Real Housewives of Melbourne Goes Into the Toilets

So we are back to Everyone Hates Jane-uh.  I had homework for this article sent by Michael but alas between Frankie, Apollo and the Giudices, I didn’t have to do it this week. Incidentally, Frankie, Apollo and the Giudices would be a good name for a band if anyone is looking. Just envision that collaboration on stage for a moment, would you? Little Milania playing the tambourine. It would be like a Tamara Tattles version of the Partridge Family!  Okay. Sorry. Moving on .

By the way, the LBGTQRSTPC folks are on my twitter squealing that I called some old, um, comrades “one flamer away ” from being able to access Frankie’s Facebook page.  This is fabulous for ratings. Forgive me if I attempt to rile them up further in this post. Thank God for Gina, she will be the unfortunate target of my anti-gay remarks. Sorry Jane-uh, controversy is money.

YAY we’re going to Mission Beach!  They have already frankenbited in “Mission Beach” a couple of times. Seems like the city itself has bought a promo not just the resort.  What does “When he’s out step out mean in Aussie?” Because here is translates into a hall pass to fuck around on your rocker husband.

Andrea’s daughter is adorable despite her mother with no maternal instincts. Andrea on the other hand goes into details about her C-section for Bud’s birth. Of course, Lydia yammers on about taking a helicopter to the beach. And Jane-uh is late, probably trying to flame things up a bit. (see what I did there?) Janet is more annoying than usual. I feel less bad about setting up Gina for the gay jokes this episode because she is wearing a dress with one shoulder. The entire housewives franchise has put me off such monstrosities forever. But, I must say, she wears it better than most and the blue is lovely.

Andrea is a brunette? Is this new? How did I ever like Lydia. She is Sofa King annoying. Jackie, Gina and Chyka are all in one helicopter which means it’s fine with me if the other one crashes for the purposes of great TV.  The resort is gorgeous. I would never leave it. They rented out the whole thing! Wowsers!

Janet wants everyone to take a midnight swim. Chyka is already planning the next party. It’s a dog party since everyone except Jackie has a dog. That will not go well.  These human bitches can’t socialize together, let alone actual bitches.

A WALLABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andrea, Lydia and Jackie go for a walk so that Andrea and Lydia can say vile things about Gina to Jackie Currently, Jackie is fine with Gina so they must turn her on their side. Andrea is convinced that she knows the conversation that Gina and Janet had “in the toilets” at the Botanical Gardens. Attention Aussies, “in the toilets” means… oh nevermind. You’re adorable. Continue.

Oh crap I really should have done the homework Michael sent. Here it comes. Andrea and Lydia are convinced that Gina called them cunts. I believe that is likely true. They are cunts. Thankfully, she did not call them flamers are trannys. Neither Andrea nor Lydia has any sort of personality to draw that terminology upon themselves. (CHING! $). And, Lydia says she sent them an email of a legal nature. Here is the backstory on the email. As taping began, Gina and her stateside man were being discussed quite a bit. The stateside man did not agree to have any of his business discussed on the show and was displeased. Gina, who is an attorney, sent the production company and the television station that carries the show a stern document asking them to cease and desist from mention anything about they guy, and because the cast needed to know not to bring him up, copied them all on the email as a heads up.  This is the real reason that some of the ladies are pissed with Gina. They see it as a legal threat. Because they are idiots. 

Andrea and Lydia are also pissy that Gina doesn’t like their books. Apparently, Gina cracked that Lydia’s book is about “vaginas” actually, the word vaginas appeared to be a frankenbite to cover up the word “cunts” which the ladies have been referring to as “the c-word” which annoys me to no end. Anyway. Chelsea Handler has been making quite the cash writing about her vagina. That said, I doubt Lydia’s vagina is very interesting at all.  And Andrea, your own damn focus group told you that your book was a laughable piece of garbage? How is that Gina’s fault! Maybe Gina is just jealous because she is a tranny, flamer ($! $!) without a vagina of her own? Allegedly.  Jackie says she finds Gina’s comments highly insulting and complements Lydia’s vagina by saying, “You’ve actually got a good one.”  Because apparently, these are the sorts of conversations one has at a lovely resort in Mission Beach.  Jackie suggests the ladies confront Gina during dinner. Because that is how the housewives handle their business. And off to Yoga they go! Shine! Shine!

Oh God. Everyone is at Yoga together. It’s like hot yoga, only instead of heat, there is an abundance of seething rage. Lydia says she’s never had a hard brick between her legs. And that explains everything you need to know about Lydia.

Gina arrives by the pool along later looking smashing, and well-tucked (will that count, you think?) in a white two piece.  Things are quite lovely for her so production sends out Andrea.  There are awkward moments until the other girls arrive.

Wow Jackie is a little shit stirrer. First she calls Gina vile or whatever and then it’s Lydia and Andrea sharpening claws on one double recliner and Jackie sidling up to Gina like she is her best friend on the other. I didn’t know Gina had cancer. Isn’t she supposed to mention that I every conversation? Or is that just the way they do it in Jersey?

