So this may be one of my worst ideas EVER. I’ve been sharing my struggles with depression with a small group of friends for years. Which is why they have recently taken over my treatment plan. They have recently selected and paid for a new group of mental health professionals. Because, frankly, the ones I picked SUCKED. Also, amazing as it may seem, my friends are well-educated people with good jobs who for whatever reason like me.
I am going to share a few of my posts in our tight little group. Knowing that shitheads everywhere, the kinds who wonder why I have a donate button, will go over the edge. I have known all of these people for a decade and they are trying to save my life.
It’s also okay to LOL at these entries. I try to find the humor in going crazy. In these scenes, I talk to my shrink who was very old and had to quit me for health reasons. I shamelessly suggest he is in fact dead. He is Freud, and I am ‘nilla or the patient. (pt) I am writing both parts. Banjo is in fact my dog, we call therapy dog. He doesn’t write anything either because he is a dog.
May12 2012 Entry.
Freud: Well?
Pt: What? Is the lack of sessions with me slowing down the new addition on your room in the old folks home or something?
Freud: You are rather contrary lately. What’s troubling you?
Pt: What’s troubling me? Im nuttier than a fruitcake Freud, I don’t need to have something troubling me. That is the whole point of being crazy… oh shit the Jehovah Witnesses are loose in the neighborhood..I need to put my “Please do not Disturb I am sacrificing a pig in the name of Satan sign on my door.
Stop writing that down, Freud. These are the jokes. Well the Jehovah Witnesses ARE wandering the neighborhood in their black and white outfits. Today they have black backpacks. That is sort of new. Sure the could be Jehovah Witness with backpacks full of religious tracts or they could be a brand new type of terrorists on a suicide bomb mission. The world is a scary place, Freud.
I said stop writing that down.
Freud: So today you are feeling afraid?
Pt: No Freud. Today I am feeling. BLAH. Most days I feel BLAH. Intertwined with annoyance. And with an element of shut the fuck up. But not afraid, Freud. Not today.
Freud: So were there any events this week to discuss?
Pt: We could talk about grocery stores. We got this big fancypants grocery store in the ghetto and it’s almost as big as super Walmart but it doesn’t have enough doors.
Freud: What is the required number of doors for a grocery store?
Pt. I’d say for one of this size I require at least three but six would be better. I believe Walmart has three. The one on the food end, the one into and more importantly out of the crap section and the one through the home and garden section. The Kroger only has one. It opens into a foyer crammed with carts and ugly flowers and stacks of cases of cheap bottled water in those bottles that they now make so paper thin that they pop if you look at them wrong. And the clientele is heavy on the Wal*Mart shopper end of the spectrum. Old people with walkers in a group like a short bus has let them out for a field trip. Entire meth families in jean shorts with saggy crotches…and..
Freud: I thought you liked the new store. Don’t they have lots of organic stuff that you think is going to make you sane?
Pt: You asked about an event Freud. This is my event. Let me tell you about my event. You may write this down if you need to. Where was I oh yeah, saggy crotches. I am being hypocritical there because I was wearing my Michael Kors jeans that are three sizes to big because I was retaining water or something when I bought them and looking for a pair of drinking jeans that were nice and loose. So they were at least a size and a half too big when I bought them and now they are like the before jeans on a Jenny Craig commercial but I wear them anyway because they are Michael Kors jeans. I’ve never had Michael Kors jeans before. It’s like that one year that my brother shamed my mother into not buying me anymore Kmart jeans where she bought me Gloria Vanderbilt jeans and Calvin Klein Jeans all on the same day. Nevermind you wouldn’t understand. The point is I realized in the parking lot in my huge pants and five dollar grey hoodie and fugly Lebonese shoes that I fit right in with the neighborhood. I have become the ghetto, Freud. Replete with Seventh Day Adventist hair. Or maybe it’s Latter Day Saints hair. I’m not sure.
Freud: So the event was you went to the grocery store looking god awful?
Pt: No Freud. I frequently go to the Kroger looking god awful. The ‘event’ as you like to call it was sort of a panic attack thing. The store was FULL of people and there were not enough doors. Had I not needed smokes I would have bolted. I also forgot my fucking coupons. It was very frustrating and I was panicky. Anyway, I left the house and it wasn’t fun. Moving on. Someone is stealing stuff .
Freud: (writing furiously, looks up) Someone is stealing your stuff? Is this part of the whole pretend hospital act we have going here or is this something you believe. Do you mean things are missing from your home?
