I’ve been wanting to watch this but had to wait so I had time to recap. I’m still a bit under the weather. So I’m just going to do a quickie. I’m a bit sleep deprived and cranky so don’t expect much.
Jackie talks about her psychic abilities. And we get a montage of the stupid Shine, Shine, Shine crap. It’s fucking annoying.
Oh God. Now it is Lydia’s turn with her Wows and illiterate comments and butchering of the English language. Lydia is trying to explain her stupidity. The dumb host keeps saying how cute her nonsensical blatherings are.
We’re back and the little troglodyte is on the couch next to his psychic wife. I could care less what he is saying. They play a montage of Jackie talking about how much everything costs.
Lydia’s dog came on the set. WordPress magically shut down. I took this as a sign I could lie down, but decided to power through. We’re almost halfway through and nothing has happened. Continue reading
This reunion seems a bit cooler than US reunions in the beginning. They show all the ladies coming in to the dressing rooms with out make-up. What was on Janet’s face. Why is their hair wet? Janet talks about how bad things have gotten in the press. The announcer says something like “And now the reunion that the whole of Australia has been waiting for…” And then we see the gaudiest set ever. It’s like a living room with way too much crap in it and the Australian Andy Cohen is a bald dude of ambiguous ethnicity wearing sunglasses on his head. Gina clearly scored the best designer to dress her. Her dress is stunning and her makeup is of a color found in nature but her legs remain orange. Janet’s dress looks like she forgot to bring anything to wear and tied a tablecloth under her arms and went with it.
Chyka says she loves everything about filming the housewives. Janet says that she lives in some boondocks area or something and is sheltered from all the public recognition. Jackie has not been doing as many reading because she is busy supporting Ben’s career now. Um, didn’t Ben’s career end in like 1984? The host asks about her reading in the first episode about someone cheating and they seem to be talking about Gina’s boyfriend, sorry, Potnah, already. Gina seems to be deflecting to the other couch where Lydia and Andrea are seated next to Chyka.
Lydia’s face is twice as wide as it used to be. I’m not even sure how that is surgically possible. Andrea is asked about how she is dealing with the press, AKA the fact that everyone hates her. She rambles on about Twitter and how she talks to trolls to enlighten them that they have their facts wrong and most everyone loves her once she does that. That sounds exhausting. Does Twitter not have a block button down under? Continue reading
We start this week with Jackie and Ben auditioning burlesque dancers for their beverage launch. There were nipple tassels. There were but tassels. Jackie and Ben disagreed on which girl to pick so they hired them all.
Gina is having an event and calls Janet to make sure she is coming . It’s a benefit for cancer. They seem to have reconciled and Janet is coming. Andrea and Lydia are out at lunch when Gina calls Lydia to see if she is coming Lydia declines with a flimsy excuse and asks if Andrea is invited. Gina says she doesn’t think Andrea would be interested. It’s Gina’s ten-year anniversary as a cancer survivor. Andrea and Lydia are pissed that Janet is going. They are calling her to try to talk he out if going. What a bunch a bitches. Janet says she doesn’t want to bash Gina anymore. The two bitches are strong arming her into cancelling. Janet holds steadfast and Lydia an Andrea trash Janet when they hang up. They rehash the whole apology crap.
Andrea does a cover shoot for the book that no one wants to publish. She spouts the same ridiculousness in her talking heads. She hopes the photographer can transform her into another person who is not a mom and an accountant. What now she is an accountant. Her looks include angry and dismissive. Those are her words not mine. Because, a book for working moms should always have an angry dismissive cover. She can’t be serious about this. Lydia crashes the cover shoot. They mock the other housewives in the shoot. Of course they do. Continue reading
“When life throws rocks, I melt them down into diamonds” Is possibly the worst tagline ever. Janet and Chyka go on a high-end shopping trip with a personal shopper. Janet still want Gina to apologize. For something. Maybe calling them cunts?
