Let’s be honest. Bravo does this to us every season. We are done. We are so done. But there are some things left unresolved. Surely, the will resolve them. We have hope. Yet resolution never comes. So here we go again. All we really care about seeing at this point is footage of the Marry, Shag Kill game at Heather’s Valentine’s Day party. We would be thrilled to just see one hour of that party completely unedited.
But that will never happen. We’re going to see Tamra insults that landed on the cutting room floor because there were so many. Probably more instances where Vicki and Tamra were uncouth in Bali. Likely, a few pretentious thoughts of Heathers. If we are lucky perhaps a loving scene between Christian and Lizzie. But we will not be satisfied at the end of an hour. 70% will be recycled crap we have covered a thousand times. But there is always that shred of naïve hope that production will surprise us this one time…
We start with Vicki and Shannon paddling their little plastic boat over to some poor local person’s boat that is anchored in the bay. Since they are sure the boat is “abandoned” they plan to board and loot. Because that is the sort of thing one does when visiting a foreign county. You board boats that don’t belong to you because you are American and the question, “What is the worst thing that can happen?” doesn’t occur to you. Oh, just after I typed that Vicki said it. But still, the answer was wrong.
You know what would be fun? A montage of Vicki screaming. God production hates us. But in actuality, they show us a painting party. Heather brings Tamra a man to paint her house. A hot man. What’s the problem? This is way better than them having to paint. The ladies were so distracted by the painting their make your own pizza’s burned.
We have a scene with Shannon and her feng shui expert to redo her house. Vikki has a grandbaby. Vikki liked Shannon at first but not Lizzie. Haven’t we already done this? Where is the secret in any of this. I can’t. Replaying footage for the season we have already seen is not a secret revealed you fucking shitpickles.
They did show a scene where Vicki bought Shannon some light up Mickey Mouse years, I think in Bali and compared it to her time in Mexico with Tamra the year before. Tamra admits she feels like Shannon replaced her when Andy asked her. Are you trying to tell us something, Andrew?
I keep trying to fast forward but there is not place to go. Oh Yay. A montage of screaming babies. Including Terry calling Coco a bitch. We talk about Vicki’s 28 year old son who treats he so rudely. And because we have not seen enough of the robot baby. Really? I am so ready to turn this off and go watch Utopia on Demand.
Oh look. It’s some unseen footage of a family dinner at Lizzie’s it’s cute and sweet and introduces the all to us. This should have been in one of the first three shows, not now when she will likely not want to film ever again. Oh crap. I just remembered it’s trash day tomorrow. BRB. Did I miss anything? I didn’t think so. I took a large shipping box to the curb. Came back and rolled the trash out. Check my stock prices for the day. Discovered I had a nice jump in price. Went to a message board to report on that. Made a post. And still we are at commercial. This is why when we get international shows on Bravo they are at least 8 minutes longer than an hour because this show is 40% ads.
Did you know that Tamra said that Brooks was not a good guy this season? You did? You mean this is not a secret? Vicki loves being with Brooks. Her experiences with him have been nothing but good. Oh look, here is Brooks. Andy brings up Brooks loves Vicki’s vagina. A viewer asks if she is seeing other people. Vicki says she is dating other people but she has not seen anyone who she likes as much as Brooks. Brooks and Vicki have spent the last year in both individual and couples therapy. We see a scene with them at couples therapy. Brooks says that when Ryan was deployed he told Vicki not to expose his wife or kid to Brooks. So when he came back, Brooks apologized about his drunken phone comments. Brianna replied that he has 7 months to do that and she was still angry. Brooks says he was respecting Ryan’s wishes. Brooks has on a fabulous suit. It sounds like Brooks and Vicki want to get married. The therapist is not helpful.
Vicki’s house is on the market and she already has another place she wants to buy. She says if Brooks moves in he will pay rent. Brooks seems to think he will get a percentage of the house. That is ridiculous. He will be a tenant.
Andy asked what has going through divorce/marriage on national TV taught them about themselves. Heather says that she needs to lighten up. They show Terry and Heather on an anniversary dinner of their first date. Heather gives Terry a photo album of their time together. Terry cries like the housewife he is. It’s pictures of their old house.
Then one more meal in Bali where the woman mock exotic food. Like duck. Because no one eats duck in the US. Good Lord. Thank god this shit show is over. I’m going to watch Utopia now.