We all know by now that the “storylines” on this show are a steaming pile of horse shit. However, the reason it is still worth watching is that despite the lies coming out of their mouths, the people who gravitate to these sorts of shows can’t help but let their true colors show eventually. So time to fire up my DVR and watch! If you missed the first episode last week, you didn’t miss much and can easily catch up here.
Looks like Taylor is going to flip out tonight and Farrah is going to talk about her porn career that is not a porn career. Dr. Jenn says Farrah’s “boyfriend” has not arrived despite her attempts
to offer him another $15,000 to show up reach him. Meanwhile, Brian not showing up to play the role of Farrah’s boyfriend turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to Farrah because now she has the top fake storyline. Angling to take that position away from her is Farrah who chats with her in the kitchen.
This is one of the most hysterical scenes in the history of reality TV. On the one hand we have Farrah who has been coached to ask Taylor about her divorce. On the other hand we have Taylor who is keen to talk about finding her husband hanging and how she is technically a widow. They may as well be talking about Kroger being out of milk before a winter advisory. I mean, don’t you just hate when THAT happens. Neither one makes any eye contact with the other. Farrah has no response at all to the horrific declaration Taylor makes other than to compliment Taylor’s plastic surgeon. Then says, “Alright well, I’m tired” and walks away. I am not making this up.
In Taylor’s talking head she says Farrah maybe the most self-absorbed human being she has ever met. That’s a pretty big allegation considering all of her castmates from RHOBH that she has met, plus that whole looking in the mirror thing.
It’s time for the first group therapy session. Dr. Jenn asks them, “What were your lowest relationship moments? ”
We start with the Grand Poobah of all the lowest relationship moments, Taylor Armstrong finding her husband hanging from the rafters. Dr. Jenn wants to know about the evolution of the relationship. Taylor, not knowing what the word evolution means, just starts crying and talking about how Russell would make fun of the way she laughs or talks. Her lips are so distracting it is hard to take anything she says seriously.
Next up is Whitney and Sada. Whitney tries to talk first and seems worried she is going to piss off Sada. Sada sharply says, say whatever you want. Whitney seems very upset. She says that Sada is very intense. They got into an argument over Sada thinking that Whitney was talking to another girl. Whitney says Sada kept on with the argument after Whitney had hit her rage wall and she was afraid she was going to put Sada in the hospital. Both girls are crying. Sada says she felt like Whitney was dismissing her and calling her insane.
Farrah tells the story of her daughter’s father passing away in a car accident when they were very young. Farrah says that she found out she was pregnant and needed her mom to sign a form so she could bet Plan B which would “take it away and everything would be
fine.” Well, that’s a lie. You take Plan B within 72 hours after unprotected sex. Not after you find out you are pregnant. She also said that she and her boyfriend had the best relationship ever, which is also not true. His family hated her BEFORE the car accident for a reason. Anyway, she said her mom would not give her permission to use Plan B because she was Christian and could not kill another living thing. Look. I am going to stop saying that’s a lie after everything she says. Just know it is implied. And now the fake tears. She is the worst fake crier EVER. Dr. Jenn KNOWS how Plan B works. She is just playing along for the show. Dr. Jenn says that it is sad that her mom didn’t sit down with her and tell her she was on her side and help her.
Dr. Jenn moves on to Ghostface and Kelsey and asks them who wants to go first. I was totally expecting it to be Kelsey. But Ghostface jumps in with a story about his first girlfriend who cheated on him so now he is guarded with females. Kelsey said her baby’s father (that was bleeped but you could tell) was abusive. She got in a huge fight one night and moved out. Kelsey became a stripper for a while.
After the first group session, Sada and Whitney are uncomfortable around each other. Sada does not want to talk about group. Whitney wants some bonding time.
Ghostface is pissed off. He had no idea that Kelsey was a stripper much earlier in her life. He doesn’t date strippers! Kelsey thinks he is being hypocritical. Ghostface says she “put him on blast” and “dropped a grenade.” He is worried about his *cough* reputation. Ghostface says he wasn’t about settling down anyway.
