We start at the point where Kelly cracked his skull on the concrete after falling off the swing. Amy takes her brother to the ER. Everyone else goes back to the boat where Kat and Ben continue to flirt with disaster, by flirting with each other on national TV when both of them are involved with people on land. Ben takes it upon himself to tell Eddie he needs a backup plan for Andrew because Andrew sucks. It’s not a casual thing, it’s more of a drunken directive that crosses the boundary into telling the brand new bosun he is not doing his job correctly. Seriously, Ben. Eddie has enough to deal with without you adding to the situation. Go back to cheating on your girl friend. Kelly shows up at 3:30 am and gets into bed. Ben denies Kat her request for a kiss. Tomorrow is a new charter.
Andrew’s ineptitude is highlighted once again. He is tired and clearly he has no clue what he is doing. He’s not even wearing shoes which causes him to get splinters in his feet. Just then, Captain Lee walks by and says, “What do you think? Deck shoes?” and keeps on walking. Priceless. Eddie asks him to take some things to the starboard bosun locker. Andrew doesn’t know what any of that means.
Kate didn’t seem to take to the down home silliness of the first group of guests, so this new group with black truffle on their provisions list should make her happy. Right? It’s an anniversary trip and their first trip without the kids. They are hot and rich and Kate is already jealous. She is already complaining about making mojitos. This speaks more to her bartending skills than their taste in beverages.
Meanwhile back with Andrew, the Frootloop Dingus of Below Deck, He is having problems figuring out how to remove the tarps from the deck furniture. This probably should have been done an hour ago. He finally goes to Eddie for help and he patiently tries to explain how to do it from the dock. It’s not getting through so Kelley is sent to help him. Which he does with a bit of an attitude, which is justifiable frustration since he has his own shit to do.
Andrew goes to call his mommy. Andrew has anxiety. His mother sounds like a headshrinker talking about “catastrophic thinking” ( don’t ask me how I know this.) I am starting to feel sorry for the kid. He doing a deep breathing technique on the way to the wheelhouse to visit Captain Lee. He starts the conversation with, “I hate to do this…” Captain says,” That tells me I’m probably going to hate it more than you do.” As someone with an anxiety disorder, this is one of the most real things I’ve ever seen on reality TV. Andrew is riding the edge of a panic attack during this scene. He admits that he “really embellished his resumé .” He has no experience. Captain Lee is seething quietly on the other side of the table. He says his first inclination is to throw his ass off the boat. But that would leave them shorthanded for the charter. Andrew gets a lack of integrity lecture from Captain Lee. Captain tells him that if he wants to stay he has to go tell the crew members and they will all be his boss from now on. Andrew tells the deckhands that he lied about his entire resume. He’s only done one charter. Eddie is hurt. He just sends him back to work. Eddie seems to want to fire him but the Captain has already given him a second chance. Kelley is going to give him the military treatment.
It’s raining a bit as the clients arrive. Kate says the clients are inelegant and showy and are going to want a lot of attention. One of the female guests orders an oddball drink that requires lavender which is not on hand. Kate tells Amy she is high maintenance and she already hates her before the ship leaves port. Kate’s a bitch. Kat and Ben have plenty of time to bitch about Andrew as Kat watches Ben cook. Kate offers the guests wine and is pissed when they order mojitos. Kate is so jealous of these women, particularly the wife of the primary client she is turning as green as a mojito. They have no mint even though it was on the provisions list so they substitute chervil (fancypants parsley) with some mint extract added. Oh I’m sure that will be lovely. How convenient that little Miss I Ain’t Making Mojitos All Week’s provisions arrived with no mint. She also said that only ” terrorists and assholes order mojitos.”
The weather sucks. The male guests want to dive so that will give them something to do in the rain. The underwater shots are amazing. Kate’s attitude is so not amazing. She really hates that she has to serve people who have the life she wants. In her talking heads she says that this is their one shot at luxury so they are milking it. Really? The husband owns a tech company your wretched little glorified waitress with an attitude. She talks about having to iron her “dirty Forever 21 skirt.” If anyone would know Forever 21’s clothing line, its Kate. She’s too bitter for this job. It’s not endearing. I miss Adrienne Gang. When we get to the port where she is I hope Captain Lee throws this bitch into the ocean with only her fake tits for flotation. Oh wait. No one has bought her any fake tits. Another reason she is bitter.
Andrew is getting the full shun from the crew. At lunch with the deckhands he says I guess the “bitch work” will be given to him. Jennice was not letting that slide. Eddie tries to explain how offensive that was and so Andrew and apologizes and says “I’m sorry, you are more of a man than I am at this job.” Oh Andrew. You really need to try to find an ally. Jennice walks off to avoid punching Andrew in the face. Eddie gives Andrew a lecture.
The guests notice that Kate is a giant cunt. Go figure. But they love Amy, the southern girl with the constant bless your heart smile. Amy is working with the same high demands as Kate is, only Amy is sweet girl from Alabama with some home training. In Amy’s talking head she talks about how she loves making the guests happy and giving them a total luxurious experience. The guests tell Kate in the nicest way, they’d like to see her smile more. That pisses her off even more.
The boys play poker and Amy brings them Cuban cigars for the game. The ladies want sex from Ben, I mean a cooking lesson from Ben. They want to get cooking with Ben. Ben seems fine with indulging them. I think the was fine with it because most of them have ginormous fake tits. So Ben rocks out with his conch out in the kitchen. His explanation of what a conch is, is rife with innuendo and probably single handedly upping the tip if the women have any say in what goes in the envelope, which the likely do not. Ben literally hand feeds the ladies conch salad and Kate loses her mind when she sees it. Oh Kate, go wash the clients’ thongs or something and make yourself useful.
Amy is so happy and it’s driving Kat crazy. Kate is a buzzkill. These guests are fun as hell. AND THERE IT IS! I called it. Kate says in her talking head that she is watching all of these “California augmented women in the Forever 21 clothing reliving their glory years.” I knew she was feeling tit inferior. She should have had he sugar mama buy her some maybe she would be having an anniversary cruise on a yacht in the Caribbean with her husband and her best friends living the high life. Alas, she is the chambermaid. I hope they puke and she has to clean it up. Bitter? Party of one, your table is ready.
Andrew is up at six a.m. cleaning up from the huge party the night before. Andrew is busting his ass. At least in his version. Kelley calls him away to admonish him and some insults were exchanged. Or maybe they were all from Kelley. It’s hard to tell. I get Captain Lee wanting Andrew to suffer but “making everyone his boss” might not have been the best idea.
On the way back in, Kelley gives Eddie an ultimatum. It’s Andrew or him. What’s with all the unprofessionalism this episode? It seems scripted and wrong. It’s tip time and everyone says that Andrew doesn’t deserve a penny. But Captain Lee doesn’t work that way. Besides, it’s KATE who doesn’t deserve a tip. Give hers to Amy.
Next Week: We find out how the tips were divided. I already know. Captain Lee made the rule upfront. He won’t change his mind. Some playboy bunnies (?) and their wealthy um, dates(?) are the guests. And Kate’s bitch face continues causing the guests to call her on it. So instead of the blanket shaped like an anchor she shapes it like a penis. Also Captain makes a decision about Andrew. But I don’t think he fires him. He IS the storyline right now.