Category Archives: Lifetime

True Tori Recap THANK GOD THIS IS IT.

true tori

Oh Lord. I don’t know why I feel like I must do this. I feel like I have seen the train wreck and I might as well look. Why is Tori always in bed? She is going to narrate the whole show from her bed. UGH. She is trying to use her sexy voice, or her hosting voice, or some voice that is not her true Tori voice.

In this unseen footage therapy session, Tori basically accuses Dean of lying. Tori wants us to know they were having lots and lots of very kinky sex. She rages about it to her therapist. But she whisper yells to us that she doesn’t want to divulge their specific kinks because, “A lady never tells” but that “Donna Martin definitely graduated.” I’m going to need someone to admit to watching 90210 to explain that inside comment.

Tori is crying the ugly cry because Dean went out for a hamburger when he had filet mignon at home. They are literally discussing that quote.  Next up, “sometimes a haircut is just a haircut.” Oh wait, it’s not about the haircut, it’s about Canada.

Tori just called yelling, “using her big voice.”

I am not sure I can go on. Continue reading

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True Tori Reunion? The Caboose of the Train Derails…

true tori

Well, it’s time for the much anticipated True Tori Reunion. Okay, I know you guys probably didn’t watch and I was up until the wee hours binge watching The Face (I picked the winner in the first episode, btw.) trying to take a little down time. Plus, at least one of you is relentless about the “midget housewives show” so I know what you were doing last night. I’m sorry. I have to draw the line somewhere and mini housewives is below the line. Please drop that campaign. I realize all too late that I should have drawn the line above True Tori as well But now, I shall suffer through the show, for you, my faithful readers.  First of all, how is this a reunion? There are two adults on the show who are married and live together.  Are they reuniting after hair and make-up? I’m already mocking this shit.

Tori says that things are getting better with her situation. But first, let’s replay a montage of all the angry crying and stupidity some of us actually watched on this season. This show only seems watchable late at night after half a box of wine. It’s actually a comedy in the harsh, sober light of day.  All of these whisper conversations are hilarious.

Tori says that she didn’t have any other choice but to film the spectacle that is her marriage because the tabloids would not stop talking about her situation. Really? I had never even paid the least bit of attention to this hot mess until the show was publicized.

The mean people on Twitter say that Tori is getting a taste of her on medicine. Tori says she just accidentally found her soul mate. Well, honey, what if Molly Goodhand, or whoever thinks she has accidentally found her soul mate now. Continue reading

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Dance Moms Recap: Mama Drama

Abby LeeIt’s time for another episode of Dance Moms. I’m sorry, but I really am going to need for Mrs. Miller to die on this episode. I think it is fine to acknowledge her passing on the show as she was a part of Dance Moms. However, I simply can’t deal with the play by play of each moment of her death. We are already starting with Melissa coming in to let Abby know that she been to see Mrs. Miller. For the love of  God can we get on with the pyramid and the bashing of little girls?

Abby congratulations the girls on their 13 straight wins. Then she asks, “Is that time for your teacher to celebrate? Or time for your teacher to get tough?”  I think we all know the answer to that. When Maddie had a long winning streak, there was cake and unicorns. But since this is the group on a winning streak there will be gruel and dragons. Next week “the new team” arrives. Will we finally see Thalia? In other things I could care less about news,  Mackenzie is shooting her video for her song, Girl Party. Continue reading

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Dance Moms Recap: No Bollywood For Nia?

Abby Lee

Before I start blogging I try to do the tagging and the categories (seen below each post, that y’all probably don’t ever even use) because once the blog is done I am so ready to just get it up. As I was doing that now I notice the tag for Thalia.  Remember how they did a weird pre-reunion show before this season? Kelly and her girls were on it. That now seems weird. And there was a girl named Thalia that got a solo on that show. That was also weird. Where the hell is Thalia on this season?

On to a down and dirty Dance Moms recap. I am actually starting to have A LIFE and need to get to that shortly! Let’s start with the soul crushing pyramid. There really wasn’t a pyramid. Kalani was on top for her winning solo. Everyone else is even because the all kept dancing when they could not hear the music. Peyton was dismissed from the group last week. Continue reading

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Dance Moms Recap: Hold On To Your Weave!

Abby Lee

On this week’s Dance Mom’s Abby Lee is in LA with McKenzie so that she can release her first single. Which would make sense if Abby was a manager and McKenzie could sing.  But let us put all of that aside and see how things go. Poor thing. Perhaps a lot of autotune will help.

Maddie is in LA because she booked a job of some sort. Meanwhile, back at the pyramid, Abby says she needs someone who can be her Maddie when Maddie is not there. Nia is at the bottom of the pyramid because her head piece slipped during her solo last week. Kendell is next. Her duet with Kalani came in second behind Maddie and Chloe’s duet that they had worked on since booty camp last summer. So, um that makes sense. Kalani is next on the pyramid. Chloe is next even though her duet with Maddie won. Because Abby hates Chloe and her mother, Kristi. Mackenzie is next because Abby said she was outstanding with the candy box. Whatever. And Maddie is on top of the pyramid because Abby adores her.