Later, Dr. Jenn meets with Ghostface and Kelsey. Ghost says he felt kinda funny hearing that. He has a certain way he carries himself and he doesn’t date strippers. He feels blindsided. Dr. Jenn tries to explain the difference between “loving women” and “loving to fuck women.” Ghost seems confused. Ghost says that now he is the joke. He is the one who has to stand next to her and now he looks bad. It’s all about him. Really Ghost? Nothing about this chick said “stripper” to you? Because I didn’t know who she was and just assumed she was a stripper the moment I saw her. After talking with Dr. Jenn, Ghost says in a talking head that the chances of him and Kelsey are slim as a cigarette. Which is frankly better odds than I had on them in the first episode.
Farrah is sitting at the table with Whitney and Sada. I probably don’t need to point this out but no one seems to care for Farrah. I feel like production makes them all draws straws and the short straw has to scene with her. Farrah asks them what they do. Sada says they run a business together and Sada is a hairdresser at a salon. They ask her what she does and she says, “Well, I do, just, I dunno, I guess I am like a TV personality. and well I am an author and luckily my first book was a New York Times Best Seller…” She is working on her next trilogy of erotic sex novels and she is also writing a Christian parenting book.
THE LOOKS ON THEIR FACES IS HYSTERICAL. I know they want to say something like, ” Good for you, I know that all Christian mothers would love some advice from a girl with an anal porn out, and a mold of her vagina for sale and a trilogy of erotic sex novels. Jesus must love you so much.” But after a moment of stunned silence, Whitney is able to say, “That’s a very broad spectrum.”
Sada and Whitney both discuss Farrah her talking heads. Mostly they are just mystified by her fakeness.
Dr. Jenn has a one on one with Farrah about her fake relationship with Brian. But first, Dr. Jenn wants her to talk about the porn guy. Farrah is giving the story about how it was a private porn tape with her and a boyfriend. We all heard about the casting for the role and her shopping it advance to various porn sites. The securing the crew and lighting…. the whole nine yards that occurs when one is making a porn tape. But Dr. Jenn, again plays along as is she as read nothing on her before her arrival. Farrah says that she never thought about the money of a tape. She didn’t want to be on TV anymore. Once again proving that there is not God, lightning does not strike. The whole scene was ridiculous.
Everyone goes out to a bowling alley and drinks and has a good time. The girls are all slamming back shots and bowling their hearts out. Taylor is drunk off her ass. Then they go to dinner at decent looking place and while everyone is placing their drink orders, because clearly more alcohol is needed, Farrah wants to put her food order in before everyone else’s. Everyone seems perplexed by this. Taylor says the one thing that she has learned is manners and Farrah doesn’t have them. I’m just gonna let that sit out there. So everyone is pissed and Whitney brings up the erotic literature trilogy and Christian parenting book situation. I am not sure they even know about the ass porn yet. Still they are bemused by Farrah.
On the van ride back, Farrah sits on one side, and everyone else sits on the other. It’s just like a junior high bus freeze out. Well except for Taylor who kind of flops like a dying big mouth bass from seat to seat. When they get back Farrah says good night before everyone is even in the door and Taylor’s John wants to smoke a cigarette. In California. Which may not even be a possible thing. Supposedly, in San Francisco these days you can’t even burn wood in a fireplace any more in order to “save the air.” Let’s see how this goes.
Somehow John is able to pull off the cigarette without a SWAT team of environmentalists arriving, yet Taylor disturbs his smoke. Apparently, the heat came on in her bedroom while she was trying to sleep. This deeply disturbs Taylor’s delicate sensibilities. She throws a raging, drunken fit. In a talking head, it appears was made during a more sober time, she says she has been there for three days. The food sucks, the room sucks. the whole place is just not up to her standards. John is extremely rude to the woman he is asking to fix the heat situation. Taylor is screaming about lawsuits and substandard living conditions. Taylor also goes in on the poor woman who is only trying to help the situation. Taylor screams about her agent and how she is leaving in two seconds. Taylor is screaming in a very threatening way. If I were that woman I would call the cops on her.
Next week John and Liz arrive. Is it to replace Taylor and John? We shall see. I do know from an article I posted about here recently but cannot find, that John swears they were called very last minute for the show.