Well, it’s time for the much anticipated True Tori Reunion. Okay, I know you guys probably didn’t watch and I was up until the wee hours binge watching The Face (I picked the winner in the first episode, btw.) trying to take a little down time. Plus, at least one of you is relentless about the “midget housewives show” so I know what you were doing last night. I’m sorry. I have to draw the line somewhere and mini housewives is below the line. Please drop that campaign. I realize all too late that I should have drawn the line above True Tori as well But now, I shall suffer through the show, for you, my faithful readers. First of all, how is this a reunion? There are two adults on the show who are married and live together. Are they reuniting after hair and make-up? I’m already mocking this shit.
Tori says that things are getting better with her situation. But first, let’s replay a montage of all the angry crying and stupidity some of us actually watched on this season. This show only seems watchable late at night after half a box of wine. It’s actually a comedy in the harsh, sober light of day. All of these whisper conversations are hilarious.
Tori says that she didn’t have any other choice but to film the spectacle that is her marriage because the tabloids would not stop talking about her situation. Really? I had never even paid the least bit of attention to this hot mess until the show was publicized.
The mean people on Twitter say that Tori is getting a taste of her on medicine. Tori says she just accidentally found her soul mate. Well, honey, what if Molly Goodhand, or whoever thinks she has accidentally found her soul mate now.
Oh dear God. When asked why they chose to film this trainwreck in front of the kids, she says because she wants to preserve it for them to show them that they can get through tough times. She wants to sit down and talk with the kids about it later. I can see it now, “Hey Liam, bring the girls and lets have a family meeting where I show you film of your philandering suicidal father and how I got through it by crying and defending him on national TV without a modicum of dignity!” She wants to tell them about a happy ending. Plus, it was just two cameras and they are used to it, so it was fun for them. It doesn’t bother the kids. If they didn’t want cameras in their life she would stop it. Hmmm, I seem to remember a scene where Liam said over and over that he didn’t want to shoot the photo shoot scene and Tori gave him a cupcake or some sort of bribe to drag him on set. Tori says that she is proud of the woman she has become and she wants her kids to see that. Future psychiatrists everywhere check into private schools for their children as I type.
Tori says she is willing to ask Dean how many others there were. She says if there were more than she knows she should leave him. Oh, so we are back to square one.
Time for a one on one with Dean. He is asked why the hell he would go on TV and look like a ginormous douche and he says, “I needed money. I needed money really bad.” Oh wait, no he doesn’t he says he wanted to take responsibility for his actions. Then he says he hasn’t watched the shows. So they give him a montage of the bad acting. The host asks Dean if those reactions were as fake as they seemed. He said, “Oh course not, I’m not a good actor.” Oh wait, no, he doesn’t. He says it was all real, just like every “reality person” is required to insist.
Can Tori ever trust you again? Dean says well, all I can speak to is today. So today he plans to keep it in his pants. I think I thankfully missed some episodes. I don’t remember a lot of these scenes. Dean is blathering on like someone fresh out of rehab…one day at a time… stay out of my ego… blah, blah, blah..
Next up is their stupid friends. Which gives me a moment to add some images and tags to this post since I am watching On Demand and can’t fast forward through this stupidity. Still talking. This gives me time to put the tea kettle on. OMG. We are only halfway through this mess and Lifetime includes every single commercial on their On Demand shows. So I took a minute to moderate some comments. I accidentally allowed a post from TeamDufuss who wanted to tell me what they read on Perez Hilton about the housewives, so I had to go set a modification to send them to spam. And yet, I still have time left over. Sigh. So bored.
Oh, more sobbing montages. Tori’s most dramatic ugly cry scene. Tori says when in life do you get to see yourself hysterical. Oh, I dunno, when you live your lives with cameramen in your bedroom?
What about the rumor that Susie Gladhands doesn’t exisit? Tori doesn’t know who would fake this. The host points out that people have looked up Emily Goodhand online and there is nothing. Dean says they get their Internet history removed all the time. Um, not in this country, Dean. Not in this country.
Then there is a dramatic unveiling of Dean’s gigantic tattoo of their wedding vows down the left side of his body. Reminder, they are filming this in their house, where they live together. Dean has another huge surprise, right after this break! I hope it’s Heidi Handjob there to tell Tori that she’s sorry but she believes she and Dean are soulmates and they are getting married.
Dean installed surveillance cameras in his apartment in Canada so she could check on him while he was there. She says she didn’t use it. #TrueLove Still teasing Dean’s next big surprise. And Tori has a big question for Dean (about the number of women he’s cheated with.) But first, the crappy TV shrink talks to the host. People think this is all, fake Dr. what do you have to say about that? She says she was there from the very beginning so she knows it was real. Really, really real. So real. Stay tuned for Dean’s big surprise!
I could discover the cure for cancer during these commercials.
When we come back, Tori talks to the host and asks her not to ask Dean about the number of other women. She thinks that it is not the right time to do it.
Viewer questions! Also known as the questions the host does not want the blame for asking. Does Dean still think Tori is controlling? meh. who cares. Does Tori ever feel bad for breaking up his first marriage? Yeah, sorta but she doesn’t think she is to blame. The infidelity was on Dean. The questions are not brutal. They are lame.
And it ends with the big surprise! Dean sings a stupid song he wrote to Tori. He’s sorry forever. Is he supposed to be a singer? It’s not as bad as a Real Housewives song.
Edited to add Jeannie sent me a picture of the McDermott Family celebrating the “New Years.” Why doesn’t it surprise me they are the sort of folks who says “New Years” ?