In a fantasy scene, The Morbidity Museum is hosting an elegant gala to unveil their newest exhibit of “Modern Mutations” provided by Stanley, or whatever his alias is in this scene. The curator removes the covering to reveal an aquarium with Paul the Illustrated Seal’s nude body inside with autopsy stitches. The director sure did spend a lot of money on this needless two-minute scene with guests dressed in black tie & puffy 50’s ball gowns. #Refund
Back to the present day in Stanley’s motel room, he’s telling Maggie about how he already paid a deposit for some tanks for when the time comes. Maggie is waffling on the scheme because she doesn’t want to be involved with murder. He assures her no one will miss them because freaks run away from the circus and end up missing all the time. He needs to keep Elsa on his hook because she is his access to the freaks. When his gay porn magazines fall on the floor, Maggie warns Stanley to be more discreet because the town folks hate gays almost as much as freaks. She confirms that she’s still down with the plan, but since she has to live with them she wants an extra 5% for #FreakTax.
Gloria waltzes down her grand staircase in a fabulous dressing robe & morning jewels wanting her morning coffee only to find Dora’s body. She screams for Dandy who says someone must have broken into the house & murdered her. Gloria knows Dandy killed her and starts screaming while scolding & swatting her murderous man-child, “She’s a mother!!!” He cries that she said awful things to him. Upset that she has to clean up his messes, he offers to help & suggests burying her in the potagerie; such a fancy word for garden that my spell check won’t accept it. Gloria’s voice suddenly changes as she growls at him to go to his room and stay there. Watching Dandy’s facial expression change from tearful little boy to a psychopathic smirk was chillingly brilliant. #Emmy
Back at the circus camp Stanley visits Elsa in her “I Dream of Jeannie” tent. She serves him Schnapps while he strokes her ego. He claims to work for the Worldwide Broadcasting Network and pitches that TV is the new thing… the future. Elsa grimaces “I’d rather be boiled in oil than be on television.” Elsa finds it depressing to take the beauty & glamour of the silver screen & put it in a small box. Stanley tries to seduce Elsa that she would be in every living room of every home & could be a house hold name. She scoffs that her name would be next to instant coffee or “shamPOOO,” while behind her back Stanley is making faces of frustration at her lack of interest. With passion Elsa tells him that she knows for a fact that motion pictures would never be replaced by TV because movies are the expression of souls & fantasies, and “Television is the death of art & civilization.” #WWMD
Outside Jimmy is trying to rehearse his way out of his stage fright. Because he helped save the kids from Twisty, there is a full house waiting for the show. Maggie notices him, and they flirt a little. She offers to read his palm, and she uses his fake reading to indirectly warn him about Stanley. She sees a man in his future: “He’ll tell you things, make you promises. He’s a liar. Stay away from him.” Maggie suggests he leave town and go to New York because he’s smart & good looking. He tries to kiss her, but she retreats. His spirits are low after being rejected, and he walks away.
The show is about to start when Ethel notices that Dell is missing. Jimmy goes to his trailer, but only Desiree is there. Her ass is drunk and refuses to go onstage even though she’s wearing her stage outfit. Desiree tells Jimmy that she knows everyone thinks Dell is a bully & a thug, but he has been good to her even though she was a freak. He was very proud of her(and her penis), and they had a good life for a little while. She used to feel alive; but now she feels ‘nuthin’, and thinks that Dell doesn’t want to be with her anymore. #TheFreaksAndTheRestless
Jimmy is still upset and he’s crying about Meep’s death. He still blames himself, and Desiree consoles him. Lobster Boy leans in for a kiss but gets denied. She is holding his face and touching his lip while reconsidering the moment. Ooohhh Desiree goes all in, and she starts kissing Jimmy and telling him to make her “feel something again” while he’s fondling all three of her glorious breastesess. Jimmy starts finger banging her lady clam with his lobster hand, but Desiree starts shrieking in pain for him to stop, and his hand comes out bloody. Jimmy helps her walk out of the trailer shouting for someone to call a doctor. Ethel volunteers to help her, and tells Jimmy he’s needed for the show. #RedLobster
It’s show time! Salt & Pepper just finished their warm up act being adorable. Let’s pray that the writers have them rapping “Push It” just for giggles. Fraulein Elsa comes out to reprise her performance of “Life on Mars”, but the audience is too pedestrian to appreciate her blue suit & matching eye shadow or her talent. They start chattering and looking at each other WTF? Elsa, who craves the spotlight, has the biggest audience she’s had in a while, and she is being pelted with popcorn & ridicule. Her body froze as she went numb with shock as her thumping heartbeats drowned out the boos. Jimmy whisked her off the stage. Later back to reality, Elsa’s choking on her words as she inquires to Stanley, “Tell me more about this…television.” …You know if this was modern day, Elsa would be weave pulling on reality TV. #RHOJ
I’m surprised the town folks acted like that. After all they did pay to attend the Freak Show to support the freaks as a thank you for saving the town. But I guess it was effective for character development into Elsa’s motives & delusions.
