Category Archives: Mauricio Umansky

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Secrets Revealed

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills 2014

Just when we though we could put this show to bed for the season, Bravo tacks on a “Secrets Revealed” episode. As we all know by now, there will be no secrets revealed. It’s just more reunion.

Kim says that she and Brandi “just click.” I am not sure she knows what that means. Those two have tried to kill each other since day one. We are treated to a scene where Kim is called in to help Brandi memorize her three lines for a Lifetime movie. Kim says that Brandi is no Meryl Streep. Brandi teaches Kim how to pole dance on the pole….in her bedroom.

Kyle has a clothing line coming out for HSN. Who doesn’t. She hired a coach to prepare her to sell the line. She suggests deodorant on her top lip. How much does she get paid for this nonsense? Continue reading

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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion Part 3:

RHOBH Reunion

So once again I am faced with the dilemma of how to recap this disastrous excuse for a reunion. I seriously doubt it will be anything more than what it was for the last two weeks only this time we will add a house husband or two.  I’m going to just list anything remotely interesting they say under their names below. Meanwhile I am twelve minutes in and would rather watch Nene Leakes do the rumba with a half nekkid man on repeat for an hour than watch this crap. Bring out the men. Give us something new! Anything except Brandi whining about Scheana (which is what this whole season has been about, Brandi’s jealousy of some waitress at a WeHo bar or Kyle continuing to bring up her husband’s infidelity over and over while begging no one else to mention it.

I think the next person that Yolanda tells to stay out of it should slap her upside the head! She is acting like someone moderating a debate on global warming. I’m cranky and I want her slapped! No sooner did I type this did Yolanda cut of Joyce and Joyce said, “You love to be the referee! You love to play director!” Yolanda does this snide laugh and says, “Did you hear what she said?” as if Joyce had said she had three heads.  Andy takes Yolanda’s side and goes back on my shit list. He is such a power hungry person. Yolanda can be as hideous as she wants he will never call her out because of David Foster. Continue reading

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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion Recap Part One

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills 2014Reunions are super hard to recap. I am going to try to avoid transcribing and just share some random thoughts on the over all fights. We start with the whole Puerto Rico situation. Everyone says that it was hard to relive the Puerto Rico.  Brandi says that she and Lisa have not spoken since Puerto Rico but that she did send Lisa a mean email.

Lisa points out that Brandi is all over the internet saying that Lisa used to live deep in the valley and filed for bankruptcy neither of which are true. Brandi’s reaction is to turn to Kyle for backup. Lisa says she has never lived in Calabasas. She moved from France to Beverly Park.  Brandi paid $9.99 to look it up on an Internet site and so she knows Lisa lived there!  Brandi is insane. Lisa mentions that they have owned many properties over the years. I can’t believe how long Brandi wants to argue that Lisa lived somewhere she did not. Good Grief.

Next up. Yolanda pretends that her issue with Lisa is that she did not visit her enough while she was ill. Which is bullshit. I am bored already. Yolanda expects her friends there when she wants to fingerpaint for her college aged daughter. I can’t.

They played pretty much every ridiculous scene Kim was in all at once. It was a whole lot of crazy. Kyle and Kim are close. This is incredibly boring. I literally keep zoning out. There is really no need to talk about Kim this much. Continue reading

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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: The Kids Are Alright

RHOBH Puerto Rico Trip

Back in Puerto Rico the witches coven is having an early meeting . Carlton would be so sad that she missed this. Everyone has convicted Lisa of the crime of telling Brandi to pack her tabloids for the Palms Springs trip months ago.  Even Joyce and Michael are joining in on the conviction. Lisa and Ken smartly decided to fly home earlier that morning. Yolanda claims to have check on their whereabouts with the concierge. A much more viable scenario is that production chose her to be the carrier pigeon for this particular bit of intel as Yolanda could care less where Lisa and Ken are.  Yolanda declares they will not discuss Ken and Lisa any further on the remainder of the trip. I give them five minutes.

The ladies seem to enjoy the ginormous lizards of Puerto Rico. That is the only bad thing about the beaches of Curacao, by the way. I hate those things.  Brandi and Kim decide the best behavior they can think of is to risk getting arrested in Puerto Rico by wading in a fountain. It never ceases to amaze me that these women have absolutely no idea how to behave in other parts of the world. Puerto Rico looks beautiful. Wait, Kyle is talking about the 100th birthday of Beverly Hills that the Chamber of Commerce is putting on. Didn’t we already do that? Was that an out of sequence editing error? I suppose it is another function. Perhaps there were many 100th Beverly Hills Anniversary parties. Continue reading

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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Too Ridiculous to Recap

Lisa I don't want to hear it

Gif: Realtytvgifs

This is the stupidest episode that has ever aired on Bravo. Lisa Vanderpump stuffed tabloids in Brandi’s luggage on the way to Palm Springs? Because of the two, Lisa Vanderpump  is the one with the finger on the pulse of the tabloids?  Because, duh,  Lisa has nothing better to do. It’s not like she is on two or three reality shows, opening her THIRD successful LA restaurant/club, developing her wine brand…writing Giggy tweets, making appearances, doing promos for some fucking skin care crap, managing her home, and spending time with her husband. I’m sure SHE is the one obsessed with the tabloids and forcing them on Brandi.

