By Urethra Franklin (Click link to follow on Twitter)
Oh my GAH mon cheri’s, my heart is still racing as I begin to recap “Bitchcraft” the premiere episode of American Horror Story:Coven. Really this episode should have been titled “Deadliest Snatch” because of the correlation of death & vaginas…. Every season AHS embodies a different feel & tone. And last year’s depressing asylum setting is replaced with a vibrant New Orleans. Coven is not quite what I expected with some of the campiness, but that camp sure does soften the fright & gore within the story lines that zig zag through the centuries to a present day Louisiana. The cinematography and camera work were superbly dizzying with the soaring heights of the camera angles. At times it felt like we were getting the view from above by a clichéd witch riding on a broom.
In the opening scene it is 1834 at a high society aristocratic party hosted by Madame Delphine LaLaurie, played by Kathy Bates, who is based on a real life notorious Louisiana high society socialite and serial killer known for her sadistic involvement in the torture and murder of black slaves. In AHS she uses the attic as her heinous torture/kill chamber; and after she kills, she harvests her victims pancreas to pulverize and use as a beauty regimen for its’ anti-aging properties by applying it to her face. But by judging Madam LaLaurie’s jowls & her not so fresh face, that treatment is not working….. Madame LaLaurie’s slutty daughter is caught fucking a black servant. So the Madame brutally tortures & kills the man while he’s shackled while wearing a decapitated bulls head over his own. The visual effect is very minotaurish because the Madame has a thing for Greek mythology. That servant she just killed also happens to be the lover of a voodoo priestess, Marie Laveau, who also is based on a real life voodoo practitioner played by the stunning Angela Bassett. The voodoo loving Marie Laveau seeks revenge for her lover’s death by giving Madame LaLaurie a potion that would give her vagina some power; and she was assured it would cure her husband’s affliction of being a man whore #PussyPower. Madame LaLaurie drinks it all and dies (so we think), and is buried outside her home beneath a courtyard covered with brick pavers.
Now in the present day we meet Zoe, played by Taissa Farmiga… She is like a virgin, touched for the very first time, while her teen lover is about to pump his first and last hump. She literally fucks him to death as he gets a brain aneurism and bleeds to death right there… Zoe’s mother confesses to her that she suffers from the same “genetic affliction” as her great-grandmother which I guess is code for being a witch with a death snatch. For her safety Zoe is dragged away from her home headed to New Orleans’s Miss Robichaux’s Academy by albino men dressed in black under the supervision of a flaming red haired Myrtle Snow, played by the fabulous Frances Conroy, who has had the honor of having deliciously wicked roles in all 3 seasons.
Miss Robichaux’s Academy is a boarding school for witches in training inside an 18th century neoclassical plantation style mansion that was once used as a military hospital during the Civil War. It is gorgeous, and almost everything is white. It’s almost heaven like; except for the dark irony of the powers that reside within its gated coven. The academy is run by the head mistress, Cordelia Foxx played Sarah Paulson, who herself is a witch, but wants to teach the young witches how to be restrained in their powers and to be more normal, and that is something Cordelia wishes for herself as well.
Upon Zoe’s entrance of the academy she is stalked & surrounded by 3 terrifyingly masked dark cloaked figures that grab her and terrorize her. Suddenly the candles shoot out ropes of fire and the cloaked figures back away. Is this one of Zoe’s unknown powers? They unmask themselves, and they are the only 3 student witch bitches in training who were just playing a mean girl initiation prank on the new girl. The precious Gabourey Sidibe plays Queenie, and her power is that she is a human voodoo doll. Whatever she inflicts onto herself will happen to her victim. Kind of creepy cool if you ask me. Emma Roberts plays Madison Montgomery, a cunty young movie star who is a powerful telekinetic, and she can move almost anything with her mind. Lastly there is Nan, played by the incredibly talented Jamie Brewer, and she is a clairvoyant. I became obsessed with Jamie & her Adelaide character during the first season of AHS. I am so thrilled to see her again this season.