Gina is going to see an elite matchmaker to find her a man. Did Gina just say she has children? Were we supposed to know this already. She has an interesting list of attributes that turn her off, men with saliva problems (gross when eating) and men whose thumbs stick out(indicates they are stupid).
Lydia is fascinated that her housekeeper can peel vegetables with a knife. Lydia is impressed by her skills in picking out her dresses and pretty much making all the decisions for her.
Jackie and Chyka meet to talk about Jackie’s imaginary cocktail line. Well what do you know, it is a thing after all.
OMG Chyka rents the coolest limo ever. The doors open upward and the interior has pink leather accents. Sadly, he good ideas end there as the plan is to take Lydia, Andrea and Gina shopping together to try to make peace. Why on earth would Gina agree to this? They are shopping at a West Elm which has not officially opened to the public yet. Gina invites Chyka and Lydia (???) to a cancer charity event she is having and one of them asks her if she is inviting Andrea and she said the last time she shared with Andrea about her cancer experience she was quite ugly so she is not sure if she wants to invite her. Lydia runs straight to Andrea and tells her that Gina said she wasn’t going to invite Andrea because she is not sure she could behave appropriately at the function. Which is not what Gina said, but also true. Continue reading
It’s time to head back down under to see watch these witches are doing. Melbourne truly is a beautiful city. Too bad is it so far away. Lydia goes over to some idiot woman’s house to gossip about the girls. But first, Lydia completely misses the woman’s joke about not having carbs since 1964. It completely goes over Lydia’s pointy little head and she takes it literally and is baffled. I often say I haven’t cleaned my kitchen since the 1970’s but it would seem obvious that I didn’t even have a kitchen to clean in the 1970s. Are there really many people out there as stupid as Lydia? Apparently the woman’s name is Lisa. Lisa says never to thin, never too rich and Lydia tosses her head back and laughs hysterically. In her talking head Lydia talks about Lisa’s hilarious one-liners. Clearly, she is not familiar with the Duchess of Windsor. I suppose that would require some sort of reading on her part.
Anyway, Lydia goes on to tell Lisa that Gina totally deserved the treatment that she and Andrea gave her at Mission Beach. When Lisa asks who she is closest to in the group she says no one. Then for some reason we hear about Lisa’s life, which we care about not at all.
Poor Andrea is still trying to hawk her book on parenting. She says she knows it is what working mothers want to read, even though he focus group hated the book and looked at her like she had to heads. Undeterred, Andrea goes to speak with a publisher. The publisher suggests that she start with a blog to begin developing a readership base. Andrea keeps saying she is a journalist. I thought she sold face creams out of her husband’s plastic surgery office on days that did not end in “y.” The publicist is kindly explaining in many different ways she has no interest in her book, but Andrea is hearing none of it. Andrea says that she is writing the book solely to get back at someone who told her she didn’t love her children because she works. The publisher is visually appalled and suggests that building up conflict is not the way to go. In her talking head, Andrea basically says “I don’t need no stupid publisher!” Because, delusional. Continue reading
I received an email with a link to this interesting BlogSpot with exactly one entry today. It’s an open letter to Gina Liano from the Real Housewives of Melbourne written back in April. It seems the show was over and the reunion had been filmed and someone *cough* Lydia *cough* was butthurt over editing. Lydia, er, I mean the anonymous author, says the post is not an attack on Gina and then she goes on to insult her hair, her make-up, her pot-nah, her friend Chyka, and her job as a barrister. She seems to think that being a defense attorney is the worst thing in the world. She also calls out Gina for smoking despite having cancer and wearing cheap perfume to cover the smell. No, that is not an attack at all. That’s just being helpful and keeping it 100. Right?
