Help me Jesus! I’ve got nearly three thousand words under my belt tonight alone from this misogynisitic horror that is Real Housewives of Orange County. And now, another half an hour of crap to be spewed from Tamra and Shannon! Mon Dieu! Il est trop lourd à porter! Such a heavy burden to carry! I will try to be brief.
Right off the bat Andy calls Shannon, Kelly during the intro. I can already tell everyone is drunk. Including me. I didn’t eat today. Andy gives the two twats an official couple name, “Shamra” and they are whooping it up while Andy continues to try to get through the cold open.
They threesome immediately starts talking about the recent reunion that just filmed. FTR it was the Cunts de Trois on the left couch and Vicki, Kelly and Meghan on the other couch. If the seating chart floating around the Internet was the one they used then Shannon was next to Andy on the couch of evil with Heather at the end. GASP! So wrong but so right. Vicki was to Andrew’s left with Meghan on the end to stay out of the line of fire. Tamra and Shannon say they thought it could have been so much worse. Tamra and Vicki have been exchanging subtle anonymous shade on IG ever since.
Tamra’s outfit is pretty. I am a huge fan of black and white. It would be a great outfit for a transgender to wear shortly after a tracheal shave. What? I’m just saying. The drummer from Quiet Riot is the bartender. Terry Dubrow’s brother was in that band so he actually watches. Shannon looks like a cow.
Cunt De Trois At Tamra’s Competition
In case you missed PART ONE THE BUS RIDE, you really need to read that first. Heather Dubrow got wasted, lost all her inhibitions and showed her true vile self on international TV. She was pure evil. We are now back on American soil. I wonder if they were allowed to fly first in that condition. They didn’t show the long flight home.
Shannon points at us and says, “Vicki, if your intention was to be cruel, mission accomplished.” Shannon is of course clueless that it was her relentless attempts to set up Kelly that continued to backfire on her and cause this entire shit storm. It all started at her Mrs. Roper party where her husband got aggressive with Vicki, while she was throwing Kelly to the lions. Totally Shannon’s fault.
Tamra drops by Shannon at her new house where presumably David hasn’t screwed or hit anyone yet to trash Vicki. These two masterminds can’t figure out why Eddie and David don’t care what Vicki said. They tell each other that Vicki is “making things up” because Vicki “thinks” they went after her man all last season. They did. They did a full blown investigation about Brooks. But that was okay because they felt they were right about him. So if Eddie is on TMZ next week in a compromising position with a guy, or a woman comes forward to say they’ve had an affair for years, or the police reports on David’s criminal history get posted all over creation again, then Vicki should be absolved as well.
I really can’t believe there is more, and supposedly even worse dram to come on this bus. Heather seems to think that there is something that Kelly can do at this point to justify the horrific, cunty, bullying from last week and that she will somehow come off looking much better this episode.
Nevertheless, we’re in this mess now, and we have to see how it ends I suppose. In other news, Tamra supposed leaked photos of Vicki’s boobs on to the Internet. They’re really not that wonky.
So we start with drunk Heather. We don’t see much drunk Heather on the show, but everyone except Kelly and Meghan are drunk as hell on this shuttle ride. Drunk Heather’s true elitist condescension is spewing out of her like water out of a fire hydrant as she calls Kelly trash over and over again. Vicki finally says, “Let’s be quiet. It’s three a.m.” It’s not much but it is something. In her confessional, Meghan says she wants to stand up for Kelly but she has no idea what has been happening because she’s been on her own sober, pregnant lady tour of Ireland blissfully unaware of most of it.
