Apologies in advance for this being the worst recap ever. I am so not in the mood. But off we go. Jax shows Stassi his new tattoo of her name at the beach. It is written in such girly script (did he say it was her signature?) that I am sure he will have no problem turning it into a flower or something at some point. Because they are all road tripping I’m afraid we will not have much Vanderpump at all this episode.
Stassi and Jax and Kirsten and gay Tom are fighting. Gay Tom says to the world, getting an exes name tattooed on your body is stalkerish. But Stassi loves it. The four of them go to visit Stassi’s family in Lake Arrowhead. Apparently, Stassi’s family lost their home in New Orleans to Katrina. I’m really not in the mood to care. Stassi immediately tells her mom about the tattoo. Stassi is a HORRIBLE person. Continue reading
We start this episode with a bit of good news for Kandi. Lord knows she needs some with her mother trying her best to keep her down. Kandi’s new studio is almost finished and it looks fantastic! It’s very “Kandi” with the pink vinyl chairs in her office. Kandi talks to Don Juan, her manager, about her mother. Don Juan says that Mama Joyce may just be concerned about where she will fit in once Kandi and Todd get married. He says he has the same sort of concerns. Essentially, he is worried that Kandi won’t need him anymore, that Todd will take over as her manager. It sounds a little selfish, but it is true that once someone marries their priorities do often change and their relationships with other may indeed become diminished.
Kandi seems a bit offended and thinks Don Juan is only there for her checks. Well, he may not ONLY be there for the checks, but he is her employee and I think he is right to be slightly concerned. Todd and Kandi are already producing plays together and forming business deals on their own. If Todd does decide he wants to manage Kandi, then Don Juan could very well be out on the streets looking for his next paycheck. Continue reading
Filed under Apollo Nida, Bravo, Cynthia Bailey, Filming Real Housewives of Atlanta, Gregg Leakes, Kandi Burruss, Kandi Koated Nights, Kenya Moore, Kordell Stewart, NeNe Leakes, Peter Thomas, Phaedra Parks, Porsha Stewart, Real Housewives of Atlanta, Reality Show, Reality TV, Recap, RHOA, Todd Tucker
By: Urethra Franklin
It’s 1833, and Madame Delphine LaLaurie is hosting a fancy schmancy Hallow Eve’s party with waltzing, masks, and a special Halloween edition of her Chamber of Horrors. The governor’s son, Jacques, is introduced as a potential suitor to her daughter Borja. Her nickname is Borquita (Little Borja). Madame LaLaurie wants to test him out with her serial killer style to see if he’s a cool & fun future son-in-law. Plus she wants to haze him for thrills & giggles because her bloomers get moist with excitement when she watches a handsome man piss in his pants with fear, “It makes me feel young again.” She escorts Jacques, with her daughters in tow, into her candle lit dining room to play the 19th century’s most popular Halloween game, GUESS MY TREATS, with her silver bowls filled with mystery goodies by sticking his hand inside them. He thinks bowl #1 has grapes. Wrong. It’s a bowl of eyeballs, and we see a flashback of how she gouged them out from her prisoner slaves with her own bare hands. When she presents bowl #2 this psycho-sick bitch flirtatiously says “They’re long… and wet…and very slippery.” He nervously guesses sausages. Wrong again. It’s a bowl of intestines that seem to still be moving as we get a flashback of her gutting a prisoner slave.
Jacques flees the room, and she emasculates him, “You’re not man enough for my Borquita, much less my Chamber of Horrors.” ….Her three daughters are whining in their bedroom that they can’t have boys over because their mom is Hannibal Lecter CRAZY, so they toss around the idea of killing her. Apples, meet the tree. She overhears them, and later when they’re asleep, she orders Bastien (pre-minotaur days) to forcibly drag them to her main Chamber of Horrors up in the attic to join her gallery of tortured & maimed prisoners. They are terrified, crying, & screaming as they are chained. Borquita is forced into a cramped cage, and Delphine doesn’t care if her leg has to be broken to get her inside. The youngest daughter tells her it was a joke. We would never kill a cool mom like you. Delphine growls “It’s because of my love for your plain faces, that you can still draw breath.” Then she tells them that she will set them free, in ONE YEAR, on the next Hallows Eve. But Borquita gets an extra treat for being the ringleader of the kill mommy brigade, “On Christmas morning, I’m gonna stuff your conniving mouth FULL OF SHIT.” #BitchDontPlay Continue reading
The audience is full of old people again. So Judd won’t get a genuine exit response. Wow, I didn’t realize they had not even shown the veto yet. Judd in the diary room, “Maybe I am the lowest guy on the totem pole in this group?” Um, duh?
