Tonight on Vanderpump Rules, we return to the scene of the fight between Tom and James. By the way, Kristen may be my favorite crazy person on any reality show ever. I get she has a mental illness but she’s fun crazy, like mmm…other people I know. Anyway, these boys fight like girls. Kristen decides to wallop Schwartz for no reason. Scheana is drunk and doesn’t know why her foot is cut open. Glass is flying but punches are not. Piss poor excuse for a fight especially over a girl. Kristen should stay out of it and enjoy the fruits of her labor. But no, she lands the best hit. Vanderpump is not going to like this. Drunk Scheana, Lisa’s pet needs stitches. She never got off her barstool. She was in the hospital until 6 am.
Sandoval’s apartment is almost as nasty as this house. In my defense I did do dishes all day today. Anyway, Gay Tom is upset because Gay James kicked his ass in a slap fight. I guess that is pretty sad. I mean why does Kristen date gay men? Oh and the slap fight was sad too. Ariana is starting to wonder if Gay Tom did cheat on her. Thankfully, Tom has a wide variety of concealer to cover his facial wounds. Because, gay.
Jax goes to a tatt place to get his Stassi tattoo covered up. Holy hell! He also got a Carmen tattoo! And he’s dating another girl named Tiffany. Please tell me we are being Jaxed and the Carmen one is henna. Because, really Jax? Schwartz is a bit tired of having Stassi in his apartment. I can only imagine. He’s also worried he will not get his job at Pump because he jumped into the fight at Scheana’s birthday party. Schwatz gets advice from Stassi on how to speak to Lisa. Stassi says she is “the Lisa whisperer.” Schwartz is afraid of the Pump.
Sandoval made a hysterical video which is apparently on the Bravo site, with a drunken apology to Scheana. Thank God I don’t do video. I just do my drunken meltdowns on Twitter and delete them the next morning. Allegedly. Peter (/SCHWING!) is hanging the whole thing on James when he relates the story to the bartender. I hope he sticks with that angle when Lisa interrogates him. It might save both of the Toms. Just don’t let her fire Kristen! It looks like Schwartz will save his job.
Katie and some other server are pissed that Scheana and Shay are eating dinner at SUR on her off night. Um, why? She didn’t start the fight, it was her birthday party that got ruined. Shut it, Katie. James approaches Scheana’s table and tries to redeem himself. Scheana says that she heard it was his intention to start a fight all along. He denies that. Scheana tells James she needs to take a break from him and Kristen.
Where is this imaginary boyfriend of Stassi’s?
Jax drops in on Sandoval who is cleaning up, an brings him some of his stash of concealer. Because…are there ANY straight guys on this show? Do all men in LA wear concealer? Jax is having trouble juggling his two girlfriends. Tiffany, the one from Vegas had landed on Carmen’s turf in Beverly Hills. Drama. Looking at Tom’s face without the concealer, it seems James did land a good punch or two. I guess the camera angles sucked. Anyway, Jax says he prefers Tiffany, yet he got a tattoo of Carmen’s name on his arm. Because, moron. Tiffany is more age appropriate, has a great job and prettier. Why would she hang out with Jax. Jax is literally weighing the pros and cons of his two girlfriends with Tiffany. It seems he is going to break up with Carmen for Tiffany. Looks like he is going to need another black rose on the other arm to cover Carmen up.
Jax takes Carmen to a dive to break up with her. He tells us there is no need to invest in the chick he is about to dump. Jax gives her the “you deserve better speech.” She says yesterday you wanted me to have your babies, you tattooed my name on your arm! Um, newsflash, Carmen, he tattoos lots of names on his arms. Jax tries the it’s not you it’s me speech. Carmen somehow manages to get the dump in first! YAS! She says after this she doesn’t want to see him again. Jax is incredulous. He asks why? She says because she doesn’t like him. She points out that he is 35 years old and is still partying and bartending. He needs to get his life together. They play a flashback of Stassi saying the same thing in her break up speech. This will of course make Jax want Carmen more.
Lisa calls a staff meeting at PUMP. PUMP really is a beautiful spot. The olive trees are to die for. There is of course way to much pink. She lectures them and tells them they are acting like trash. Oh shit. She is going in on Kristen. Peter is jumping on her too. He says she orders drinks, takes them to the back and drinks them. Oh no. Please don’t fire the crazy girl. Please! Kristen says everyone does it. Lisa suspends Tom Sandoval and Kristen (no idea how long) and fires Kristen’s dishwasher boyfriend. But Lisa, he’s from jolly old England. You will rehire him later right?
NEXT WEEK: It’s the grand opening of PUMP. Kristen shows up at Tom’s apartment and finds Ariana there “in her place.” And Stassi and Scheana finally come face to face and James shows up a SUR despite being fired and Peter tosses him out.