I’m going to take one for the team and recap this episode. I am warning you in advance I may tag out before the entire excruciating 30 minutes are over if Andy let’s this be an entire show of talking about THE CANCER. I find it odd that Andy has not tweeted a picture with the guests yet and instead posted a picture of Wacha watching sports on TV. Oh! It’s up now. Thirteen minutes before air time. I wonder if he was waiting for them to change? WTF are these two wearing? Are they even going to the same function? I’m already annoyed and I’ve yet to see them on TV.
Andy’s first comment is about Amber’s odd ensemble. He’s like, ” So um what exactly do we call this look?” Amber thinks it is country. and vintage. Andy nods knowingly and says and kind of ’60s. Clearly, Amber was her own stylist as well. I’m looking to see if there is a scrunchy in her hair. Andy doesn’t even acknowledge Jim. Seriously, he skips right over him to gush over the bartender. I swear to God this is the show from the twilight zone already. The bartender has made two drinks, one is for Andy and the other is presumably for her. Andy gets up to fetch his and Amber starts whining for the other one. She tells Jim to fetch it for her. Of course he does. The bartender is a singer that Andy likes. She is very patient and kind.
The drinking word, sadly, is not douchebag. It’s Bobby. Finally, Andy acknowledges Jim and tells him how brave he is to come on the show. Andy says he got thousands of tweets from people telling him to let Jim know he is a douchebag. WHICH IS WHY I SAID THE DRINKING WORD SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOUCHEBAG. DUH. Perhaps Andy is worried we would all get alcohol poisoning. Andy reminds Jim about a conversation they had at the reunion. Andy says Jim is a disaster on Twitter. Andy points out how combative he is on Twitter. Jim says he is flattered by all the attention. Of course he is.
Andy shows us of a picture of Amber’s ” bodybuilding days” and points out that it looks photoshopped. Amber swears it isn’t. Andy brings up that in Florida, Amber compared Jim to Hitler. Andy asks him how that made him feel. Jim said he “wasn’t real (sic) happy about it because he lost the war and he doesn’t usually lose.” He should have said, “I suppose it is a pleasant change from all of the Napoleon Complex insults sent my way my 98% of the free world.” Jim says that they have a lot of pet names for each other and “Hitler” is not even the worst one. My God Andy’s incredulous face may freeze that way during this show.
Andy plays a super long montage of the cast insulting Jim which helped me try to catch up because I could fast forward. Jim has 30 seconds to respond. Jim says ” A. Only someone with an ass as big as Dina’s (Andy’s Jaw is already on the ground) could actually know how big of a douchebag a whale would need to clean its vagina. B. Joe I already called you a bitch so to repeat it, I know you only got to the third grade and you only got to B in the alphabet go on to C, D and E it’s much, much better. Wolf in sheep’s clothing? She’s probably right about that I’ll let her go. (no idea who he is referring to) As far as not wanting to hang out with me? I didn’t by any tickets to hang out so it’s okay.” And yes, I get the irony that he somehow was unable to keep labeling his points alphabetically beyond the letter B. My God that was nonsensical. I would almost feel sorry for him if he was not such a douchebag.
This is the Jim Show. Andy runs a clip of Amy Phillips mocking him. It was just, meh.
Amber, why are you always crying on the show? They really did pick up on a lot of crying. Blah blah blah THE CANCER.
Amber, do you regret the white eyeliner? Meh, my makeup artist is wonderful, the eyeliner just didn’t “transcend well” on TV.
Jim, what do you think about the Giudice Sentence? I don’t know enough about the case to have an opinion. As long as they think it is fair, it’s fair to me. WAIT WHAT? I THOUGHT YOU WERE PROSECUTING THE CASE, JAMES. Or assisting the prosecutor’s office to help with their case. Or helping the prosecutor’s office with a another case and that was a conflict of interest? Or being prosecuted for fraud by the same office? Or one of a million other stories you told. Now you don’t know about the case? Really? Let’s see if Andy has a follow-up… NOPE. No he does not. Because, missed opportunity.
Jim, why did you come on the show if you wanted nothing to do with the Giudices? Jim tells his usual twitter bullshit about how he was signed before they had any legal issues. So they were stuck. FINALLY, a challenge to this stupidity by Andrew. Even Amber is calling BS. Jim also says once they pled, it was no longer an issue for him.
Amber, why do constantly bring up THE CANCER it makes you look childish and like an attention whore! You know what I say? I say go through it before you can comment on that. I earned the right to say it. I walked the walk and you can go fuck yourself! (Ah, there are those devout Catholic values coming out.)
Jim, how do you hold a job when you are on Twitter, ALL DAY LONG EVERY FUCKING DAY? It’s pretty easy. Tweeting only takes about 30 seconds and I can rip them off. (He’s approaching 10K in tweets in less than 2 months. The man is clearly not working anywhere.)
Jim, why do you talk down to and degrade women? Jim doesn’t think he talks down to women at all. Jim says if you behave like one of the guys, I’ll treat you like one of the guys. He said “at the end of the day if you want to be my equal….” ROFLMAO while he was saying he doesn’t talk down to women, he places himself above them.
Amber, how was the reunion? She says she did a few extra Krav Maga classes to prepare. She says it turned out to be much more of a purging experience for her. Do you think she means she threw up a lot? Amber says she walked away with a lot of respect for the women she did her first season with. (and we all hope it is her last.)
Jim, what do you think about the entire world thinking you have a Napoleon Complex? He says first off Napoleon was 5’7″ so it is kind of fitting since I am…almost… 5’7″ ( and by almost 5′ 7″ he means 5’5″) with my shoes, my hair and every ounce of me… Andy picks THIS battle to fight with Jim. He says so without shoes you are not 5″7″ and Jim says yeah about 5’6″. Jesus are we going to argue about how short the little pipsqueak is all night? Let him answer is dumb answer so we can move on. He says being compared to one of the greatest emperors in history is not that bad, so he’s all good. He says it could be worse, he could be compared to a whale’s vagina or something. He still doesn’t get the whale sized douchebag insult. I must point out, and should have done so earlier, that Amber does this well rehearsed hideous cackle after everything Jim says as if he has made some sort of humorous remark. It’s very odd.
“Jill Baby” from Charlotte calls in and is drunk and holding her little dog Sparkle and rambles on and on… it was kind of funny…
Jim, are you wearing “mom jeans.” ? He says no and gets up so show us his dirty looking jeans.
Do you regret doing the show? No the free photo shoot (by Bravo) was worth it.
Jim was asked how he would feel if his kids behaved the way he does. He responded, “We believe in being mirrors, if someone is kind to you be kind. If someone asks for help, help them and if someone is cruel, show them what cruel is.” ~ Jim Marchese’s Catholic Guide to Parenting.
Andy’s reaction to that was priceless and there were audible groans from the tiny audience.
Poll Question: Whose side are you on? The Marcheses or Everyone Else? Everyone else wins with 79% Andy said he thought it would be worse. LOL.