We are starting with a fake scene filmed in June. This time Kathy and Jacqueline will not be eating salad, or lunch, no dear readers, this time we get to watch them eat…..wait for it….Kathy’s cannoli! Because watching Jac, who did not film the entire season eat random food items is still more interesting than the new cast members. Let’s watch. Because sadly there is not enough for me to fast forward through. I think that must be why they are starting off with it. Bastards. Richard’s crude sex talk is also considered more interesting than the new cast.
Melissa and Amber are at a bar together. Melissa tries to explain why production has paired these two for this scripted dialogue by pointing out in her talking head that she does not hold Amber responsible for “douche Jim.” I think Jim may have been called a douchebag more than Juan Pablo from The Bachelor at this point. Is there a trophy he should try to retrieve? Melissa wants us all to see the Chanel bag that she is carrying. She props it on the bar and turns the sparkly logo toward the camera. Here’s the thing. Chanel is not seeking promotional fees from a real housewives show. So, this is either a fake (most likely) or it will be used as evidence in an upcoming bankruptcy filing. I am not into the whole handbag thing so I can’t make that assessment. Anyway, I think I would rather go back to Richard Wakile making cannoli jokes. I am starting to agree with production. There is really nothing about this scene to move the scripted plot forward. Melissa and Amber are fake storyline friends again.
Nicole arrives at the cannoli joke fest with Bobby in tow. He will fit in great with Richard and Chris. Nicole’s talking head is about Bobby treated her badly in Boca Raton. And here we go with the autism crap. Jac feels the need to tell a woman that she has known for five minutes about her kid’s milestones and that “autism is a spectrum.” I was proud that Jac pronounced her words correctly. Oh, and she wants Nicole to know she has had five miscarriages. You know, the normal conversations that two women have within two seconds of meeting each other. Nicole counters with the whole, “Oh by the way, people say my twin sister’s husband fucked out mother but that’s totally not true.” Then the group of women decide to call Victoria Gotti, “vagina” as any group of grown women would do. Jac wonders if she is going to get murdered. Sadly, I doubt it. Rich calls Teresa Giudice “Felonini.” Kathy and Jac and Rosie all gang up on Teresa Giudice and tell Nicole not trust her because she is a horrible person. Perhaps she is, but they just made themselves look equally bad.
Amber, Teresa and Dina are at a bordello, hoping to turn a few tricks to make ends meet, wait. It looks like a bordello but it could be a spa. Or it could be a spa that is a cover for a bordello. Probably that last one. Melissa is, um, off camera at least for now. I shall not speculate as to why. ANYWAY. The purpose of this scene is to catch Tre up on what went down in Boca Raton and for Tre to pretend like this is the first time she has heard any of this. AND ACTION. The drinking phrase tonight is “on the same page” and by now you should be drunk. Also, Dina plays the “kids with cancer” card in her talking head just like Aviva played the “kids with no legs card.” Same script, different state. Same theme as the bar scene, Jim is the fucktard and it’s not Amber’s fault. Tre says in her most recently filmed talking head that if someone say that about her mother she would just laugh it off. Visions of Juicy fucking Tre’s mother are not pleasant. They are sweaty. Now I am thinking about the sweaty balls skit from SNL. NOT PLEASANT. Moving on. Melissa is done with her client, or errr whatever she was doing and is with the girls. Tre points out that in Italy if you get a bee sting you put mud on it. I for one she knows so much about her future home country. It will make settling in so much easier.
TereSSA calls Melissa to invite her and Dina to a “tasting party” the next day at one of their restaurants. Because when you have a party, you let your guests know around 16 hours before the event. Teresa and Amber are NOT invited. Melissa had this all on speakerphone, because again, this is how one answers a phone in a quiet bordello. Teresa and Amber act like idiots. Dina says she will not let anyone speak badly about Tre at the party. The madam arrives to take the girls into private rooms.
There are way too many talking heads with Amber in the white eyeliner. Amber invites some people over to tell them about her fake nipples and back scars. I am not making this up. Oh wait. It’s a photo shoot for her five-year mark. This will not end well. For me. HOLY SHIT! It’s a nude shoot. I want to fast forward but this is like a train wreck I just have to watch. OMG. I am now trying to think of the SNL sweaty balls skit. Jim is doing a hilarious dramatic act to make it all about him. It’s ridiculous the lengths these two will go to.
Jesus Christ. Now we have to look at Teresa’s feet while she embarrasses Gia. Dear GOD. Please go back to Jac and Kathy eating random foods. Tre announces that she got her IUD (or some birth control device) taken out. Um, I thought she had in vitro sessions. What is with all the lies.
The tasting is at some friend of Rino’s house instead of the restaurants or their house, why? Have we ever seen Rino and TereSSA’s house? Santa is there. The mom, not Claus. Melissa and Dina talk to Teressssa about the charity event. Melissa wants to bring her girls to the event but not if there will be drama. Teresssssa thinks Teresa should apologize. Teressa’s parent toast to Rino. They love him. But not in the biblical sense.
Nicole and Bobby go fake house shopping. I am thinking about that time Nene went house shopping for ten million dollar mansions in Miami.
Jim and Amber go to look at her photos on the wall and have a private dinner. More cancer talk. I can’t with this crap. How many times is Amber going to be sitting and crying alone with Jim saying her friends should support her before she realizes why she has no friends?
Dian and Melissa and Teresa talk about the charity event. Jim is not participating. Aw darn, all of those friend of Jim’s won’t be invited. And Teresa tells Dina she has no intention of apologizing to the twins.
Next Week: All hell breaks loose at the Project Ladybug event. Because, duh. And they show the aftermath of Tre getting sentenced.
God this was a horrible episode.