Category Archives: Elsa Patton

Real Housewives of Miami Reunion Part 2 Recap

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We are back where we left off on Tuesday with Lisa pissed off and hiking up her fake boobies to prepare for round two with Joanna. Lisa is mad that Joanna’s make-up artist called her all kinds of names, including whore.  Joanna seems to be implying that the reason Lisa can’t get pregnant is because she “parties too much.” So I was thinking drinking. But Lisa herself seems to defending herself against something more serious, yet unspoken. Interesting.

Lisa and Joanna apparently spoke on the phone the night before the reunion and promised each other not to hit below the belt. In other words, don’t go there. Alexia points out how ridiculous it is to call each other and get your stories straight before the reunion. Then Lisa pops out with, “What happened to that necklace that Romain bought you last season?” Joanna says she traded it in for a smaller diamond. (huh? who does that?) Lisa says it’s B.S. that it was a loaner for the show. Lisa has taken issue in the past with all of Lea’s loaners saying that Lenny has actually bought all of hers.

Lisa says she has heard that Joanna is a hooker. Andy says from who? I respond to Andy, “Um, the entire Internet? Including places that rate such services.” Joanna says she would love to meet whoever said that and Lisa says, “Oh you have met her, you are friends with her!” BOOM!  Adrianna pipes up to say that she had received a call from a Polish reporter… Joanna interjects, “Marta! Yes I know I am suing her right now!”….Adrianna continues that you (Joanna)  had been on several websites (I assume she is referring to porn sites) and that Joanna is an escort and a fraud in every way. The reporter says that Joanna’s home in L.A. is not owned by her but by a corporation. These houses and their homes owned by corporations. Continue reading

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Real Housewives of Miami Reunion Recap

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And here we go…. on to Real Housewives of Miami Reunion Part One Recap… Sofa King many posts today.  Lea has a shit ton of  borrowed diamonds on. Good for her for being able to borrow, go girl!  Andy goes gently with the RHOM. I can already tell he does not care. Way too much fashion talk. So many softball questions. What is it like living in a tourist destination. Lisa says nobody works. Lea is trying to back her up. Even softballs make the girls fight for attention.

More softball wedding stuff.  The hot Brazilian guy broke his arm at Joanna’s wedding. Joanna apparently has been trashing Adrianna’s wedding because she was SO LATE.  Andy says that looking back,  making your guests change twice and being incredibly late was disrespectful?  Everyone seems to agree and Adrianna (whose name Andy refuses to say correctly) is pissed. So Andy asked what Adrianna thought about Joanna’s dress. She said it reminded her of a Flamenco dress. YES! I did not think of that before!  Andy has now pitted bride against bride and it is working. Continue reading

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Real Housewives of Miami Two-Part Reunion Starts Tonight

RHOMMAMAHityouwithpocketbookBravo’s PR release for the Real Housewives of Miami Reunion today gives us the inside scoop on what to expect on the two-part reunion.  Here’s the tea…

NEW YORK – November 11, 2013 – Bravo Media’s “The Real Housewives of Miami”
reunites the ladies of season three to set the record straight on some of the
most talked about antics of the season . In part one, airing Monday, November 11
at 10pm ET/PT, Joanna’s and Lisa’s perfect friendship turns sour when Joanna
goes below the belt by blaming Lisa’s fertility issue on her partying lifestyle.
Alexia struggles to see both sides of the couch, but doesn’t hold anything back
when Lisa questions Alexia’s motives. While Adriana defends herself again and
again on her secret marriage, Lea continues to break Adriana’s olive branch. Continue reading

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Real Housewives of Miami Recap: It’s All About Lea!

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This episode is going to be all about Lea. Oh joy. Perhaps I should have watched The Blacklist  first.  Even worse the next scene is Joanna and Romain.  Romain’s mother makes a excuse to avoid the wedding. So does his father and brother.  Awesome. Later Bravo Romain sets up a series of surprises for Joanna: an  outdoor picnic where he tears up the prenup, and a day sail on a boat where he gives her a puppy.