Wow! This is a big production for veto! Ian seemed nervous. They didn’t really show how GM cut herself did they? I guess she just banged her leg on one of the buildings while swinging back and forth. It was a super cool superhero comp where they swang from a high wire in case you missed it. Continue reading
Perhaps that kid of Melissa’s is the smartest one in the family. Clearly, the girl knows how to pack for a mandatory Bravo retreat. I can’t think of anything better to bring besides Jesus, the Bible and a unicorn, unless it is a bottle of Chivas. Oh Rich brought a case of booze! And y’all say Rich is worthless.
Bravo did a great job with the bus. Everyone needs a bus with a stripper pole, it is over a three-hour trip to the lake. Melissa may have made an excellent point. Maybe the reason that Teresa hates Melissa so much isn’t because she is overly attached to her brother as I have previously thought. It’s the fact that in her eyes, her brother Joe is a great guy and she is jealous that Melissa who she was never fond of to start with has a great marriage, and Teresa has a lying, cheating scumbag. See? I am learning stuff from this Retreat by Bravo already.
I was looking forward to the three-hour bus ride with everyone on the very large bus but it appears that Teresa and Joe are riding up alone. You know Teresa had to make that a demand because Bravo would have loved six hours of bus footage.
Cute scene with Caroline and Albert.
Scene with Jacqueline and the prop child. Continue reading
Filed under Albie Manzo, Chris Manzo, Gia Giudice, Jacqueline Laurita, Joe Giudice, Joe Gorga, Kathy Wakile, Melissa Gorga, News, Real Housewives of New Jersey, Recap, Teresa Giudice
Sorry ladies and gents but Miss Franklin has the night off. Something about having a life and plans and some other fancypants excuse. So you are stuck with me for this week. That means a quick and dirty recap I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS EVICTION.
Let me start by saying that my girl Helen cannot keep a secret to save her soul. There should be a blindside tonight and my girl Helen ran around like a fool telling the other side. SIGH. Oh Helen. So Elissa is officially my favorite. Not because she is Rachel’s sister but because she gets under Aaryn’s skin so badly. And I hate Aaryn more than I ever hated Rachel.
Candice knows that the boys are going to pick the girls off one by one and she is trying to broker peace. Ooops sorry. I was listening to all the guys meeting two by two. Spencer, Howard and Nick or worried about Amanda and her influence on McCrae. McCrae realizes he has to choose between Amanda and the Moving Company. Hmmm this is a hard one. Heh. I said hard one. Should he pick a bunch of guys or should the quirky pizza boy spend the rest of the summer boinking a hot chick from Florida? Continue reading
Lauri says that she was very clear that she did not know if Vicki was having sex with the other two people she was in bed with. Vicki tweeted that Lauri must need money and that is why she is back on the show. Lauri responds with, “Well, why is Vicki doing it then?” Hate to say it but good point,
Faye Lauri! Continue reading
Hello tattlers. This is Urethra Franklin, and I’m guest blogging tonight’s Big Brother episode for Tamara because this cast is so stupid, racist, misogynistic, & homophobic, that Tamara would rather spend the evening drunk blogging about the lovely well-mannered ladies of the Real Housewives of New Jersey & Long Island Princesses. Tonight is episode 5 for the How To Get America To Hate You And Lose Your Job reality show.
Half the BB house is reeling from David’s blindside eviction. Aaryn is stunned by the surprise votes to evict her bobble headed surfer boyfriend over Elissa, and CBS is broken hearted too because the fake showmance storyline just hanged ten out the door.
Gina Marie, Long Island’s mean girl with a racist but good heart got consoled by her faux alliance buddy Nick, who really doesn’t care about David since he voted to evict him. Meanwhile Aaryn is fake crying at the eviction door like a scene out of THE COLOR PURPLE for the guy that she broke up with 50 times because he had no thoughts, did not shower, had no ambition, and because she’d rather hookup with Jeremy. Continue reading
Despite all of the recent controversy with Long Island: Princesses up to and including their invitation to appear on WWHL being revoked, Bravo made a brief apology, and the show went on as usual.
Ashley, Chanel’s little sister, is getting married. Chanel is trying to hang tough through the entire dress shopping ordeal, bless her heart. There are way too many awkward comments from mother, shopkeepers etc. Ashley has terrible taste in dresses. Oh wait the third dress is decent. Thankfully everyone agrees. Her sister makes Chanel try on a wedding dress. How humiliating. Chanel is such a good sport. I really feel for what she is going through.