Cordelia lectures the student witches about the various limited powers of the average witch. Each generation produces one very powerful supreme witch who has unlimited powers. She wants to teach the witches how to control their powers like the witches of 1600’s so that they won’t be discovered and to avoid persecution & death like the modern day witch Misty Day, who is played by Lily Rabe. She also has been in all 3 seasons of AHS. Last year on AHS:Asylum she played Sister Mary, a nun who was possessed by the devil, and she creeped me the fuck out. She is a terrific actress….. Misty Day is a young Cajun woman from a backwoods Pentecostal community. She is a necromancer and can communicate with and resurrect the dead. Her powers are discovered as she is seen bringing a bird back to life, and is dragged away to a field and tied to a stake to be set ablaze. As a match is lit to set her on fire, she screams to her killers “It’s you that will end if flames. I swear it.” I’m not sure if she put a hex on their asses, but we’ll find out soon enough, and I hope Misty is be able to use her powers of resurrection on herself.
Fiona Goode, the powerful Supreme Witch with unlimited powers, played by the legendary Jessica Lange, makes her entry into the show #BowDownBitches. You all know I am obsessed with her talent, right? She has traded last season’s drab black nun’s habit for a fierce black high fashion wardrobe & “fuck me now” heels. Fiona is a very rich widow, and she glides into a high tech research facility that is testing for a fountain of youth with stem-cells experiments. Upon seeing the evidence of the effectiveness of the stem cells on a spider monkey, Fiona breathily purrs, “I’ll have what she’s having.” The scientist tells her it won’t be ready for human use for a couple of more years. Fiona does not understand the word NO because her dead rich husband’s money is funding the research, and she insists she needs her some stem-cells because she has a dinner date in a half hour. The handsome scientist tells her she is a beautiful woman and that he can recommend a plastic surgeon instead. Fiona doesn’t only want the appearance of youth; she WANTS to be infused with vitality & youth. He tells her “What we do here is not magic.”
Now we see Fiona in her sexy high rise penthouse having a party of one. She is wearing long black flowing lingerie and snorting cocaine & swaying about listening to the 1960’s psychedelic rock classic “In A Gadda Da Vida”. It’s almost as if she is in a state of arrested development and not letting go of her youthful partying ways. She is staring at herself in the mirror, and is very agitated in her “high” state of mind. Then as she sees a news report on the TV about Misty Day, there is a knock at her door. Fiona has summoned the stem-cell scientist because she has not seen results after being injected with the formula. She accuses him of injecting her with a placebo instead. She demands “Give me MORE”. He refuses, and quits his job on the spot. Well Fiona is NOT having that as she starts to fuck up his life with her telekinetic power of whoop ass, and all the while she is smoking a cigarette. She straddles him and gives him a bewitching KISS OF DEATH. Damn!
Back at the Academy the witchy pupils are being served dinner by a tongue-less Spaulding played by Dennis O’Hare. You all may know him as Russell from True Blood. I wonder what witch he pissed off to lose his tongue.
Fiona returns to New Orleans and visits Cordelia and expresses her disappointment in her for being such a lame ass witch. She informs Cordelia about Misty Day’s death, and that she is cautioning her and the student witches of a storm of persecution coming to them. She warns that modern day witches need to be wary of social media so that they won’t be discovered and killed.
Madison & Zoe go to a college party. Zoe and Kyle, played by Evan Peters, eye ball fuck each other across the room. Madison is giving a date-raped spiked drink. She is gang raped by camera phone holding college guys. I hate watching this kind of stuff. I’d rather see blood & gore than guys acting like animals. Kyle walks in on the assault and stops it. The rapist gang runs away to the party bus to get away, & Kyle is in pursuit of them. Madison staggers outside, and with a flick of her wrist she telekinetically flips the moving bus upside down.