Pt: I’m aware you are not real, Freud and that unfortunately I am not in some cushy crazy bin on a beautiful island like in the good old days when women could catch a case of the nerves and wear white and people would be very soft-spoken and free with the sedatives. I MEAN SOMEONE IS STEALING MY STUFF. It started with the silverware. I had a lot of silverware, and gold flatware, and funky picnicware and now nothing is ever clean. And every time I get around to washing things, which happens maybe twice or three times a month, there is less flatware than I started with. Someone is stealing my flatware.
Freud: So someone is coming into the house you never leave, nor allow other humans into and stealing your flatware?
Pt: Are you trying to imply it is Banjo? I don’t think Banjo is stealing my flatware. Perhaps you are the crazy one. Anyway, I could see flatware falling behind something or accidently getting thrown or dropped in the trash but that doesn’t explain the missing cheese grater. You can’t misplace a cheese grater. I’ve looked everywhere for it and use it all the time. Someone is stole my cheese grater, Freud. It’s the only explanation.
Freud: Um are you taking your fake anti-depressants?
Pt: Noe. and they are not fake, they are real anti-depressants. Just because they are not made by a big pharmaceutical company doesn’t mean they are fake. And no, I stopped taking them yesterday because I ran out, they are expensive and they stopped helping.
Freud: sigh.
Pt: Sigh all you want Freud. Look I’m going to drink this crappy organic tree frog environmentally friend coffee and see if I can wash some silverware. My life is such that a day where I wash a couple forks is a good day. There are functioning adult down syndrome people with television careers on major networks and my personal accomplishment bar is washing some flatware and bathing myself. Have I mentioned what a kickass therapist you are, Freud.
Freud: Good Day, nilla.
Pt: Have a better than suicidal day yourself, Freud.
Later the same day….
Pt: OMG! OMG!
Freud: (peeks into pt room) You okay?
Pt: I’m fine. The cheese grater is on the dining room table!
Freud: So no one came in and stole your cheese grater. That’s great news.
Pt: No THEY RETURNED IT, Freud. Clearly, someone is trying gaslight me.
Freud: And, I’d say it’s working. I’m going to send the nurse in with a shot of Xanax.
Pt: [whispering] it’s a conspiracy. It was probably the Jehovah Witnesses.
I am chronically depressed. That means my brain is fucked up and not realizing that my life is pretty good. IT DOES NOT ME I AM SAD ABOUT SOMETHING. It means I am mentally ill, which should not be any more weird to be than having high blood sugar. Essentially it means I am … not even sad, but “depressed” meaning I am in a low spot. FOR NO FUCKING REASON. I also have generalized anxiety disorder. Which means , at least in my situation that I have a hard time socializing. And leaving the house.
All of this is relatively new to me. My college friends would never believe this because I was the life of the party. A party girl even. Loved to go out and do stuff. I’m also told I am hilariously funny. People like to be around me.
I just stopped returning their calls. I stopped shopping . I stopped going out with my friends. I aiienated myself. I HAVE A TOTAL freakout if you try to take my picture , which led to the end of my teaching career.
I chose to quit my job rather than have my picture taken.
This is not “the real me.”I am officially “crazy” My friends online who know me and some who only know me online Are working to “get me help.” I am in therapy that they pay for since I quit teaching.
I have a SHITLOAD of panic attacks.
It is hard to go to grocery stores. Target. The mall.
This is a relatively new phenomenon.
I am a traveler. I do so much better on vacation. I try to go every June or so.
I don’t know why this is happening to me.
It makes no sense. I am not giving up. And I am thankful to all of you for all your support.
I’ve become a lump on the couch. I think a lot of that is that, I miss “my kids” I miss teaching. I am so damn good at that. When my principals gave me excellent then average ratings,,, I went for National Certification and got it. A huge accomplishment but still felt beat down. I finally physically could not take it anymore. I’d leave school and go to ER. Panic attacks. Not heart attacks.
This is me. I am no longer afraid to speak about what happened to me.
Thanks to those who get it, and the haters can go fuck themselves.
You’re in my thoughts TT. As a veteran of 6,000 years of therapy, I know depression sucks all the color out of life, and have learned it can be managed. Strange as it may sound, we can become adept at “depression,” and have to relearn, to some extent, “normal.”
I’d suggest, if you haven’t had one, that you get a physical work up, especially an endocrine panel, as you’ve said you’re perimenopausal.
