We all know by now that the “storylines” on this show are a steaming pile of horse shit. However, the reason it is still worth watching is that despite the lies coming out of their mouths, the people who gravitate to these sorts of shows can’t help but let their true colors show eventually. So time to fire up my DVR and watch! If you missed the first episode last week, you didn’t miss much and can easily catch up here.
Looks like Taylor is going to flip out tonight and Farrah is going to talk about her porn career that is not a porn career. Dr. Jenn says Farrah’s “boyfriend” has not arrived despite her attempts to offer him another $15,000 to show up reach him. Meanwhile, Brian not showing up to play the role of Farrah’s boyfriend turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to Farrah because now she has the top fake storyline. Angling to take that position away from her is Farrah who chats with her in the kitchen.
This is one of the most hysterical scenes in the history of reality TV. On the one hand we have Farrah who has been coached to ask Taylor about her divorce. On the other hand we have Taylor who is keen to talk about finding her husband hanging and how she is technically a widow. They may as well be talking about Kroger being out of milk before a winter advisory. I mean, don’t you just hate when THAT happens. Neither one makes any eye contact with the other. Farrah has no response at all to the horrific declaration Taylor makes other than to compliment Taylor’s plastic surgeon. Then says, “Alright well, I’m tired” and walks away. I am not making this up.
In Taylor’s talking head she says Farrah maybe the most self-absorbed human being she has ever met. That’s a pretty big allegation considering all of her castmates from RHOBH that she has met, plus that whole looking in the mirror thing.
It’s time for the first group therapy session. Dr. Jenn asks them, “What were your lowest relationship moments? ”
We start with the Grand Poobah of all the lowest relationship moments, Taylor Armstrong finding her husband hanging from the rafters. Dr. Jenn wants to know about the evolution of the relationship. Taylor, not knowing what the word evolution means, just starts crying and talking about how Russell would make fun of the way she laughs or talks. Her lips are so distracting it is hard to take anything she says seriously.
Next up is Whitney and Sada. Whitney tries to talk first and seems worried she is going to piss off Sada. Sada sharply says, say whatever you want. Whitney seems very upset. She says that Sada is very intense. They got into an argument over Sada thinking that Whitney was talking to another girl. Whitney says Sada kept on with the argument after Whitney had hit her rage wall and she was afraid she was going to put Sada in the hospital. Both girls are crying. Sada says she felt like Whitney was dismissing her and calling her insane.
Farrah tells the story of her daughter’s father passing away in a car accident when they were very young. Farrah says that she found out she was pregnant and needed her mom to sign a form so she could bet Plan B which would “take it away and everything would be
fine.” Well, that’s a lie. You take Plan B within 72 hours after unprotected sex. Not after you find out you are pregnant. She also said that she and her boyfriend had the best relationship ever, which is also not true. His family hated her BEFORE the car accident for a reason. Anyway, she said her mom would not give her permission to use Plan B because she was Christian and could not kill another living thing. Look. I am going to stop saying that’s a lie after everything she says. Just know it is implied. And now the fake tears. She is the worst fake crier EVER. Dr. Jenn KNOWS how Plan B works. She is just playing along for the show. Dr. Jenn says that it is sad that her mom didn’t sit down with her and tell her she was on her side and help her.
Dr. Jenn moves on to Ghostface and Kelsey and asks them who wants to go first. I was totally expecting it to be Kelsey. But Ghostface jumps in with a story about his first girlfriend who cheated on him so now he is guarded with females. Kelsey said her baby’s father (that was bleeped but you could tell) was abusive. She got in a huge fight one night and moved out. Kelsey became a stripper for a while.
After the first group session, Sada and Whitney are uncomfortable around each other. Sada does not want to talk about group. Whitney wants some bonding time.
Ghostface is pissed off. He had no idea that Kelsey was a stripper much earlier in her life. He doesn’t date strippers! Kelsey thinks he is being hypocritical. Ghostface says she “put him on blast” and “dropped a grenade.” He is worried about his *cough* reputation. Ghostface says he wasn’t about settling down anyway.
