Category Archives: Lifetime

Dance Moms Recap: The Understudies

Dance Moms Tribal Council

Nia danced the lead in the winning group dance last week. Will she make the top of the pyramid? I’m not holding my breath. We go straight to pyramid. Kendell had a small issue with the group dance. She owned it and Abby moved on to Chloe. Chloe was “fine.” Mackenzie is next because she didn’t win her solo. Next is NIA. Because Abby is a horrible, horrible person.  Maddie is on top. Because, Maddie.

The Candy Apples will be at competition and Maddie was supposed to do  a solo against Gino. So Kendall and Chloe will understudy her solo because it looks like Maddie may be called away on another assignment. Maddie will be the lead on the group competition and if she gone they will do the routine without a lead because no one compares to Maddie and they may as well all give up.

The moms begin to keep a tally of put downs for the girls versus compliments for Maddie. Abby is not thrilled with the tally board. Continue reading

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Dance Moms: No More Cry Babies!

Dance Moms Tribal Council

We begin with CHRISTy bringing Sarah in for a regular lesson. Abby and her choreographer are at the front desk. She tells Abby that Sarah dancing is really improving and despite Abby not liking CHRISTy, she should give Sarah a second look. So CHRISTy is back with Sarah just in time for the pyramid.

This week is not a pyramid, it’s a totem pole in honor of this week’s theme. On the bottom of the totem pole is Nia. Because, she’s Nia. Mackenzie,  Kendall, Tia, Chloe she was almost nice to Chloe. And of course, Maddie is on top.

Mackenzie has a blues solo entitled Out of My Mind.  Sarah is doing a lyrical routine to On My Own. Tea gets a musical theatre piece called No Crybabies.  The three ten and under are competing for a solo at Nationals. Ava will be competing against Mackenzie and Tea in the 10-12 age bracket. This technically means that Sarah could win her group and one of the other two girls could still win 10-12.

The group number is “and ethnic piece” called Tribal Council. Abby pulls a headdress out of thin air in the most bizarre editing to date. As soon as I heard the word “ethnic” knew this was going to be Nia’s group number to win or lose. Sure enough Abby gives Nia the lead. If they lose it will all fall on Nia’s shoulders. If they win, it will be because Maddie was in the number. We know how this goes by now. The dance incorporates jazz, modern, acrobatics, gymnastics and contemporary. Sarah and Tia will not be in the group routine, just the elite team. Continue reading

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Dance Moms: Chloe Gets Revenge

Dance Moms Ava Cota

I already love the title of this episode, Chloe Gets Revenge.  It’s about freakin’ time. We start with the Elite Team and the Select Team both in studio. The Select Team is pissed that Jade and her mother are standing with the Elite Team. Or jealousy may be a better term.

Pyramid time. Mackenzie is on the bottom because she was not in the number. That caused the group’s age group to put them in a tougher bracket. Next is Chloe. She placed 6th in her solo.  Nia is next Abby didn’t like her feet. Next is Jade, she came in 3rd at the last competition, she can be third on the pyramid. Next is Kendall she did well. Maddie is on the top because, she always is on top of the pyramid.

Ava from the Select team has a solo against Maddie. Ava’s solo is called “Drizzle.” Maddie’s solo has a song written especially for her by someone called “Happiness.”  Chloe gets kicked down to the Select Team. Continue reading

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Dance Moms Recap: Sacre Bleu!

Dance Moms New Season

This week Jade is back to dance for a week . Not much chit-chat before we go straight to pyramid. We have Chloe on the bottom because Abby openly despises her. Chloe came in second. For this she must be emotionally flogged.  Next is Nia. Nia came in fourth and was in my opinion robbed. If she had done that same routine in a civilized costume and not encumbered by a fucking dog leash, she could have won. Next is Mackenzie. This shocking as she is the favorite.  Maddie is next. Kendell actually gets the top of the pyramid! She had the overall high score last week.

This week is a very large competition. Studio Bleu will be there and they are major competition. Abby has decided to save the dance she originally wanted for nationals. She doesn’t think they will win at this competition. This is a strange move even for Abby. They have no group choreography ready to go for one of the biggest competitions of the season.