These girls are just green with envy over Gina’s barrister status. Apparently, she represents the lowly “sample people” and ruins lives. The blogger is obsessed with this saying, ” Onto brains, you are a brilliant legal mind! You roped in Foxtel and everyone involved into a neat little contract where you get to behave badly, feed your ego, literally ruin lives and then tell producers…WAIT HERE IT COMES…’I’m a barrister, edit that out or it will ruin my career as a BARRISTER.’I was on the other end of a call the first time I heard that neat little trick. Isn’t that fun? You took responsibility for hundreds of lives the day you forced your hand with that contract. Cast members, staff, down to the person who runs to get coffee on set. That’s cute; you just swooped in and made it your show. Care to deny it?” Yes, dear. She made it her show with pancake makeup and stilettos something you could not do with all the airplanes and cars and helicopter rides in the world. And you’re butthurt. We get it.
Thanks to the commenter who emailed me this, and Michael, I’m not sure if this was on your required reading list or if this is news to you. I filed your email under “important source material to get to ASAP” and now that I have a minute I can’t find it! Anyway, click the link for the whole blog, and/or enjoy the excerpt below with my thoughts and then let’s chat in comments! Continue reading
So we are back to Everyone Hates Jane-uh. I had homework for this article sent by Michael but alas between Frankie, Apollo and the Giudices, I didn’t have to do it this week. Incidentally, Frankie, Apollo and the Giudices would be a good name for a band if anyone is looking. Just envision that collaboration on stage for a moment, would you? Little Milania playing the tambourine. It would be like a Tamara Tattles version of the Partridge Family! Okay. Sorry. Moving on .
By the way, the LBGTQRSTPC folks are on my twitter squealing that I called some old, um, comrades “one flamer away ” from being able to access Frankie’s Facebook page. This is fabulous for ratings. Forgive me if I attempt to rile them up further in this post. Thank God for Gina, she will be the unfortunate target of my anti-gay remarks. Sorry Jane-uh, controversy is money.
YAY we’re going to Mission Beach! They have already frankenbited in “Mission Beach” a couple of times. Seems like the city itself has bought a promo not just the resort. What does “When he’s out step out mean in Aussie?” Because here is translates into a hall pass to fuck around on your rocker husband.
Andrea’s daughter is adorable despite her mother with no maternal instincts. Andrea on the other hand goes into details about her C-section for Bud’s birth. Of course, Lydia yammers on about taking a helicopter to the beach. And Jane-uh is late, probably trying to flame things up a bit. (see what I did there?) Janet is more annoying than usual. I feel less bad about setting up Gina for the gay jokes this episode because she is wearing a dress with one shoulder. The entire housewives franchise has put me off such monstrosities forever. But, I must say, she wears it better than most and the blue is lovely.
Andrea is a brunette? Is this new? How did I ever like Lydia. She is Sofa King annoying. Jackie, Gina and Chyka are all in one helicopter which means it’s fine with me if the other one crashes for the purposes of great TV. The resort is gorgeous. I would never leave it. They rented out the whole thing! Wowsers! Continue reading
Leann and Eddie take their parents on a family trip to Hawaii. I’m pretty sure the boys went too, but they are not allowed to be filmed. I seem to remember Brandi whining about this on Twitter when it happened. Leann’s mom has been married to her stepfather, Ted for about 13 years. Leann loves Ted.
Leann and Eddie rented a three bedroom condo and ranked third on bedroom choices. Welcome to vacationing with family. Someone asks what Leann’s mom is drinking and she says a virgin pina colada. Eddie asked why it’s a virgin. She says she doesn’t like liquor. She’s never smoked, drank or cheated on her husbands. Awkward silence. Leann says, “I’ve got you beat on that one!” Eddie’s dad is one of those people who spends his entire vacation taking pictures. I don’t believe in vacation pictures.
Leann and Eddie tell their parents that she is off birth control. Eddie says they are not deliberately trying get pregnant, but if it happens it happens. This qualifier seems to annoy Leann who seems to be trying without him. Continue reading
Because my crappy cable box has to be turned off a lot to reset or it gets all squirrelly, I shut it down late Saturday night and went to bed. I didn’t turn it back on until 12:30 the next morning. So I only have the tennis event to blog about. Perhaps y’all can fill me in for a change on the first half. :) Bravo doesn’t seem to rerun this show much if at all!