Later, Dr. Jenn meets with Ghostface and Kelsey. Ghost says he felt kinda funny hearing that. He has a certain way he carries himself and he doesn’t date strippers. He feels blindsided. Dr. Jenn tries to explain the difference between “loving women” and “loving to fuck women.” Ghost seems confused. Ghost says that now he is the joke. He is the one who has to stand next to her and now he looks bad. It’s all about him. Really Ghost? Nothing about this chick said “stripper” to you? Because I didn’t know who she was and just assumed she was a stripper the moment I saw her. After talking with Dr. Jenn, Ghost says in a talking head that the chances of him and Kelsey are slim as a cigarette. Which is frankly better odds than I had on them in the first episode.
Farrah is sitting at the table with Whitney and Sada. I probably don’t need to point this out but no one seems to care for Farrah. I feel like production makes them all draws straws and the short straw has to scene with her. Farrah asks them what they do. Sada says they run a business together and Sada is a hairdresser at a salon. They ask her what she does and she says, “Well, I do, just, I dunno, I guess I am like a TV personality. and well I am an author and luckily my first book was a New York Times Best Seller…” She is working on her next trilogy of erotic sex novels and she is also writing a Christian parenting book.
THE LOOKS ON THEIR FACES IS HYSTERICAL. I know they want to say something like, ” Good for you, I know that all Christian mothers would love some advice from a girl with an anal porn out, and a mold of her vagina for sale and a trilogy of erotic sex novels. Jesus must love you so much.” But after a moment of stunned silence, Whitney is able to say, “That’s a very broad spectrum.”
Sada and Whitney both discuss Farrah her talking heads. Mostly they are just mystified by her fakeness.
Dr. Jenn has a one on one with Farrah about her fake relationship with Brian. But first, Dr. Jenn wants her to talk about the porn guy. Farrah is giving the story about how it was a private porn tape with her and a boyfriend. We all heard about the casting for the role and her shopping it advance to various porn sites. The securing the crew and lighting…. the whole nine yards that occurs when one is making a porn tape. But Dr. Jenn, again plays along as is she as read nothing on her before her arrival. Farrah says that she never thought about the money of a tape. She didn’t want to be on TV anymore. Once again proving that there is not God, lightning does not strike. The whole scene was ridiculous.
Everyone goes out to a bowling alley and drinks and has a good time. The girls are all slamming back shots and bowling their hearts out. Taylor is drunk off her ass. Then they go to dinner at decent looking place and while everyone is placing their drink orders, because clearly more alcohol is needed, Farrah wants to put her food order in before everyone else’s. Everyone seems perplexed by this. Taylor says the one thing that she has learned is manners and Farrah doesn’t have them. I’m just gonna let that sit out there. So everyone is pissed and Whitney brings up the erotic literature trilogy and Christian parenting book situation. I am not sure they even know about the ass porn yet. Still they are bemused by Farrah.
On the van ride back, Farrah sits on one side, and everyone else sits on the other. It’s just like a junior high bus freeze out. Well except for Taylor who kind of flops like a dying big mouth bass from seat to seat. When they get back Farrah says good night before everyone is even in the door and Taylor’s John wants to smoke a cigarette. In California. Which may not even be a possible thing. Supposedly, in San Francisco these days you can’t even burn wood in a fireplace any more in order to “save the air.” Let’s see how this goes.
Somehow John is able to pull off the cigarette without a SWAT team of environmentalists arriving, yet Taylor disturbs his smoke. Apparently, the heat came on in her bedroom while she was trying to sleep. This deeply disturbs Taylor’s delicate sensibilities. She throws a raging, drunken fit. In a talking head, it appears was made during a more sober time, she says she has been there for three days. The food sucks, the room sucks. the whole place is just not up to her standards. John is extremely rude to the woman he is asking to fix the heat situation. Taylor is screaming about lawsuits and substandard living conditions. Taylor also goes in on the poor woman who is only trying to help the situation. Taylor screams about her agent and how she is leaving in two seconds. Taylor is screaming in a very threatening way. If I were that woman I would call the cops on her.
