Finally, it is the season finale of Princesses: Long Island! When last we were with these people Ashlee had a meltdown and disappeared on the road to the vineyard. Chanel is crying and looking everywhere for Ashlee. Chanel is still sobbing days later in her talking head.
Amanda, Erick and Joey are off on the boat having the time of their lives. At least for about ten minutes. Then they start bitching about Chanel and Ashlee. Eventually, Chanel sends a text saying Ashlee is in the hospital. I am going to assume it is a psychiatric hospital until told otherwise. Chanel is really bad at explaining what is going on. Somehow, she ended up in a small town, in a small hospital, for small people and oxygen was involved. I am guessing when she realized no one was coming to get her, she had a panic attack. I mean this girl can’t drive to a friend’s house in Newport or wherever by herself with locking all the doors and calling her daddy. What did she expect to accomplish but walking down the street in the middle of nowhere by her own ignorant self? LOL I was right. Panic attack with a side of hitch hiking to a hospital. Welcome to my usual Tuesday afternoon, Ashlee. Well, I don’t go hitchhiking because I am not stupid. And why didn’t she just answer the phone when Chanel called her a billion times? OR CALL HER DADDY like she does when she forgets how to use toilet paper or work a thermostat? She is hilariously weeping jet black mascara tears.
Amanda and Casey meet for lunch. Casey is mad at Amanda for leaving Ashlee behind. Casey says that she thinks that Ashlee is very level-headed and normal. Casey appears to have had a lobotomy since the last episode.
Ashlee says that the day at the winery (which was clearly days before this talking head was filmed) was “like an outer body experience.” At the hospital they had to give her a Benadryl! My god. A Benadryl! That’s very serious stuff! I mean you take that for fatal issues like allergies and mosquito bites! Next time I have a panic attack, I now know that Benadryl, not Xanax is the preferred medical treatment!
Chanel is trying to convince Ashlee to do a Jewish tradition associated with the new year to apologize to those you have wronged and forgive those who have wronged you. Ashlee is not apologizing for anything. She has done nothing wrong and is entirely blameless. (Except for texting everyone not to be friends with Joey, telling Joey she is a bad person, alienating her when they go speed dating, having a stick up her ass all the time, and of course making a nasty comment about her Joey’s mother who is either dead or otherwise out of the picture. Other than that, she’s completely blameless. Oh and for literally running away from the vineyard worrying everyone to death and blaming everyone else for “leaving her there”) Ashlee is full on delusional and ranting about how they left her completely helpless. She has nothing to apologize for except that she is sorry that Joey is so full of hate that she has to project it on her.
Oh God. It’s time for inappropriate over the top PDA with Amanda and her gay boyfriend. Apparently, Jeff and Amanda met on the Long Island Railroad. How fittingly pedestrian. So Jeff proposes. We knew that was the finale storyline. But to be honest, I am not sure he did propose. He said “this is a proposal from me to you” several times. Then kept saying, “will you accept? “ AND said, this promise ring and commitment. A PROMISE RING? But then he says several more times that he just didn’t want to get down on one knee. Or apparently buy her an engagement ring. Amanda looks like a pigeon has just crapped on her head. I would have handed the box (which is neither Tiffany nor Cartier) right back at him. Gay men should be much better at this sort of thing. This bonehead move is the only glimmer of straight man we have seen all season. So she promised him something and then the obnoxious PDA began. I am actually one of the few people who think that PDA is great! But these two don’t really kiss as much as they slurp all over each other’s faces. It’s gross and wrong.
At the religious thingy, Casey shows up with a huge attitude. Chanel starts by apologizing and crying the ugly cry. Amanda goes next. She cries about the promise ring. I would too, Amanda. Erica apologizes to Casey for being a whore. Erica says she misses Ashlee a lot mutters something bout anxiety. Casey apologizes to Erica for not calling her out on being a slut earlier. Casey apologizes to Amanda but she is not very sincere and still bitchy. Joey says to Ashlee essentially that she hopes Ashlee will grow up and they can move past their problems. Ashlee says to everyone, she doesn’t just take a holiday to reflect, she reflects every single night. She says this reflection shows her just how far she has come in her life and she hopes that one day all of the other girls there will come to the place she is. I literally did one of those spit take laughs and scared the dog. Ashlee had a stroke last year. But she has taken that second chance at life and made it perfect. And she just doesn’t have time for people who bring negative energy into the world. What will she do next start twirling and chanting that she is Gone With The Wind Fabulous? This chick is like legally insane! Ashlee says she is so glad that she is not on a milk carton. Amanda points out that Ashlee is a grown woman who LEFT THE VINEYARD ON FOOT and Chanel looked for her for hours and could not find her. She put herself in a dangerous situation. Casey is now getting pissed as if Amanda is somehow being mean by speaking about the reality of the situation. Ashlee is making me want to shoot my TV Elvis Pressley style! In her talking head she is gleeful that Amanda apologized and that she is going to feel so much better for doing so. I mean my head my literally implode! Ashlee says that she is sorry that Amanda does things out of anger.
They finally just through the damn bread on the water. And that will likely be the last we see of Ashlee. For that, I think we can all say Amen!