You know, Brandi, who is in the tabloids every week with her tampon string hanging out, falling down drunk and wearing a coat over her head. Continue reading

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Is There Trouble in Paradise for Yolanda and David Foster?

RHOBH Yolanda's House For Sale

Say it isn’t so! Is it possible that David Foster is losing interest in his fourth wife so soon?  The seemingly perfect couple married on November 11, 2011 (The same day Kim Zolciak married Kroy Biermann)  how is it possible that the bloom is already off the lemon blossom?  Could it be that David feels like he married a lemon after Yolanda was diagnosed with “chronic lyme disease” with in a year of their marriage? Is it the curse of the Real Housewives Franchise? What is going on here? Well, for one thing they are frantically liquidating their assets!

Remember this little guessing game I like to play with you guys that infuriates you because I never give the answers? It was a video of a beautiful apartment for sale in coast in British Columbia for a mere 5 million dollars? I actively campaigned for someone to hit the donate button for with a five million dollar contribution, but sadly no one bit. Anyway, that was David’s Canadian apartment. I haven’t check to see if it sold, but the point is they were trying to unload it. That was in July of 2013, a mere 20 months after their happy union. Continue reading

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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion: It’s Wrap!

Andy Cohen with Giggy after the reunionAndy Cohen just announced that the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion just finished filming at 9 pm their time. I suppose if they hurry home they can see some of the Opening Ceremonies. What a crappy night to film the reunion, Andrew.  Andy tweeted “Oh LORD we JUST wrapped #RHOBHReunion – it is a DOOZY. very emotional.”  Earlier in the reunion he tweeted, ” Still shooting #RHOBHReunion – all I can say is I would’ve made a damn good therapist :-)”

As Brandi Glanville headed into the reunion this morning she tweeted, “Im not “going after “ANYONE im just speaking my truth and owning my shit.” Which means she was loaded for bear. Update: However, it seems like she left wanting her Mommy.  After the reunion she posted, that she was glad Jennifer was there and, “I want my mommy my daddy and my ..,. Gaygent- goodnight.”

Kyle tweeted early this morning as well, “Cocktail dresses, stilettos , false eyelashes & diamonds all before 7am. Sounds like #Reunion day to me #RHOBH.”  Kyle wore a plum bandage dress with two sleeves and two sholders! I really like it! It’s for sale at her shop! Link to picture. Continue reading

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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Carlton Continues to Look For Tits on an Ant

rhobhseason4

Lisa and Kyle are meeting with Kevin Lee the crazy party planner to plan a birthday dinner for Ken and Mauricio. Kyle wants it black tie chic to be the antithesis of Carlton’s nasty pool orgy. Yolanda will be at David’s daughter’s wedding. Kyle says to invite Carlton because they are on good terms.  Oh Kyle. It’s Carlton, the Eternally Offended Witch. You will never be on good terms.

Joyce invites Carlton to lunch. Carlton makes fun of Joyce for not knowing the word flippancy,  I know plenty of native English speakers who could not define that word. I think because Joyce speaks English flawlessly, without even a hint of accent, makes people assume it is her first language and judge her intelligence on her English vocabulary. Joyce says that she respects everyone’s religion. She would like to let Joyce know that she does not want her to threaten anymore spells on her. She explains that when she went home from Yolanda’s party, her husband became very ill quite out of the blue. Carlton does not do black magic anymore because her kids were born.  Carlton is offended. Carlton threatened her with spells just the last time they were together and now she is offended that Joyce’s storyline is to believe her.

Yo is packing up Gigi to send her to NYC. Kim is getting matching tattoos with Kimberly to prepare for her leaving the nest. Kim says that in the afterlife she is going to be a butterfly and when he kids see a butterfly that will be her. Um, that freaks me out because my mother never said that to me, and then shortly after she died I had an encounter with a butterfly and I just knew it was her. I saw them A LOT shortly after she died and my sisters had the same experience. I still see her from time to time but not as often. Kinda freaky. The tattoos are on their inner wrists and were painful. Continue reading

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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: The Curse of Carlton

RHOBH CarltonI am so not excited to recap this episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Not because I have written eleventy billion posts in the last 72 hours, but because it is Carlton’s lesbian pool party. Gross. Yet, I soldier on .