The next day Zoe tells Madison that they have to tell the police about what happened. Nan, the clairvoyant, is reading their minds, and she knows what happened the night before. Fiona also knows what happened and tells Madison that she is a sloppy witch bitch for flipping a bus that killed some of the guys. Madison tells Fiona, “Go to hell you stupid hag” #OhNoSheDidn’t. Fiona again while holding her damn cigarette telekinetically throws Madison against the wall…Fiona instructs the girls to wear something black as they are going a field trip to visit some witchy landmarks in the French Quarter. Nan is drawn to the old mansion where Madame LaLaurie lived which is now a museum of sorts with guest tours. The tour guide explains the gruesome depth of Madame LaLaurie’s vanity, her murder, and of the mysterious unknown whereabouts of where her body is now.
Zoe goes to the hospital to see Kyle and to get revenge against the rapist survivor who is in critical condition. Apparently college guys can even get their dicks hard while on life support, because she climbs on top of him and FUCKS HIM TO DEATH with her killer pussy.
Nan’s powers lead her to find Madame LaLaurie’s grave under the courtyard next to her mansion. Fiona hires 2 men to dig out the casket, and then she erases their memory of the event. Another power is revealed. Fiona opens the casket to reveal a shackled, gagged, and ALIVE Madame Delphine LaLaurie. Alive? After more than 150 years of being buried? I guess that Marie Laveau did some serious funky voodoo on her. Vanity & the quest for youth is the commonality between the murderous Madame LaLaurie & the Supreme Witch Fiona and they have a lot to talk about, and so do we….
I loved the first season and entirely missed the 2nd, but if it keeps up like the premiere this season will blow the other two out of the water! It was fan-fucking-tastic from beginning to end. Jessica Lange and Angela Bassett are EVERYTHING! (With honorable mention to Kathy Bates). I don’t think I’m going to be able to deal with Queenie’s power…
reat recap by the by.
I have to rewatch the first and all the second before I watch the third season, but I am recording on DVR. But from what I saw it looks like it will be the best of them all. No wonder cable is winning out on regular network television.
Each season is a completely stand alone season. No need for a back story from earlier season. Please watch Coven and be part of the discussion here. You won’t regret it.
I’m so old school, I prefer the book over the movie an ur recap read like a novel i cldnt put down! I did watch the first 30 mins an ur rewrite was dead on accurate. Kudos for another great guest blog.
Thank you ZenJen I appreciate that compliment.
This is my first time recapping something with so many details and layers. But there were so many more details & tidbits that I could never write it all down, and I love it when posters point out details that I missed. This is not like recapping the stupid Big Brother crap.
Loved the show last night, thanks for the re-cap! Hope next week is just as good!
Please everyone remember to click on the ad above to help TT. Just mute it for some peace and quiet. If you all don’t, I ain’t recapping no more.
Via Deadline… AHS had more than double the viewers as last season’s average.
inShare 0 Comments (1)
*American Horror Story: Coven*, aka Season 3 of Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk
AHS Coven was so damn good, it was worth the wait!
I’m not sure if a killer vagina is a power I would want to have but it’s better than no power at all, I guess.
I was so happy to see Jamie Brewer too and I immediately thought ” I’m a pretty girl” when I saw her. Then I remembered how that ended and got sad all over again.
Emma is playing the bitchy part very well and you gotta love anything Gabby does.
Previews for the upcoming season looked awesome. Can’t wait for next weeks episode.
Jamie Brewer aka Adelaide is everything. I refuse to call her anything else but Adelaide! I like this season so much better than last season. The only thing that would make the show better would be Dylan McDermott and Connie Britton coming back, but that will never happen.
I agree about Jamie, love love love watching her. I was so hurt when Adelaide got killed. I keep tweeting my appreciation to her but she ignores me. ARGGGH.. I not a stalker really… lol….
Superb little gal, Addie, in Season 1 (& props to Jan Brewer and her acting); but as I remember, it was supposed to a good thing for Addie to leave this world than to remain in it under the circumstances: her cray cray mommy (Jessica Lange) and living like that forever.