Tamara, hi I am a new fan of your blog and this is my 1st post. From what I’ve read, I agree that you do have mental health issues. I have a son with the same ones as you as well as being bipolar. However, as far as being crazy, the only kind of crazy I see is the good kind. You are an articulate, intelligient, well informed, funny woman that has been having to deal with mental issues without the benefi.of having a mental health professional who could find his own ass with both hands. Many people go through this when searching for help. When you are finally able to connect with the right person for you combined with medication and therapy, it can bring you to a place where the symptoms are reduced or even alleviated completely. There’s hope. You are not batshit crazy. You aren’t throwing feces and you do realize you have a problem. That’s a big part of the battle. Now you are on the road with the much appreciated help of your friends of finding a therapist or psychologiist that is more interested in helping you than in who you know. I for one am rooting for you. If you are this good with all you have going on, I ccan only imagine what you would be like a little less stressed. I hope I haven’t said anything to upset you. I just wanted you to know you have my support with your journey.
Oh and regarding your Jehoviah Witness sign about sacrificing the pig in Satan’s name, this is a true story which will probably send me to hell. After maybe the 10th visit from them and being polite each time, I finally lost it and said “Look, I going to tell you the truth. I worship Satan and eat human flesh.” Never saw them again.
Hannah, Excellent response and ITA.
TT, I am so sorry; I feel for you. And I appreciate your courage in expressing what’s going on. I pray and hope you find the correct, most appropriate professional to help figure out what is going on neurochemically within you and then provide the most efficacious therapy strategy.
And no, I don’t believe you are officially “crazy.” You’re suffering from a health condition. Much love to you.
What happens when you have a panick attack? Do you know you’re having one? I never seen anyone have a panick attack. Do you know when it is happening?
i wish i could say something to make things better but i dont know what. guess all i can say is i’m here, i’m reading all your posts re this even if i dont know what to say to help, i’m on your side.
It sucks to re read this and know how long it has been.
Please write and share more of these Freud and Nilla sessions. Your words resonate with so many of us, readers who are hungry for connection, validation, commonality, laughter. You make a difference. xo
Mental illness is hard to cope with. I should know. My daughter is schizophrenic. It doesn’t run in the family. We think it was due to a drug I was given to stop pre term labor. The irony is if I hadn’t taken the drug she wouldn’t be here now to enrich our lives. We didn’t know the drug had these consequences. Neither did many other women who took it. It’s hard watching my daughter cope. I can’t imagine what it’s like for her. She’s the strongest person I know.
TT sometimes as women our bodies flip out around menopausal age. Some women do get a bit crazy. You might try hormone replacement therapy if you’re not doing it already. If your on it it’s not being diagnosed properly if you feel this way and you need a better doctor. Lack of or severe fluctuation of hormones can cause craziness. Look at women who have postpartum depression. I had it. So women going through the change which can take years it’s not a stretch to think it could drive one a little crazy. My grandmother went a bit bonkers when she went through the change. Of course there wasn’t the knowledge then as there is today. So women suffered more.
If you love to teach have you considered tutoring? Just to dip your toe in a bit as a hobby.
I sincerely hope things turn around for you.
Thanks for bringing a voice to this matter. You just explained my life:( Ex specially when u talked about panic attacks, those used to send me to the ER five days a wk. Thank God I found the help I needed nd u TT, will hopefully find it too. I’m still not 100% but I’m not letting this disease win over me. I have been following u for some time nd from all I know of u, u Tamara will beat this!
I like the analogy that it’s no different than being diabetic or having another potentially debilitating disease.
When people have those conditions, they have to modify their behaviour in uncomfortable ways. It’s no fun. But you have to make yourself do things that help you rather than things that harm you. Don’t be a diabetic who eats boxes of twinkies. I don’t know what helps with your disease exactly. You know I’m a “suck it up” kind of person and would tell you that you need to make yourself get up and get ready and go do stuff each day. Starting small apbut working towards milestones. But, it have no clue what I’m talking about and whether that is right or wrong. I hope your new team is smarter than I am and can help you make a plan. Not to cure you, but to manage your condition.