Mackenzie has a jazz/gymnastics solo this week. Kalani is getting a solo and so is Chloe. Abby has the girls to an improve dance off to see who will be “Maddie” in the group dance. Kendell wins because the Moms voted and could not vote for their own kid. Chloe came in second. Continue reading

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Dance Moms Recap: Wingman Down

Dance Moms Hylands

Photo Credit: Lifetime

We begin with Abby Lee Miller letting us know that Kelly Hyland  and her daughters Paige and Brooke are out of the company. Abby doesn’t seem to think she has any responsibility for that went down in NYC. Despite Abby Lee still pressing charges against  Hyland,  last I heard so far nothing had happened other than one court appearance where both sides were granted restraining orders. Meanwhile, Kelly is suing Abby Lee and the production team for all sorts child labor law infractions, assault and a variety of other issues one of which includes Abby hiring a choreographer who forced the girls to learn a provocative dance and was later charged with child pornography charges. Allegedly. Maybe.

Nia is getting a solo. I’m worried for her already. Maddie and Chloe have a duet but they are not getting along after Maddie stole Chloe’s duet glory last week. Kalani and Kendall will be doing a duet against Maddie and Chloe. If they win, Abby will take that out on Chloe.

Melissa invites everyone over for wine and cheese. Christi says she is not going.  AlHl the ladies seem to think that Melissa lied. It seemed pretty clear to me last episode that Melissa did not know and begged Abby to not have the Maddie’s duet judged.  I don’t know why everyone is so quick to jump on the Melissa hate wagon. Continue reading

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The Dance Moms Episode We Have All Been Waiting For! (Recap)

Dance Moms She'll Make or Break You

UPDATE: Kelly is suing Abby for and production for 5 million Story on TMZ. (sorry I am too tired to do an interpretative dance explaining the issues with the TMZ story. Just go to the link. )

 

It’s finally time for the Dance Moms episode we have all been waiting for! It’s the trip to NYC where Paige and Brooke’s mom, Kelly Hyland, assaults Abby and she presses charges! The episode is officially called Big Trouble in the Big Apple. I can wait to see how it all goes down.

Pyramid begins as always with Abby Lee telling the girls how disappointed she is despite the group number coming in first place last week. Jill asks Abby if she regrets spending so much time with some random new girl rather than spending time with her actual competition team. Abby says know, she enjoyed working with the girl from open auditions. She also says she plans to build a whole new elite junior competition team. She will have two teams. She tells Maddie that she may put her on the new team .

On the pyramid Chloe is dead last. She came in fourth in her solo last week. Kendall and then Nia because their duet came in third. Then Mackenzie because Abby has been really pushing her to rise to Maddie’s level this season. Then Brooke and Paige neither of them get any love despite being very high on the pyramid because Abby hates Kelly. And of course Maddie is at the top of the pyramid. If I were any of the other girls I would be planning ways to gently kill Maddie in her sleep. Her constant domination is annoying. Abby put all of her instruction time into Maddie is annoying. Maddie getting the best choreography and costumes is annoying.  I have reached my limit. Continue reading

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Eight Dirty Little Secret TV Shows

REal World Explosion

I’ve been watching, but not blogging quite a few good shows lately so I thought it was time for a top ten list.  Only I only have 8 shows. So, a top eight list. Lets get right to it.

Number 8: Kim of Queens  Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on Lifetime.

Kim Gravel is the owner of The Pageant Palace.  She collects misfit girls and attempts to make them her “pageant pros.”  It’s NOT Toddlers and Tiaras.  The girls are older and Kim and her sister Allisyn  Varalla  make most of the costume choices for all of the girls.  Then pageant moms are almost as bad as the Dance Moms but there is less conflict between the moms and more berating of their own child. Kim and Allisyn are hilarious. It’s much more light-hearted than I make it sound. The major negative aspect of the show is that the “misfit girls” they pick up are obvious plants for the most part. The “hillbilly girl” is actually a pageant pro for example and is playing a part. Still, it’s a fun show to DVR and watch on  a Saturday morning.

Number 7: Dance Moms Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on Lifetime

I actually do try to recap this show when I can. It has been around long enough that you have probably made a decision about it already. If you think Abby Lee is a horrible person (I love her) then don’t bother giving it a second look.  This show is one of the more “real” reality shows out there.  Abby really dislikes most of the dance moms. This season Kelly (Brooke and Paige’s mom) actually attacked Abby at an open audition for “replacements” in NYC.  Abby pressed charges and they recently went to court. It remains to be seen if Paige and Brooke are still on the show.  Meanwhile, Nia is rapidly advancing her team rank with great performance.

