Category Archives: Vanderpump Rules

Vanderpump Rules Recap: PUMP’s First Gay Pride

Pump Rules Pride

Stassi is such a cuntsicle. Sorry for the lack of introductory commentary but MY GOD this woman is vile. She’s basically telling Katie to tell Schwartz to dump his friends for her, when Schwartz walks in with flowers and Stassi lays into him. I am thinking Katie should just nailgun Stassi to the wall at this point and be done with her. It’s not like anyone would come looking for her. Sorry that was harsh but good LORD.  Why doesn’ anyone want to be around Stassi?

Katie wants to go in on Schwartz for Jax screaming at her and saying vile things and for him not defending her. Stassi calls Katie a lesbian for dating Schwartz. I guess that makes Stassi the gay top in her relationship. I can’t imagine her man being anything but a little pussy boy. Who else would want to be with Stassi? Seriously? I can’t imagine a scenario where a man says, “Ya know what? I’d like to be emasculated and ridiculed by the chick….” Oh wait. I actually can. It’s all becoming clearer now. Nevermind..

Wait. They are at Stassi’s house? Why is Schwartz showing up at Stassi’s house to bring Katie flowers? I agree with the commenter from last week who said Schwartz is likely a trust fund baby that Katie doesn’t want to lose. Continue reading

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WWHL With Stassi Schroeder and Todd Chrisley

WWHL Stassi and Todd

Todd is already irritating me by his lack of love for Kristen.

Stassi has finally gotten a job of sorts. She has put her name on a line of statement necklaces.  She apparently doesn’t wear them herself as Andy has pointed out.

We are half way through the show and there has been nothing to report.

A caller called in and asked Stassi, “What is going on with your fashion sense tonight? You’re like an old lady with shoulder pads on!” Stassi says she looks fab tonight. She doesn’t. The dress is fugly.

Andy played a game where every time they got an answer wrong (which was a lot) she had watch romantic clips of her with Jax.

Kristen tweeted in a Haiku for Stassi

I’m truly sorry.
Olive branches slowly grow.
Grapes become Sauv Blanc.

Poll Question: Should Katie and Schwartz break up? No 53%

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Vanderpump Rules: Once a Cheater…

Pump Rules Full Cast

Last week on this intellectual drama, we explored the deep and thought-provoking question, “Did Katie cheat on Schwartz?” We also delved a bit into Schwartz’s work ethic or lack thereof. This week our intellectual exploration continues as we delve into the life altering question, “Did Schwartz cheat on Katie?”  If we’ve learned anything thing from history, we can rest assured that the answer to this question is “yes.” Yes he did. But, will we get an answer tonight or will we have to watch sixteen more episodes for him to come clean?

For some unfathomable reason, Schwartz has been called in to PUMP to work an event. Scheana, and Katie sit around and trash talk Jax in front of Schwartz. Schwartz says Jax is not that bad.

Meanwhile Kristen and Scheana trash talk Katie and Schwartz. Kristen says they are delusional about their relationship. I feel myself getting smarter watching this show already. Kristen is hurt that Katie doesn’t love her anymore. I mean all she did was tell Schwartz that Katie is a skeevy cheating whore. Kristen wants to meet up with Stassi.

PUMP is doing an event for 50 gay mayors and their 300 closest friends. So that they can all fly in from wherever and um, come together. Continue reading

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Did Katie Cheat of Schwartz or Not?

Pump Rules Full Cast

So on last night’s Vanderpump Rules,  Jax and Scheana  were adamant that Katie had made out with a random guy in a bar and stated repeatedly that she has “motorboated his crotch!” They were eye witnesses. It was the dramatic storyline ! It will be a storyline next week! But now, it seems from the Bravo blogs that it was all a big misunderstanding?  Because there is a good explanation for how Katie’s face ended up in some dude’s crotch. She was taking her shoes off. Because that makes perfect sense. No wait it makes no sense at all.  Let’s start with Scheana’s backpedaling.

Scheana now says it was nothing?

Moving on, I would like to sincerely apologize to Katie. Yes, several months ago we were all at a club and saw what looked like “inappropriate behavior.” I never once said she cheated. I said what I saw. After talking to Katie about it, I realize that it wasn’t what it seemed. When she bent down to take her shoes off, her head was in that region. Also, in her drunken state when she was dancing shaking her head back and forth it definitely looked like she was “motorboating” this guy. I never brought it up to Schwartz (or Katie even) because it wasn’t that big of a deal. She was drunk and having fun with her girlfriend and one of her friends. It looked shady, I saw it, and I moved on with my life. Jax and I would make jokes about it all the time because it was funny at the time when we came up with the “motorboating a D” reference. I didn’t want to make a big deal of it. Jax blew it way out of proportion and kept calling Katie a cheater. She DID NOT cheat. . .I simply felt like she crossed the line. Schwartz doesn’t care so no one else should either. They had a rough summer with their relationship, and I apologize for any part, small or large, I may have had in that. Continue reading

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Vanderpump Rules Recap: How Does One Motorboat Someone’s Dick in Public?