Next week John and Liz arrive. Is it to replace Taylor and John? We shall see. I do know from an article I posted about here recently but cannot find, that John swears they were called very last minute for the show.
i think jon and ? were to replace taylor and john. either they quit or are asked to leave. until i saw john reaming out the employee for the heat, i was wondering what a seemingly shy and retiring guy like him was doing with a drunken asshole like taylor. after watching her behavior, guess who i think the next farrah abraham will be? kenadi armstrong.
also, who does ghostface think is going to want to be in a relationship with him? the church lady? he better be thanking his lucky stars he got kelsey.
I love how Farrah’s relationship low is when her mother wouldn’t let her abort her baby. NICE.
In interviews lately she’s been stating that her deceased boyfriend was the love of her life and she’ll never find another perfect relationship like that, but as you stated Tamara, they were broken up for months when he died, he found out from others that she was pregnant, there were doubts that he was the father, and she never even spoke to him during the filming of 16 & Pregnant. He didn’t just die in the middle of their blissful relationship.
And Taylor makes out like her abusive ex is why she’s a trembling jumpy mouse when her new boyfriend comes around the corner, yet on bowling night it is CLEAR that she’s a terror to live with. I never would have thought that Taylor could make Farrah seem sane and sensible.
YEP! i remember her 16 and pregnant episode where he called her at work begging to see her and she would just be like “nope, by.” and listen, if my 15-16 year old daughter came to me and told me she was pregnant and here is the abortion form, sign and it will just “go away,” my first reaction would definitely NOT be are you scared? what can we do that’s best for you? maybe once i’m done screaming and yelling, a few days later. but i also would not encourage getting rid of it. i get that therapy is supposed to bring these things out and talk about it, but she should never have said that on tv. poor sophia.
In the early years I really felt bad for Farrah, her mother seemed so horrible. But as time went by you saw what a wretch FARRAH is. I don’t even feel bad for her father anymore, the whole family needs help. Sophia is doomed.
I am SO HAPPY to read that someone else remembers that, too!! She HATED him during 16 and pregnant…….. I just wish someone else would point that out to her. She is so full of sh*t…
*fetus
fixed that for you. As much as I hate Farrah her mom definitely should’ve signed the abortion papers.
One thing that’s killing me this season is there’s something Farrah has said twice. She has said she thinks her family is using her for $$. During teen mom and 16&P there was always a ton of fighting with her parents, but she seems a TAD closer to Micheal (my head goes to an episode where she and her sis humiliated their mom at a restaurant), Anyway, we all know Micheal and Sophia were with her at Vivid, and Micheal moved near her in Texas. I bet she uses this platform to use and abuse her mother again. Dr Jenn would have a little more credibility if she called out some of the things we’ve seen, or allow other people in Group to do so. If you’re in group therapy, since it isn’t individual, can’t you add 2 cents? I’d be calling her and Taylor out like a MoFo.
TT, I absolutely LOVE reading your recaps!!! I tweeted you last night about it. You are always so great about answering tweets, which puts you a head above the rest. I have a different name on twitter….
Regarding Couples Therapy…. I think Farrah is just gross and after seeing Taylor last night, she clearly still has a drinking problem. I almost, kinda, sorta, a little liked her during her last season when she was calling people out left and right. But, seeing her last night made me realize (in my opinion) she is still using the tragic death of her husband to her benefit. Now, I haven’t ever been abused. But, I have to admit, I never really 100% believed she was abused…. And then when she constantly threw his name under the bus after he was dead I personally thought was uncalled for. After the way she spoke to the workers at that house, I will be surprised if they aren’t asked to leave.
And I could go on and on regarding my opinion about Farrah. But what it comes down to is that she is a famewhore who screwed a guy on tv for money and tried to pay a guy to pretend to be her boyfriend, but yet this show is allowing this to go on? The only time I ever saw her called out is when she was on Dr. Phil and she HATED that…it was awesome!!
Let’s talk about Kelsey’s hair. How the heck does she do that???