You are going to get better Tamara, know that. I survived a 15 year clinical depression so I understand a bit of what you are going through. When someone knocked on my door I was trying to hide under my bed, shaking and crying, sadly my obese body would not fit under the bed. I am so happy you have people on your side who are trying to get you the help you need, I wish I was in a position to donate but have been off work hurt for 3 years and coincidentally fighting every day against the pull of the darkness. Keep reaching out, keep being open about your condition, there is no shame. It is a chemical imbalance and you did nothing to bring this on. I am rooting for you to make a full recovery and be able to enjoy your life again.
my stepmother has always been sort of reclusive, preferring to work graveyard shift and all to dealing with people. i think she may have been socially awkward because if she drank she would damce on tables and shit. anyways, when she retired and my dad was still working she had to then take the role of cooking dinner and going to do the shopping. she would freak out in the grocery store and call me in a panic about what to buy for chicken and dumplings or whatever else she was supposed to cook. ehis always happend as i was at work and doing a weave of a color or something and i would leave my client and talk her through ehr shopping. with in a few months my dad was sent on an extended assignment out of state, then i couldn’t get her out of my house. it was a bit overwhelming to me sometimes, but then my dad flew home and took her to where he was on assignment. they were gone for another 6 months. she would call me up to 10 times a day, but there she didn’t have a car and my dad would ahve to take ehr shopping and all. then they come home and back to me talking her through the store again. finally he retired and they moved about 4 1/2 hours away. for a while i was still getting a million calls but now she has had a break with reality. i am saddened by this because now she hates me and is sure i am out to get her. when she retired she started to put on weight, she had always been slender, she is now pushing 260, and won’t leave the house at all. i guess my point is my dad is just enabling this and not helping her to seek help. it is hard to ahve him text me and tell me this stuff, he can’t call unless she is sleeping because she knows we are conspiring against her. it is all very hard. i think we are all a little crazy and some of us are just a bit better at hiding it than others. i do hope your new therapists help more than the old ones. and i think we have the same flatware theif, although mine could just be my kids throwing it away on accident.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. The honesty and bravery you have showed here is an inspiration. I wish you the very best on your journey and thanks for giving so much of yourself to us, your followers, fans, friends.
Is it just a matter of finding the right medication? I’ve been depressed for a while and medication and therapy helped but then my condition wasn’t chronic.
I hope you feel better.
did you ever read about dr amen?
I’ll over share briefly.
After being a victim of a violent robbery in the 90’s I was diagnosed with PTSD & depression. Since then some years are better than others. It’s something I live with too….
TT when you write, tweet, and shout about it you scare the shit out of me because it reminds me of me; but it also reminds me that I am not the only one dealing with this.
Well, I was hoping the Freud story would be funny. I try to see the humor in all of this. There is a part of me that finds it hysterical that I have to pause and think about whether I should fill the dog’s water bowl first or the food bowl. It’s okay and even encouraged to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. My heart rate is super high again today. Not too sure what to do about that. Weird.
Good morning Tamara, I couldn’t sleep here in LA and checked your blog as I often do. Girl, after reading your recent post I just have to tell you your not alone. I’ve noticed recently most of my close friends and loved ones, even the happiest ones are dealing with the same thoughts and feelings. Not only is our economy fucked, but somethings off in the energy because it seems everyone’s struggling mentally in one way or another with the transition of what was and what is. Just know you have a lot of support here and from loved ones and this too shall pass. One thing that an old friend of mine once said to me always puts things into perspective for me although I’m still not sure why, he said ” don’t worry kid, it gets worse.” In a way, just reminding myself things can and in fact have been worse makes feeling negative become less frequent over time. Keep your head up, and have a beautiful and blessed holiday Ms.TT
Hello Tamara I have been following you for about a year after the Sheree neverland picture thing. I found you halarious and I am a reality show feind. I would like to tell you though I have been a Jehovah’s Witness my entire life. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was going through a divorce and couldn’t get out of bed. I have many panic attacks. I am now back in college. I have 6 kids and I am taking it one day at a time. I looooove therapist who give long pauses waiting for a response from me….. I don’t have the answer. I just want to be fixed! But until then Tamara here’s looking at you babe. PS. Just tell the JW’s please note my address because I don’t want to be contacted.
We have a very nice JW coupe that stops by once in awhile. They know we are not interested in their religion but they come by anyway and leave their pamphlets. Maybe you should answer the door Tamara.
I always laugh at your blogs even if I see myself in them. Being crazy CAN be fun.
I always read but never comment. Don’t give up TT. Be encouraged to keep going. I have experienced GAD and panick attacks for no reason at all. They more than suck. Moved to ATL from Louisiana (I used to be TT until I got married in June) and have been homesick/slightly depressed ever since. You have wonderful friends that are willing to help you and that is amazing. And you have readers who love you. Keep pressing on. Sending good vibes and prayers your way.