Of course we begin with a scene with Teresa, mother of the year, cooking with her adorable kids while wearing an apron that says please don’t send the mother of these adorable children off to college! Well, minus the apron part. Even Audrina is in on the act this time and she is like the invisible sister. Poor think is tasked with chopping onions and her eyes are all teary. Gia on the other hand looks to be on the verge of real tears and or a nervous breakdown sitting quietly at the kitchen table. Milania takes a bite of onion and acts like she is eating a jalapeno. She’s a drama queen that one.
March 4, 2014 (and before and after according to me)
The plea deal happens. Joe watches what appears to be a new show with some random actress voicing over the program. Or the news people in New Jersey report hard news in the same voice as “news” about what Kim Kardashian had for breakfast. Amber learns about it on her cell phone via ROL. I’m telling you they are some strange bedfellows, Bravo and ROL. TamaraTattles.com will be shown on an upcoming episode of Couples Therapy and I know a bit about how production and the websites work together or against each other. Amber cries while talking to Teresa. Teresa takes the call on speaker in front of Gia, age 13, who immediately laughs at Amber and her crying. I am waiting for her to say this is almost as bad as that time I had cancer. Gia is laughing at her. Teresa says in her talking head maybe Amber was on her period OR THINKING BACK TO HER CANCER. You can’t make this shit up.
Okay, the onions are still on the counter so we are supposed to believe that this is February 28th, but he articles are about the plea deal that happened on March 4th! Stupid editing from a production team that wants us to buy into upcoming scenes with Jac and Kathy wearing winter coats in June. Teresa is filming a scene after the fact denying that anything about a plea deal is true. This is amazing. I’ll be her all night pointing out the idiocy of this episode! Amber is sobbing still saying she thought everything was resolved and they were in the clear? Why the hell would she think that if Teresa has said in every scene that things continue to drag on. Dammit. I should have known better than to expect any actual REAL FOOTAGE on a fucking REALITY SHOW. Amber continues to pry. Teresa basically tells her to shut up. Amber says in her talking head, she is not one to pry. Then the fake entry of Jim with his wife in hysterics and Jim says “what’s wrong?” like it is the 47th take and he is bored with it. THERE IT IS! THE CANCER CARD IN AMBER’S TALKING HEAD. She says Teresa is not going to die at the end of this so my situation was worse. Dear mother of God this woman is self-absorbed.
Gia explains to Teresa that she is not stupid and she knows what is going on. Teresa says “Things happen in life and mommy and daddy have to deal with it the best we know how.” Gia cries and Tre hugs her. Gia looks like she has been crying all day. Teresa says in her talking head. “I don’t know why this had to happen.”
Melissa and Dina go to work out, which is weird because they don’t get along very well. Oh. I see now. It’s a scene to plan the Florida trip. Somewhere close, Melissa says, where they can all go, even the ones whose passports the feds are holding.
Next we have a scene where Jim is cooking for his Domme. They whine about Bobby.
Teresa and Melissa go to Dina’s to help her shovel her sidewalk. Who is writing this storyline? Seriously? Next we go to the twins and Bobby shoving shit, I mean snow. Bobby shares Amber’s psychotic texts to Bobby. Amber is used to fighting Jim’s battles she has been doing it since the whistleblower case he was involved in. Nicole says that Amber doesn’t have a penis and that Jim should be handling this. Clearly, she didn’t get the memo. I’m sure Dina will fill her in.
Speaking of Dina. She just said that she had a child who died when she was seven in a previous life and that is why she is so into children’s charities in this life. She also said the dead kid from the previous life is her mother in this life. Where the holy hell does Bravo find these people? Seriously. They are at a small Ladybug Project function and Nicole says in her talking head this is not the place for her to bring up Amber’s inappropriate texts to Bobby. Which means she will and it will be glorious. The purpose of the function is to plan a charity event together. After Amber reminds us all that she had cancer, Teresa points out that one of her friends has breast cancer and is getting a vasectomy on April 1st. You know, April 1st our national holiday in honor of Teresa Giudice. Amber mentions her cancer again.
During the Ladybug Project, Amber pulls Teresa off to discuss the Rino rumor. Amber says she will never bring it up. You know, while she is bringing it up within earshot of the twins.
Joe is out feeding the chickens and Teresa is sitting in the middle of the floor reading scriptures and praying for protection. Next we see Joe and Teresa entering the courthouse to take a plea deal. Cameras are everywhere. All the local stations, Bravo, tons of coverage. Cut to E! News coverage. All in the NBCu family.
Rino seems to be the sane one in his marriage. They keep trying to put out there that Teresa is going to get probation.
Joe Gorga’s talking head is the first sincere one so far. Possibly Melissa’s too. Kathy and Rosie and Dina all swear they have no idea how the law works. Teresa Giudice has said the same thing many times. So New Jersey Italians don’t know that lying under oath to the feds is a felony and kind of a big deal? Really?
The prosecutor made a media statement that Teresa and Joe both pled guilty to charges of mortgage fraud and bankruptcy fraud that took place over the better part of a decade. Joe’s attorney made no comment.Teresa’s attorney then read this statement.
“Today, I took responsibility for a series of mistakes I made several years ago. I have said throughout that I respect the legal process and thus I intend to address the Court directly at sentencing. I will describe the choices I made, continue to take responsibility for my decisions, and express my remorse to Judge Salas and the public. I am heartbroken that this is affecting my family—especially my four young daughters, who mean more to me than anything in the world. Beyond this, I do not intend to speak specifically about the case outside of court, at the recommendation of my attorney and out of deference to the Government and our legal system.”
NEXT WEEK: The fake Jacqueline scenes begin? The previews were for the rest of the season trying to keep up tuning in. On the Florida trip Jim tells TeRESSA that Gino fucked her mother in a room full of people. I’m sure someone beat his ass. I wonder where that legal document is.
For a straightforward report on their bankruptcy situation read here. It’s not what the big sites are reporting.