It’s 1830 and Madame Delphine LaLaurie has moved to New Orleans from Paris. She is complaining about the “shit-hole” surroundings and the lack of intellectual stimulation from the feeble minded that surround her. While preparing dinner she became mesmerized and in awe with the warm spraying blood from a decapitated chicken. Later she encountered an injured & bleeding slave in her attic, and he became her first victim of torture & bloodshed in her now infamous chamber of horrors. For some people music soothes the soul, but for Delphine its BLOOD. #Dexter
Because of the threat from witch hunters, Fiona & Marie rushed through Nan’s funeral which also doubled as a hat fashion show while Myrtle referred to Fiona as Pol Pot in Givenchy, the first of many madcap one liners. Only Myrtle seemed to care that Misty & her resurrection services were missing. Instead of Nan’s family being there, the funeral got crashed by Queenie as she led Delphine out of the car wearing a dog collar and leash. YES they’re both alive and in one piece because the lazy writers said so. #SuspendDisbelief
Fiona didn’t even bother to fake joy about Queenie’s return, but Marie hilariously opened her arms, “Git yo ass ovah here gurrl.” Delphine spits at Marie’s face for dismembering her who then slaps her so hard that she nearly lost her newly attached head, courtesy of Queenie’s #SuperGlue. Marie is ruthlessly comical in her contempt for Delphine, and watching Kathy Bates get dragged like a stubborn dog on a leash is not something we will ever see again. Did anyone notice her studded tiger sweatshirt was clean & blood free? These little details drive me crazy. #OCD
Harrison manages a police cover up about Hank’s identity & involvement with the salon’s deadly killing spree. With Delphi Trust financially wounded & under Federal investigation, he plans to pay off the Coven to reverse the spell for his misfortune, and then kill them with a double cross. How is this guy the head of witch hunters? Surely he knows that Fiona would sense his plan.
While Fiona is on the phone setting up the meeting with The Corporation, Delphine is back to her degrading life of servitude giving mani-pedis to both Fiona & Marie as they lounge with champagne. In a voiceover, Delphine recalls her youth as an unhappy loner child who began torturing animals out of curiosity & fascination. Though she was born into a prominent family, she surprised everyone when she married well and became known for her lavish high-society soirees.
Even though she is worried for Fiona’s soul for not wearing panties, Delphine resentfully washes everyone else’s filthy panties & threesome sex stained sheets and scrubs toilets that are unflushed by Madison, “You flush my shit bitch.” Delphine must have watched “The Help” because for her own amusement & revenge she prepared some poop soup instead of poop pie that Myrtle found so delicious that she exclaimed “Magnifique!” Warning: Only eat clear soup at the Coven. Oh wait never mind because even Fiona spits in the water. #Episode2
Delphine also has diaper duty for Ceci, the kidnapped baby that Marie has kept. Marie taunts her that she is going to dismember her again and spread her parts around the city, and then Marie gives a shout out to the New Orleans Saints by barking “Who dat!!” #ROFLMAO
After all of her daily torment she needs comfort. Delphine seizes the opportunity and chillaxes by tying up the Coven’s injured gardener upstairs in Spalding’s doll room of weirdness. Just like in her own attic of horrors she tortured and killed him because of her childlike curiosity “To see how her niggers ticked.” She rationalizes her penchant for cruelty as a fascination with body parts & organs; and once you go black you never go back because “the thick African blood satisfies her desire.” #DownWithTheSwirl
Spalding appears and he admires Delphine’s bloody work of art and fills her in that he is a murdered ghost. They share camaraderie in their scorn for the Black Devil Voodoo Queen living under their roof, and Delphine regrets her moment of vanity that led her to get cursed for eternity. Spalding promises to help her get un-cursed by killing Marie with magic. At this point I was starting to believe that Spalding had learned a trick or two over the years. He will share his magic if Delphine gets him one thing from the outside world, but it’s not cheap.
Delphine has stolen the silver from the Coven to buy a creepy antique Dream Baby doll for Spalding that he perversely drools over while sniffing the baby doll’s bottom. Really?? I hope this is not a hint of him being some pedophile too. I’m glad he’s dead. As promised in return he gave her the magic she needs to make Marie mortal again so Delphine can kill her; a familiar pink box with Benadryl. YASS that stuff is like dark magic to me too. He instructs her to lace her drink with them. Delphine attempts to pronounce the magic ingredient “Bena…” and Spalding stops her to warn “Never speak it aloud.”
Zoe learned the truth about Nan’s death in one minute with a spell. Madison didn’t care because she’s Madison while her jealousy over Zoe & Kyle is growing. She makes sexual advances on Kyle that he rebuffed because he’s in love with Zoe. Feeling rejected she manifests her anger with a telekinesis hissy fit, only to be admonished by Myrtle for being a bobble head with crotch-less panties. An indignant Madison vows revenge on everyone when she is Supreme.
Queenie is pissed off that her room was given away while she was gone. Cordelia is glad to have her back, but explains “You left us to go our sworn enemy.” Queenie is bitter that her witch hunting husband shot her in the stomach, and Cordelia expresses sorrow & regret for what has happened. Cordelia calls her a powerful & strong woman, and Queenie shares that she has got some new powers now; she can cough up silver bullets that she shoots through her own skull without any trauma. She was shot with a silver bullet in the stomach, but did not die. Does this mean she is a very strong witch? Maybe even the Supreme? Queenie calls Cordelia a weak ass useless witch and kicks her out. Feeling guilty, dejected & dispirited Cordelia gouges out her own eyes with garden shears in a desperate attempt to regain her second sight so that she can be worthy to the Coven.
