Mob Wives Recap: Casket Sex and Prison Weddings

I’m a week behind on Mob Wives. I have no idea why EVERYTHING has to be on Sunday nights. Anyway, Renee is back in town and catching up on the gossip. It seems that Drita is back with Lee (Shocker!) and she is happy. For now. I love that the mob wives actually eat on the show. On the Real Housewives of Everywhere, you will notice that they very rarely eat anything at the dramatic dinners because they have to reshoot the scenes so many times. If you want to read about the details of filming a RHOA eating scene, read this article I wrote back in 2011. It’s very enlightening. Renee says she has moments where she wants a pill or a drink. She is going to try to stay away from the drama to protect her sobriety. We should start a betting pool on how long it will be before she has a front row seat to the drama. Will we make it through this entire episode?

Carla goes to the Drunken Monkey to tell Big Ang about her meeting with Raquel. Big Ang is planning a Christmas party with everyone. Carla is already planning to encounter drama with Love and Renee. It’s looking unlikely that Renee will make it through the episode drama free. There should be a drinking phrase for this show, “I don’t want no drama.”  We would all be drunk ten minutes in.

Love and Karen are an Italian grocery. Karen is going out to Arizona to see Dave and check out the girlfriend situation. Karen is also wanting to get down with the swirl.  Her business partner, Storm, calls and asks her out to dinner. Storm has a grill on his lower teeth that is distracting to say the least. They both have daughters. Karen is impressed that he is not in the mob. Should that be on my list of requirements for men? “Not in the mob?”  I had not considered that.

Drita and Big Ang go to a mechanic who made Drita custom rims for her car that says “Lady Boss.”  Drita is planning to spoil Lee with a car and a new boob job for her. That is pretty much every man’s dream right? Big Ang says that Drita is going to end up pregnant. Big Ang suggests she get the ball rolling by hooking up with Lee while he is on the job. Lee is working at a Funeral home. Drita thinks it’s a perfect job for Lee because he can’t kill anyone there because they are already dead. Silver Linings indeed.  Big Ang suggests casket sex. Is that even a thing? Don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. (Adds no casket sex to list of hard limits.)

Ramona heads to the safe deposit box to pick up her engagement ring. She is inviting Karen over to share her big engagement news with her first. If you are curious about how one gets married to an incarcerated guy this might shed some light on it. Or not. Ramona is hopeful that Joe can get a week of bail with an armed guard outside the home. This apparently costs 8 grand. But who can put a price on true love, right? I don’t think this happened. Karen is trying to talk some sense into Ramona. It doesn’t work. Ramona is pissed. Karen is like, “You can’t Handle the Truth!”  But in this show they are lacking the few good men.

Wait, the chick named Love has and ex-boyfriend named “Fate?” How am I just realizing this? Is this the one she likes to shish kabob with a knife from time to time? This sounds like a perfect match to me! And they say true love is dead.  It’s not, it’s just full of stab wounds. Maybe this is a different guy. I dunno. She does promise she will still beat him up, so clearly it’s a passionate relationship.

It’s time to celebrate the joys of Christmas at some sort of fur shopping event. Ramona is still pissed at Karen. Renee pops the champagne that she is not going to drink. Big Ang is loving the furs. Ramona makes a joke about Carla in a fur saying that she hopes no one shoots her. And we are off the drama races. Ramona goes into the kitchen where the conversation is men and loyality. Or rather men and disloyalty. Renee talks about staying with her man while he was incarcerated. Karen asks her what she got out of it and suddenly Karen and Ramona are fighting and everyone else is confused. Ramona thinks that Karen spilled the beans, but she did not. So Ramona tells everyone. Everyone acts like this is great news and Karen is trying to get through to Ramona. Big Ang tries to support Karen. Renee says Ramona is going to be fine. Everyone loves the ginormous ring and is temporarily blinded. Big Ang and Renee say what really needs to be said, “Whatever you decide, keep the ring!”

And Renee’s sobriety lasts another episode. Next week, despite Renee saying she is not coming to Big Ang’s party because she can’t be around Carla, I imagine it’s a mandatory performance and everyone will be there. Cheers!