By Urethra Franklin (Click link to follow on Twitter)
Oh my GAH mon cheri’s, my heart is still racing as I begin to recap “Bitchcraft” the premiere episode of American Horror Story:Coven. Really this episode should have been titled “Deadliest Snatch” because of the correlation of death & vaginas…. Every season AHS embodies a different feel & tone. And last year’s depressing asylum setting is replaced with a vibrant New Orleans. Coven is not quite what I expected with some of the campiness, but that camp sure does soften the fright & gore within the story lines that zig zag through the centuries to a present day Louisiana. The cinematography and camera work were superbly dizzying with the soaring heights of the camera angles. At times it felt like we were getting the view from above by a clichéd witch riding on a broom.
In the opening scene it is 1834 at a high society aristocratic party hosted by Madame Delphine LaLaurie, played by Kathy Bates, who is based on a real life notorious Louisiana high society socialite and serial killer known for her sadistic involvement in the torture and murder of black slaves. In AHS she uses the attic as her heinous torture/kill chamber; and after she kills, she harvests her victims pancreas to pulverize and use as a beauty regimen for its’ anti-aging properties by applying it to her face. But by judging Madam LaLaurie’s jowls & her not so fresh face, that treatment is not working….. Madame LaLaurie’s slutty daughter is caught fucking a black servant. So the Madame brutally tortures & kills the man while he’s shackled while wearing a decapitated bulls head over his own. The visual effect is very minotaurish because the Madame has a thing for Greek mythology. That servant she just killed also happens to be the lover of a voodoo priestess, Marie Laveau, who also is based on a real life voodoo practitioner played by the stunning Angela Bassett. The voodoo loving Marie Laveau seeks revenge for her lover’s death by giving Madame LaLaurie a potion that would give her vagina some power; and she was assured it would cure her husband’s affliction of being a man whore #PussyPower. Madame LaLaurie drinks it all and dies (so we think), and is buried outside her home beneath a courtyard covered with brick pavers.
Now in the present day we meet Zoe, played by Taissa Farmiga… She is like a virgin, touched for the very first time, while her teen lover is about to pump his first and last hump. She literally fucks him to death as he gets a brain aneurism and bleeds to death right there… Zoe’s mother confesses to her that she suffers from the same “genetic affliction” as her great-grandmother which I guess is code for being a witch with a death snatch. For her safety Zoe is dragged away from her home headed to New Orleans’s Miss Robichaux’s Academy by albino men dressed in black under the supervision of a flaming red haired Myrtle Snow, played by the fabulous Frances Conroy, who has had the honor of having deliciously wicked roles in all 3 seasons.
Miss Robichaux’s Academy is a boarding school for witches in training inside an 18th century neoclassical plantation style mansion that was once used as a military hospital during the Civil War. It is gorgeous, and almost everything is white. It’s almost heaven like; except for the dark irony of the powers that reside within its gated coven. The academy is run by the head mistress, Cordelia Foxx played Sarah Paulson, who herself is a witch, but wants to teach the young witches how to be restrained in their powers and to be more normal, and that is something Cordelia wishes for herself as well.
Upon Zoe’s entrance of the academy she is stalked & surrounded by 3 terrifyingly masked dark cloaked figures that grab her and terrorize her. Suddenly the candles shoot out ropes of fire and the cloaked figures back away. Is this one of Zoe’s unknown powers? They unmask themselves, and they are the only 3 student witch bitches in training who were just playing a mean girl initiation prank on the new girl. The precious Gabourey Sidibe plays Queenie, and her power is that she is a human voodoo doll. Whatever she inflicts onto herself will happen to her victim. Kind of creepy cool if you ask me. Emma Roberts plays Madison Montgomery, a cunty young movie star who is a powerful telekinetic, and she can move almost anything with her mind. Lastly there is Nan, played by the incredibly talented Jamie Brewer, and she is a clairvoyant. I became obsessed with Jamie & her Adelaide character during the first season of AHS. I am so thrilled to see her again this season.
Cordelia lectures the student witches about the various limited powers of the average witch. Each generation produces one very powerful supreme witch who has unlimited powers. She wants to teach the witches how to control their powers like the witches of 1600’s so that they won’t be discovered and to avoid persecution & death like the modern day witch Misty Day, who is played by Lily Rabe. She also has been in all 3 seasons of AHS. Last year on AHS:Asylum she played Sister Mary, a nun who was possessed by the devil, and she creeped me the fuck out. She is a terrific actress….. Misty Day is a young Cajun woman from a backwoods Pentecostal community. She is a necromancer and can communicate with and resurrect the dead. Her powers are discovered as she is seen bringing a bird back to life, and is dragged away to a field and tied to a stake to be set ablaze. As a match is lit to set her on fire, she screams to her killers “It’s you that will end if flames. I swear it.” I’m not sure if she put a hex on their asses, but we’ll find out soon enough, and I hope Misty is be able to use her powers of resurrection on herself.