Oops, my bad, actress is Jamie Brewer, not Jan….she’s worth getting her name right!
Just reading your recap, Urethra, made me want to watch. I did not see Seasons 1 and 2, but will try to tune in for Season 3. Does anyone know whether FX airs repeats of the shows as the season progresses?
Yes, they repeat each episode many times.
If you have Netflix, they have both seasons 1 & 2 avalible.
I’m so glad AHS is being recapped on TTs blog. Both my sisters are fraidy cats and refuse to watch. I tried to explain that season 2 wasn’t as scary as season 1 but neither has forgivin me for convincing them to see The Ring years ago.
Loved your recap! I’ve never watched AHS before last night, but gotta say that they did a great job showcasing NOLA. It felt right. Growing up in the city, several field trips included Musee Conti Wax Museum with Madame LaLaurie, voodoo, and haunted dungeons. It is going to be fun watching this season. Looking forward to your recaps.
I am going to love Coven even more than Asylum. Yum, Yum, something delicious to watch on Wednesdays. This years TV programing is the best in years. I’m so glad I’ve found so many new stimulating lovers after breaking up with the HW’s (forever, and I mean it).
I feel the same way about the HWs. I’m a big NeNe fan, but I’m not sure if I can endure another season of RHOA. I stopped recording WWHL ages ago because I got tired of listening to the same RHONJ drama over and over again.
I’m with you. I NEVER watch WWHL anymore. Too boring, too sucky uppy.
Great recap UF. I could visualize it from last night. AHS changes each season so the storylines dont get stale. And as good as the premier was we are gonna need seatbelts by the end. Finally a show here at TTs i like to watch..other than trials.
YAY! I am glad we finally found you one. OTOH, you must not be listening to me about The Blacklist! You are missing a good one!
Finally watched this. It was really good and I will continue to watch. I watched season 1 but missed season 2 due to me still being so freaked out from the first. This seems good, slightly scary, with enough of suspense to keep me entertained without scaring the “f” out of me. Thanks for the recap.
When the Fiona killed the scientist in her penthouse did she kiss him to death, or did she suck the life right out of him?
I’ve been reading around and there is folklore about a boo hag witch. These types of witches gain sustenance of life by sucking out the breath of their victims. What do you all think? Kiss of death or sucked the life out?
UF, I think Ryan Murphy explained her in broad strokes & said we’ll get to know what/why she’s doing this. From what I can find so far, the answer is both: she sucks the life/vitality out of her victim seems it also ends in their death or rapid road to death. The drug didn’t work so she had to go the victim route. Her methods aren’t sinister in regard to maintain her beauty & youth for that sake alone, but needed to maintain her Supreme powers.
She’s found herself recently losing her power slowly manifesting itself in lethargy, physical appearance (I’d say it’s the witch equivalent of menopause called Uber Witch-pause), possibly by a spell from the other witch (say voodoo queen Marie Laveau)
But the goal for her is to regain the power, naturally related to vitality and youthfulness, not immortality or appearance vanity in order to be able to protect her position as the HWIC (head witch in charge) and to fight off her new nemesis who has the vitality she’s losing and will allow her to take the HWIC position. Hell, she may even end up being Glinda the Good Witch by the end, protecting everyone from whoever’s trying to dethrone her.
So the youthful side effects give her enough strength to use the powers she used to have, not as sinister as the tortuous broad who just wanted to look good, if that makes sense.
Thanks for explaining that so well. I hate that I described it so simply just as a kiss of death. You are astute, please keep adding to the discussion here.
This is some of the best show discussion we have ever had on TT! Since I am new to this genre, I am learning a lot. I love the witch menopause theory.
