And I am going to need someone to tell me who won the pressure challenge on Masterchef. Because without fail something happens on Mondays during Masterchef and I have two shows that tape at 9 and I miss the ending. Please tell me it was Lesley. Thanks.
Love the lobby furniture of this Bali resort. Currently Vicki, Tamra and Heather are sitting there allegedly waiting for the other girls. Tamra is wearing her sunglasses inside. Heather asked her why she is mad at her and she says because she never made fun of Lizzie’s dress. Seriously. Why is #BirthdayGate still a thing? Most women over 25 don’t even want to acknowledge their birthdays. Heather is dumbfounded because she said it privately to Tamra and Vicki and not in front of Lizzie. Tamra is accusing Heather of being a shit-stirrer. I am constantly amazed at how often Tamra accuses other people of things that she does ALL OF THE TIME! Tamra is apparently hungover and more bitchy that usual so this whole hiking with monkeys thing should go well.
Shannon, Lizzie and Pam are all dressed appropriately for the outing while Heather is sticking to her chic black and white elegance wardrobe and the Vicki and Tamra are dressed for a shopping trip. Apparently, half the girls were told to dress for a hike and the other half were told to dress for a visit to a temple. Oh production, you scoundrels you. They are all hoping they don’t have to see any poverty, because poor people are so depressing and poorly dressed.
First, they arrive at a temple where they are immediately given beautiful batik fabrics to cover their asses. Vicki and Tamra proceed to denigrate the entire experience by just being themselves. I honestly can’t grasp how Tamra can’t see the beauty she was surrounded by. It’s kind of heartbreaking to think of someone going through life like that.
I loved that they showed them shopping for souvenirs. They never show that. Is Vicki really the only one who knew how to barter? To counterbalance her slight edge in shopping, she does call all of the items for sale, crap. Time for the fish pedicure. I want to do this so badly. I think a lot of US places have outlawed the practice. Pity. The locals in shop got a huge laugh from this crew. And Tamra once again points out that it was a waste of time and money. Because, downer.
At the monkey fondling place, Heather turns out not to be so fancypants after all and she lets the nasty monkeys climb all over her. I do not want to do that. Shannon feeds a monkey too. Why is it necessary to let the monkey’s climb the length of your body for a banana? This is grossing me out. These are wild animals that you are letting crawl right up to your FACE!. I’m itchy just watching this. #fleas Vicki and Tamra run off, which is great because now the rest of the girls can enjoy the hike in peace. The scenery is amazing, monkeys and all. I would love all of it except the monkeys actually touching me. Remember when Dave Letterman would ask people, “Did you see or touch any monkeys?” I always ask people this when they return from trips. I’m mostly met with blank stares. I think it’s funny.
The ladies all get together by the pool. Heather was chastised by the hotel for strolling through the lobby in a bikini. Vicki and Shannon are chosen to be the recipients of every single treatment in the spa. Heather and Tamra go bike riding. It’s all about advertising every possible amenity at the resort. And I’m loving them all. Lizzie and Pam hang out in a private cabana.
When Vicki and Shannon hook back up with Lizzie and Pam at the cabana, they all tell her that Tamra is still trash talking Brooks. Vicki cries. Meanwhile Tamra and Heather are still biking around Bali. Heather says she didn’t come half way around the world to go to a spa. She wants to experience Bali! YAY! Heather gets it. That said, spas in foreign countries are kind of interesting. I went to one in Romania and it wasn’t particularly fun or relaxing but it was very odd. I can’t remember why. In the cabana the plan to confront Tamra has been hatched.
The male Balinese dancers were fascinating. At dinner, Vicki is seething and keeps looking a Tamra for signs of a human being. It seems she realizes that there is no sign of a compassionate being there at all. The champagne is taking forever and everyone needs a drink. There is an eerie silence lingering over the table with weird music dubbed in by Bravo. Shit’s about to go DOWN.
Out of nowhere, Heather gives Shannon a lovely and believably heartfelt apology. Shannon graciously accepts. It was a lovely moment. But Heather can’t just let it go. She has to continue on and say that Terry is very upset at David over #BullGate. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? That was months and months ago! Why bring it up now when things are going so well and the two of you have been civil and polite for a week? Shannon says David sometimes says inappropriate things when drinking.
Tamra keeps trying to get Vicki to tell her what is wrong. Tamra goes to the bathroom, (AKA gets called over to production to be set up) and Vicki tells Heather what is going on. When she comes back, Shannon very quietly asks Tamra why she says that she has green Martians living in her head and that she needs to be on medication. Tamra rocks back in her chair and says, “Well, that was taken out of contents (sic).” Tamra denies ever saying anything. She does not order food. She seems drunk. Vicki doesn’t back Shannon up. The others do. Tamra is lying straight to Shannon’s face. But then Lizzie informs Tamra that he memory sucks when she drinks. She never said Tamra’s husband wants to fuck her, she said marry. Tamra goes ballistic and starts screaming that Lizzie is a liar. There she goes again with that projecting. Pam suddenly has a voice and an opinion and Tamra responds to her with, “now I know why nobody likes you!” Um, who doesn’t like Pam? She’s very pretty and quiet and never gets in the gutter with anyone. That’s all anyone knows about her. Where is that comment coming from? Oh, right projection. Heather says that she and Terry both heard Lizzie say fuck. Back at the table, Lizzie tells Tamra she is crap and the most insecure person she has ever met and tells Tamra to get it together. This sent Tamra into a frenzy literally running and screaming through the resort says they will never see her face again and they are all liars. Fuck you guys!
Vicki has been amazingly calm. As soon as Tamra leaves she starts crying and Heather goes over to comfort her. Shannon tells Heather that Tamra told her that she and Heather were not that close and she was in her wedding but it wasn’t real. Of course not. Tamra just needed someone who was willing to stand next to her. Tamra also said that Heather is anorexic. Heather is now upset with Tamra too. But she goes to see Tamra to fact check. Tamra says that Lizzie is making up shit. But now she is talking about what Shannon said. Everyone is lying except Tamra.
Next week: Is the finale. Thank the baby Jesus.