Once again, I am confused by the editing. Suddenly, Shannon pops off at Vicki and I guess blaming her for being Kelly’s friend. Then she says that Vicki said bad things about her too. Vicki says the only thing she said was she doesn’t like it when Kelly drinks and gets angry. Kelly points out she hasn’t had a thing to drink and I think sort of misunderstands Vicki and gets angry at her as well. So then she drops THE BIG SECRET VICKI HAD ON SHANNON. She says that Vicki said that David beats the shit out of her, and “it’s all out there!” Well of course it is all out there. We talked about it here. Shannon can deny it all she wants in her confessional but it was all in the tabloids and it is public record that David had a domestic violence charge against Shannon and at least one if not two DUIs. Heather jumps up goes toward Shannon with her bony ass finger jabbing the air and Shannon is crying hysterically yelling at Kelly. Vicki looks deflated because she knows it is true and she told Kelly.
I can’t believe I am even going to discuss the horrendous episode of RHOOC again. But I was dying to see how the women would spin their horrendous behavior. Interestingly, neither Heather nor Vicki have a put up a blog at all. Shannon is the one with the most to say.
Here are the low-lights…
But what is most distressing about Kelly’s blog is her statement that Tamra hit her. Tamra did no such thing. She pushed Kelly and quickly walked away.
She shoved Kelly and slapped a phone out of the producers hand who was trying to film. That’s two attacks.
I was a bit shocked with Kelly’s reaction to Heather opening a champagne bottle and bringing Fireball. We all have a history with Fireball. Kelly didn’t drink at our picnic and neither did I.
Heather has never taken a sip of fireball in her life. Nor has she ever carried a flask of liquor to any filming ever. It was a set up. And it failed.
Heather is such a horrible person. I have a headache from trying to stop crying. I am not sure I can spend another thirty minutes with her. I can’t handle watching bullies. I don’t use the term loosely. Every woman on that bus allowed the bullying. Meghan may get the pregnancy pass for being a bystander allowing it to go on, but she could have stopped it. Vicki gets no pass from me. She could have stopped it. I am going to try to make this the shortest recap ever because I don’t even want to hear Heather apologize or worse yet make excuses, but some of my readers don’t have access to this show, So here I go.
The bitch starts by once again bashing the restaurant in Orange County. There are many lovely ones on the beach that are quite fancy pants. There is a great gastropub, Sidebar, in Corona Del Mar where the locals with no sticks up their ass go regularly. Sidenote, I held my first and only black Amex there once, the waitstaff brought me the wrong Amex Card back and I nearly passed out at what was in my check holder! I was so worried I was going to be accused of stealing it! But it all worked out fine because people there are nice and nothing like what we see on TV.
The bitch says that her husband said he would realign Vicki’s nipples if she came on Botched.
I seem to have blacked out on last week’s episode. I probably should have gone back to read it again to refresh my memory because we are starting with Heather, dressed and ready to roll calling Vicki who is still in bed. Apparently, the night before, Shannon and Vicki went out drinking alone together and they are friends again. In fact, when they made up, Shannon wanted to French kiss Vicki who even in her drunkeness was able to let her know that was a bit much. Vicki seems to think things are all patched up between Shannon and her. Oh, okay this was after Vicki was humping the river dancers. I remember now.
Meghan and Kelly are going to Greystones to search for Meghan’s relatives while the other four ladies go to milk cows. They will do this by accosting people who walk by looking for some O’Tooles. Because Meghan doesn’t understand hyperbole. These two randomly bothering people is going over about as well as those guys that try to pass out glossy cards advertising prostitutes in Vegas. I actually took a couple of those on my first trip. #FreeSouvenirs
The other women were supposedly not told they would be milking cows and Tamra in particular was not happy about it. Not surprisingly, Vicki is the first one to step on a cow patty which causes an instant freak out and causes her to hug the cute Irish farmer. The farmer asks them all to “tug out” or something similar. Which apparently means put some gear on. Heather says, “that sounds like something boys do.” You know how I mix up names a lot? I know you must be thinking I did it again, but that was really Heather, Miss Prim and Proper.
You can see that hazmat type gear above. This should have been the first warning for the ladies. The farmer says that the cows could pee or defecate so the suit is for their protection. Only one person completed the task, I think it was Heather. Heather also talked about how the milking machines were “not sexy in the S & M way” and it was more like “fifty shades of cow.” Why is Heather so sexual this episode?