Time to check in with the Ladies of London! We get to go to Julie’s castle or whatever she lives in. This is the first time everyone will be together after the July 4th feud. Julie is worried about Juliet’s lack of decorum. Also Caroline is still pissy with Caprice for not being gracious about her offering her a baby shower. Annabelle is ever so used to going shooting in Mapperton. Noelle looks like she is making some sort of walk of shame to Mapperton. Caprice admits she feels like shit and is hormonal. Or short version, this is going to be awesome!
Tea and champagne at the croquet field? Um, I’ll skip the tea part of that. It seems like either a one or the other sort of thing to me. Only Annabelle was deemed fit to actually sleep at the manor. All the rest will be housed off property somewhere amongst the peasants.
The Americans travel together. Noelle is still pissed with Scot. The Brits, Annabelle and Caprice travel together. Caprice trashes Juliet and tells Annabelle she has laid into her on her behalf. Then Caprice trashes Caroline, who kindly offered to host a shower for her in her insanely expensive home.
In the TEAM AMERICA limo, Juliet jokes that she brought some crotchless panties and nipple tassles as a peace offering for the shrew that is Annabelle. They arrive to meet the fucking Earl of Sandwich, who is Julies father-in-law and Juliet immediately asks to “use the loo.” This is probably something she should have whispered to Julie rather than announcing to an elderly Earl. But frankly, Juliet is doing Julie a favor. May he will be shocked to death and that will expedite her rising in the aristocracy and get her moved into this gorgeous home.
Caroline arrives on her own with Luke, her make-up artist serving as her driver. He drops her off and disappears to his hotel. Caroline allies with the Americans right away and let’s them know she is unhappy with Caprice. Caroline doesn’t acknowledge Caprice at all. This is going well.
I had no idea that Caprice ASKED Caroline to throw her a shower.
Off they go to meet the Lady of Sandwich who gives them a garden tour. I’m in heaven. I want to be Marissa. Juliet needs to be told she can’t pick anything. The garden is fifteen acres. Um do they say acres in England?
Next they go skeet shooting. Caroline and Caprice are not shooting. Caprice because she is pregnant, Caroline because she doesn’t want to. Annabelle is a crack shot. Marissa did very well for a beginner. We are halfway in and no mention of McQueen yet.
Over cream tea and champagne and finger foods the dinner menu comes up. The protein is venison and Juliet refuses to “eat Bambi.” The Brits are appalled.
At dinner, all the ladies are a fashion don’t every last one of them. Okay, I just saw Annabelles LBD, it’s lovely. Especially, our national treasure, Juliet. Dear God where in the hell did she even find such a hideous dress. Then she requests that some “world-renowned cellist” place for them after dinner. This is why so many American travelers put a Canookian flag on their baggage and claim to be from Toronto.
The fucking Earl of Sandwich!! makes a toast!! Juliet make inappropriate conversation with the Lady of Sandwich asking her if she’s ever seen the Breakfast Club. My God. Noelle has a delicate situation when the appetizers arrive and it’s shellfish. She claims to be allergic because “it makes her throw up.” Um, Noelle, me thinks you just don’t like shellfish. Caprice is a vegetarian and make her requests with the RSVP so she got some kind of green soup. Now Noelle wants to ask for that. No dear, one doesn’t ask, if soup isn’t offered you sit there and sip your water with a smile on your stupid face. OMG!!! Noelle wanders into the kitchen asking for soup, and did she just ask for vodka? I could not understand her Madonna accent.
Caroline and Juliet fake a bathroom break to smoke a cigarette. As they leave together with THE FUCKING LADY OF SANDWICH guiding their way to the loo, Annabelle shoots Caroline an icy stare for cavorting with the stupid American bitch. Caprice is irritated too.
The next day, the smorgasbord of stereotypical British activities continues with croquet. What’s next a cricket match? A rousing rendition of God Save the McQueen? Oh, croquet was the :40 clip.
Noelle joins the smokers who are outside having a fag (not in the good way). This is in between appetizers and the main course!!! Who does this? Service is obviously delayed until they return. Then THE EARL AND LADY OF SANDWICH have the nerve to serve Juliet Bambi on a plate! Speaking of plates, the entire table is not nearly as grand as I would have expected. I am completely underwhelmed. Maybe you had to be there. So Caprice is not a vegetarian? She is offering to trade her veggie meal for Juliet’s venison. This is all so bizarre and uncouth and everyone at the table with any sort of etiquette is cringing. The meat is being passed up and down the table. I honestly don’t understand what is going on. Neither does Lady Sandwich who quickly retires.
Juilet who appears drunk, or possibly just mentally unstable grabs Annabelle for a showdown in the parlor. She calls Annabelle judgmental. And she is, but Jesus Christ on a cracker, Juliet, you deserve some judgment! Juliet looks dreadful and is likely drunk. Annabelle looks beautiful and is being extremely gentle with Juliet. Annabelle says it takes about five years for her to know someone, they hug it out.
Are they all leaving. Did they just call THE EARL OF SANDWICH, “John”?
Caprice doesn’t leave with the other women. Julie, Annabelle and Caprice dish on the conversation with Annabelle. Juliet chats up the other girls wherever they were banished to. It’s amazing how different the stories are. Caprice and Caroline discuss their issues with their allies. Caprice gets a way to stay over and go home with Annabelle and Julie.
Next week: More #BabyShowerGate and some sort of horse racing incident.
I love this show!