Number 6: Real World EXplosion  Wednesdays at 10 p.m. on MTV

My obsession with reality TV began with the very first episode of the Real World. I love people watching and this was a great glimpse into the lives of people who were at the time in my age group,  living I NYC. More than 20 years later, I can’t stop watching.  This season the show returns to San Francisco with a twist. After the seven strangers move in and start hooking up, their exes arrive to move in to the house.  There is a lesbian couple that didn’t really seem broken up in the first place. They should be fine. But the token hot head guy hooked up quickly with a brash blond as “friends with benefits” and neither of their exes is happy with the relationship.  The exes arrive in the next episode, so it’s a good time to start watching. Continue reading

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UPDATED! Dance Moms Recap: Break a Leg!

Dance Moms

Leslie comes back with Peyton and Abby has a decent conversation with her. Jill arrives with a gift of silver hoop earrings for Abby to blunt the effects of Kendall getting fifth place with her solo last week. All the moms are nervous about going to Orlando for Open Calls.  Abby is taking Maddie and Mackenzie down early with her to set up. Leslie whines about her not choosing Peyton. Leslie will never learn. Abby is furious that she didn’t have an overall first place solo winner last week.  Pyramid goes as expected. Abby is not happy with Mackenzie’s performance. If Mackenzie doesn’t step up, she is going to find another Asia to dance with ALDC.  Chloe gets the number two spot, but no praise at all.

The group number is “Losing You” a blatant threat that one or more of them could be cut. There are two solos. One for Maddie  her number is called “Down My Spine” and Mackenzie gets the other “Take it To Go.” It’s a jazz/acro  routine.  Mackenzie is not in the group. Brooke is lead on a trio with Chloe and Paige called “Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil.”

Controversy continues over Chloe going out of order last week. Jill says that Chloe had an advantage in going last. Continue reading

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Dance Moms Recap: Number Two Tries Harder

Dancemomschloemaddie

Time for Dance Moms!  The girls are going to Ohio. Which means more drama with the Apple Cores. OMG at Peyton’s abs. You could do your laundry on them. She is in great shape.  She is still to tall to be with this group.

Abby is furious that the girls got third place last week. Abby’s hair is a disaster. Peyton in on the bottom of the period because she cried when her skull was pierced with barrettes.  Unacceptable. Your mother may be drilling holes through your skull with bobby pins, but save the tears for your pillow.  Next is Brooke. She fucked up the group routine last week. But at least she didn’t cry.  Then we have,  Nia. Sigh.  Mackenzie is next for acting her age in the dressing room. Then Paige, Kendall and Chloe. The trio that won first.  Abby is still not happy.  Maddie is on top. More talk about Maddie carrying the team. No solo for Maddie.  Solos go to Chloe and Kendall along with intense pressure.  The group dance is called “just another number” to show them they are all replaceable.

Abby says that Peyton stands out like a sore thumb. Um DUH. I have been saying that since last season. Continue reading

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Dance Moms Returns For New Season

dance-moms-season-4-jill-holly-kidsApparently,  Dance Moms is doing a reunion before the new season airs. That’s rather weird. It also amazes me how much these girl grow up in between seasons! Also, the makeup on the girls and the mothers is miles above the housewives of anywhere on their reunion shows. Mackenzie is apparently giving makeup tips on YouTube, I suggest all the housewives check it out for some lessons.

On the reunion, it was the same old same old.  Brooke sang her cute little song. I am not a huge fan of that. I don’t know why. I think it may have something to do with her sort of aging out of this show. She wants to be a Disney kid it seems to me and that might be a better place for her now.

It looks like Nia may have fallen into favor with Abby since she has been taking a lot of privates.  Abby seemed to struggle to find fault with her on the reunion show.

Chloe’s solo was amazing! I am still pissed that Chloe did not get to defend her national title last year. That was cruel.  Still I wish Christi would keep her head down and stop making things worse for Chloe.  Maddie’s solo had one huge bobble. And it was not her best performance. Kendall’s solo looked rusty. Which is odd because they have likely already filmed everything, right?

Ut oh,  Abby has brought in a ringer to dance on the team. Her name is Thalia and she is quite good.  Chloe and Maddie are going to have to up their game! Now on the premiere! Continue reading

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Project Runway AllStars: Time to Sew Stiches and Cut Bitches!

pras3-promo-600x300It’s the season premiere of Project Runway AllStars. I suppose I will be for Michael Knight since he is a homeboy. I don’t remember if I like him or not. I think I do. I think it was Anthony from Atlanta that I wasn’t particularly fond of.  I don’t recognize a lot of the designers. I missed several seasons when the show moved off Bravo and on to Lifetime.

One designer was a man on their first show and is now a woman. Or a cross dresser. Hard to say. Either way she is a much prettier woman than she was a man. The bad thing about AllStars is there is no Tim Gunn. I actually like the judges better on AllStars though. I am not a big Zac Posen fan. Alyssa Milano is an interesting choice for hostess. Zanna Roberts Rassi from Marie Claire is playing the role of Tim Gunn this season. As if. Continue reading

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