I’m going to admit upfront, I’ve forgotten everything I ever knew about Alexis Bellino except that Tamra called her Jesus Jugs. Oh thank God David’s assistant whose name escapes me is filling us all in. It’s apparently their ten-year anniversary. It has to be done in a week. David also has his daughter’s first birthday party, Cielo. I hate that name by the way. It makes me think of CeeLo. It looks pretty on paper, but doesn’t sound right.
Alexis pretends to be shocked that David Tutera is in her house, despite being wired with a mike and camera crew all over her house. Did Alexis always talk this much? Alexis has ten ideas that don’t go together. Jim and Alexis are already fighting. My head hurts already. I have a 90 minute RHONJ episode to recap in less than two hours. I may not have time for this much drama.
Alexis and David are arguing at Michael Costello’s design studio. Alexis asked for a red dress but now has decided she wants plum which is good because when she walks out in the plum dress it is full of pins and tailoring cloth and she had clearly already been fitted for the dress several times. So no shocker, that will be her dress. Yet the charade continues. I think they just like making Alexis look stupid in ugly dresses. Alexis picks a white dress that she wants in red. David leaves to go take care of his kid’s birthday party because this staged scene is ridiculous.
Oh an Alexis keeps calling the event. “her wedding!” She loves to be rude and point out she is paying David. She is not paying anyone. She is on a show she begged to be on to get a free party. Why are they in a parking lot of a SkyZone? Oh is that what they do now? Oh how the sanctimonious have fallen.
I seriously think Alexis is on diet pills. She is going ninety miles an hour and she never shuts up. And she is abrasive and agitated. What’s the Orange County speedball of choice these days?
Wow. Alexis has a ton of facial skin damage with no makeup on. It’s going to take several coats to cover that shit up. Alexis broke a nail. Tragedy!
David arrives the party with the dress and Alexis goes to the bathroom to fake cry. Alexis is pissed because David told her she looked like Jessica Rabbit in the dress at the studio. I don’t think Alexis is this good of an actress. I stand firm in my conviction she is on something. Allegedly. If she were not on something, she would let the makeup girl cover up that face!
I can’t believe they are going to go buy her some off the rack dress for her to wear with less than an hour before the renewal. Because there is no way that happened. Jesus Jugs can’t fit into standard sized dressed, especially in size 2 and 4. Don’t ask me how I know this. Oh look! There is Lydia! I love her! He husband is looking HOT!
If Alexis doesn’t wear the dress Michael Costello gave her, she will never be wearing his dresses again. Can you afford Michael Costello couture from owning a Sky Zone? I dunno. I’m just asking. Oh now she is pointing out that she might not be able to fit her boobs into an off the rack dress. Um, duh.
Miraculously, the off the rack dress fits and Alexis rides in a Cinderella carriage to the ceremony. Everything is a competition for Alexis. She tells her son her siblings will be jealous that he got to ride in the carriage. She tells us that Jim’s vow were better than hers. She is a real piece of work and the strapless dress shows that the sun damage goes from top to bottom. The white reception is stunning. Wow, I was confused by the term hip hop violinist until I heard him play for three seconds and those three seconds were awesome!
Suddenly, Alexis has a second dress for the reception? WTF? I didn’t think we even had one. Jim gets up and does a monologue as the guests wait once again for Alexis. Holy shit. It’s the Michael Costello dress that she refused to wear before. Apparently, she figured out she would not get to be dressed by Michael Costello after disrespecting his dress. I thought it was amusing that David made so many references to pills in this episode. We noticed, David.
David pretends that shoving roses in a bowl is him doing his own arrangements. He did not do his own arrangements. Cielo is the sweetest thing. They didn’t show her crying at all!
Now off to set up for RHONJ post! It’s going to be a long night and the RHONJ post will probably take a while.