It’s time to head back down under to see watch these witches are doing. Melbourne truly is a beautiful city. Too bad is it so far away. Lydia goes over to some idiot woman’s house to gossip about the girls. But first, Lydia completely misses the woman’s joke about not having carbs since 1964. It completely goes over Lydia’s pointy little head and she takes it literally and is baffled. I often say I haven’t cleaned my kitchen since the 1970’s but it would seem obvious that I didn’t even have a kitchen to clean in the 1970s. Are there really many people out there as stupid as Lydia? Apparently the woman’s name is Lisa. Lisa says never to thin, never too rich and Lydia tosses her head back and laughs hysterically. In her talking head Lydia talks about Lisa’s hilarious one-liners. Clearly, she is not familiar with the Duchess of Windsor. I suppose that would require some sort of reading on her part.
Anyway, Lydia goes on to tell Lisa that Gina totally deserved the treatment that she and Andrea gave her at Mission Beach. When Lisa asks who she is closest to in the group she says no one. Then for some reason we hear about Lisa’s life, which we care about not at all.
Poor Andrea is still trying to hawk her book on parenting. She says she knows it is what working mothers want to read, even though he focus group hated the book and looked at her like she had to heads. Undeterred, Andrea goes to speak with a publisher. The publisher suggests that she start with a blog to begin developing a readership base. Andrea keeps saying she is a journalist. I thought she sold face creams out of her husband’s plastic surgery office on days that did not end in “y.” The publicist is kindly explaining in many different ways she has no interest in her book, but Andrea is hearing none of it. Andrea says that she is writing the book solely to get back at someone who told her she didn’t love her children because she works. The publisher is visually appalled and suggests that building up conflict is not the way to go. In her talking head, Andrea basically says “I don’t need no stupid publisher!” Because, delusional. Continue reading
I received an email with a link to this interesting BlogSpot with exactly one entry today. It’s an open letter to Gina Liano from the Real Housewives of Melbourne written back in April. It seems the show was over and the reunion had been filmed and someone *cough* Lydia *cough* was butthurt over editing. Lydia, er, I mean the anonymous author, says the post is not an attack on Gina and then she goes on to insult her hair, her make-up, her pot-nah, her friend Chyka, and her job as a barrister. She seems to think that being a defense attorney is the worst thing in the world. She also calls out Gina for smoking despite having cancer and wearing cheap perfume to cover the smell. No, that is not an attack at all. That’s just being helpful and keeping it 100. Right?
These girls are just green with envy over Gina’s barrister status. Apparently, she represents the lowly “sample people” and ruins lives. The blogger is obsessed with this saying, ” Onto brains, you are a brilliant legal mind! You roped in Foxtel and everyone involved into a neat little contract where you get to behave badly, feed your ego, literally ruin lives and then tell producers…WAIT HERE IT COMES…’I’m a barrister, edit that out or it will ruin my career as a BARRISTER.’I was on the other end of a call the first time I heard that neat little trick. Isn’t that fun? You took responsibility for hundreds of lives the day you forced your hand with that contract. Cast members, staff, down to the person who runs to get coffee on set. That’s cute; you just swooped in and made it your show. Care to deny it?” Yes, dear. She made it her show with pancake makeup and stilettos something you could not do with all the airplanes and cars and helicopter rides in the world. And you’re butthurt. We get it.
Thanks to the commenter who emailed me this, and Michael, I’m not sure if this was on your required reading list or if this is news to you. I filed your email under “important source material to get to ASAP” and now that I have a minute I can’t find it! Anyway, click the link for the whole blog, and/or enjoy the excerpt below with my thoughts and then let’s chat in comments! Continue reading
So we are back to Everyone Hates Jane-uh. I had homework for this article sent by Michael but alas between Frankie, Apollo and the Giudices, I didn’t have to do it this week. Incidentally, Frankie, Apollo and the Giudices would be a good name for a band if anyone is looking. Just envision that collaboration on stage for a moment, would you? Little Milania playing the tambourine. It would be like a Tamara Tattles version of the Partridge Family! Okay. Sorry. Moving on .
By the way, the LBGTQRSTPC folks are on my twitter squealing that I called some old, um, comrades “one flamer away ” from being able to access Frankie’s Facebook page. This is fabulous for ratings. Forgive me if I attempt to rile them up further in this post. Thank God for Gina, she will be the unfortunate target of my anti-gay remarks. Sorry Jane-uh, controversy is money.
YAY we’re going to Mission Beach! They have already frankenbited in “Mission Beach” a couple of times. Seems like the city itself has bought a promo not just the resort. What does “When he’s out step out mean in Aussie?” Because here is translates into a hall pass to fuck around on your rocker husband.
