We’ve got all this awareness for diseases and shit but I think the reason I am losing my mind is menopause. When I was about 11 I discovered a lot of blood in the toilet. I had been raised in Libya. We did not watch TV there were no tampon commercials. I as quite sure I was dying. My parents were in their forties when they had me. Think Ward and June Cleaver. My mother said ” You are a woman now, this will happen for the rest of your life.” I assumed I would never stop bleeding. So when I did, I freaked out AGAIN. Now what? We were southern Baptists. We did not talk about such things. Or sex, Or boys. Or birth control and definitely not Grandfathers that sexually abused us.
My only not dead sister, doesn’t seem to know what I want her to tell me about menopause. Maybe it was easy for her. She also claims she was the one female (and the prettiest of all of us) who was not sexually abused. Clearly, there is a lot she doesn’t want to talk about. She’s also old enough to be my mother, in a family of lots of secrets.
Clearly, making attachments to others was a very scary thing after a family of people who, didn’t protect children from sexual predators. I did the usual route, sexual promiscuity, followed by years of an inability to consider men as people you could trust. Eventually that escalated to not trusting anyone. Oh, I tried now and then. But as that bitch on Bravo would say, “my picker was off.” I could not trust my judgment, because I don’t have any. I never had a barometer of knowing what decent men were like in my family. I had a great brother for awhile. But he ditched me for a pretty blond who was a very, very bad choice and pulled him away from his family. He’s back now, sort of. As much as he knows how to be.
So now, my eggs are shriveling up. Never married no kids. And if that were not bad enough, I have not idea what menopause is all about. Is it the reason I have such anxiety and depression now? What is normal? I feel like my whole life is over and I am just waiting to die. I can have three periods in a month and those days have always been debilitating for me. When I started my periods, Toxic Shock Syndrome was a big thing and my mother was sure I had it. I ran a fever, I puked, I slept a lot. But I also wasn’t allowed to use tampons. I remember the HS nurse telling me as I was puking in a bucket that I could not go home every time I started my period.
I remember my mother telling me nothing.
And now on this end. Now one is telling me anything again. How long does this last? Is this why I am crazy? Should I get some sort of hormone therapy rather than spending tons of money on antidepressants that are not working?
I don’t understand people who are out in the world functioning normally. It seems so weird to me. People have kids and husbands and friends and do things. They seem happy. I don’t feel jealous. I just feel like they must be joking or on drugs or faking it. I feel like none of them are being truthful.
I know I am going to die old and miserable and alone. I’ve known that since I was six. It just makes me want to fly to Paris and sit in churches and museums and cry.