I’m so excited for Real Housewives of New Jersey to be back! It’s clear from the title Bravo chose to exploit the legal woes of Teresa and Joe Giudice as much as possible. And frankly, I could not be happier. White collar felonies committed just for the pretense of social status are particularly vile to me and part of the punishment should be social shunning, in my opinion. If you missed any of the Giudice court proceedings, I’ve covered them all in detail here.
OMG I am mesmerized already. We begin with a montage of the news coverage of federal charges. Melissa and Joe are standing firmly behind Teresa. Melissa calls Teresea who answers her cell in the kitchen on speakerphone right in front of Gia. Melissa asks Tre if the stories are true. Teresa says, “N-N-No, what came out today is not true.” Gia has bags under her eyes from crying and looks devastated. Gia asks her mom what she is talking about. Teresa evades her questions. Gia says she knows what is going on. She is old enough to understand what is going on. Gia breaks down in sobs. Okay this is going to be bad. I hate seeing Gia cry. Teresa is clearly devastated.
The editing for this season is already over the top fantastic. They have totally spent the money on production this season with aerial views and such. You can tell they are sparing no expense on this season. And now, we flash back to three months before just like it is all movie!
And it is the hilarious scenes with Tre’s girls. Milania is bawking at doing homework so Tre calls in Gabriella to help. As Gabriella explains capitalization to Milania, Milania rolls her eyes and asks Tre if she can read a book while “she (Gabriella) is doing this.” Miliana my be an out of control brat, but she is a funny and adorable one.
Enter Dina. I can’t remember how I feel about her but I am not overly excited to see her. #TeamCaroline Dina asks about how Tre is doing and she says she is overcome with attorneys’ fees and she doesn’t have any money to put away for Gia’s college. Gia is 13 whatever will she do? Well Gia will probably get a job and pay her way through college and learn to be responsible with money. You don’t wait until a kid is 13 to set up a college fund. You open a 529 at birth and throw in as much as you can along the way and let it grow. You skip a pair of Louboutins every once in a while. When you steal millions of dollars you toss some of that onto the pile and hope the government can’t touch it. That is what you do, Tre. Clearly, you haven’t worried about Gia’s college for the last 13 years, and this is not the moment to start. Right now, paying your attorney is more important than Gia’s college fund. Get a grip.
Teresa just wants everything back to how it was, back when she was getting away with her felony fraud.
Dina is coping with divorce by collecting misfit pets. Bless her heart those are some fugly animals.
Melissa and Teresa take Milania and Victoria to gymnastics/cheerleading. In Melissa’s talking heads you can see various different points in her cosmetic procedures. But she looks great in every permeation. I thought she was pretty before. Melissa mentions her friend Amber to Teresa because Amber is hosting the first all in party of the season.
Amber is a bitch and Jim is her bitch. I’ve seen 20 seconds and I hate these two already. Amber has four kids. It seems as though the do try to teach their children manners despite being somewhat lacking in that capacity themselves. I shall not mention the dead pig that was just paraded in front of the children an plopped on the kitchen counter. Amber explains that she is an intellectual who graduated from Columbia and has a Masters in Exercise Physiology and Melissa was a whore who wanted to marry money. It seems like things turned out find for both of them. I’m going to have to be #TeamWhore this season. Who am I kidding, I am always #TeamWhore
Oh Joy, we are going to get to go to therapy with Dina this season. Dina still has not filed for divorce. She still lives with her husband and sleeping with him.
Milania is making breakfast. She’s actually doing a pretty good job of it. It’s a good thing she is self-sufficient. Let’s all drink every time Teresa complains about her attorney fees.
Teresa and Nicole, aka the twins, are hanging out with Amber having drinks. Teresa pronounces her name wrong. Her husband owns two Italian restaurants in Little Italy. I do not like change and new people. BRING BACK MY CAROLINE! Nicole is single after a 14 year marriage. Nicole says a woman only needs two things. Dunkin Donuts and oral sex. Nicole is an idiot. I don’t need either of those things. At all. Okay may once every ten years. I’ll take crème brulée and missionary with a hint of BDSM. Sorry, this part is boring and I am trying to keep my audience engaged.
I’m seriously bored with the new people scenes.
Dina and Tre are off to the harvest party. Dina asks if Tre is okay going to a party where everyone knows she has committed theft through white collar crimes. Her response is that so many people do it but because everyone knows who she is, she is in the spotlight. Poor Teresa.
Time for Amber’s “Harvest Party” was there an early snow in New Jersey or is it the dead of winter? Amber is upset with the friends that Nicole invited they seem to be a bit ill-bred. By the time Tre and Dina arrive the party is in full swing. When Tre walks in the tongues start wagging.
Amber is a cancer survivor. I am trying to be respectful, but I must point out that in Amber’s crying head, she said she didn’t know whether she would live to see her six-year old go to kindergarten. She had a six year old and a six month old and she made a mistake. This fabulous production team which is doing such a great job DELIBERATELY put that in the crying head. Shame on them. Her bald head pictures are beautiful. She’s reached the five year mark.
I suppose it is time to talk about Tre’s face. It is hugely bloated and looks awful. Is it crying? Drinking? Has she gained weight? I’m not sure what is happened. but it looks really big and puffy.
Amber asks why Melissa disappeared from her life. Amber said she had cancer and Melissa is all, “What cancer?” as if she didn’t hear in the last five years that one of her bridesmaids had cancer.
OMG DO NOT MISS THE :40 scene while zipping through the commercials it’s Tre, Milania and Dina. Miliania schools Tre on why she is the better housewife as she carefully serves Dina some food. She says “That’s just how I roll.” and “I am funnier than you.” and “I can do whatever I want and you can’t.” God get this kid her own show!
Back to Melissa not knowing about the breast cancer. Amber says Melissa sent her a Facebook message saying “If there is anything you can do for you let me know.” Sidenote: Amber walks like a man in a dress. Teresa’s husband is funny and out of place with all these boring people. I love him. And TwinTeresa says on the way out with him, “Where is my shawl, oh yeah, that little fucking kid took my shawl.” Um, TwinT, you are supposed to be BFF’s with Amber quit screwing up your lines!
Melissa tells Tre and Gina that she doesn’t like Amber implying that she knew she had cancer.
More Miliania! I need T.Kyle gifs ASAP! It’s time for the Giudice family portrait which will be sad because Joe’s dad is dead now. Milania is ranting, “I’ve got a big butt just like my mom!” “You are the worst hairdresser I’ve ever met!” (and people didn’t believe Tre was being a diva at the photo shoot for this interview. Kids mimic what they see. ) “I’m checking myself out!” #gangsigns #MileyCyrustongue This kid is stealing the show once again. She needs to be paid. It’s Joe’s grandmother’s 80th birthday. Oh, It’s dead Frank. #creepy. The family portrait is beautiful and sad. Joe is on the balcony making a toast. He is the first grandson. He’s teary-eyed. He sucking me in…there is dead Frank… oh my… Gia is sobbing. Gia is so pretty. Teresa just smile, smile, smiles. Emotional talking head by Joe Gorga. Jesus, my cold black heart is beating. Gia goes to her Daddy to tell him he did a great job with the toast. She breaks down crying. She tells him she “loves him so much.” Juicy cries. I have allergies. Gia cries. Everyone except Teresa is crying. Dead Frank, Gia, Tre and Juicy hug. And there it is. In Memoriam Frank Giudice 1950-2014. My allergies are really bad tonight. Dayum.
This season is going to be a rocky ride.