time for your do boy to apply more sunscreen, you’re getting a little pink.
On Mon, Nov 10, 2014 at 11:02 PM, Tamara Tattles wrote:
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I burn so easily, I’m a ginger in disguise. Time to hit the bar on my island!!
TT – so right about Jax’ looks. I think he got a whole lot fuglier when his personality leaked through and eroded the handsome facade. Thanks for recapping this mess.
Great recap. At first I didn’t agree with TT and her Tom is gay theory but as episodes come and go its plain to see TT is correct. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, I guess Tom feels coming out could damage his future film work?
I think Lisa has always hated Kristen and treated her differently than everyone else. Kristen and Schennas friendship is weird. Ariana needs to defriend Schenna.
Sorry but Jax just gives me the heebs.
Maybe Tom can schedule his coming out for the premier of ‘vanderPUMP’.
tom may be “gay straight” or metrosexual. Sex in the City taught me this..i watch too much tv. lol
‘Gay straight’? Does that mean he is only ever half a bottle of teuqila away from announcing to the world his love for Jax?
Isn’t everyone half a bottle of tequila away from gay? 🙂
On Tue, Nov 11, 2014 at 3:54 AM, Tamara Tattles wrote:
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I know I am.
TT: “Isn’t everyone half a bottle of tequila away from gay?”
Great comment!
Yes. Yes. YES!
Is it just me or does this season seem WAY more scripted than last season?
Scripted? This is all an honest portrayal of reality famewhores wishing they had the money, beauty and influence as the real celebrities they serve.
More seasons, more scripting.
On Tue, Nov 11, 2014 at 2:34 AM, Tamara Tattles wrote:
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It’s really the only way to explain why James got fired by Lisa. Tom threw the first punch. In the real world, Tom would have been fired.
Did anyone notice how happy the young, bald-headed African-American guy was when Lisa hired him and said “I need you in my life”…..he squealed like she had just crowned him Miss America. And it was the exact same response I would have if I were in a room with Lisa….and she just asked me to iron all her pink blouses.
I think she is the bee’s knees. I wish she would sell her restaurant server uniforms in a size 20W…uh, my friend wants one…I would buy that, er, my friend would buy that before she’d buy that tacky ass sweater Nene is selling.
Lisa is VERY shady. http://s17948.p858.sites.pressdns.com/tag/villa-blanca/
On Tue, Nov 11, 2014 at 8:46 AM, Tamara Tattles wrote:
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Jax’s attempt to break up with Carmen could go down in history as containing the most awkward “it’s not you, it’s me” cliches in a few-minute speech. “Listen, I’m gonna, let’s just get…we need to talk. You need to have fun this summer…you’re gonna go to law school, I mean, I’m not going to be around for that! I don’t want to hold you back! You deserve better….” “It’s not about you, I care about you a lot, I do! I just don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want you to hurt me!”
I don’t particularly like Carmen at first glance and I don’t think she’s attractive at all, but she really couldn’t have handled that situation better.
I thought Carmen handled herself as well as she could! The funny thing is that when Jax was justifying his reasons for wanting to break up with Carmen he kept talking about her age. I think that breakup scene demonstrated quite clearly who the mature one in the relationship was. Carmen might not be much to look at, but she’s clearly got more sense in her head than most of the girls he dates. 80% of Vanderpump Rules is probably scripted but the shock and disbelief on his face when she essentially dumped him in that moment was totally real. Jax is the WORST.
Why is it necessary for women to judge the young lady’s looks and make remarks on the Internet, where she obviously googling herself only to find WOMEN saying things like she’s smart and mature but it a shame she doesn’t wear makeup and dress like a whore like the rest of the girls on the show. She’s a perfectly lovely girl who has the confidence to be herself on television without all the fake teeth, hair, eyelashes, tans, nails and noses. I think she’s fabulous exactly like she is.
On Tue, Nov 11, 2014 at 3:21 PM, Tamara Tattles wrote:
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This is really a reply to what Tamara wrote below, because her post doesn’t show a ‘reply’ option: Carmen has an interesting and attractive face. She probably has a cute figure, too; she seems well-proportioned. She is definitely good-looking. She’s kind of the quintessential California beach girl / student. She has a modern and quirky look that is appealing to fashion designers. In addition, I’m trying to think of any other person on VR who has ever demonstrated her level of poise and self-restraint. As she spoke to Jax, she was almost crying at one point but pulled it together. With Tv cameras there, that whole thing couldn’t have been easy for such a young person.
Compared to all the phonies on that show, Carmen was such a pleasure. I surmise Jax found her too normal (stable) as she apparently hasn’t been ‘broken’ or ‘damaged’ by her upbringing; in other words, she is not self-destructive.
I was in more shock that Carmen is one of these girl’s friend’s!??? WHY THE HELL WOULD THEY DO THAT TO HER? What “Friend” would you hookup with Jax? LoL
And I still do not believe he is only 35. No way.
I didn’t intent to insult Carmen’s appearance; I could have chosen my words more carefully. I don’t like trashing anyone’s looks (I’m one of the people that was against bashing Gia after her recent video). I prefer a more natural look and there’s nothing unattractive about Carmen, but something about her seems cold/snobby to me but maybe that’s just because she’s been putting up with Jax and he’s a giant douche, and I know we only see a brief portion of their lives…it’s just my impression. I don’t think Stassi is attractive either although I realize she’s a pretty girl…the personality puts me off.
Vanderpump Rules is the worst show on Bravo…..so phoney..it is so scripted..Lisa must be the screen writer..it truly is awful..the cast “actors”absolutely stink….stachi ugh…also if anything Lisa Vanderpump is in her 50’s has to be nuts…she has to be in her 60’S…clearly she had her DOB changed in England somehow…so phoney…so phoney …I loved Lisa on Beverly Hills…but this show stinks…Andy Cohen…get rid of that crap
Pat, VPR is actually one of the better shows on Bravo! LoL! Obviously, someone likes it. They got the ratings to bring it back. I can’t remember but, I think it gets more ratings than a few HW franchise’s?
Oh, My fav part of this episode was win Kristen and James were heading down the stairs. Kristen says something to Schwartz and gets all puffy. Schwartz yells at her laughing “Ok, Doute!”
I can’t believe Tom Sandoval does modeling. He is one of the ugliest people on the show and that stupid hat he wears is ridiculous and I am sorry Lisa the whole show is stupid. I used to watch it once in a while as I did with all the housewife shows. I now only watch the HWOC but I am sick of the women on this show too. I can’t believe grown women act so catty and childish. It’s time for them all to go.