Hello tattlers. This is Urethra Franklin, and I’m guest blogging tonight’s Big Brother episode for Tamara because this cast is so stupid, racist, misogynistic, & homophobic, that Tamara would rather spend the evening drunk blogging about the lovely well-mannered ladies of the Real Housewives of New Jersey & Long Island Princesses. Tonight is episode 5 for the How To Get America To Hate You And Lose Your Job reality show.
Half the BB house is reeling from David’s blindside eviction. Aaryn is stunned by the surprise votes to evict her bobble headed surfer boyfriend over Elissa, and CBS is broken hearted too because the fake showmance storyline just hanged ten out the door.
Gina Marie, Long Island’s mean girl with a racist but good heart got consoled by her faux alliance buddy Nick, who really doesn’t care about David since he voted to evict him. Meanwhile Aaryn is fake crying at the eviction door like a scene out of THE COLOR PURPLE for the guy that she broke up with 50 times because he had no thoughts, did not shower, had no ambition, and because she’d rather hookup with Jeremy.
The HOH competition consists of 2 person teams relaying scoops of BBQ sauce to fill a jug while walking on a slippery floor with an incline. Amanda’s strategy is to crawl on all fours & at times scooch on her ass like wiggle worm in order to avoid falling & breast implant explosions. McCrae is getting all boned up with excitement because his BB girlfriend Amanda is all greased up on all fours and breathing heavy…and I will say that no way in the real world would McCrae ever have a chance with a horny high end realtor like Amanda. She probably wouldn’t even tip him the minimum $2, but in the BB house she loves to touch his “tip”. Some of the house guests are stumbling, falling and losing balance. Svelte & agile Helen is teamed up with the opposite of svelte & agile, Spencer. In her diary room she tells us though competition was intense, she embraced it and wanted all the HG to have fun with the rare opportunity to schlep BBQ sauce on a greasy slope. The leading teams are Andy/Elissa, Jeremy/Aaryn, & Judd/Nick at close 3rd. The winners are Jeremy & Aaryn, and they have to decide which one gets to be HOH. Since Aaryn will keep Jeremy safe from nominations, Jeremy gives Aaryn HOH as a consolation prize for losing her fake showmance man candy & it enables Jeremy to play HOH next week. Hmmm he does have some hamsters turning the wheel in that head of his. Of course the moving alliance crew (Nick, Jeremy, Howard, Spencer, McCrae) are thrilled that Jeremy won because it helps their alliance. As HOH Aaryn was given the power to assign the have nots for the week. First Aaryn turns on her bitch switch and demands to know who voted out David, because they will be have nots. Nobody volunteers their vote so she picks Elissa, Helen, Andy, & Candice. Candice declares that she did not vote for her “boyfriend” to which Aaryn snaps “He’s not my boyfriend”. So the have nots selected by the head bitch in charge is Elissa, Helen, Candice, & Andy. Helen is in tears in the have not room because this is the 2nd week of eating slop with no bed to sleep in. It was cruel of Aaryn to do that since Helen has zero body fat to begin with.
The house is trying to figure how everyone voted, but everyone is lying about their lies. Soon before the votes, sneaky Spencer pulled a wicked move by telling Candice to vote out Elissa, even though he really voted for David. This way he won’t get any blame for David’s eviction, and Candice became an unsuspecting alibi for his lies lies lies… Weasel Andy continues to ride the fence HARD and decides to come clean to Aaryn with his vote for David so that he doesn’t get beheaded by the homophobic Queen of Bitchville, TX. Everyone is curious to see baby pictures of the she-devil so they put on their fake enthusiasm & trot upstairs to see Aaryn’s HOH room. There was a white robe in her room, but it had the HOH logo, but no hood. We saw a picture of her WHITE cat too. It seems this girl has a preference for all things white. After a few minutes of insincerity by the HG, Aaryn tells them they can exit if they don’t want to be there. The only ones in the HOH room now are Aaryn, Jeremy, Kaitlin, Gina Marie, Nick, & Jessie. They are still trying to account for the votes. Aaryn says if someone in this room is lying to her about votes she will cut their dicks off in their sleep. She is totally suspecting the guys on this backdoor plan to evict David, but I think that scene was a crafty CBS edit.
America voted for food for the have nots, and it’s the tasty combo of liver and Lima beans. To me Lima beans are like tofu, no flavor.
Halfway through this episode, it flashbacks to an earlier time when McCrae was HOH, before Aaryn’s win as HOH. McCrae, Judd, Andy, Howard, & Amanda are there and compare notes about Aaryn’s bigoted ways in the house. They are anxious for karma to get her, and for her to be a have not soon. Midway into the show, CBS is now acknowledging the controversy of bigotry, racism & homophobia in the house . Howard says he wants Aaryn to go next because of some of the derogatory things she has said in the house. Howard says the real Aaryn is coming out, but apologies won’t make amends for it. Amanda specifies that Aaryn spits out racist remarks, and Judd wonders what kind of idiot says stuff like that on tv. Big muscular Howard has been really calm, cool, & reticent about it because none of it was directed toward him, and it does not affect him, and he is focused on the game. Whoa, CBS is now blazing guns at Aaryn by airing her ALL her bigoted hateful remarks. Way to go CBS!!!! WOW CBS is now airing a not so lovely montage of bigoted, racist, & homophobic vitriol that we have been hearing from Aaryn this the past week. OK shit just got real for this girl. Her and her family can never eat a Chinese restaurant or soul food place again or go to a hair salon or go shopping or anything. I expect them to get a fortune cookie that says just stay home and shut the blinds for eternity.…. Gina Marie is also put on blast by airing her racist remarks against Candice. Way to go CBS for validating the media circus about this fuckery to its viewing audience.
OK now that CBS fulfilled their obligation on racist gate, back to the game post eviction. Helen & Candice are figuring out that there must be a super alliance between the guys, and that they were manipulated by the Moving Crew Alliance to do their dirty work….and they are 100% right.
Jessie wants to find a cuddle buddy to showmance with. She pursues Nick awkwardly & mercilessly. He thinks she is a stage 5 clinger, and she thinks he is an odd one while guessing if he’s gay or not because he has zero interest in showmancing her. My gaydar is 70/30 on Nick being straight. He his game play style is similar to previous BB winner Dan Gheesling, and ain’t no body got time for no showmance, especially with the girls in that house. (though Candice is beautiful & single)
Time for this weeks nomination. This week’s HOH is a 2 headed snake with Aaryn & Jeremy, and Jeremy is the controlling head because he wants to strengthen the Moving Crew’s Alliance by getting out Elissa because they expect her to be MVP winner every week. I think it would have been smarter to make deal with Elissa and use her MVP power as a game tool instead of being so dismissive of her and wanting her gone. Aaryn is constantly saying negative things about Elissa & Jeremy seems rather obsessed with getting her out. The nomination ceremony takes place and Elissa & Helen are nominated together. This way they can’t vote for each other, and this makes it more likely that one of them will go this week. It’s all up for the MVP twist to take effect and see which way eviction goes. Thanks Tamara for allowing me to snark my way through the foolery that is Big Brother