By Contributing Writer, Phil Andros
So here we are at the big debate! Hollis is doing his best Donald Trump imitation talking about building a wall. Frankly, I’m already a little annoyed with Shonda and we’re barely 30 seconds into it. I know, it’s Shonda, why am I annoyed? She doesn’t do nuanced. She doesn’t do subtle. But still, we’re reduced to caricatures. Mellie gives it back to Hollis pretty good.
Then Sally asks Susan what she thinks and her brain has clearly frozen thanks to her breakup with her lesbian lover David in the previous episode. Her response: “It’s a big, um, problem.” Cut to Fitz: “She’s having a stroke. We are watching her stroke out on national television.” I laughed. And I felt bad because strokes are no laughing matter! : giggle :
Mellie/Hollis/Mellie/Hollis/cheap Fitz joke/Hollis/Mellie. Seriously, as someone who has watched every single motherfucking Democratic and Republican debate, this is actually somewhat painful to me. She’s decided Hollis is going to be more crude than Donald but that he’s actually going to also be more articulate. After some speechifying, he hits Mellie with: “How weird is it to have your ex-husband’s ex-mistress as your campaign manager?” And then Sally calls a break…. Hollis’ people run out to him and I think, although I may be hearing things, that Hollis said it was “hotter than two squirrels screwing in a wool sock” which is my new favorite expression for everything now. “Would you like some wine with dinner? Yes, that’d be hotter than two squirrels screwing in a wool sock.” I think I can pull it off. By the way, DO NOT google squirrel porn. You’ve been warned. But I digress. Continue reading
Homeboy Wesley is already getting a lot of face time for this episode of Top Chef. He’s been an embarrassment so far. I hope this means that either he is going home, or he is going to start doing us proud. He has a whole package within the first minute of the show. Meanwhile, Kwame is a NYC slicker and seems a bit intimidated by the desert. They are cooking with social energy.
I’m not even going to try to explain the solar oven or the solar stove. The other night I saw that Guy Fieri Grocery Show on Food Network and it was one that Phillip (dog shit cooker) on it. He was way more likeable on that show. Giselle is struggling with her solar tube oven. For some reason she decides to make couscous and apparently you can’t put water in the oven. The whole damn thing EXPLODES and I should point out that these contraptions look expense. I mean the think blew up never to be used again! She’s fucked. Oh wait, they stupidly give her another oven to break.
Did Wesley just say he is doing some concoction with “pickled mushrooms, melon, shrimp and coconut broth?” That sounds disgusting.
Phillp goes to look for dog shit for his recipe. Finding none, he decides to plate for the professional chefs on dirty rocks. I swear both Phillip and Wesley are scripted by production.
Isaac did well with the oven. He made cornbread in his oven and had a lovely presentation. Jeremy did a nice halibut dish. Carl did stuffed dates wrapped in bacon. Grayson had problems with her skirt steak with goat cheese. Padma basically called Grayson out for not listening to how to use the solar oven. Giselle managed to get a plate. Jason did a did a scallop. Marjorie has worked with the guest chef before. She made halibut puttanesca. Amar did a shrimp dish. Wesley apparently did not in fact have pickled mushrooms. It was sautéed mushrooms with picked onion an shrimp. Still. I hate mushrooms. It’s like one of the few things I try not to eat. This combo sounds gross. Phillip served a slice of Italian sausage with an oyster on top to this world renowned chef on a dirty rock. Padma has concerns about serving oysters in the heat. I have concerns about what has peed on that rock. As she is walking away she says, “It was like snot on a rock.”
Losers were Grayson, Giselle and Phillip.
Winners were Jeremey, WESLEY and Isaac. Wesley won! Really? Um, okay then. He has immunity. I think Isaac was robbed. Continue reading
Based on the title of this week’s Ladies of London episode, I can see that the ball jokes are going to continue all season long. And I’m good with that. I have much more popular things to recap in the pipeline today, but I am selfishly doing this show first despite the fact that you twatwaffles REFUSE TO WATCH DECENT PROGRAMMING WHEN IT IS PRESENTED TO YOU! Seriously, y’all are the reason we can’t have good shows on Bravo. Well, probably not y’all because you are reading this, but the other couple of million of you, are jerks.
REPENT FROM YOUR SINS BY READING ALL THE LADIES OF LONDON RECAPS HERE!
Moving on, one of the reasons, I’m in a hurry to watch is because something is wrong with Tinky. (Annabelle’s Twitter name) and I want to know what it is. I’m the only one however because the rest of the ladies seem thus far too self absorbed to notice. Last week ended with Annabelle doing a very out of character read on everyone at the dinner table one by one. If you missed that click here. It was really odd. I’m worried about Tinky! I’m also kind of worried about the Americans who have been on their best behavior in Denmark. The whole cast has gone topsy turvy!
