Okay, now that I have had my Howie Mandel fix, I am ready to recap The Real Housewives of Miami. Let’s make this quick and dirty like a Joanna Krupa blowjob in a movie theater, shall we? Already the help is disturbed.
I feel like we missed something. The editing picks up the next morning. Lea says if Karent’s relationship is real, why would she just not say so. Karent suddenly goes in on Alexia’s relationship with her husband saying there are rumors all over town it is not real. Um, they are really married, Karent and you are really playing a role on TV with a telenova actor. There are all sorts of permeations of marriages out there, but very few people go on a reality show pretending to have a boyfriend. It’s basically you and Kenya Moore. That does not put you in the best company. Joanna seems to think she should Karent should just go after everyone else’s relationship in relation like Alexia’s or Marysol’s but not Joannas. Gigglesnort. Or Lea’s who has had its share of tabloid fodder. Wasn’t Lea right there egging Alexia on to tell Karent? How is she getting a pass on this? Why is everyone so intimidated by Lea?
Joanna calls Alexia’s husband gay and even Lea defends that. Good grief. How much deflection can we have before breakfast? Lea is clearly not even pretending to be on Karent’s side. Lea essentially says we all know you are in a fake relationship for the show inasmuch as she can say that with cameras rolling. Karent comes back with Roy being a weak ass husband. Lea is not amused. But it seems to be true.
Mama Elsa is called for advice and she asked them why it was their place to say anything to Karent. I love Mama Elsa. Meanwhile the weather is awful so the women are all going to be stuck together in close quarters. Mama Elsa wonders why Alexia would get involved in this. I love Alexia and she is feeling like she made a mistake.
Lea looks amazing in her turbans and over the top jewelry as she and Lisa have a heart to heart over having a baby. Lisa has had miscarriages and even used a surrogate and it didn’t work. Lea is encouraging. She says let go of the past and keep trying all the options. Lisa cried.
I have no idea why housewives can’t drive golf carts. They all look like a bunch of expats on a Saudi compound with their headscarves. They go to a local conch stand in spangley frocks and heels. Joanna usurps Marisol in her talking head admitting what we all know. She’s never eaten conch but she’s eaten a lot of cock. She actually says that. Okay I admit the “a lot” part I added in but it was implied. At the
Cock Conch Shack, Marysol realizes she is ready to finalize her divorce.
Karent’s Dad is having some sort of medical emergency. Karent is dramatic and can’t leave until the next day. It feels like a telenova audition to me. Whatever.
The rest of the girls all go to dinner and Lisa wants to know what Tequila and vodka tastes like together. Dinner at the Bimini Bay Resort, which can actually afford to comp the ladies for free publicity and they are getting a lot of it. Totally worth two house rentals and some meals. Meanwhile, Alexia, Ana and her that side is saying Karent never owns up to anything. So Joanna lies through her teeth. Joanna claims that “Elaine” called her today “to check up on us” and said that Marysol never apologized to “her.” Um first of all it would be James calling, Elaine is a stage act. Secondly, James would have called Lea,not some alleged hooker that he just me. So to quote Brandi Glanville, “Shut the fuck up, Joanna, you prostitution whore!” What so I through a bit of Teresa Giudice in there, I am starting to miss her. We saw the office scene. We saw Marysol apologize. So Lea jumps in and says that Marysol needed to apologize. And we are going back to this again. Lisa and Marysol’s business relationship is not any of these bitches business. Lisa herself said the same thing. Joanna says at the dinner table that she heard Alexia’s husband is gay. This will not go well.
Lea and Marysol are going to line by line go through their issues? Really? Okay.Marysol thinks Elaine overshadows events, distracts from the focus and is too expensive. That’s it. Let’s hear what Lea wants to say now to defend yet another asshole bullying male, who if he wants to be considered female, should not act like the biggest dick in Miami. Lea says that Marysol’s girl passed out “handfuls” wristbands to
commoners teenyboppers to come in and listen to Lil Wayne and bop up and down in front her thousand dollar a plate guests for his performance. Marysol denies this. Even if true, I would think some Lil Wayne fans would add some ambiance to a bunch of old rich fucks who likely had never heard of Lil Wayne. What’s the problem? Lil Wayne is not in the wheelhouse of the elderly rich folk who attend Lea’s Gala. Good PR move if you ask me.
The next year Lea says… WAIT WAIT WAIT.. why is she still hiring Marysol after she let
black people teenyboppers into her Gala? Sigh, so the next year…Marysol’s girl pushed people off of the red carpet list to allow other people on, presumably, “Elaine.” Um you think? Do you really want Elaine Lancaster to be the face of the Gala over actual celebrities? No, honey, just know. Ideas like that are why you needed to hire Marysol in the first place. Then Pharell supposedly complained that women were stalking him at the Gala. Really? Pharell is not used to being accosted at an event? Really? I don’t get the editing about Marysol saying he was prearranged to do an event with People, but really Lea. What is the real issue here because it is NOT Marysol’s PR abilities. Lea says Pharell never agreed to the People interview. Marysol says there was no one there to identify the donors. Lea is a bitch.
During the end of this drama, Karent, who was supposed to be too upset about her sick father enters, because how the hell is she going to miss the camera time? She sobs through a “I just want you guys to enjoy your dinner while I freak out about my Dad. NOTICE ME!” Karent leaves. Lea goes back in on Marysol. Marysol speaks up and says, look, I got you in national press for the first time ever, you loved it. Lea pretends her press was fine before Marysol. Marysol finally says, look, you seem to think your Gala makes my business when clearly my business makes your Gala. TRUTH. Marysol says she thought they resolved it by not working together again. Marysol is A-OK about not working with Lea. But Lea is the hit dog and she won’t stop howling at a dinner, in Bimini with half a dozen or so other women. Adriana decides she wants to talk about things she has no idea about. Ana finally can’t stand it. The voice of reason speaks. Ana as a lawyer tries to hint Lea is defaming her business. Lea shuts up. FINALLY.
So we are going to take the ladies to the healing hole? The what? And Lea is backtracking now that Ana spoke up. So they hug. Lea says I know I am the stronger person, and I know that she has grounds for a lawsuit (okay she didn’t say that, it was implied like a Joanna being a hooker (allegedly!!!) so they hug it out.
I was not excited about any jewelry but I forgive Lea because I don’t travel with anything but my bangles and sometimes depending on the country I leave them at home too. Too much trouble.
So what did you think my tattlees?