Carlton is already comparing her party to Eyes Wide Shut. Thankfully, she shuffles the children off to Grandma’s house. There are already hordes of nekkid chicks preparing to parade around in nothing but gold body paint.

Kim is doing an autograph show where people pay for her autograph and picture. No Really. Kim looks great and sober and is having a great time. Jimmy McNichol! I remember him! Sadly, he has not aged well. I mean he looks fine. He just doesn’t look like Jimmy McNichol anymore. He seems to be hitting on Kim. She should go for it!

Everyone begins to arrive a Carlton’s pool party. The requisite Fat Burger stand gets a plug. Brandi and Jennifer arrive early so that Brandi can get a head start on getting drunk out of her mind.  Lisa and Ken arrive with Giggy!  I don’t think this is an appropriate party for Giggy!  When she sees Brandi and her badly bruised hand she asks if she has gotten an X-Ray and Brandi gets all defensive. Brandi has let Lisa look after her for quite some time now with now issue, but now she seems to have matured to the pre-teen mindset and everything is just so awful! Brandi storms off, probably to get in line for the stripper pole. Continue reading

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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Gun Ranges and Self-Defense Classes? Is This a Good Plan?

rhobhseason4Brandi got a replacement dog. She hates him because he lifts his leg when he pees. So why get a male dog, dumbass. That is what they do.  Brandi is going to Sacramento for a book signing. Her father lives there. They have not been speaking because she called him a drug dealer in her book.  Brandi has a meltdown over the dog again. Lisa tries to be there for her but Brandi is not receptive.

Yolanda goes with Brandi to Sacramento and Brandi tells Yo about her gangsta ways. Brandi calls home and her dad answers the phone and then snubs her and passes it to her mother. Her father is coming to the book signing and her mother seems worried things may get ugly.

Joyce and Michael go to a gun range so that Joyce can learn to shoot. She has a gun in the house and wants to be trained to use it for protection. They recently had two guys with ski masks and shotguns walking up their driveway. It takes some practice but eventually Joyce gets the hang of it. Joyce says she feels like a badass. Continue reading

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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: If All Else Fails, Cry

real-housewives-of-beverly-hills-season-4-what-planet-does-brandi-glanville-live-onWe return to the lovely dinner party Lisa has arranged with Brandi still screaming “Shut the Fuck Up!”  Michael is asking her very politely to watch her language. Brandi tries to play the victim card saying she has no husband to speak up for her. Correct, Brandi and there is a reason for that. You have no idea how to behave in public. Brandi continues on telling Micheal and Joyce to shut the fuck up. Joyce says, she thought that Brandi just needed rehab, but that perhaps this is just who Brandi is.  Brandi is highly offended by that simple observation. Joyce rattles off a list of Brandi’s offenses in return.

Brandi is out classed and drunk and unsure of how to proceed. Oh wait, it’s the poor pitiful Brandi card. That always works. Especially if tears are involved. She blurts out “I miss my puppy.”  Oddly, she also throws out “I’m not lying! I am telling the truth!” in a way that makes no sense to the conversation unless something was edited. Lisa and Yolanda and Ken baby her as if none of her hideous behavior before ever happened. Because surely, if one is missing their dog, they have free reign to be as nasty as they want to be to others at a dinner party. Brandi leaves. Continue reading

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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

real-housewives-beverly-hills-joyce-husband (2)I really, really think Joyce’s husband is hot as hell. He reminds me of my one great love. Only he was not that big yet, and  just a bartender at the Wind of Change… sigh. Oh how I fucked THAT up. But moving on. Oh look. Carlton is taking her submissive and his mother fetish shopping. I’m sorry. I just can’t recap this.  I am WAY right of traditional gender roles and while I want everyone to do what they enjoy, this skeeves me out. #TMI

I love pretentious Yolanda. I can’t help myself. Yo has adult acne issues. Brandi calls to tell her to put Visine on it. lol. Crushed aspirin or toothpaste would have been better options. ? Seriously, if we have time for a Yolanda has zits scene, I have lost all hope for an interesting show. Isn’t Yo supposed to be the health expert?

Okay Lisa already had swans, and Mohammed gave her another pair for Christmas? Or did something “happen” to these? Where they prop swans? What? Anyway, Lisa and Ken are outside deadheading roses.  I love that Ken realizes that Brandi needs a man to look after her. Ken is the new voice of reason on this show. We all need a man to look after us, and when we don’t have that, things become very difficult. Lisa decides to sort of back off of trying to “mother” Brandi.  She decides to have a dinner with Mo and Martin because they know Joyce. Maybe they can sort out their differences. Continue reading

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