Adrianna’s son is going to his first formal and she wants to chaperone. Bravo paid for a Rolls to Alex is going with a guy. They are very young. It’s probably just how they do in whatever grade he is in. Continue reading

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Real Housewives Of Miami Recap: Lisa Gets Drunk on a Birken And Loses Her Mind.

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Oh lord. RHOM starts with Joanna and Romain’s sex issues. OMG. I don’t like Joanna’s personality. But there is no denying she is young and pretty on the outside (great site btw, prettyontheoutside.com) and apparently quite sexual.  Perhaps the blowjobs could be the problem? Perhaps Romain can’t get it up? I dunno. But the two chicks talk over sushi (just sayin’) and Joanna asks Lisa to be a bridesmaid. And even Joanna can pronounce it correctly. I’m looking at you Nene for being less educated than Joanna.

It’s Alexia’s birthday and she is fabulous. She has yet to offer to send me some of her cast off sunglasses, but that doesn’t keep me from secretly hoping. I wonder if she ever has a garage sale? I would fly down just to try to score sunglasses. $99 RT on American. Not that I looked. Continue reading

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Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Mama Mia!

Original artwork By David Gilmore PrettyontheOutside.com

Original artwork By David Gilmore PrettyontheOutside.com

Tonight, MAMA ELSA comes back! Truly this is all I care about. This will probably be a short recap since (I know y’all are tired of hearing it and I am tired of saying it) I have felt like crap the last few days. Mostly just feverish and grumpy. :)  I have actually seen the first look where we spend way too much time getting the two brides together (with grooms in tow) to make up.  Joanna is not a very good fake crier. Her whole story about her mother seeing Adriana’s RT was bogus. I am sure her mother has seen worse.

I love that Lisa made Lenny do some lipo and that he is being a baby about it. I don’t understand how Lisa touching his shoulder is hurting Lenny’s lipo area. Also, if he is bleeding out as bad as Lisa claims he would need to go to the ER.  Hell, maybe he was bleeding that bad. Later they show him up and around and he looks HORRIBLE. Huge amounts of scary bruising and a big hole. Is that normal? Continue reading

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Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Why Won’t These Men Fuck Their Women?

RHOM3.2Tonight on Real Housewives of Miami, I love knowing that Karent is watching every week at her parents house wishing she was still on. Is that mean?

Romain takes Joanna to see their new house. She hates it. Until she sees it is on the water. The view is awesome. Romain refuses to sleep with her.

I can’t imagine Alexia going by Al. LOL I love boys names for girls but Alexia is such a Cuban Barbie.  They are meeting with a tarot card reader. I love this show. I also sort of believe in this. Shut up. The card reader says  Mama Elsa  is going to be fine but that some old woman around fifty has done black magic on her. LEA BLACK IS A BLACK WITCH!

Lea’s house design continues. Lisa is there looking for designers. Lisa looks for an excuse  to recap last week. Sigh. I hate these staged, sponsored scenes.  That said, I know that Adriana used Lea. I just kind of think it is funny. Continue reading

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Real Housewives of Miami Recap: These People REALLY Need to Get Laid

RHOM3.2Well, after that Debbie Downer of a Real Housewives of  OC reunion, I am hoping for some levity here. It’s been sort of a heavy duty day today. Can we please get to some random mocking of housewives?

Adrianna is standing in the rain outside of Lea’s house. Adrianna says that she has always been loyal to Lea, but now she is turning on her. They gave Adrianna subtitles to says “because of what Ana did to her” (I am assuming this is supposed to be a reference to Ana’s folder of information on Lea she pulled out at the reunion and we never got to see fully exposed. Send me that folder, Ana! :) )  It didn’t sound to me like that is what Adrianna said. Then we get yet ANOTHER Purveyors of Pop frankenbite where it looks like Adrianna says. “I told you not to engage with Ana!”  Which not only was not said but doesn’t even make any sense. Continue reading

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Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Bridezillas

real-housewives-of-miami-articleIt’s time for another episode of Real Housewives of Miami and I really do love this franchise. Even though we start out with Joanna and Romain talking about the wedding.  There is still animosity between Marta (who has moved to PA to live with her race car driver boyfriend) and Romain. Of course Marta will be the maid of honor but Romain wants to cause some drama about that because Marta knows he is a cheater and the marriage is a sham.  Whatever, Romain. Even for fake weddings, the groom has no say in who is the maid of honor.  Other topics of note: Joanna wants a slutty bridal gown (shocker!) and Romain wants a prenup (shocker!).

