OMG. Andy is introducing everyone and everyone looks about the same EXCEPT for Alaska! Dear God what has happened to his hair? This is not a haircut for a straight black male. Kathryn looks happy and fantastic.
Jeff and Blair Updates: OMG Jeff’s parents sent him a mean letter after the first episode aired and he hasn’t heard from them since. Something about how “real rejection is rejecting your brother at the hospital” when Jeff was three. I hate Jeff’s parents. Blair sent them a response letter. I wish we had a copy.
Q: How is the sex life? Blair is doing all the talking, natch. He says after that long day of filming the sex therapy scenes they were ready to get down but they were also starving so the stopped at (speaking to Andy) one of your Top Chef After the Show restaurants ‘Friends’ (He means Fabio’s Italian restaurant in West Hollywood, Firenze Osteria click for link with reviews) and the both had the calamari and got food poisoning for 15 hours. Oh, Blair, way to piss off Andrew. Jeff says sex is improving, that he prioritizes it now. And Blair says he does enemas now and that helps. This gets the “Oh SWEETIE!” response from Andy. When he says “oh sweetie” he is NOT being nice. Andy’s face registered the complete disgust he was feeling and the others all let our a collective eeewwwwww… Then Andy says to we have another call for them or do we move on. There is another called and you can tell Andy wishes there was not. Magically, that caller is not there either. No callers have made it on the air yet do to technical difficulties. Andy is relieved to move on.
Kathryn and John Updates:
Q. Many variations of do you feel bad for being such a selfish prick? He says absolutely. And he was glad he has such an understanding wife. Kathryn says watching the show together she saw how big she really was and felt like John got robbed of his wife during the first year his marriage. Blair does the dramatic jaw drop and says, “Are you kidding me? and you look fabulous by the way.” She really does look amazing. And she seems very happy to defend him.
Q. Why does John think that looking after his own son is babysitting rather than parenting? Kathyrn says she tells him that all the time. He is getting better. They are newlyweds and learning together. She says John is “moldable.”
Q. How is John as a father? He’s amazing
Tina and Tarz Updates: Tina had a baby TWO WEEKS AGO and looks like a million bucks. Seriously I can’t believe that is even possible. Her waist is tiny and her stomach is washboard flat. The baby boy came 6 weeks early and looks like Tarz. There is absolutely no doubt she got a tummy tuck on the delivery table. They can’t share the name because USWeekly has the exclusive. This pissed off Andy.
Q. Tarz what was it like looking back on the show and how Tina treated you? Tina covers her face. Tarz gives some answer about how he absorbs her energy. It was a non answer. Blair interrupts to say that Tarz has no penis because she chewed it off. We can see that Blair is still Blair and has not toned down at all. He interrupts again with I think an Iron Man comment he is difficult to understand because he talks so fast.
Q. What was the story with Heather last week? Tarz says he kept thinking it was a joke because Tina’s dad is a prankster. But it wasn’t, they want us to believe. When asked how things are with him now, Tina says he is running from his pain traveling all over Europe and Asia. They are buying a new house and there is an extra plot and he wants to build a guest house on it and live with them. He is very attached to the baby. Tarz says that is not happening.
Q. What was some of the fun stuff you did for your honeymoon challenges? We did a lot! They saw a psychic, the went rock climbing, lots of fun stuff.
Alaska and Kim Updates:
Q. Alaska, looking back do you think that it was right trying to turn Kim into your mom and to compare her to your mom? He says he is not trying to turn her into his mom but he does think it is okay to compare her because that is like the prerequisite and she surpassed that. Everyone awwwwws. I am waiting for Blair to jump up and scream, “DUDE! GET OUT OF THE CLOSET!” let’s watch what happens!
Q. Have you changed the ways you speak to her? By the way, these softball questions are from Andy because phone lines are down. He says they’ve changed but they (editors) missed a lot of my sarcasm. He says he is definitely a jerk but that there were many times that he was being sarcastic and they missed his punchlines.
Q. How did you feel about finding out that Kim kept all of her money separately? Alaska says just found that out like last week. He is okay with it but has cut back his contributions somewhat. (Sounds like he is stashing money too.)
We try the caller question again, and it works! Q. Male caller says that Alaska says that in his religion the male is dominant in the relationship. Was he just using that to get what he wants? Alaska said he leads, but Kim is a strong individual. Kim says she asks people, “Do you want to speak to the man in charge or the woman who knows what is going on.” Side note: I think Alaska has on clear nail polish. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Okay, yes there is if you are straight.
People kept tweeting Andy that he looked bored, tired and pissed. He says he is in a good mood. He’s lying. We have eyes, Andrew.
Poll Question: Which couple will last the longest?
Tarz and Tina 29%
Kathryn and John 26%
Kim and Alaska 18%
Blair and Jeff 17%
Do you agree with these results? Do you think we will see these people back for Newlyweds: The Second Year? Or another first year with new folks? Or is it done forever?