Okay, I want to blog this while I still think it is a good idea. So here is what happened on AfterBuzzTV last night. Basically, I channelled Bea Arthur and became the spokesperson for mental illness. I’m okay with that.
First of all I’ve been asked to do people’s “radio shows” or “podcasts” or whatever a few times since starting this blog. I always say no. And I had planned on doing so this time, except the chick who was asking, Anna Koppell is and adorable creature. She said a lot of nice things about me which I didn’t believe and thought it was probably a vast conspiracy to harm me. But then I saw her on the AfterBuzztv.com youtubes. Even someone as fucked up as me could see that she was the fucking poster child of harmlessness, and everything that is good about this world.
And then there were the others. We’ll get to the guy later but the other two ladies were going hard on Aviva in all their shows. I get it. I go hard here on people all the time. I’m not nice here let alone politically correct. It wasn’t that they called Aviva a nutjob or crazy, that’s par for the course in reality TV gossip. I do the same thing. What bugged me is they repeatedly declared that she was doing the things she was doing for attention or ratings and that her apologies were not genuine and that she repeatedly relied on her anxiety disorder as an excuse. Because, as a fellow nutjob, I knew this was not true. I know it looks that way to sane people. I know. I also know you can’t explain it to sane people. I’ve tried. A lot. People will tell you in the most loving ways to get over it. Especially if you are otherwise a smart person. There is this underlying assumption that we know better. But we don’t. I’m embarrassed to say I saw a bit of myself in Jill Zarin the other night. In the face of all reality, she at one point said to Andy Cohen. “that’s not how I remember it.” I’ve been in that place. When you are crazy, your perceptions are all off.
I don’t know when I started being crazy but I was probably just a kid. I think I know why I started being crazy but that is not really important. Many people have childhood trauma and don’t end up crazy. But the sane people saying that we use it as an excuse angers me. No one wants to be crazy. I do remember my first panic attack. I was in college living in an apartment building that was more like a dorm because there were mostly students in cushy one bedrooms living a good life. We would leave our doors open and wander in an out. I was skinny and pretty and happy had lots of friends. Life was good. I was making macaroni and cheese without a care in the world when suddenly my heart went crazy and I was scared. I went to tell the girls I was dying (ever the drama queen) and one of them said it was a panic attack. Whatever. It went away and didn’t really happen again. What the fuck did I have to panic about? My life was pretty perfect. It was just a weird thing that happened.
Years later, while addressing a large crowd full of “important people”, it happened again. My college students were dumbfounded. I’m pretty unflappable. Nothing really bothers me. I was freaked out not because I was embarrassed that I froze in public, but because I froze in public for no fucking reason. I wasn’t nervous. It like wasn’t me at all. Clearly, I was being taken over by pod people or something. More years later, in a more stressful teaching job I began having “heart problems.” There is a history of heart disease in my family. My heartrate went haywire. Weird shit was happening to me. I was less and less me. I isolated. I freaked out. I was diagnosed with “generalized anxiety disorder.”
So now I have this thing. I’m crazy. Because that is what crazy is. When your brain doesn’t work right. That IS something that there needs to be a celebrity to rant about on twitter all day. Crazy people. We need y’all to be aware. Because I’ve been sane (ish) and crazy and I can tell you sane people don’t get crazy people. You think you do. But you don’t. Because your brain works right so when you see someone doing something stupid or crazy you think it’s a choice. It’s not always.
So that is the short version of how this crazy person ended up on AfterBuzztv.com defending Aviva Drescher. It went against all my self protective armor. I really had hoped I’d just make some jokes about Jill Zarin hiding her microphone in her necklace made from red crayons. Maybe I’d say I thought the best line of the season went to Carole when she said, “I heard two male voices, one was Luann…” I’d be clever and sane and everyone would love me. Instead I heard two male voices and one of them was me. I was channelling Bea Arthur. I was outside myself going, “girllll what the fuck are you doing? What is this deep voice? Why are you talking about the crazy? STOP TALKING ABOUT THE CRAZY!” I was on the phone (not my favorite thing) with four people talking about me at once. And I started out as that person who calls into a radio show where the host is all like, turn the radio off dumbass. It wasn’t going well. It didn’t make it a single second without looking ridiculous and silly.
I wasn’t very (intentionally) funny and a bit pathetic. Kinda like Aviva. I don’t think I did a very good job of defending her. or myself. or any of y’all. But you know what? My DM box and my timeline had a lot of people saying thanks. They felt good that they were not the only crazy person. There are a lot of us on the Internet that see Aviva as our crazypants leader. I know Molly from the show thinks I am “her only fan.” But there are always the crazies to factor in. I’m Aviva’s brand of crazy without all the money and dignity. So we cringe when she starts to spin out of control and we root for her when she stays sane. Personally, I am amazed at how well she holds herself together under so much scrutiny. She still has a tremendous amount of dignity. I know the sane people don’t see it. But I do. Even when she is crazy.