Ethel takes Desiree to her trusted doctor, and she’s nervous because she’s never had a medical exam before. She doesn’t menstruate regularly, only a couple times a year. She’s thinks Jimmy pierced a hole in her with his hands which made Ethel uncomfortable to hear. Desiree reveals to the doctor that she was delivered by a midwife & raised as a boy named Derek. Her parents were thrilled to finally have a boy until she hit puberty and her breasts started to grow in… all three of them. #UddersDelight
However, the doctor says the midwife was wrong in declaring her a boy. Her body produced too much testosterone which kicked her estrogen production into overdrive to compensate; hence her third breast and large clitoris. Oh yeah her penis is not a penis, but just an enlarged clitoris that can be surgically reduced. He tells her that physically and genetically, she is 100% woman. Plus her bleeding was the result of a miscarriage; she was 12 weeks pregnant. She is awestruck about her diagnosis. She’s clearly upset about the miscarriage, but is happy about the possibility of getting pregnant by Dell. Ethel has a troubled look on her face when she hears this… Since I haven’t been near a vagina since the Clinton years, the 1st administration, I googled enlarged clitoris to see if it really looks like a dick. Yep it does; and after seeing all those mini-cock clits I am going to stop googling forever!!! # BonerKiller
At the Mott mansion, Gloria’s gardeners dig a 12 ft deep grave under the pretense that it’s for her special flower bulbs from Holland. While planting the flowers Dandy see’s the bright side of things; Dora’s decomposing body will nourish the flowers, and her death will not be in vain. “I’m sorry to have killed Dora, mother. I hate to put you out like this” is as remorseful as Dandy gets. #SorryNotSorry
Gloria reminds him that he has the same sickness as his father. Their mental perversions are typical for extremely rich people due to inbreeding among families; cousins marrying cousins just to keep the wealth in the family. A psycho or two in a family is a rite of passage. She further adds that Jack the Ripper was a Windsor. Gloria warns Dandy that he can’t kill homeless people like his father did because it’s 1952, people are missed. Almost as disturbed her son, Gloria promises to figure something out so that he can fulfill his urges. Instead Dandy blames his mother for everything; if she had only let him become an actor this would never have happened. “Mother, I need to express myself.” #Madonna
“Fame” by David Bowie is one of my favorite songs & Elsa’s too, because that’s her primping music. She is glamming herself up for publicity photos for her non-existent TV show. She’s working a merlot colored fur stole walking through the camp to Stanley’s car; however she sees the double-head twins in the backseat as he drives off without her. Her heart just drops. Once again, in her mind, those twins upstaged her. #UnderPressure
I don’t even feel like recapping this fakey fake out fantasy scene with Stanley & the twins. We’re supposed to GASP! and think that he killed the twins after he drove off with them. Their severed heads are floating in a tank in the Morbidity Museum. Then another double fake flashback fantasy scene where Stanley offers the twins poisoned pink cupcakes while pitching them their own TV show. Only Bette digs in, and seconds later start frothing at the mouth. The twins are in bed, and Dot is crying because of the dead head next to hers, and she’s next. Stanley suffocates Dot.
In REALITY when offered the cupcakes, Dot refused because they have to watch their figures if they’re going to be TV stars… I mean come on seriously? If he wanted to kill them he could have just strangled them right there under that tree. He would have had the same logistical problems whether they ate the cupcakes or not. #PlotHoles
Dandy is in his man-boy play room working out looking HAWT wearing only white Chuck Taylor shoes & briefs and lots of body oil. It’s all very homo-erotic. He flexes his muscles touching his body and practicing his acting faces with a voice over narration that was a direct homage to Patrick Bateman.
