Hey Everyone! It’s me Heather. I’m a bit earlier with Teresa’s blog this week because we are going to try something new. This week Tre wants to try to write a bit for herself and I am going to try not to edit it that much. After being outed on TV now even the casual viewer, like Anderson Cooper, knows Teresa’s doesn’t write her own blogs. I’m sure this was not shocking news to you guys who read me each week. I mean come on, I have a degree from Princeton University in English Literature. So while I did live in Jersey for my college years, Tre and I are not exactly of the same ilk. If you catch my drift. So I have to try to ghost write this blog while trying really hard this week not to make it look like it is ghost written. Did I mention I used to work at Disney? That’s sometimes helpful when writing about this childishness. You may have noticed I referenced lots of kids stuff lately, movies and books. The Alice and Wonderland was rather brilliant if I do say so myself. It was however totally lost on most of you. I’m going to try to pull off the unbelievable this week with a reference to the Judy Blume book, Blubber in an effort to make Teresa look better. Ready? Here we go. I’m going to try to keep it short this week.
Okay, I’m already scraping the idea of letting Tre write. The new plan is to write as little as possible and focus on talking about others. I’ll start by addressing the aspect of everyone ganging up on Teresa. That’s an angle of which the Tre Huggers never tire. Teresa the innocent victim of bullying. Perhaps that will be my theme. A few words about how the others all gather up information and illegal recordings and such all year long. A few words about how Tre is above all that. I wish I could point out that Tre can’t really research as a form of counter-intelligence if she wanted to, but that would be counterproductive. I’ll focus on Tre being the embattled party and how she maintains her composure through a very long day of reunion taping. I know Tre wants me to call them bitches and liars, but I think a more indirect wording might be best. Although maintaining a certain level of decorum will appear to some as further evidence I am writing this blog for Tre, I think it is in her best interest. Also, I need to briefly mention the napalm thing. Perhaps something about how Tre is really good at using spellcheck. I’ll have to get back to that one.
I think I can get a couple of pages about this lap band surgery that Lauren had. I’ve been working on a project with HBO called The Weight of the Nation. It’s a four-part documentary about obesity and young people in particular who are obese. It’s my real job at the moment and that is why Tre suddenly seems to be an expert on lap bands. At least I know she is listening to me. I’m going to make a dig or two a Caroline for supposedly hiding her own tummy tuck from the viewers, and explain why Lauren was too young for a lap band and then I still have to get her out of the napalm incident. I should have know better than to use that word. But honestly, you try writing in Teresa’s “dialect” and tell me you don’t think I deserve a raise. It’s impossible. And if she wanted a blog in her voice, she could, maybe, with a lot of editing, do that herself.
Now don’t laugh, but there are only two of these left and I’d like to have some fun here. I am going to say that Teresa was exposed to the word ‘napalm’ for the first time when John Mayer said that Jessica Simpson was like sexual napalm to him. Sure it means she reads the tabloids. Or reads at all. But, I decided long ago I could not write this blog without conceding some amount of literacy to Tre. I’m going to blow my cover pretty bad here, because I plan to say that Tre knows not just what napalm is, but that it has a sticky, clingy consistency. Based on her open mouth blank stare whenever that lap band chick asked Tre to define it, it’s clear she thinks it is some sort of lip balm. I’m just glad she didn’t offer any sort of answer. That would have been disastrous.
The best way I can figure to get Tre out of this Blubber comment is to say she was thinking about the book by Judy Blume. I have an issue right there with Tre thinking about books. It’s also a book for middle schoolers. Maybe I can make it look like Gia is reading it for school. I can say Tre was talking to some other mothers about children’s literature the other day in the school pick-up line. Okay way too far. I will say that she was at the reunion and she was remembering a conversation she had with a friend last year about a book for middle-schoolers. I’ll mention it’s a book about bullying and that will be that. No one is going to buy this one anyway. I am so damn tired of writing this blog every week. I have to spend so much time on the phone with Tre getting me caught up on where we are in the soap opera that is her life. It’s ridiculous.
*If you need it pointed out to you, and some of you do, this blog was not written by Heather Maclean (I can’t afford her). She’s never heard of me and I’ve never spoken to her. This is a fictional piece on what I suppose goes on in Heather’s mind whenever tasked to write Teresa’s blog each week. Allegedly.