So I’m not going to beat myself up about the AfterBuzz thing. Sure it will be on youtube for all perpetuity. But it was fun. There were lots of funny parts. Like the long segment about how the dude on the show is married to someone very, very hot. I’m sure that had nothing to do with my preshow request for him to dress like a pirate so we could role play a scene from slutty island. What? I thought it was appropriate! He speaks French! And I’m crazy.
Thanks for reading and watching and for being crazy with me. And if Anna Koppel still lets me. I’ll do some Shahs of Sunset shows with her in the future. I have a new castmate to mock. I’ll try. but not promise, to be the fun crazy and not the serious crazy. Because I don’t really trust people at all, but Anna is beautiful on the inside and it just radiates everywhere. She made me feel safe, and that is something I don’t feel often. I’m grateful to her because she knew I was crazy when she invited me.
I hope you decide to stick around. Everyone likes a good trainwreck. 🙂 I can’t promise that I won’t have more ridiculous twitter meltdowns or say offensive things or even play nice, but I will always tell it to you like it is in my crazy brain.
tamara, sorry i could not watch/listen to the show as i was never able to find the link for the rhony. every other show was listed except that one. so i will be looking for your link. just wanted to say i am one of your oldest supporters of your blog, take that anyway you want, and i still support you. all of us have to do whatever we need to do to get through the day. some of us do it more publicly than others, and risk mocking, judging, etc by others. i dont think its easy for any of us these days, but some of us definitely have a harder road than others. i give props to everyone who keeps trying, cause i know that it might often seem like giving up would be easier. hang in there girlfriend; you do not walk alone.
Thanks sweetie. And That website sucks balls. It was REALLY REALLY hard for me to even find a past episode, because I could not do it there. They need a drop down box that lists EVERYTHING. Instead of a big page full of shows that didn’t include RHONY.
I know someone who told me it’s on itunes now. I’ll link when I know something despite me being the poster child for crazy. 🙂 Someone has to do it.
I couldn’t watch either. Anyone come up with a link yet?
Here’s a link to the show on YouTube, Tamara’s segment starts at 24:50 and ends around the 40 minute mark. Personally I think you did a great job, you didn’t seem even a little crazy. 😉
Ths should be the one. The above two play the entire playlist. Sorry!
http://youtu.be/axjuPBYJtUw
I’ve adored your blog for the last few months, but I’ve adored you, personally, even more the last couple weeks. Thanks for all your hard work and research, and bringing so much of yourself to your writing. I’ve found myself relating very, very closely to you recently. And though I also understand Aviva’s issues, I’ve still found myself very angry at her for her behavior… because I recognize my own behavior on the screen. I would bet that often when viewers find one specific person they hate on reality TV, that it’s the person who they most resemble in real life.
I think that seeing what you don’t like in a person thing is bullshit. I saw what I didn’t like about myself in Jill Zarin the other night and today when she continues to spin her bullshit. I am not Jill Zarin WHO HAS EVERYTHING and continues to be a bitch and start drama. I can on the other had understand her delusions. Her statement of “I don’t remember things like that” in the face of evidence to the contrary even TODAY or last night when she says she didn’t say Luann she was trying to be relevant on the show by doing what she did and Andy rolls the tape.
Sadly all my role models, Aviva, the blogess, etc. have a man i their lives that explain to them what normal is. Even Jill has that. I don’t. And the reason I don’t is I push them away. Because who wants to rely on a man for what is normal? Well me. A lot. But I can’t because they are such fucktards and who in the hell would want to be in a club where I am a member?
Aww. Well, I still think you’re great and would want to be in your club. I’d bring vodka and red wine to the meetings and we’d be fine.
For me personally I’ve noticed that sometimes when I really get angry with a character I realize that it’s because they exhibit some trait I don’t like in myself: Aviva’s crazy vitriol towards Ramona – I have the same issue with someone in my life, I’ve been told I’m “irrational” about it and “need to let it go”. But I can’t. But I also dislike others with whom I have nothing in common: OC’s Tamra, NJ’s Kim D.
I used to suffer from severe agoraphobia, not quite recovered yet, but I can say that having internet friends while safely ensconced in your own home can be a tiny blessing. So keep writing and let us be your friends – we all think you’re great! (P.S. Most men ARE fucktards, but perhaps that’s why I’m a lesbian… wait, women are just as bad actually).
🙂
I watched last night and I think you held your own just fine. I appreciate that you can Identify with Aviva. I have a adult son who suffers panic disorder and it is no joke. I have spent many a night on the phone,in person and in the ER with him until the wee hours trying to comfort and console. It’s no joke and very real.
I hope you can appreciate my sympathy for Jacqueline. I have had larger than life “besties” and it’s always fun when you are not the target. Watching their crazy and being a part of it can sometimes be intoxicating. When it’s over and the tables turn, The novice crazy is not so adept at the banter and who comes off looking crazier? You end up screaming at the top of your lungs to be heard and understood.When all is said and done you’re left without you best friend you may reach out via the internet for your support. (I know I have) Far less invested than real friends with much less investment. Going through something like a autism diagnosis for your child and you don’t have your best friend, where do you turn? I’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers. You’ve labeled me defender of the stupid I will proudly wear my banner as you pose for you poster for the”crazies” 🙂 I hate labels but i’m not ashamed of who I am.
despite everyone’s assumptions. I have a shit load of exerience with autism on all ever end of the spectrum. Jaq is allegedly a sane mother (lol) of an autistic kid. She’s an idiot. And a shitty parent. It’s that simple. Now if you want to tell me she is mentally ill… i’ll ease up.