Thank you so much – I am major blush, blushing – that’s the best compliment I’ve had since I retired recently (the best I get is every once in awhile a friend says “ooooh, so nice to see you vacuumed cleaned up a bit, even took a shower;(
Anyway, I’m a “fanatic” of AHS since Season 1, and since Season 2, I think I’m getting better at figuring out how the twisted sisters mindset works (that’d be Ryan Murphy & Brad Falchuk) to make a coherent comment:)
What I’m thrilled about more is that you, UF, agreed to recap, and TT agreed to watch and use this little ol’ forum of hers & scissor dry wit that’s sometimes wasted on those numbnuts HW!! (although I’m certainly glad she does since I’m a watcher, mostly, and this is the only blog I’ve found EVER that I like enough to make a comment.
And the cherry on top is TT likes, been commenting about BLACKLIST!
(I wish I’d seen your comment earlier, but I have confession, here and now: I think “all ya alls” are in Atlanta; I’ve just spent and ungodly amount of time watching 13 innings for the St. Louis to finally beat the Dodgers! Now if they end up playing the Braves, I hope my presence is still welcome (see I’m born and half, not well, bred in St. Louis before ending up in Sin city:))))
Right after she kissed/sucked him, when she looked in the mirror, for a couple of seconds she looked really young, then she gradually (and quickly) got old looking again.
UF she sucked the life right out of him!! Next time you watch it she loses some fine wrinkles when she did it. Maybe thats why she wanted a nonlethal alternative..so she dont leave dead bodies to regenerate. Just guessing 🙂 sound like a possibility to you?
You are right. So many details that I missed. I watched this episode 3 times and every time I watch it I notice something that I missed before.
~~~ I have recorded it but have never watched before, I’m kinda looking forward to viewing it now from reading about it here. Perfect Halloween season timing ~~~
Thanks for the recap UF. Just got around to reading it now. I am so thrilled to see both Taissa Farmiga and Jamie Brewer back. I missed them both last season. The cast of these shows is so outstanding that I always get excited when they introduce a new character and we get to see which actor/actress is playing them. Frances Conroy never disappoints, and I have been a huge fan of hers from Six Feet Under. She is so good, she has the ability to make you believe her new characters and not connect her to any other roles practically the instant she hits the screen. The only actress who gets on my nerves for some reason is Sarah Paulson. I hated her character last season, and I don’t know if it was the her or if another actress had played the part if I would have felt differently about it. I guess I will get that answer this season, but already she is annoying me. Lol I also love me some Lily Rabe, and we KNOW her ass is coming back! (I hope!) All I know is that Jessica Lange of gonna rock the shit out of this role! Like no other!!!
I had no idea that the Kathy Bates and Angela Bassett characters are based on real people. Makes it so much more cool, and also makes that opening scene so much more horrifying. I hope that that tour of that house isn’t a real place to go sight seeing, just because it means that maybe they didn’t stray too far from the reality of the situation with all of the crates and stuff up in that attic. I know what I’ll be doing later tonight when I can’t sleep now. #googlehereicome
I thought in the beginning when the candles lit up that it was the other witches that made that happen, not Zoe. Interesting… (this is why I love ahs. Let the guessing games begin! You know Zoe is going to end up with some extraordinary powers. At last I hope for her sake, because that power just plain sucks! She will never reach an orgasm, the poor thing.
I couldn’t help but wonder, why didn’t Jessica Lange’s character use that mind power shit on the doctor/scientist like she did on the guys who dug up Kathy Bates? Didn’t she put a power on them to make them agree to dig her up? I know she erased the memory, but didn’t she also make them do it to begin with? (Sorry, my mind has this annoying habit of trying to make sense of things, and I often have to tell it to shut the f up so it doesn’t ruin my viewing pleasure.)
I am so excited about the voodoo vs. witchcraft storyline. I had no idea! I am already counting down the days until episode 2, and, of course, your next recap.
Thanks for reading..and yes I agree about Fiona’s mind control ability. She did use it on the tour guide at the LaLaurie mansion when she crashed the tour, but not on the scientist. Maybe her powers were weak at that point, and they got stronger after she sucked the life out of the scientist. So many questions. There is always lots of “WHY WHO HOW” when watching American Horror Story.