James and Kristen... Perfectly normal.

James and Kristen… Perfectly normal.

Oooops sorry off to a very late start. Weird day.  Let’s do this!

Tom Schwartz wants a dog?  Tom Schwartz can’t even take care of himself. I barely go anywhere and having a dog is an issue. This is a stupid idea. Oh he is getting one with Katie to keep her from dumping him for being a deadbeat who doesn’t want to marry her. I’m not sure if the dog he chooses is a rescue or a puppy mill dog. Update, it’s a store bought dog. It was a weird scene.  Update, now it’s a rescue dog. It is totally working on Katie.

Bravo seems to think the show can’t go on without Stassi. My opinion differs.  I’m not interested enough in her scenes to recap. Lisa has a cover shoot for a gay magazine.

Jax gets his nose splint off. It was too gross to watch. Just like Stassi. His nose seems massive. Jax and Gay Tom talk about how hot the male doctor is while reassuring each other they are not gay. Continue reading

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Lisa Vanderpump Shares Her Views on Vanderpump Rules

Lisa Pumo Rules Sur

Lisa Vanderpump’s Vlog on Vanderpump Rules this week is..amusing.

Hi. I’m Lisa Vanderpump and welcome to my video blog.

Why do you keep saying this? IDGI

I have a panic attack every time I go into the building site and see what I have to accomplish.

No. No you do not. You get overwhelmed at the thought of building a new business. That is not a panic attack. If you had ever had a panic attack you would not make such patently stupid statements about them.

Life is about overcoming your panic attacks, not running away from them. I really feel for Katie when I see this interaction between her and Schwartz, because it’s not just about the job. It’s about the fact that maybe he’s never going to grow up, and he’s never going to commit to anything. And I think this was really a moment of realization for her.

Come now, he seems pretty committed to Jax.  Speaking of Jax, why do you overlook all of his character flaws? Continue reading

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Vanderpump Rules Recap: Jax Nose Best, Peter’s Nose is Up Stassi’s Ass

Pump Rules Full Cast

I’m sort of looking forward to recapping the episode of that show where all the men are gay and everyone, including their girlfriends, pretend not to notice. Because all of the trial and news junkie stuff is getting old fast. So the two Toms and Jax are off to the salon for mani/pedis and eyebrow threading as hetero males often do with their buddies. Gay Tom has very specific directions for his threading lady.

Ariana tells Stassi about Kristen coming over to get the cable box. Because this is the Kristen show. If I drank every time someone said Kristen I’d be drunk before the first commercial break. Stassi says that Kristen is terrorizing Ariana. Stassi says if she was still running SUR she would not allow it. Sorry Stassi. It’s Kristen’s restaurant and you are just there eating her goat balls.

Tom Schwartz “had a panic attack” and walked off the job at SUR on opening night after 30 minutes. Katie points out that even Jax can bartend. Katie says that Schwartz has embarrassed her. Katie says his lack of work ethic is an issue.

Jax gets his nose job. He really did need one. We are in the operating room. I DO NOT NEED TO SEE THAT. No, mam. Jax is so high on the anesthesia he is talking crazy. He fondles the nurse and tells her he loves her. Continue reading

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Vanderpump Rules: Grand Opening and Closure (Recap)

Pump Rules Cast CasualI feel sort of bad for still liking Lisa Vanderpump after learning about the court cases at Villa Blanca, but I can’t help myself. I mean I keep taking Andy Cohen back after his crappy behavior and he doesn’t even have the posh accent or the fancy closet. So I am just going to pretend like I don’t know about and enjoy the show. Besides, PUMP’s grand opening is tonight and I think it’s going to be spectacular and full of drama.

I’m already laughing at my girl Kristen, she just wants Tom out of her life, y’all! How can you not love this girl? The delusions are amazeballs! She and James and some other douche are whining about Lisa’s punishment. I’m sure Kristen is used to being suspended but the poor British fucktoy is devastated he is no longer a dishwasher. Wait, isn’t he supposed to be a big time DJ making huge bank? Why is he crying about losing a dishwasher job? And who is the other doucheface?

Likewise, apparently Stassi doesn’t know how to block Scheana on Twitter. She can’t avoid seeing her on Twitter, or like you know when she shows up at Scheana’s workplace. Every time she goes to Scheana’s job, the bitch is there and it pisses her off!

Jax goes to his therapist and tries to relate the whole he got dumped while dumping someone story. My audio keeps cutting out. Jax says he broke Stassi’s heart. Really? Are we going to go through this again?