He explains that he would have been the best actor of all time if only his mother didn’t stand in the way of his dreams. But that door is closed, and another door opened. He thinks that his body “is America – strong, violent, and full of limitless potential. It holds a heart that cannot love.” He felt nothing when slitting Dora’s throat; Twisty was put on Earth to show him “the sweet language of murder.” He’s dressing himself in country club attire and staring at this reflection in the mirror, “I am no clown. I am perfection. I am greatness. I am the future. And the future starts tonight.” #AmericanPsycho
This season AHS is KILLING ME with their soundtrack. I love all the music choices so far, and I don’t care if they are anachronistic. It just works PERIOD. It’s like listening to a soundtrack of my life… With Bryan Ferry’s “Slave to Love” playing, Dandy cruises into a gay bar. He notices the wanted poster on the wall of himself wearing a clown mask. He literally bumps into Dell. OMFG! Dell sits at a table with Andy (Matt Bomer), a prostitute who hustles there. No surprise that Dell is a stage 5 clinger, and he’s very possessive of Andy. Even though he pays him for sex, Dell is in love with him. He’s been sneaking away from work every day for the past month just to see him. #DownLow
Dell offers to get Andy an apartment to live in until he has the courage to leave Desiree. When Andy starts talking about his other tricks Dell explodes with jealousy which was witnessed by everyone in the bar. Dell explains that’s he’s been closeted his whole life, and no one knows that he’s a freak; but he’s ready for a relationship with him. Dell cries & confesses that under his strong man image he has feelings too– love & pain. Andy calmly explains that the bar is his office, and spending time with Dell is his job. Dell storms away. Dandy walks up to the table prompting Andy to list his prices to his new customer… Then Teresa screams & flips the table. #ProstitutionWHOAAR ☺
As Elsa walks into the twins’ tent, she overhears them talking about the TV show that Stanley offered them. Elsa tries to play top dog by insisting that the television show will actually be hers, and that she’ll serve as the twins’ mentor. She tells them she’s taking them to her seamstress in the morning who will make them new outfits. Dot is suspicious, but Bette is all “Who cares? I’d love a new hat.”
Dell returns to the trailer & see’s that Desiree’s suitcase is packed. She tells him that she went to the doctor and found out that she is not a hermaphrodite. He is surprised to find out that she can have babies too. She also says that Ethel told her the truth that Dell’s father had lobster hands, and that Jimmy is his son. She’s furious at Dell because she thought she was the freak, but he’s the one that has freak blood in his body.
Angela Basset serves some fierce face while yelling at Dell that he’s a “sorry ass”, and she’s gonna have a normal life with a pretty house & babies, “but not wit’ chooo.” He scoffs “no one is gonna want a big dicked three tittied woman like you.” She is up in his face telling him that she just has extra-large lady parts, all cosmetic; and she is going to have surgery to fix them. When the doctor is done, she will be too much woman for him, a natural woman. #ArethaFranklin.
Dandy takes man-whore Andy to Twisty’s trailer to get his $100 worth. What kind of street smart hooker is Andy? I guess it’s the perils & risks of being gay in the 1950’s. Though I am not and NEVER was a hooker, one of my perils was trying to find a subtle way to escape a guy’s apartment when I saw that all he had was a papasan chair. #Gross
When Andy touches Dandy he stops him, “I am not a fruit.” Instead Dandy proposes that they stand back to back and undress; then let the magic happen whatever that may be. They both strip down to their white briefs and turn around at the same time. Dandy is wearing Twisty’s stank mouth mask and without warning starts repeatedly stabbing Andy over & over & over in the torso. Dandy touches his own blood splattered semi-nude body while almost in a post orgasmic trance like state. But Andy is not dead yet. He’s coughing up blood & screaming for help, and Dandy starts repeatedly stabbing him in the back over & over, “Just DIE!”
Now paying homage to “Dexter,” Dandy is narrating good killer rules 101 on how to get rid of the evidence. He saws off his left arm & dissolves it an acid bath (in the woods). He returns to saw off his left arm, and Andy is still not dead. Dandy is bewildered, “How can you still be alive? You’re making me feel bad. Stop it!” Andy is begging Dandy to kill him, and he continues sawing away at him.
Back at the mansion Gloria receives a call from Regina (Gabourey Sidibe), who is Dora’s daughter. She’s in secretary school in New York City, and she’s worried because her mother missed their weekly phone call. Gloria lies and says Dora is busy & not available. Then she asks Regina how she was as a mother. When Regina was young, she and Dandy used to play together. Regina recalls that the nannies spent more time with Dandy than she did.
Tearfully Gloria tells Regina that she raised Dandy the same way that she, herself, was raised. Gloria remembers the time that Dandy had a fever, and she did not go into his room to help him; she sent the nanny instead, and he never called for her to help again. Regina is uncomfortable with the oversharing and hangs up. Dandy calls out to his mother as appears in the doorway still in his underwear briefs and totally covered in blood in the middle of the day. #MamaDrama
Dell visits the doctor who’s offered to operate on Desiree. He breaks the man’s fingers and threatens his entire family, unless the doctor never sees Desiree again… Elsa is driving the twins’ into town, but she makes a stop at the Mott mansion. When Gloria opens the door Elsa greets her, “I have brought you something I believe you want.” #FreaksForDandy
Do you think Dell will be a suspect in Andy’s disappearance? Will Stanley kill a freak next week? Do you love how Ethel & Desiree are roommates now? How on earth did Dandy get all the way home semi-nude & bloodied without anyone seeing him? What is Dandy going to do with the Tattler twins? Did you all love the music and the homage to American Pyscho? #Perfect
What did you Freaktards think about “Pink Cupcakes”, the gayest AHS episode to date? I hope y’all are still interested even though my recap is a little late. Please stalk me like Dandy in a gay bar @Urethra_F