I am OBSESSED with her hair. I hear “blah blah stripper blah blah” and all I can think is HOW does she DO that?? Even if it’s fake? HOW? It’s so perfect! I think it’s awesome.
lol was just gonna post:
on a superficial note, i love kelsey’s hair
but then u guys beat me to it
I’ve been trying to figure out that hair as well. In the first episode she said something about being worried it would fall or something and I just can’t figure out if that is a weave how is it holding on? Micro braids, glueed in tracks…..I’m so confused! Ugh!
Oh and that comment Ms. Tamara made about the laws of stuff in California _ Honey you ain’t never lied! I’m waiting for them to throw new ones at us any day now! We’re on day 25 ( I think it is) of Spare-the -Air so no one is allowed to burn a damn thing. Only if you don’t have any other source of heat in your home can you light a fire place and supposedly the local police have to give an ok for you to do that. You can’t smoke in most public places and now where I live you aren’t even allowed to smoke in your apartment or within 25 feet of the building. So where does that leave you? standing in the middle of the damn street.
Come to Georgia! We (mostly) don’t give a fuck about the air! 🙂
LOL
I think “plan B”, in this particular case, is code for abortion.
I would so be owning that ass porn thing. Just saying… how does one go about accidentally making porn anyway? I’ve made lots of porn but I have always known.
omg, that’s LOL hilarious, Isabella. This Farrah character just keeps digging herself deeper in the hole(s) by insulting the intelligence of even the least intelligent viewer!
HaHa, I love me some JoJo! But seriously, how do you ACCIDENTALLY make ass porn??? Have I been doing it wrong all these years? Why am I not famous and on a tv show somewhere?
As a virgin in the porn planning arena, I’d say the mistake you’re making is in the casting, cameras, and pre-arranging the marketing 🙂
Uuuugghhhh I can’t stand Farrah. No one holds her accountable for her actions and lies. She is beyond delusional and anytime someone tries to remind her that no one believes her lies( dr. Phil, Bethanny) she says they are jealous and rude to her. Does she really think people believe her lies. And for being 22 she has had way to much work done on her face.
And good lord Taylor. She was a hot mess last night. She still seems to be having a drinking problem.
What reputation does ghost face have exactly. He’s a rapper. I was not aware that it was frowned upon when rappers dated strippers. This is news to me lol
I hate the fake storylines but I love watching this train wreck
Whit helped make a mold of a penis once in a surprise effort to help another lesbian couple on their show get pregnant. So she probably really wanted to laugh about the vagina mold.
I still haven’t gotten to watch last week’s epi but hope to have a marathon eventually.
OMG taylor and john were acting like such assholes!
This episode was hard to watch.
I rarely have a visceral rage for any celebrity. There are many who annoy me but very few that I actually hate because I just don’t care that much. But I literally hate Farrah. She disgusts me in every way. I feel more stupid for hearing her delusional vomit. My only solace is that nobody buys her bullshit and she probably has 0 friends and irritates everyone around her. Watching Dr. Jen just sit there is so fucking annoying though. Call her out! I’ve lost so much respect for Dr. Jen so far this season, though my opinion of Dr. Jen was never that high to begin with. Why hasn’t James Deen (the porn star who allegedly was her boyfriend but who actually wasn’t) said anything about this and called her out? I’d own her ass. But I guess he doesn’t really care because he’s successful and has some money, who cares what this obnoxious tart has to say about him.
I can’t wait to see what happens with Ghost and Kelsey. Ghost seems really dumb, he can barely string a sentence together. It’s clear they were a fling and that’s why Kelsey has no clue he’s still married or has another serious gf or whatever. I feel bad for her, she seems sweet.
Why was everyone having so much fun in the bowling alley? Everytime I’ve been bowling it hasn’t been yelling and screaming jump up and down fun.
I have a friend kind of like Taylor with alcohol. Unlike Taylor she’s adorable and nice when sober, but she also lost a lot of weight after we graduated high school so to maintain she eats like 1 salad a day. The problem with that is then when she gets drunk she acts extremely erratic and basically insane. I think that’s what happens with Taylor, she’s so hungry! And 2 drinks gets her blasted.
Also meant to comment on the Plan B thing. What an idiot. That may have been the thing that annoyed me the most. Just say the abortion pill, the abortion pill is not Plan B.