The two Toms go to workout and flirt with each other. Somehow their flirting involves talking about having sex with their female partners. It seems to work for them though. Continue reading

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Vanderpump Rules Cast Discuss The Season So Far

Pump Rules Kristen

Those crazy kids from Vanderpump Rules are blogging. And let’s just say no one has a ghost writer.  That explains why Jax doesn’t have one. Lisa Vanderpump and Tom Sandoval both Vlogged and I didn’t even watch I just read the transcripts. Mostly because I am binging on True Tori and eating all the chocolate I bought at the Dollar Store yesterday. I normally don’t buy crap but it’s like part of my brain new the hormomalbitchiness was on the horizon and chocolate would be mandatory.  Did I mention I am having a meltdown on Twitter? That sound you hear is a bunch of people unfollowing me. #Pussies

Anyway, I read all the Vanderpumpies blogs so you don’t have to. You’re welcome. There is not much to see, but I didn’t want all that time to go wasted. I’d also like to remind you that Kristen Doute is the star of this shit show. I love her.

Click through for some selected quotes. Continue reading

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WWHL With Vanderpump Rules Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix

WWHL Tom and Ariana

It’s time for WWHL Live with Tom Sandoval and his lovely beard, Ariana Madix! FYI, in case you missed Tom’s previous appearances on WWHL, Andy has a major hard-on for Sandoval. Tom is in some sort of skinny legged shiny green patterned suit. Andy begins by ribbing Tom for wearing Ariana’s full duster length sweater on the show. Ariana admits that he wears her clothes. Andy also comments on the tight green suit.

Andy begins by showing a remix of Tom’s weepy video and the fight. I was hoping for a full version of the video. Andy asks if he regrets making the video. Tom says yes, he feels like David Hasselhoff. He was upset because so much happened including Shay’s Dad getting pushed into the fight.

Andy plays a montage of my people hating on my girl Kristen. They be some jealous haters up on that show. Then an even better clip called How to Get Dumped While You’re Breaking Up With Someone. The title alone cracks me up. Continue reading

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Vanderpump Rules Recap: All Fired Up!

Pump Rules Tom, James Kristen

 

Tonight on Vanderpump Rules, we return to the scene of the fight between Tom and James. By the way, Kristen may be my favorite crazy person on any reality show ever. I get she has a mental illness but she’s fun crazy, like mmm…other people I know.  Anyway, these boys fight like girls. Kristen decides to wallop Schwartz for no reason. Scheana is drunk and doesn’t know why her foot is cut open. Glass is flying but punches are not. Piss poor excuse for a fight especially over a girl. Kristen should stay out of it and enjoy the fruits of her labor. But no, she lands the best hit. Vanderpump is not going to like this. Drunk Scheana, Lisa’s pet needs stitches. She never got off her barstool. She was in the hospital until 6 am.

Sandoval’s apartment is almost as nasty as this house. In my defense I did do dishes all day today. Anyway, Gay Tom is upset because Gay James kicked his ass in a slap fight. I guess that is pretty sad. I mean why does Kristen date gay men? Oh and the slap fight was sad too. Ariana is starting to wonder if Gay Tom did cheat on her. Thankfully, Tom has a wide variety of concealer to cover his facial wounds. Because, gay.

Jax goes to a tatt place to get his Stassi tattoo covered up. Holy hell! He also got a Carmen tattoo! And he’s dating another girl named Tiffany. Please tell me we are being Jaxed and the Carmen one is henna. Because, really Jax? Schwartz is a bit tired of having Stassi in his apartment. I can only imagine. He’s also worried he will not get his job at Pump because he jumped into the fight at Scheana’s birthday party. Schwatz gets advice from Stassi on how to speak to Lisa. Stassi says she is “the Lisa whisperer.” Schwartz is afraid of the Pump. Continue reading

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VanderPump Rules: Instafight Season Premiere Recap

Pump Rules

Okay. Time to try to forget all the reasons not to like Lisa Vanderpump and enjoy the premiere of Vanderpump Rules! Jax claims he is a new man in the best place in his life he has ever been. He just has to be careful not to screw it up because that is a pattern with him. Kristen is still in love with Tom, but screwing the dishwasher whose name I’ve already forgotten. Do you think I will need to know it? Tom had never had a connection with anyone like has with Ariana. Didn’t he say that about Kristen last season?  Scheana got a very long tattoo all the way down her forearm that says, “It’s all happening.” She’s getting married. Life is a dream now that Stassi is gone.  Drunk Katie is insulted that everyone thinks she drinks too much tequila. Scheana is inviting everyone to her birthday. Katie is being a bitch in her very first scene. It’s all coming back to me.

Jax and Tom are bartending together. They have now made up. Jax feels like Tom is better off as a result him sleeping with his girlfriend Kristen. Now he has a better girlfriend. He kinda right, but that is something you should not admit out loud. On TV.

Speaking of crazy, Kristen is spreading rumors that Tom went to Miami and cheated on Ariana. Apparently the chick that he cheated with gushed about it on Instagram.  Apparently, Kristen spends her life googling Tom and saw the post (can you really talk about much on Instagram? I thought is was mostly pictures of penises and what you had for lunch (assuming those are two different things) ? Anyway she contacted the girl and her description (of his penis???) was just “too damn specific not to be true.” So we are not wasting anytime getting into the drama. YAY! And Kristen is crazier than ever! Double Yay! Continue reading

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