Lydia and Andrea are in the most beautiful setting ever, and yet all they do is bitch about Gina.  Wow. Andrea’s son was in a tragic fire and suffered burns over 70% of his body. It sounds like he caught on fire at a bonfire. He nearly died. Janet tells the story to Chyka and it’s quite touching.

Next up, Lydia has been sent to ambush Gina on behalf of the girls. Lydia brings up the man who shall not be discussed on camera for starters. Because she was told not to. She just keeps interrogating. Lydia says she should not be calling him. She gives Gina all sorts of advice. Lydia hates Gina so there is no way she is coming from a good place. Lydia tells Gina that she throws off anxiety and frustration. Lydia is just a horrible person both in the scene and in her talking head. She is not happy that she didn’t ruffle Gina at all.

Janet tells Jackie she wants to confront Gina and Jackie encourages her. Are all of these women bitches?

It’s time for the dinner to attack Geen-er. At the dinner Jackie whispers to Janet to wait until after dinner. Then Jackie gets the ball rolling by suggesting that everyone go around the table and said what their first impressions were of each other when they met. Andrea who is in a hideous paisley one shoulder ensemble begs to begin the attack and Jackie grants her wish.

Andrea says nice things about everyone but to Gina she said her first impression was that she wore a lot of makeup. Andrea and Gina are at the ends of the table. Jackie said she thought they were all bitches.

Janet finally takes the floor. Gina suggest they talk privately. Janet says the other girls are involved as well. Jackie, the puppet master of this whole even says quite curtly, “What do you mean involved?”  Gina says she thinks the issue is she was late to tennis. Gina reminds them that she was working that morning and essentially says that production knew she would be late, without coming right out and saying it. Gina says she works and is very busy. Andrea jumps on that saying she is much busier. Gina says she is not going to argue over that. I wish she would, because I don’t think Andrea even has a job and she certainly is not involved in child-rearing so what the fuck does she do all day? Andrea wants to compete about it. Gina apologizes to Janet because she feels disrespected.

Andrea says that Gina called her a cunt. Gina says she did not. Andrea says that Janet told her. Janet freaks out. Gina in her talking head says that it was not true. The footage we saw showed nothing of the sort. Ball’s in your court there, Janet. Gina admits the she said Lydia’s book was about her vagina. It’s funny!  Chyka is no fan of Janet and is sticking up for Gina. Not that Gina needs it.

Next Andrea and Lydia go in on the scandalous of bronzer on the guest towels in her bathroom. Andrea goes through the laundry list explaining all of her grievances. The only leg she has to stand on is the tennis court issue. You don’t wear heels on a tennis court. However, Andrea goes on and on and mentions the cost (40K) of the surface at least twice. Then…wait for it….she talks about how hard she worked to earn the money for that tennis court (doing what? blowjobs?) and points out that Gina does not have a 40K tennis court. Oh Andrea. In her talking head Gina says that Andrea does not intimidated her at all, and Andrea will be her own demise. SPOILER ALERT: Gina is the breakout star from season one and Andrea is not returning. Andrea is found GUILTY as charged with multiple counts of  Cuntitude.

Andrea unleashes a litany of insults at Gina at the dinner table and Gina is completely unperturbed. This is infuriating Andrea. I suppose she wanted tears or blood (or tranny seminal fluid CHA CHING! $$$). But she didn’t get it. Gina whips out a compact while the harpies feed on each other.

Lydia and Andrea go to talk in the toilets, as one apparently does in Australia. They prematurely declare victory and pat each other on the vagina (I’m assuming here, the shot is of the door of the bathroom stall they are sharing.) They are disappointed in Janet for “being too soft.” Again, they wanted bodily fluids to flood the dinner table like a river.

Back at the table, Andrea goes harder. She brings up the email and says that Gina is threatening to sue them. She demands Lydia bring up the email that is on her phone.  It’s amusing that Andrea says on camera she was told to cease and desist bringing up “a certain topic” or they would be served. Oddly, Lydia reamed Gina on that topic that very day. Gina tries to shut down the conversation saying that it is confidential from another person. Andrea counters that it was sent to them.  Gina explains that the ladies were added to the email so that they would know not to discuss the topic. Andrea says she is smarter than Gina. You know, Andrea, who can’t comprehend a simple email.

Chyka left the table and went to her room. She had enough drama. This was sweet because it gave Gina an easy exit. Gina calls her mother and says she is coming home early. Chyka calls to check on her. Lydia goes in on Chyka for being neutral. Everyone seems intimidated because Gina is a barrister. Is that some sort of huge deal down under? The US is overrun with attorneys. It’s really not that difficult to become one. And it’s hardly an admired profession. There are more jokes about lawyers than any other profession. I don’t get why all the women except for Chyka are so intimidated by Gina. It can’t be her job. Is it her penis? (Okay, okay last one…sorry)

NEXT WEEK: This will take a turn for Andrea… FINALLY. Andrea is having a party for her “new spa” and everyone is invited. Until Andrea doesn’t invite Gina, but Jackie the little shit stirrer does!