We are back in Ojai just in time for the “shut the fuck up” heard round the world. In a bizarre turn of events, Brandi is defending Kim from Adrienne and Kyle is taking Adrienne’s side over the person trying to protect her sister. Perhaps Kyle is one of the people at the table that Brandi says wants Kim to fail. Did anyone follow those last couple of sentences? Um, yes, newsflash, “shut the fuck up” is a rude thing to say. That is why one says it. Rude is the intention. Adrienne began the rude train when she mocked Kim for crying.
Even odder is the group in the bathroom. Kim is bawling her eyes out and Brandi, Yolanda and Taylor are in the bathroom with her. Wasn’t Yolanda just at the table saying “Who talks to women like that?” about Brandi and now she is in the bathroom with Brandi and Taylor comforting Kim? As Brandi tries to apologize for CrystalMethGate 2011, Kim through her tears must make it know that she has no idea what Crystal Meth even is. Ummm HMMM.
Lisa tries to get Brandi to apologize to Adrienne. Brandi says she’s not sorry. Back at the table Brandi realizes someone needs to cut the tension so she says “I’m sorry I said the F word.” Gawd. I hate when adults say things like “the F word.” It makes them sound like children. Brandi gets a call which she takes at the table. Grrrr. And announces that she got a book deal. This sends the enemy camp, which Taylor has rejoined despite a quick moment on team bathroom alliance , into a quiet stew of hatred. Taylor begins dramatically “meditating” at the table while sharing knowing looks with Adrienne. At this point in the season we are still divided into team left couch and team right couch. At the reunion Brandi shouted from the left couch to Taylor about writing a book about Russell’s suicide when it had only been a hot minute since it happened. So team right couch is united in their disgust that Brandi is writing a book about divorce.
So 7 or 8 women are going on a picnic in two gold carts and an argument ensues about who gets to drive the Bentley cart. These women have the maturity of a group of sixth grade girls in a self-contained class for behavior disorders. They seriously need a behavior contract or perhaps a sticker chart. On to badminton and Yolanda continues her fiercely competitive streak. Yolanda seems to want to one up Lisa in particular.
After all of that, spa treatments are in order. Adrienne seems oddly uncomfortable with the sapphic nature of the spa treatments which requires the girls to rub themselves down with all manner of mud and goo. Then they end up doing each other’s backs. You would think Adrienne would be enjoying this. Kim is moaning and groaning loudly. People are uncomfortable. But Yolanda decides to start a towel fight with Lisa. Kyle decides to see if the girls will fall for “the quiet game,” and the do, until Yolanda once again decides to disrupt things by throwing a pitcher of water on Kyle.
Dinner is fabulous. I’d love to eat there. Dinner conversation is focused on sharing childbirth stories. I do not understand women who do this. Camille is all like …really? Didn’t everyone just hire a surrogate like me? After exchanging terrible labor stories, we thankfully move inside for the drinking. At this point our ever so fun gal, Yolanda is displeased. She can’t drink for two more months because it doesn’t mix well with her lamb fetus injections. I’m not kidding. Kim is clutching a pillow to her body and white knuckling through this entire scene. Again, not kidding. Yolanda announces she wants to go to bed, but graciously tells Lisa the rest are welcome to carry on. Sober Kim opts to go bed as well. Allegedly. Things devolve into the drinking gals laying on the floor arm wrestling. Brandi beats Taylor and challenges Adrienne by saying, “You’re the guy!” Brandi wins. And I lose for recapping this. The squealing has woken up my dog. Is this normal behavior for middle-aged women?