Time for Vanderpump Rules. Drinking Game Alert! Every time you hear the words “Stassi’s Birthday” or “My Birthday” drink until you are convinced that you gay boyfriend is having an affair with a woman.
Katie has stepped away from the table and Kristen goes out to console her. Then Stassi comes out to scream at her for crying at the table. Stassi is mad that Katie didn’t even order a drink, or an appetizer or and entrée!!!! She is so selfish. This is so stupid. Why do you people love this show so much!
Tom and Katie have a sit down conversation. Tom apologizes to Katie and they both drunkenly swear their undying love to each other like only two 19 year olds away from their parents for the first time, drunk on Boones Farm on spring break can do. Except they are pushing 30.
Meanwhile at SUR everyone is thrilled that the attention whores are gone. Things are running smoothly. Lisa is very impressed with Ariana who is holding down the bar by herself.
In Cabo, the bitches are all in the pool in various stages of nudity while the guys are at the bar drinking. Jax decides to go check on Stassi. He thinks they are “vibing” and things are good. Jax and Stassi have a conversation in the shallow end of the pool. Stassi is her usual bitch self. She convinces Jax to admit that he said that Tom and Ariana hooked up. Because? Why the hell is she bringing that up? Clearly, she wants more birthday drama.
Stassi says in her talking head that she knows this could send Kristen into a tailspin despite that, she heads straight to Kristen to destroy her soul. Kristen cries and Stassi’s mission is accomplished.
The next day there is some sort of booze cruise planned. Scheana heads to the boys’ room. Scheana asks Jax what he said to Stassi because it ruined the whole mood for the rest of the night. Jax lies and says he didn’t tell her anything. Scheana says, while right after you talked to her, Stassi started talking about Tom and Ariana.
Kristen pulls Jax aside and confronts him. Jax refuses to talk to her. Stassi overhears and says Jax doesn’t make the rules. Jax, Tom, Kristen and Stassi are all face to face. Jax is backpedaling as if his life depended on it. Scheana and Shay arrive, hear the conversation and slowly back away. LOL. Good plan.
Kristen and Tom have the TELL THE TRUTH! I AM TELLING THE TRUTH! fight for the billionth time.
Later, Katie, Kristina and Stassi are in the pool ordering bottles of Veuve Clicquot and food as if they are not paupers when Kristen comes over under a dark cloud of self pity and abject stupidity. Kristen declares that she is going to call Lisa about the Ariana situation. The girls tell her this is a bad idea but she does it anyway. She calls Lisa and tells her she doesn’t want Ariana to work at SUR anymore. She says if she does then she can’t work there anymore. Well, that is certainly and easy choice for Lisa. She should just tell her right there not to come back to work anymore. Kristen says she is going to move out when she gets back.
But first we have a booze cruise! Sadly ye olde pirate ship cannot actually sail because the waters are too rough. So the plan is to get wasted on a docked boat that is still rocking like crazy. I foresee puking. Lots of puking. Tom Sandoval is a sad pelican while the other couples cuddle. Scheana and Shay have a good relationship. Katie and Tom are back together for the moment. Stassi is literally running her panties up the flag pole. It’s all good! Until Jax arrives with a throng of bimbos and all the single bitches get their hackles up. Especially, Stassi. Jax leaves with the girls.
Lisa meets with her business partner and Ariana. Lisa asks Ariana if she is uncomfortable working with Kristen. Ariana says no. She doesn’t want to go anywhere.
Everyone is out for one last night out on the town. Jax shows up to the bar with three random girls and Stassi and Katie tell him to fuck off. Jax seems confused. Jax takes the girls back to the hotel hot tub. Scheana and Stassi bond over trashing Jax.
Peter takes a shot glass out of a random chick’s butt crack with his mouth and shoots it and my lady parts weep with despair and no longer find him attractive. Just like that. /sigh
Kristen was having fun. So Katie decides to remind her that she is breaking up with her boyfriend of five years and should be miserable. #ThatsWhatFriendsAreFor The next morning, Kristen is missing from the girls room and is found later in Tom’s bed. DAMMIT! This ruins all the scheming that Stassi and Katie have done to break them up!
Next week: Scheana gets engaged.