Category Archives: Vanderpump Rules

Vanderpump Rules Recap: The Bitch Is Back

There were some faults with the radiators last week, but EVERYONE is secured now.

There were some faults with the radiators, but EVERYONE is secured now.

Xanadude, Guest Contributor

The bitch is back. (It’s like he doesn’t even read my recaps!)  I don’t mean Stassi.  I mean me.  After a week long reprieve from the radiator, I’m back at my post and ready to talk some Vanderpump Rules.

But first – couple of random things from last week, which was recapped wonderfully by our Mistress of the Malcontents, Tamara Tattles – James committed one of the most cardinal of cardinal sins in my eyes, which was to wear a shirt with no sleeves to the dinner table.  Seriously, it’s gross.  No one wants your hairy pits in their face while they’re eating.  Wear a damn shirt with sleeves.  Second, Lala gets massive points for being able to function in those HUGE hoop earrings.  Lastly, just when you think Scheana is a horrible self centered narcissist, here comes Stassi to remind you what a true horrid self centered narcissist looks like.  Scheana immediately gains both credibility and likeability simply by being on the same show with Stassi.

Which brings me to the giant elephant in the room: Stassi.   Here’s the thing – one of the reasons I love VPR is because the cast, no matter how unlikeable and immature, are in many ways relatable and, more importantly, redeemable.  Even James.   They all have some spark of humanity in them, and, hopefully, like all of us, they will wake up one day in their mid 30s (or, for Jax, his mid 50s) and realize that, this, was indeed, a small stupid period of their lives and they are ready to grow up, put down the booze, get a real job, and “adult.” Stassi, however, I have no such hope for.  I think she is just irredeemable to her core.  On a DNA level.   If you put a sample of her DNA in a petri dish, with other people’s samples, it will arrogantly slither to the center of the petri dish and look for the microscope lens to preen into, while either knocking over or absorbing all the other little DNA samples on the route.   I’m going to gloss over Stassi parts because I don’t like spending time, even virtual time, around her.

Stassi is basically Farrah Abraham with better birth control.

Continue reading

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WWHL With Ariana Madix and Tom Sandoval

WWHL with Ariana and Sandoval

 

Ho Hum… Really Andrew? Ariana and Sandoval? Okay. Let’s see what happens.

Andy shames Scheana for thrusting Shay in front of alcohol and telling Shay not to be a bore. Ariana seems to think that Shay’s drinking was not a problem because there are people on the show that drink a lot more. Because if you drink less than the #PumpRules cast, you clearly don’t have a problem. At least that is what the #PumpRules cast tells themselves.

Andy says that everyone with a brain in their head and some who have no brains love Kristen now, and they are like, oh no, Kristen is Satan. And while Ariana looks amazing, Sandoval is turning into.. well… the picture doesn’t do his hair justice. It’s even worse with the long greasy off to one side thing. It’s sort of Nene Leakes in the sense that it is an asymmetrical mistake. Continue reading

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Vanderpump Rules Recap: The Bitch Is Back

Pump rules hawaii

 

Your usual recapper for Vanderpump Rules, Xanadude, put in for some for vacation time which I begrudgingly granted and he is off with El Spouso. who is a having a milestone birthday!  I’ve already heard from the happy couple who are having lots of fun without us.  Meanwhile, I got slammed with two late breaking stories (Peter Thomas is about to get arrested and Kenya Moore’s Birthday party was very interesting) and I am late getting started. This only makes my performance anxiety worse, as Xanadude does such a fabulous job.  Sadly, I am going to go for fast over good as usual, because the faster the post, the more readers the post gets. So here we go. We are back in Hawaii and the show will end with the kids finding out Jax got arrested. Okay, let’s do this fast and dirty recap!

We start with Jax lying about lying. Which is hysterical especially since Britanny believes him when he says things like, “sure I cheated on all my other girlfriends but you are different.” Britanny is still, to this day, dating Jax because she says she has no reason not to trust him. This reminded me of a commenter who said something similar about Phaedra Parks this week. It really makes my head spin. Another commenter said something wise about people not finding the truth because they aren’t looking for it. Brittany seems to be going through this relationship with her eyes closed.  Jax has said on camera several times how much he wants to fuck Lala. Britanny calls that “flirting.”  Jax smirks when Britanny says, “I just want you to be honest with me.” Delusional, party of one, your table is ready. Continue reading

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WWHL With Jax Taylor

WWHL Jax

No traditional recap for WWHL this time. But here is what you need to know:

  • Michelle Collins, the supertall comedian from The View was on. She is not a fan of Jax or James but she is a Bravo superfan
  • The  bartender was a very convincing drag queen dressed as Raven Simone. Every time The View is mentioned on WWHL lately shady Andy just loves to bring up the fact that there is (was months ago) a petition to get Raven Simone kicked off the show
  • Jax informs us that the suntan lotion bottles and tampons were actually flasks they sold in Hawaii to smuggle alcohol onto the beach.  Michelle explains that vodka soaked tampons would be easier. Something tells me that Jax and the Toms are no strange to that trick.
  • Jax apologized on behalf of the Pump Rules cast on behalf of Lala and James and their behavior on WWHL.  Jax doesn’t care about their spurious allegations about him.
  • Jax says that Britanny is pissed about what she saw on the show tonight but they are still together “thank God.”
  • Jax and Kristen are still good friends
  • They showed a still shot of Jax on the toilet. The seat was clearly down.

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Vanderpump Rules Recap Hawaii: Nipples, Nipples, Nipples!

Pump rules hawaii

 

by  Guest Contributor Xanadude

Discussion topic for later:  Is VPR “the best days of our lives,” as proclaimed in the theme song, or a “brief, stupid moment in our lives,” as stated by Kristen? Take out your number two pencils, open your blue book, and remember to show your work!

On to our recap:

The Hawaii contingent has landed, and based on their behavior at the airport and on the plane, SURvers are those people you don’t want to sit next to on the plane.  Jax plays grab ass before the flight, but since all asses look the same to Jax (it’s like ass autism), he grabs Katie’s instead of Kentucky Brittany’s.  Katie doesn’t care, though, as it’s the most action she’s had in a while – she and Schwartz have not had sex since the engagement (remember the failed drunken attempt after the engagement party?) and she’s beginning to get cranky.  Schwartz later says that they are just saving it up for the wedding night, when they can just “splurge,” before catching himself and realizing what that sounds like.  On the plane, James and Lala make out.  James wants to join the Mile High Club.  Lala shoots him down.

Once in Hawaii, Jax says the perfect vacation would be Drinks, Steaks, and Blow Jobs.  On this trip, the couples are rooming together, except for Faith and Lala (who are sharing a bed) and Max and James (we aren’t shown if Max has separate accommodations from James). Continue reading

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Vanderpump Rules Vacation Bingo!

Pump Rules Jax San Diego hungover

 

FUN! by Xanadude!

In anticipation of tonight’s VPR trip to Hawaii, your humble contributing writer has put together the annual Vanderpump Rules Vacation Bingo Card and or checklist! Play along at home, and once you’ve completed the list reward yourself with your favorite adult beverage!

There are two ways to play.

Option One: To make your custom Bingo card, (1) go to myfreebingocards.com (2)Choose Free Custom Bingo Card Generator (3) Set the grid size to 4×4 (4)  type in the official checklist below, but BE SURE TO RANDOMIZE THE LIST so we don’t all have the same card!  Once you see the card you like, you can right click and save as a photo and print it out.

Option Two:  Just print out the checklist and check off each predicted event when it happens! Continue reading

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