Marysol and Alexia are out jogging and they stop to talk about Mama Elsa. Marysol is having a hard time seeing her mother covered with life supporting hoses and contraptions. Alexia knows how hard this is because Frankie almost died and it was touch and go for so long. They bond over the issue.  I am distracted by their expensive sunglasses which I am not sure how I feel about. Alexia is just stunningly beautiful. She is prettier working out than when she gets all glammed up. Marysol too. Their workout stuff is really attractive. I’ll stop blabbering. I just love these women. Marysol says if it wasn’t for you I don’t think I could hold it together. Production used a frankenbite to insert “and Adriana” in there. Interesting edit. Continue reading

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The Real Housewives of Miami Are Back!

RHOM3And so am I!  I have resolved my Internet issues and have been waiting to watch the premiere until I could blog while watching. It’s FINALLY time!

We are down to five ladies this season which usually makes for a better show, but I would have much rather have had Ana and Marysol than Lea and that slutty Polish chick whose name escapes me.  Anyway, hey Bravo, where is the author credit for Lesley  Abravanel’s Miami Herald story on Adriana’s marriage?

Are Purveyors of Pop still producing this show? The production is MILES better than it used to be, fresh editing, fantastic musical choices, eye catching scenery, it’s very well done so far.

YAY! Anna and Marysol are there! Those two and Alexia and Lisa are waiting on Adriana to plan her “wedding.”  Ana and Lisa are already clashing. I understand why, but I hope Ana cuts Lisa some slack this season. Lisa is just very young and um, not as well-educated as Ana but I started to like Lisa last season and would like to see her with the fun girls and not the Polish chick and one with all the male criminal friends. Someone needs to look out for Lisa.  Lisa said that Adriana and Marq were the only ones who came to her (unfilmed) 30th birthday party. That said, Lisa is the first to confront Adriana when she arrives to the bridal salon about the fact that she has been married for five years (not to mention her storyline was fear of commitment). Continue reading

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Random Thoughts on Housewives

RHONYramonabidetI admit it. I’ve gotten lazy during this whole Jodi Arias Trial. All I really had to do was put up a daily update and sit back and wait for folks to show up and discuss it to death in the comments. I suspect that a lot of my sources are busy with the trial too because there hasn’t been that much housewives stuff reported to me. To carry on with my lazy reporting, I’m going to do a hodge-podge of housewives updates here. Hopefully, my housewives fans are still out there and haven’t completely given up on me!  Click through for the tea on RHONY, RHONJ, RHOM and RHOA. Continue reading

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Ana Quinococes Talks About the Real Housewives of Miami Reunion, Once More With Feeling

RHOManaandandyAna Quincoceses Bravo blog about the reunion is very enlightening. It’s well-known that Bravo likes to have a target at certain filming events and the reunion is never an exception. It seems this season, the target turned the tables. Sadly, the Purveyors of Pop are fans of people like Thomas Kramer and Joe Francis so they had the task of trying to save Lea’s behind with editing. I’d like a ten week special called Real Housewives of Miami reunion uncensored were they just run the thing as raw footage.

“Weeks before the reunion I started hearing that Lea was boasting about town that she was “coming after me at the reunion.” I was taken aback because we had never had much conflict. I knew she was upset about my defending Marysol but there was certainly no need for retaliation of that magnitude. There is a saying in Spanish, “Guerra avisada no mata soldados.” It means that when you announce a war ahead of time you don’t get to kill any soldiers. And so I prepared. This soldier would not go down without a fight. It didn’t take very long and I didn’t resort to unethical means or ultra-sleuthing to discover anything. It was all there for the taking to anyone who spent a few minutes researching. I tucked all my findings neatly into the now infamous file folder and hoped I wouldn’t have to use it.”

I’m curious what was in the folder. I assume it is how she met her husband. Her husbands rather heinous clients. The way she …shall we say wear the pants…in the family. Lord knows what else. Continue reading

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