Time for Real Housewives of Orange County! Let’s see how we bash Heather tonight. We start with Heather with her family in a staged holiday cooking scene. Only it is California, so instead of making divinity and fudge they seem to be sacking up granola or some shit. I dunno. Maybe it’s kale balls. I don’t know how the do in Beverly Hills. But I don’t even see a simple sugar cookie in sight. Meanwhile, Heather goes over chair gate with Terry to get us all caught up, right in front of the girls. Oh, Heather. I AM TRYING TO BE ON YOUR SIDE! Help me, help you! Heather likes Lizzie because she is smart.
Meanwhile, Vicki and Tamra go boot shopping because apparently people in California only have boots if someone invites them to a Hoe Down! Victoria, who goes by Vicki, seem to think that Elizabeth, who goes by Lizzie is using a childish name. I thought these two like it when people dumbed down the big words for them? Vicki and Shannon and Tamra don’t like Lizzie because she is smart.
Heather is super excited about the Hoe Down, and apparently it’s a bring your kids kind of event. Because, what would go wrong with that? Heather is sort of droning on about how great her life is. She has invited her rich celebrity neighbors. Lizzie points out that Heather has the best beach view lot on the hill. Tamra tells Lizzie to stand up to Vicki. Lizzie is confused since Vicki is her BFF. So am I. Line dancing breaks out and Lizzie obviously is great at it.
Shannon and Vicki are over an hour late. Heather begins the ceremony without them. Tamra is too jealous to even wish Heather’s family well in a note to bury into the foundation. Tamra does have a point about rich people burying weird shit I their foundations and walls. That said, she is supposed to be pretending to be rich and smart. She is not very good at pulling off either ruse.
The hoedown is in the middle of the day. Everyone is drinking shots. GREAT IDEA! For us. Shannon is pissed that David is doing shots with other women and not even introducing her. I’m gonna break my own rule and mention “something I read somewhere else” RULE THREE VIOLATION! But the fact is I can and you can’t. 🙂 According to the lovely ladies at Reality Tea, Shannon and David’s house is on the market for $13 million! Click here for the link! So are they divorcing due to reality TV like so often happens or are they trying to make a profit on their house because it’s been on TV? Time will tell but I am thinking it’s likely the former for them, and perhaps the latter for Yolanda and David. If I am right about Yolanda and David looking for a big payday on the house, it ain’t happening. There has been nary a nibble. I fear this season is going to be us watching the implosion of David and Shannon’s marriage. At the other end of the spectrum Heather and Terry are trying WAY TOO HARD to prove they are very, very happily married.
Clearly the script is Shannon was late. Vicki was late with her and that was never mentioned. The script for this season is Heather versus Shannon it seems. That’s a problem because Heather will be mentally sparring with an unarmed opponent and it will just end up making Heather look bad. Shannon is either drunk or pretending to be drunk. Shannon literally cries to Vicki. Shannon is a victim. Or broken. Heather whines to Tamra. Why? If that turquoise necklace Tamra is wearing is real, I WANT IT.
Chair Gate 2013 bitchiness ensues. I’m not interested.
Okay remember RHOM’s Karent? No, of course you don’t. I’m the only one that liked that show. But part of the reason that everyone hated Karent was she was the carrier pigeon for the show. Sort of like Cynthia does on RHOA. Well, it’ looks like this season Tamra is going to be the carrier pigeon with a big dose of shit stirring. This does not bode well for Tamra’s longevity on the franchise. Speaking of roles, Terry is the Peter of the show. Terry decides to fight Heather’s battles. Heather plays the “It’s my day!!!!” housewives card. Vicki is taking the “empty nester” storyline about 10 years too late.
During the bull riding, Heather doesn’t do well, possibly because she wore a dress. Heather swears the bull was faster for her. She had them jack up the speed when Tamra, the fittest person there got on in her jeans and boots. Tamra fell off hard and thinks she broke her arm. Bravo legal is immediately called. Heather immediately starts shifting the blame to the bull rider operator. She acts like she had nothing to do with it. Could it have been editing? Sure. Was it? Who knows. It all seems very scripted to me. Nothing broken, just bruised.
Heather had an amazing time at the Hoe Down. God it is hard to find anyone to root for on this show.
Next Week: More stupidity!
And on that note, I’m sure you have already, but I’d just like to take a second to appreciate those who gave their lives for our country today. Lest we forget, this is not a “happy” day, but a national day of mourning. Please pass the BBQ.
P.S. For those of you who only read at work, please read everything two or three times on Tuesday. It’s been a ghost town here without you!