Fiona Goode, the powerful Supreme Witch with unlimited powers, played by the legendary Jessica Lange, makes her entry into the show #BowDownBitches. You all know I am obsessed with her talent, right? She has traded last season’s drab black nun’s habit for a fierce black high fashion wardrobe & “fuck me now” heels. Fiona is a very rich widow, and she glides into a high tech research facility that is testing for a fountain of youth with stem-cells experiments. Upon seeing the evidence of the effectiveness of the stem cells on a spider monkey, Fiona breathily purrs, “I’ll have what she’s having.” The scientist tells her it won’t be ready for human use for a couple of more years. Fiona does not understand the word NO because her dead rich husband’s money is funding the research, and she insists she needs her some stem-cells because she has a dinner date in a half hour. The handsome scientist tells her she is a beautiful woman and that he can recommend a plastic surgeon instead. Fiona doesn’t only want the appearance of youth; she WANTS to be infused with vitality & youth. He tells her “What we do here is not magic.”
Now we see Fiona in her sexy high rise penthouse having a party of one. She is wearing long black flowing lingerie and snorting cocaine & swaying about listening to the 1960’s psychedelic rock classic “In A Gadda Da Vida”. It’s almost as if she is in a state of arrested development and not letting go of her youthful partying ways. She is staring at herself in the mirror, and is very agitated in her “high” state of mind. Then as she sees a news report on the TV about Misty Day, there is a knock at her door. Fiona has summoned the stem-cell scientist because she has not seen results after being injected with the formula. She accuses him of injecting her with a placebo instead. She demands “Give me MORE”. He refuses, and quits his job on the spot. Well Fiona is NOT having that as she starts to fuck up his life with her telekinetic power of whoop ass, and all the while she is smoking a cigarette. She straddles him and gives him a bewitching KISS OF DEATH. Damn!
Back at the Academy the witchy pupils are being served dinner by a tongue-less Spaulding played by Dennis O’Hare. You all may know him as Russell from True Blood. I wonder what witch he pissed off to lose his tongue.
Fiona returns to New Orleans and visits Cordelia and expresses her disappointment in her for being such a lame ass witch. She informs Cordelia about Misty Day’s death, and that she is cautioning her and the student witches of a storm of persecution coming to them. She warns that modern day witches need to be wary of social media so that they won’t be discovered and killed.
Madison & Zoe go to a college party. Zoe and Kyle, played by Evan Peters, eye ball fuck each other across the room. Madison is giving a date-raped spiked drink. She is gang raped by camera phone holding college guys. I hate watching this kind of stuff. I’d rather see blood & gore than guys acting like animals. Kyle walks in on the assault and stops it. The rapist gang runs away to the party bus to get away, & Kyle is in pursuit of them. Madison staggers outside, and with a flick of her wrist she telekinetically flips the moving bus upside down.
The next day Zoe tells Madison that they have to tell the police about what happened. Nan, the clairvoyant, is reading their minds, and she knows what happened the night before. Fiona also knows what happened and tells Madison that she is a sloppy witch bitch for flipping a bus that killed some of the guys. Madison tells Fiona, “Go to hell you stupid hag” #OhNoSheDidn’t. Fiona again while holding her damn cigarette telekinetically throws Madison against the wall…Fiona instructs the girls to wear something black as they are going a field trip to visit some witchy landmarks in the French Quarter. Nan is drawn to the old mansion where Madame LaLaurie lived which is now a museum of sorts with guest tours. The tour guide explains the gruesome depth of Madame LaLaurie’s vanity, her murder, and of the mysterious unknown whereabouts of where her body is now.
Zoe goes to the hospital to see Kyle and to get revenge against the rapist survivor who is in critical condition. Apparently college guys can even get their dicks hard while on life support, because she climbs on top of him and FUCKS HIM TO DEATH with her killer pussy.
Nan’s powers lead her to find Madame LaLaurie’s grave under the courtyard next to her mansion. Fiona hires 2 men to dig out the casket, and then she erases their memory of the event. Another power is revealed. Fiona opens the casket to reveal a shackled, gagged, and ALIVE Madame Delphine LaLaurie. Alive? After more than 150 years of being buried? I guess that Marie Laveau did some serious funky voodoo on her. Vanity & the quest for youth is the commonality between the murderous Madame LaLaurie & the Supreme Witch Fiona and they have a lot to talk about, and so do we….