A frantic Fiona races up the stairs to see her wounded daughter only to find a somber Auntie Myrtle keeping guard while wearing the most fabulous black & white outfit with a bright pop of yellow gloves. She calls Cordelia a hero for making such a sacrifice to protect the Coven. Myrtle dares Fiona to go see her daughter and risk all her filthy secrets to be exposed. It’s the first time I’ve noticed Fiona timidly retreat from anyone as she claims she needs a drink first to calm her nerves.
Myrtle gives Zoe a piece of jewelry as a gift and describes it in such a grand way that only Myrtle understands, but manages to get a dig in about Fiona being venomous and name drops Jackie O’s sister. She wants Zoe & Kyle to leave the Coven right away and gives her two tickets to Epcot and tells her to hock the jewelry for money. Zoe doesn’t want to leave prompting Myrtle to lament about a lover who dumped her and ended up marrying Diane Von Fürstenberg; the woman who created the greatest invention of the century, the wrap dress. She advises her to leave the Coven with Kyle or risk either Madison or Fiona killing her for selfish motives. Myrtle then slapped her for being unromantic and warned her not to ignore her words of wisdom. Nobody can dish out zany dialogue like Myrtle’s steady flow of elitist insanity, and I LOVE her for it. #CrayCray
The Axeman serenades Fiona with a jazzy melody and paints a picture of their future happiness living the domestic life on a farm. The well-traveled Fiona has been everywhere and done everything and hasn’t found happiness; but maybe sitting on a porch with a ghost drinking gin for eternity is her answer for happiness. But first they have to kill the rising Supreme, and he will give up his axe murdering ways. Fiona loves the idea but needs him to do her a favor first, sharpen the axe for one last play.
Fiona & Marie arrive for their meeting with The Corporation. They sashay in while Fiona name drops that they have plans with Emeril (Lagasse) later. Fiona requested a filthy martini and Marie wants some diet Sprite. #ProductPlacement. The identity of the waiter that served them is obscured but it is the Axeman. When one of the executive’s jokingly asks Fiona if she wants to check them for weapons, she laughs at him and reminds him that she is the Supreme & Marie is immortal.
The Corporation offered a 100 year truce and to repay Marie for her salon damages. Fiona rejects this, and toys with them by demanding that she wants his merry troupe of assholes to never harm another witch until the end of time, and she wants his house, and Marie wants a private jet. #YesLawd. They laughed at her offer so Fiona told them “You all can just DIE”, and on cue the Axeman pulled out his axe swinging & chopping up the directors; even using a severed arm that was still holding a gun to shoot one executive down. It was a bloodbath by the Axeman, but all Fiona did was throw around a guy or two with her telekinesis; simple as that.
Harrison was the last man still alive and standing as he complimented their plan, but he assured them it won’t put an end to the war between them. Fiona asks “Any last words?” He spits at her and replies “Go to hell witch bitch” and the Axeman tossed the axe to Fiona and she swung it right into his neck. Marie takes a picture of the bloody carnage with her smart phone, and the Axeman grins with pride “I love you more than jazz baby doll” to a beaming Fiona…. Did anyone else besides me expect Fiona to say, “Don’t fuck with me fellas” while sitting at that board room table?
Later that night at the Academy Fiona and Marie are toasting their friendship with a champagne cocktail, but Fiona cuts the celebration short to leave for a ‘thank you booty call’ with her ghost lover. Delphine has served Marie her Benadrylini, and then plunges a butcher’s knife through her chest. She calls her a stupid cow for thinking she can kill her as she pull out the embedded knife. “Your fate is sealed” as Delphine threw the magic pills at her. Marie moans “That ain’t magic! It’s a antihistamine!” She starts to chase Delphine, and then Spalding hits Marie over the head with a porcelain doll and she rolls down to the bottom of the stairs. Spalding advises her to bury Marie, because she can’t die. He confessed to tricking her into helping him getting rid of Marie. Spalding also wants to protect the Coven. Later upstairs Spalding settled into his doll room of weirdness as he dressed up baby Ceci in a matching nightgown & bonnet and said, “Finally, a living doll. All my own.” #FlowersInTheAttic
Zoe is trying to get Kyle to pack so they won’t miss the bus to Orlando, but he is refusing to go because he is scared of himself, and any danger he may be to Zoe & others. Zoe assures him she’s not scared of him. She repeats Myrtle words from earlier “More happy. Happy love” They are running through the bus station and they catch their bus on its way to Epcot, the happiest place on earth akaThe Magic Kingdom. The End.
I give up on wanting Coven to be sensible story. For the last two shows it is necessary to suspend disbelief because of the gaping plot holes, and I release all expectations of a tightly woven story and just accept it as a series of well written camp & horror vignettes with zany one liners mixed with dark comedy and fashion… I think Queenie is the next Supreme. Let’s discuss everything and anything AHS: Coven below. You can stalk me on twitter @Urethra_F