Gina was quite late at arriving and everyone started off being irritated with her when she did arrive. What the heck is Andrea wearing? No one seems to bat an eye. Gina excuses herself from the table for a moment and everyone is outraged. Why? Lydia asks Gina why she was cranky. The ladies are trying to goad Gina and Andrea into a conflict. The basis of the issue is Andrea’s rude comments to Gina about her aggressive behavior with the girls. Continue reading
We start with Chyka and her husband Bruce on a romantic date at the beach. They go to a beautiful steak house overlooking the ocean. They are a really cute couple and seem really in love. Aw, Bruce rented out an entire amusement park for the two of them. It’s really a pretty little park. What a romantic date!
It’s Janet’s birthday. She has had her wedding rings melted down and made into a different ring. It still looks like an engagement ring, but it is really beautiful.
Jackie and Ben are working on a bottle cocktail line. Because, housewives. They had an artist paint a picture for the brand label. And then they totally obscured it with some painting technique with flowers dipped in paint. Jackie gave a hippy dippy narrative of what I jus witnessed. I’m not sure how this giant painting covered with randomly splashed paint and live flowers is going to become the brand label. I suppose they will photograph it?
Andrea and Jackie meeting Chyka and Janet for drinks. Andrea begins planting seeds with Jackie regarding Gina’s inappropriate behavior. Next Gina arrives. Is this Janet’s birthday party. Lydia went to her snow house and is missing the celebration. The cake looks amazing. It’s a real cake not the kind with all the fondant and froufrou crap. Andrea pulls Jackie aside and gossips about Gina again. I am not sure if Andrea is going to go in or if she is goading Jackie into doing it. Nope, it’s Andrea. She tells Gina she is too confrontational. Andrea says that she is bringing her court tactics into personal situations. Andrea telling Gina there is a time and a place for everything. Which is some advice she take herself. She is ruining Janet’s birthday party by attacking someone in the middle of a lovely get together. Continue reading
Let’s see if Leann and Eddie can actually do two interesting shows with no mention of Brandi in a row, shall we? The title of this episode is already Brandiesque so I am not very hopeful. This week the dynamic duo is having a couple dozen people over for a BBQ. Since Leann in on tour, her publicist (Can we all take a moment and have a moment of silence for her poor publicist?) has told her to keep a low profile. And out first Brandi innuendo begins within the first two minutes. Eddie and Leann agree that Leann never instigates the twitter wars she only reacts when provoked by stupidity. PUHLEASE. Could these people just block each other on twitter? Problem solved. I block people on twitter every damn day just because I don’t need even the slightest interaction with idiots and people I don’t like.
Eddie has a swimsuit photoshoot for Men’s fitness in two weeks. He must starve himself and work out twice a day. Meanwhile, Leann had just cooked him what she calls pancakes but look more like crepes made by some chef and they are planning a BBQ. Oh and did I mention Leann tweeted the pancakes in front of a mirror with her in nothing but a bra, thong and apron? Accidentally of course. Please. Who cooks in that? No one. That is who. Not an accident and she did not make the “pancakes.” Eddie suggests she delete it, but not a chance of that happening. Continue reading
Look, thirty minutes is just not long enough for a show about anything anymore. I realize in the olden days we had plenty of 30 minute sitcoms that worked. But back then, the commercial breaks weren’t nearly as long. In the present day, a 30 minute show is about 14 minutes long. It’s just not long enough for a decent story arc. Rant over.
This week our lovely couple goes to Nashville. But first, Leann and Eddie bicker about Leann’s over packing for a two-day trip. Eddie is intimidated by Leann’s father. Leann says she went coon hunting for the first time when she was two. Or four. Or Five. She killed a raccoon with a shotgun.
Oh I remember now. Leann sued her father, who was at the time her manager for mismanaging her finances or something. Leann has a tour bus parked on her dad’s property for her to stay in with Eddie. Leann has to go to an interview so Eddie is left alone with Leann’s father. Continue reading