The ladies are checking out of their fancy hotel to head to the palace. We are going to a palace, y’all! I am so excited. But first, Caroline must have her makeup dude apply her face and exchange the latest gossip in the traditional Bravo way of recapping the previous episode. Caroline Stanbury says that Annabelle has had a lobotomy. That would seem a reasonable explanation. But then we get to learn a new bit of British slang! Caroline says that Annabelle has been “Po faced” which apparently means humorless and disapproving. Let’s all try to work that into conversation this week so that we can feel very intercontinental, shall we? Meanwhile, housewives of both coasts, aspire to reach the level of dignified cuntiness that Caroline Stanbury exudes so effortless. She’s like a cunt satchel role model for us all. The bar that we should all be grasping for as it were. Continue reading
Opening Flash Forward
The flash forward is a frantic Frank running into the hospital screaming for the doctors to tell him what is going on and to save her life. Annalise flat lined and Frank is escorted out. As he walks back to his car he becomes perfectly calm again! Then we see a dead Catherine Hapstall in his back seat. Whoa!!! I didn’t see that coming.
In real time, Frank and Laurel are busy screwing their brains out. But the second Frank gets up to shower, Laurel starts snooping through his stuff because she still doesn’t trust him. After all, he did have a suitcase full of money sitting in a storage container!
After Asher learned of Bonnie’s childhood, he agreed that he wouldn’t help Sinclair out anymore. Although, I’m still not convinced that the video was really Bonnie. Annalise knew showing something like that would convince Asher not to take a plea deal. In exchange for not helping Sinclair, Asher now needs Annalise to help him with something he did that was really bad. Annalise agrees to protect him because,” that’s what we do for people we love! ” Continue reading
It was another great #TGIT this week. Is it me of is Grey’s kind of depressing? I only started rewatching again recently, and I’m starting to remember why I stopped watching. As for Scandal, what do y’all think about Jake not really being Jake? What do you think his real name is? I need him to still be Jake. Damn you, Shonda Rimes! AND he is married to a B316 member/former member with more kills than Jake and Charlie combined? It’s twist after twisted twist on Scandal!
As for How to Get Away With Murder, “the other Tamara” is back with a recap of this week’s episode. I could not stop myself from a bit of the purple pen.
This weeks flash forward begins with Annalise getting an IV and being carried out on to the ambulance on a stretcher. Meanwhile, the interns are in Nate’s police car listening to the scanner. Michaela gets a call that she takes while trying to act normal. Annalise flatlined in the back of the ambulance and the medics grab the defibrillator and start trying to get her heart beating again!
By: The Lady Cocotte
A huge thanks to The Lady Cocotte for offering to recap The Walking Dead this Season. Please follow her on Twitter.
On last night’s, The Walking Dead, Rick shoots Porch Dick and everything goes black and white. Over a blank screen we hear Rick say, “I know this sounds insane. but this is an insane world. We have to come for them before they come for us. It’s that simple.” We’re back in color. Rick stands in front of a quarry full of hundreds of walkers explaining their plan for tomorrow. There are semi-trucks wedged in the quarry, keeping the walkers from escaping. I’m confused and mesmerized. Suddenly another wedged semi falls and frees some walkers. Rick shouts, “It’s open. We gotta do this now!” His crew jumps into action while the Alexandrians argue that they’re not ready. Walkers don’t negotiate, guys. They act. If you want to survive, you’d better do the same.
Nicholas begs Glenn to let him help. The last time we saw the two of them, Nicholas lured Glenn outside the walls and tried to kill him so I can understand why Glenn is hesitant. An Alexandrian we haven’t met yet (he played Rusty in Vegas Vacation if you’re wondering why he looks familiar) argues with Rick. “It’s supposed to be a dry run!” Rick barely has enough time to yell back that it’s happening and he’s ordering the flares. Flare guns are firing. Walkers are swarming. And here they come. And come. And come.
We’re in black and white, on the night Reg and Porch Dick died. Deanna sits in a puddle of her husband’s blood. Father Gabriel walks up and she glares daggers at him. “You were wrong.” He agrees in shame. Abraham carries Reg’s dead body to the gravesite. He’s drinking and pours some out for Reg. A fitting tribute to a great man. Jessie is clutching her youngest son but her oldest storms off. I guess we all react differently to watching our father get killed. Tara is awake! She shares a tender moment with Rosita before bloodied Glenn and Nicholas stumble into the hospital. Glenn is too good a guy. Rick would have killed Nicholas for what he did. Maggie enters, happy to see Tara until she notices Glenn’s state. Eugene joins the party, clearly relieved to see Tara awake. She takes one look at him and quips, “Thank god. Nothing happened to your hair.” A Tennessee top hat. She asks for Noah and everyone realizes she doesn’t know what happened to him. Carl joins his “girlfriend” and she takes his hand. Porch Dick’s son is in the shadows watching them (like father, like son). Continue reading