I get crazy. I suffered sever trauma. Then depression. Now I have panic attacks. I get very withdrawn with mine bc I try very hard to hide it. I’m embarassed by it. Few people know. But I don’t treat others badly, have never as an adult called someone any name of any type, don’t engage in screaming matches at parties, don’t judge, lash out or insult others. You CAN be crazy and still behave appropriately. Being crazy is never an excuse for being unkind….NEVER!
except for I am the kind who would call people bad names and tell them to shut the fuck anyway. You are allowed to have a personality in your crazy.
Agree with that. Crazy people come in all sizes. There’s not a one size fits all crazy personality. And I come from a family of all different kinds of crazy. I do think, however, that Aviva presents herself in one way (the whole ‘say what you mean just don’t say it mean’) but the reality of her personality seems a wee bit diff. I think you say what you say and you are who you are and you don’t give a fuck. I actually admire that more. That takes more courage.
I’ll give you mentally unstable, temporary insanity. We all have our moments. Calling someone a shitty parent is a bit extreme but if thats how you feel this is YOUR forum.
Oh i TOTALLY STAND BY MY OPINION on Jac being a bad parent. In no way is this post to be a crazy card on my opinion. I have a shit ton of autism experience. I know EXACTLY what I am talking about there.
Don’t apologize for being who you are. We’re all beautiful in our own way.
Sorry I didn’t get to watch but hope you can provide a link. This blog of yours today is wonderfully revealing. You are so brave.
Wish I could say that I get what you’re talking about but it would be a lie. While I try to be sympathetic I usually avoid interacting for any length of time with adults who cannot behave in a mature fashion. I am a failure in that respect.
I enjoy reading you & appreciate that you share who you are. In cyberspace there is just enough anonymity to allow even the untrusting to hazard engaging the crowds & the judgments.
Thanks Tamara.
I don’t feel brave. I just don’t care. I do not apologize for being me. It took me a LONG time to get here. but.. I wish it for you all. Just do you. Let go caring about what people think. If YOU think you are doing the right thing go with it,
ARGH I HATE threaded comments. San i turn them off?
Yes! Is there a quote option instead?
Anyway, the show was great. Like you said though, crazy is still not an excuse to be a dick. Don’t compare yourself with Aviva. You have a sense of humor. She does not.
And…do you think it’s beyond the realm of possibility for someone to have a disorder but also abuse it as an excuse for repetitive bad behaviour? Like you said about non-crazies not being able to “get” crazies, maybe you don’t get that because its not something you’d ever do or understand someone else doing. Food for thought.
Arent we all crazy to a degree? Dont we all have irrational thoughts sometimes? I think a lot of it can be situational, but there are people who are just crazy. I used to read a now defunct blog that either a pyschiatrist or a doctor of pyschology wrote diagnosing all of the housewives. I wish I could remember the site but it was a facinating read, seeing a specialist break each on of them down.
Aviva is an asshole and her anxiety issue is secondary. You are a great girl and your issues are secondary. That’s the difference.
Aviva Drescher @AvivaDrescher
@TamaraTattle Thanx Tamara! The good news is you are not “crazy”.No one has ever gone “crazy” from a panic attack. U just feel like hell. Xo
1:58 PM – 17 Oct 12 · Details
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So glad I made my declaration of love previous to this post. Still stand by it. Still here. 🙂
Tamara (pulled it out to 4 syllables that time), how are you feeling???
(In case y’all didn’t see her tweets, Tamara is not feeling so great)
Like dog doo. Still not sure if this is tooth abcess causing sinus pain or sinus infection causing tooth pain. Whatever it is, I’m on huge amounts of antibiotics. Pain is tolerable but I have a fever and that drives me insane. And today I have to go to a wedding. I am not wedding ready. Hinted to someone yesterday I might not be able to make it and that concept was immediately dismissed as unacceptable. So somehow I have to do the full on dog and pony show for an early evening extravaganza. Tons of extended family and other peoples exes and … well send thoughts and prayers. I also can’t chew and the food is supposed to be fabulous. 🙁 I do want to see everyone, but I just wish I felt better. I’m sure it will be lovely and that will make me feel better.
Sending positive thoughts, prayers,and telepathic pain meds your way…You are a gem Tam, and I like, crazy and all. Come to think of it, your brand of crazy IS why I like you. Hang in there, it’ll be over soon.
Be careful with the booze! No food, antibiotics and fever makes drinking scary!!
As much as I loves me free top shelf booze, I will not be drinking. I NEED these antibiotics to work.
I appreciate people who know exactly who they are and not afraid of having a voice. Your blog is the first and only blog i have bookmarked on my phone.
Hi Tam!
I hope all went well at the weddding on Friday, and you had a good time
I get it now