Francis Conroy has had some wicked juicy roles. I loved her as the Moira, the hyper-sexual maid in season 1, and she was hypnotic as the Black Angel of Death in season 2. Now she is a flaming red haired witch and I want to see more of her…
Ugh. I watched the first scene and had to shut it off. I guess I am thin-skinned but that was way too morbid for me…should I watch the rest, or is it all that bad? I can handle witches and sexy death but that first scene…omg. I guess I am old school but I feel like if you watch stuff like that, it harms the peace and goodness in your home.
Tango, the first 8 minutes were the worst part. I actually missed it and enjoyed the rest of the episode, then it repeated immediately afterward and watched it while looking away a lot. I totally get your POV. If you want to watch, it might be best to DVR it so you can FF through the gore. That said, now that Kathy Bate’s character is in modern times, she should be better behaved. Kathy and Gabby are two of my favorites and they both have the gruesome factor. Gabby’s character is a human voodoo doll so she can be a bit bloody. A few quick FF pushes and you get back to the other stuff. It’s not for everyone or even me perhaps… We shall see. I like reading the posts here though.
TT, I didn’t realize you watched the show. So glad you did! I know you don’t like scary things but I think you’ll like AHS.
Oh too bad.That’s what the fast forward button is for. There are some great scenes. Some are hard to watch. I’d rather watch the blood & gore than the gang rape scene, but there are comedic elements and some light fright moments that are kinda of fun. It’s all about balance. I want everyone to be addicted to AHS….and if you hadn’t heard the brilliant JESSICA LANGE is the star of the show.
I read something online about the opening scenes with Kathy Bates, so I fast-forwarded through them. Last year I did the same thing with AHS: Asylum. I am very sensitive to super-gory and/or violent TV, and I often have to sit through shows like the Walking Dead because my family likes to watch them. FF is your friend!
I want everybody to be addicted to AHS, too, UF! My BFF doesn’t really like this season so far, but I love it much more than Asylum. I also convinced my parents to watch the first episode of Coven, but I’m not sure if they like it. They watch True Blood, but AHS is a different kind of scary than True Blood. Now that there are going to be recaps of AHS and Scandal on TT, I want to comment on here all the time. And I will make sure to click on the ads!
Madame LaLaurie reminds me of Elizabeth Bathory. a 16th? century hungarian princess who killed around 600 girls in her time..bathing in their blood to stay young. Fantastic they are drawing from real stuff for this season.
I watched it today and the jury is still out for me. I had to use FF at the beginning, too. My favorite parts were with Jessica Lange. Will definitely watch next episode, tho…..
…the headmistress kept reminding me of Alex McCord from RHONYC…
Maybe Fiona wanted to dig up the Madam because Nan could sense the Madam was/is a witch too and Fiona and the Madam are both youth-obsessed witches?
I’m pretty sure that Madam (Kathy Bates) was cursed by Marie the Voodoo Witch for the brutal torture death of Marie’s lover, but now sure she’s a witch since that would give her some power(s). Part of the curse is the buried alive for 200+ years, and now that Fiona has found her I think she’s going to enslave her to use against Marie who I think is the one trying to dethrone Fiona and/or sucking away at her powers that made her Supreme Witch.
This is going to be good!
Sorry, meant to say I’m NOT sure she’s a witch.
I hope Jessica Lange turns her into HER slave!
From the real quick season clips, I think she’s definitely someone’s slave. Looked like she’s following around one of the young boarding school witches (appears to be the black schoolgirl Queenie, which is great poetic justice, but so far it shows Gabourey Sidibe is in only 2 episodes). No matter, I’m betting she’s a slave because Fiona arranged it!
Please don’t post spoilers about how many episodes people are in!!! Thanks.
Why didn’t you edit that out TT??? I’m bummed to know that info.
Oh no, I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think about that. Hopefully I’m very wrong (damn IMBD) won’t happen again.