As much as I like these ridiculous Bravo shows, they always seem to just drag on forever. For the first time in the history of Bravo, the Shahs finale seemed like a nice happy ending. All of the storylines were wrapped up. Everyone pretended to kiss and make up. That should have been the end.
But, no. We are still driving the hilariously stupid gold them into the ground with a reunion at a dinner table. Let’s see if some dumps a plate of tahdig on anyone in this episode.
Andy asks Reza what the hell he was thinking screaming the word faggot at people in a gay club. He says that the guy was talking about Iran like it was Club Med. Um, flashback to 80’s resorts with rampant STDs. Plus the guy was not doing that at all. He talked about missing his family and not being able to see them. Now MJ is joining in to defend Reza and both are saying that FOB is perfectly fine. As far as I am concerned it is perfectly fine if your intent is to insult someone, it’s as good an insult as any. What is not perfectly fine is the two of them acting as if it is a term of endearment. They are both delusional. Just say, “I didn’t like the guy, I called him an FOB, and it’s really not that big of a deal!” But no. That can never happen. Reza and MJ both just seem to try to look like assholes. Reza seems to get it after the tenth question that he needs to apologize and shut up.
Time to talk about the trip to Turkey. GG says it was significant to be there during such a major holiday. Andy broaches the subject of Reza and MJ’s rude reactions to seeing women in veils. Reza says if he was an American traveling with children and the kids saw that they would be scared. Good Lord. I was an American kid living in a Muslim country where women wore barrakans with only one eye showing. The only profound reaction I had was, “They must be hot.” Reza is an idiot who is afraid of other cultures and his own culture. I can’t comprehend being that stupid and unaware of the existence of other cultures.
Andy brings up the call to prayer at the ancient mosque. That was perhaps one of the most moving scenes in the entire trip. Mike apparently had flashbacks to be in his mother’s womb. I mean what is it with these men and their fears? I get divisiveness between the Arabs and the Jews. So walk over to McDonald’s and have a Big Mac until everyone is done. It’s not like you are in Tehran. You are in a European city, for fucksake. Equally idiotic is Asa not understanding the rules of a mosque. It doesn’t just apply to Turkish mosques, the rules are the same wherever the mosque is located. This just blows my mind.
Lilly is trying to point out that Iran is not an evil place. It is true that for the most part day to day life in Iran for most people is quite normal. Reza points out their hatred for gay and Jewish people. That is true. You really don’t want to live there if you fall into either of those categories. But then Lilly defends Iran by saying that the government will give gay people free sex changes. Because, Lilly.
MJ talks about her maternal instincts that came out unexpectedly around Asa’s family. Then they talk about her relationship with her mother. Then Andy says, “Oh BTW, your mom is here!” So it is time for him to deepen fractures in MJ’s relationship with her mother a bit more. Vida begins by criticizing the table setting and insisting that Reza’s nametag be moved. Andy asks about her feelings on the show and Vida says that MJ should not be tanning on naked on TV. Andy asks Vida what advice she would give Reza if she were his mother. She says to stop using the word bitch to refer to women. Reza must be uncomfortable sitting next to her because he has called Vida a bitch on the show more than once.
Even Lilly, who MJ hates is trying to get Vida to say something nice about MJ. This is heartbreakingly sad to watch. Vida says basically that she never planned to have kids, but now she has one, so whatever. I forgive all of MJ’s awful behaviors for infinity because she really got a bad hand in the mother department. Andy finally gets Vida to say something nice. But wow, too little too late.
Next, Andy asks them all their age and then basically calls them immature. Andy asks Mike what is taking so long for him to marry Jessica. Mike, who has been very emotional since the Turkey trip says, “I’m afraid.”
Mike is crying over his friendship with Reza. This reunion is just sad. I would rather see everyone fight than see them cry. Now Reza is crying. Mike apologizes to Reza they make up and hug it out. Now it is all a big lovefest. And I am emotionally spent.
Do you think Lilly will be back next season?