Okay. Time to try to forget all the reasons not to like Lisa Vanderpump and enjoy the premiere of Vanderpump Rules! Jax claims he is a new man in the best place in his life he has ever been. He just has to be careful not to screw it up because that is a pattern with him. Kristen is still in love with Tom, but screwing the dishwasher whose name I’ve already forgotten. Do you think I will need to know it? Tom had never had a connection with anyone like has with Ariana. Didn’t he say that about Kristen last season? Scheana got a very long tattoo all the way down her forearm that says, “It’s all happening.” She’s getting married. Life is a dream now that Stassi is gone. Drunk Katie is insulted that everyone thinks she drinks too much tequila. Scheana is inviting everyone to her birthday. Katie is being a bitch in her very first scene. It’s all coming back to me.
Jax and Tom are bartending together. They have now made up. Jax feels like Tom is better off as a result him sleeping with his girlfriend Kristen. Now he has a better girlfriend. He kinda right, but that is something you should not admit out loud. On TV.
Speaking of crazy, Kristen is spreading rumors that Tom went to Miami and cheated on Ariana. Apparently the chick that he cheated with gushed about it on Instagram. Apparently, Kristen spends her life googling Tom and saw the post (can you really talk about much on Instagram? I thought is was mostly pictures of penises and what you had for lunch (assuming those are two different things) ? Anyway she contacted the girl and her description (of his penis???) was just “too damn specific not to be true.” So we are not wasting anytime getting into the drama. YAY! And Kristen is crazier than ever! Double Yay!
Stassi and her boyfriend are pretend moving back to LA and staying with Katie and her Tom. Tom is still with drunk Katie? Men are such idiots. Lisa is still really pissed with Stassi. She tells Katie that Stassi owes her an apology. She suggests Stassi stop by PUMP to grovel.
PUMP is due to open in a week and the last-minute drama is going down. It already looks amazing.
Kristen and the dishwasher and Scheana and Shay meet for drinks and Kristen can’t wait to drop the news about Tom. The British dishwasher, whose name is apparently James all up in this story talking about some girl from Miami’s period? The fuck? Why is Scheana crying because Tom has been caught cheating AGAIN? Scheana has giant eyes.
Jax is getting a nose job. Jax has two girlfriends on in LA and one in Vegas. He says they know about each other.
Stassi, the horrid excuse for a human, goes to PUMP to speak with Lisa. Stassi moved without telling Lisa goodbye. And Stassi never contacted her. But Lisa forgives her immediately and they begin trash talking the SUR employees.
Scheana tells Ariana about the girl in Miami. Scheana even shows her the texts. Ariana doesn’t believe it. She says that Kristen is just trying to stir shit up.
James is not just a dishwasher, he is also a DJ. He’s been spinning with all the big names. Everyone arrives at Scheana’s party. Ariana and Tom are kissyfacing and Kristen is losing her mind because her plan to destroy them has failed. Ariana trusts her man. Or maybe she’s just overlooking a few things. Either way, they seem happy. Jax brings his LA girlfriend, Carmen. She’s young enough to be his daughter.
Scheana interrogates Tom about the Miami girl. Why is this any of Scheana’s business? They have discussed it. They are over it. Scheana tells the camera that she will always think Tom got away with something. Why the hell would Scheana always be thinking about this? It doesn’t concern her. Tom and Ariana are fine. Why would Scheana, who is working on her wedding, give it a second thought? If Tom is getting away with something, who cares? Tom points out that Kristen is a crazy, vindictive bitch who is trolling the Internet looking for dirt on him. Tom points out that Scheana is friends with Kristen and James both of whom stabbed him in the back. Apparently, James was his BFF and they were doing some music thing when he started boning his ex (?) girlfriend.
Meanwhile, Stassi is too cool for Scheana’s party (AKA not invited) so we must suffer through her outing with her friends that Bravo has cast for her this season. Katie is up Stassi’s butt as usual while her Tom is at the birthday party. They all sit around talking about Kristen and the rest of the people at the birthday party. Oh, Peter chooses to go to the Stassi ass kissing fest because he doesn’t like Kristen. Well, Peter, nobody likes Kristen but she brings the crazy and the camera time so make a better choice and please make it without your shirt on. Thanks in advance.
The two groups start posting pictures on Instagram back and forth trying to prove who is having the better time. Ariana’s boyfriend is letting his gay freak flag fly. Why doesn’t anyone notice this? Tom seems bitter about his relationship, um friendship with James ending.
Jax and Kristen get into it in front of Carmen. She realizes that Jax just admitted he lies and cheats and is crazy. She may jut give up without a fight and send Jax off to the Vegas girl.
Tom decides to confront Kristen. James steps in and tells Tom he doesn’t need to talk to Kristen. James runs his mouth and Tom is unable to bridle his passion for James any longer so he smashes his hand in his face and commences a beat down in the bar.
Awesome. I missed these annoying cuntsicles.