Andrea’s daughter is adorable despite her mother with no maternal instincts. Andrea on the other hand goes into details about her C-section for Bud’s birth. Of course, Lydia yammers on about taking a helicopter to the beach. And Jane-uh is late, probably trying to flame things up a bit. (see what I did there?) Janet is more annoying than usual. I feel less bad about setting up Gina for the gay jokes this episode because she is wearing a dress with one shoulder. The entire housewives franchise has put me off such monstrosities forever. But, I must say, she wears it better than most and the blue is lovely.
Andrea is a brunette? Is this new? How did I ever like Lydia. She is Sofa King annoying. Jackie, Gina and Chyka are all in one helicopter which means it’s fine with me if the other one crashes for the purposes of great TV. The resort is gorgeous. I would never leave it. They rented out the whole thing! Wowsers! Continue reading
Leann and Eddie take their parents on a family trip to Hawaii. I’m pretty sure the boys went too, but they are not allowed to be filmed. I seem to remember Brandi whining about this on Twitter when it happened. Leann’s mom has been married to her stepfather, Ted for about 13 years. Leann loves Ted.
Leann and Eddie rented a three bedroom condo and ranked third on bedroom choices. Welcome to vacationing with family. Someone asks what Leann’s mom is drinking and she says a virgin pina colada. Eddie asked why it’s a virgin. She says she doesn’t like liquor. She’s never smoked, drank or cheated on her husbands. Awkward silence. Leann says, “I’ve got you beat on that one!” Eddie’s dad is one of those people who spends his entire vacation taking pictures. I don’t believe in vacation pictures.
Leann and Eddie tell their parents that she is off birth control. Eddie says they are not deliberately trying get pregnant, but if it happens it happens. This qualifier seems to annoy Leann who seems to be trying without him. Continue reading
Because my crappy cable box has to be turned off a lot to reset or it gets all squirrelly, I shut it down late Saturday night and went to bed. I didn’t turn it back on until 12:30 the next morning. So I only have the tennis event to blog about. Perhaps y’all can fill me in for a change on the first half. :) Bravo doesn’t seem to rerun this show much if at all!
Gina was quite late at arriving and everyone started off being irritated with her when she did arrive. What the heck is Andrea wearing? No one seems to bat an eye. Gina excuses herself from the table for a moment and everyone is outraged. Why? Lydia asks Gina why she was cranky. The ladies are trying to goad Gina and Andrea into a conflict. The basis of the issue is Andrea’s rude comments to Gina about her aggressive behavior with the girls. Continue reading
We start with Chyka and her husband Bruce on a romantic date at the beach. They go to a beautiful steak house overlooking the ocean. They are a really cute couple and seem really in love. Aw, Bruce rented out an entire amusement park for the two of them. It’s really a pretty little park. What a romantic date!
It’s Janet’s birthday. She has had her wedding rings melted down and made into a different ring. It still looks like an engagement ring, but it is really beautiful.
Jackie and Ben are working on a bottle cocktail line. Because, housewives. They had an artist paint a picture for the brand label. And then they totally obscured it with some painting technique with flowers dipped in paint. Jackie gave a hippy dippy narrative of what I jus witnessed. I’m not sure how this giant painting covered with randomly splashed paint and live flowers is going to become the brand label. I suppose they will photograph it?
Andrea and Jackie meeting Chyka and Janet for drinks. Andrea begins planting seeds with Jackie regarding Gina’s inappropriate behavior. Next Gina arrives. Is this Janet’s birthday party. Lydia went to her snow house and is missing the celebration. The cake looks amazing. It’s a real cake not the kind with all the fondant and froufrou crap. Andrea pulls Jackie aside and gossips about Gina again. I am not sure if Andrea is going to go in or if she is goading Jackie into doing it. Nope, it’s Andrea. She tells Gina she is too confrontational. Andrea says that she is bringing her court tactics into personal situations. Andrea telling Gina there is a time and a place for everything. Which is some advice she take herself. She is ruining Janet’s birthday party by attacking someone in the middle of a lovely get together. Continue reading
Let’s see if Leann and Eddie can actually do two interesting shows with no mention of Brandi in a row, shall we? The title of this episode is already Brandiesque so I am not very hopeful. This week the dynamic duo is having a couple dozen people over for a BBQ. Since Leann in on tour, her publicist (Can we all take a moment and have a moment of silence for her poor publicist?) has told her to keep a low profile. And out first Brandi innuendo begins within the first two minutes. Eddie and Leann agree that Leann never instigates the twitter wars she only reacts when provoked by stupidity. PUHLEASE. Could these people just block each other on twitter? Problem solved. I block people on twitter every damn day just because I don’t need even the slightest interaction with idiots and people I don’t like.