Casey, Jelly and Ashlee go Jewish speed dating. Chanel was supposed to go but she got stuck with wedding planning. Joey is nervous without Chanel as a buffer against the other two. The guys shown are um… well let’s just say I hope they are rich. Jelly tells one, “I can see you as a furry.” This ladies and germs is why I love her best and violate my own “no silly name rule” for her. Jelly is love. Jelly is so over these guys she is asking guys how big of a package they are working with, and how many girls they have slept with. It’s hilarious. Ashlee and Casey are not having nearly as much fun. In fact they are appalled by her behavior, because they are boring fucks. They are also freezing Jelly out in that way that sometimes happens in groups of three. They are literally ignoring her. Joey goes to the bar and gets drunk with the bartender while complaining about Casey and Ashlee and then leaves them. Continue reading
I know I don’t cover this show here, but I do watch and it is trending on twitter so I figured I should watch it fast before someone spoiled it for me. I also need something to do with my hands since I bought a bunch of fresh cherries today and they are so good I can’t stop eating them and I am about to blow up like the Cherry version of Violet Beauregarde on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Since there are no Oompa Loompas in the barrio to juice me this evening, I shall type if you don’t mind.
We start with Anthony he is a medically retired Iraq veteran with a purple heart. He also happens to be a black gay man. He has been “dating” (i.e. having phone sex with) some dude, Marq, for a year. He has hot modeling type pictures. He went to Mississippi to meet him once and he stood him up. He said he was carjacked and run over by the car. Gee…I wonder what the problem could be here? It all seems perfectly normal to me. Let’s watch.
I thought I saw a picture of Anthony and maybe I did. I thought to myself, “Self, this is an attractive guy, why doesn’t he just go down to the local version of The Swinging Richards and find himself a man.” Now that I see him on Skype, there is a problem. It’s tattoos. Now tattoos themselves are not ALWAYS a problem. But neck tattoos almost always are. AND HIS NECK TATTOO IS ON HIS THROAT! And it is huge. And it is the pyramid with the eyeball on top from a dollar bill. I went to Google the meaning but decided I didn’t care. But before I Xed out the window, I saw images of lots of people with this tattoo. WTF? People be doing some crazy shit, y’all. Let’s move on because Anthony better take this dude if he is 400 pounds and has to be lifted out of bed by a crane. A pyramid, with an eyeball the size of Jesus on his throat. Y’all need to stop doing shit like that. Moving on. Continue reading
I am sooo tired. If this WWHL episode gets good I may save my recap until tomorrow but here we go. Andy throws some shade at Kanye West to begin the father’s day show so it is live. And Tabatha Coffee is there.
Joe Gorga shaved his head and posted a “sexy pic” on Instagram. Melissa wants to clear something up right away. She did let her kids stay for cake. However, can I just say that Melissa does not look her best? Is the hair stylist still on vacay? She practically has the top of her head pulled back in a scrunchie! And she has normal people makeup on. Not TV makeup. Oh I forgot to tell you there was a pig at Caroline’s house. Her sister is one of those random animal rescuerers. It was cute.
Andy is falling in love with Milania over Gia… It has to happen as the little monsters age. And Tabatha is appalled. She says, “We all know that I don’t like children, and all I kept thinking is those poor bloody hairdressers.” I agree Tabitha. But monster children on TV are fun to watch.
Andy turns to the “Princesses” and admits his favorite “princess” is Jeff. SHOCKER! The clip is from last week when Jeff went with his “girlfriend” to try on bathing suits with her mother. This is because IT WAS SO FUCKING GAY THAT EVEN THOUGH HE WAS OFF LAST WEEK HE STILL WANTS TO POINT IT OUT IN CASE WE MISSED THAT JEFF IS THE GAYEST GAY THAT EVER GAYED! Then he plays that little 40 minute mark bite that Bravo does of Jeff doing a PERFECT John Travolta moment just to drive Jeff’s gayness home for anyone who may have missed it. SHADE by Bravo. AND JEFF IS THE BARTENDER OMG! Andy has no shame in the shade throwing. Later he calls him “Isaac Washington from Love Boat” Continue reading
I’m just getting to recapping Don’t be Tardy… Sorry for the delay. First of all, can I just say that I love that Kim is in sweatpants and that the kitchen is not exactly pristine. With four kids in the house, nannies or not, it just makes it seem so much more real than on Real housewives where the kitchens are all staged for someone housewife to cut fancy cheese and create a fruit plate in a sterile environment. Brielle tries to talk to Kim about her school issues but she is distracted by the boys. Brielle is having a hard time getting time with her mom because two under two is so time-consuming. Continue reading