Eddie has a swimsuit photoshoot for Men’s fitness in two weeks. He must starve himself and work out twice a day. Meanwhile, Leann had just cooked him what she calls pancakes but look more like crepes made by some chef and they are planning a BBQ. Oh and did I mention Leann tweeted the pancakes in front of a mirror with her in nothing but a bra, thong and apron? Accidentally of course. Please. Who cooks in that? No one. That is who. Not an accident and she did not make the “pancakes.” Eddie suggests she delete it, but not a chance of that happening. Continue reading
Look, thirty minutes is just not long enough for a show about anything anymore. I realize in the olden days we had plenty of 30 minute sitcoms that worked. But back then, the commercial breaks weren’t nearly as long. In the present day, a 30 minute show is about 14 minutes long. It’s just not long enough for a decent story arc. Rant over.
This week our lovely couple goes to Nashville. But first, Leann and Eddie bicker about Leann’s over packing for a two-day trip. Eddie is intimidated by Leann’s father. Leann says she went coon hunting for the first time when she was two. Or four. Or Five. She killed a raccoon with a shotgun.
Oh I remember now. Leann sued her father, who was at the time her manager for mismanaging her finances or something. Leann has a tour bus parked on her dad’s property for her to stay in with Eddie. Leann has to go to an interview so Eddie is left alone with Leann’s father. Continue reading
We start with Angelo in the kitchen. Have we discussed how hot Angelo is? Because, hot. I need Leah to come clean my house. Or anyone with OCD, actually. Leah is worried because there was an earthquake last night. She wants to do a home inspection to look for cracks and things that might be alarming. The maid is having trouble keeping a straight face for this scene. Leah’s mom likes earthquakes and think they are exciting.
The hurricane has Leah ready to become a prepper. She is starting with the government list of things to have on hand during a disaster. I did something similar, but I was preparing for the zombie apocalypse. I still need to get five hundred dollars in ones. I’d do that as soon as I have five hundred dollars for the zombie closet.
Leah has a British nanny named Trish. Trish has a business called Bling Gone Wild. She enjoys picking up treasures off the curb and blinging them to resell. Trish’s house is covered floor to ceiling with stuff she has found in other people’s trash and blinged. Continue reading
Well, I can’t put it off any longer. I actually did some dishes as a better option than watching this show, but I am now out of hot water and my back is sore from bending over the sink, it’s 4:30 and I haven’t done a post all day so views are sucking ass. It must be done. Thank the baby Jesus it is only a half hour show.
Okay, now my DVR has stopped working entirely. This is special. After 20 minutes of trying to get the show to play, I’m noticing that the problem is specific to this show. Even my DVR refuses to cooperate with this shit show. It looks like I will have to do the recap based on just reading the description.
Leann goes on a weekend trip with her southern friends. Hmm, Leann has southern friends? Leann has friends? That must have been interesting. It seems that they went four wheeling or something. Perhaps she got injured and had to go to the ER. Perhaps the injury caused to be unable to speak or tweet ever again. My TV is trying really hard to show this recording but the screen looks something like a Picasso. Oh wait, it is playing now. Continue reading
When last we left, we were hopeful that Tanisha had passed on to the great beyond so that Clive could escape her abuse. I think that we will be disappointed because there are shots of her getting the lie detector test and making her final decision. Sorry, Clive. We were all pulling for you. Tanisha and Clive return home that same night. Sounds like a fake panic attack.
The final challenge is a lie detector test! YAY! The spouses get to choose the questions. Roger is the most excited about this exercise. If the questions are not tough enough, the counselors will ask some of their own.
Traci and Kevin are up first.
Traci goes first. Are you really able to believe in me? Will you really be faithful to me? Do you still resent me for cheating? She answered yes to all three.
Kevin was asked, ” Did you ever want to leave me?” (no) Have you been faithful in recent months? NO!!! Traci walks out.
Kevine says he didn’t understand the question. lol.
RESULTS: They were truthful but Kevin admitted to cheating recently. He still says he did not get the question. Continue reading
Instagram via TMZ
Here is a post for my 41 favorite commenters, the ones that read my Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars recaps. You many remember on last Friday’s episode, Tanisha got a all the parts she ever wanted in all the shows there ever were! I told you at the time, “These phone calls with Tanisha give me the distinct impression there is no one on the other end of the phone. First she says she auditioned for something and they said she is “pretty much hired.” Then she tells the group she auditioned for a lot of stuff and got it all. Never once did she say what this role, or all of the roles are. It’s all fake.” Continue reading