Chloe and Jade both have solos. Abby is only working with Jade. Chloe rehearses alone.

Continue reading

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Dance Moms Recap: Give Me Face Like Maddie!

Dance Moms Gypsies

I really need a break from race wars and suicides and felons by bravo so I thought, “What better than to recap Dance Moms, a lovely little show about crushing the souls of little girls?” This week Maddie is in LA doing the Ellen show and doing the dance she did for the  SIA video.  So who will be able to step up to the plate and win in Maddie’s absence?

Pyramid time. Maddie on the bottom because she is not there. Chloe is next because she fell in the group dance. Nia was next because Abby hates her and because her ballet needs work. Next was Sarah. Abby said she was a beat behind. Dumbass CHRISTy had to pipe up and say, “not true.”.  Mackenzie was “too short.” lol So somehow Kendall gets to be on top of the pyramid.

Abby needs a lead for the group dance but she hasn’t decided who it is yet. Three solos are available. One for Kendall, Nia gets a jazz route called “underdog.” Chloe gets a contemporary called “I should have known. CHRISTy goes off on Abby for Sarah not getting a solo. Abby threatens to cut Sarah from the group routine.

The group routine is Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves. It seems dumb already. Kendall seems to get the lead, but we all know that when Maddie comes back, she will probably take it. Yep. Abby is already threatening that very thing. Maddie is back and Abby is going to have Maddie assist the three soloist by critiquing them and giving feedback. Abby threatens to give Maddie Kendall’s solo. Maddie already learned the solo before leaving for LA. How convenient. Continue reading

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Dance Moms: Kiss or Get Off the Pot!

Abby Lee

I am so behind on recapping lately. Mostly it’s because I have been SOFA KING tired lately. I blame the weather. It’s been either 100 degrees or 85 and rainy. Also, Big Brother has really thrown my sleep schedule, if I ever had one, off.  I am going to try to get through Dance Moms without nodding off. I just made coffee and am going in.

Oh my god from the previews alone I am excited. This week the stupid B team has been allowed to go back to wherever they actually live.  But since Sarah and her nightmare mother CHRISTy are local, Sarah is going to be allowed to dance with the elite team. IF CHRISTy can keep her big mouth shut. At pyramid, Abby lays into the girls for losing twice in a row. She said they were poor losers.

We begin pyramid with Chloe on the bottom. She had some bad turns. But really at the very bottom Abby? Next is Maddie, this should not be nearly as surprising as it would have been last season. Maddie is not longer Abby’s favorite. Mackenzie is.  Christi is a bit giddy to see her on the bottom. Abby says Maddie is the team leader and when things go wrong everyone follows her lead. Next is Kendall, Abby searches for something to say about her. She goes with the fact that she was in the trio with Chloe’s sloppy turns. Because that is Kendall’s fault? Nia is second from the top but Abby tells her she is not flexible. Then her darling Mackenzie. Mackenzie had all sorts of issues last week. I started to wonder if this was a reverse order. Then I realized that she is being mean to all of them and putting all of them on the bottom so she can put stupid little Sarah alone on the top because she was in the winning group number. Oh, Abby. Continue reading

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Dance Moms Season Premiere Recap: Too Many Moms

Dance Moms New Season

Oh crap. The stupid other team is back. If we have two teams all season, I will be pissed. I don’t like the other moms. I don’t like change. I only care about the girls I have been following for years. The Fat Bible Thumping Ogre Woman  (FBTOW) really needs to go. She ran her mouth to get her kid taken out of the comp last season and she clearly hasn’t learned a thing. Send her packing for good, Abby.  I can’t take a whole season of her.

It’s time for the focus on Maddie’s accomplishments portion of the show. Abby has Maddie explain she shot a video for Sia.  If you missed it check that link, it’s worth a view.  Kalani was not asked back? I am SHOCKED. Kira must have really pissed off Abby. Since Kalani is gone, Maddie is back on the original team.

Pyramid time. Kendell is on the bottom because she and Kalani got beat by two of the B team girls in the last competition. Next is Nia because Abby hates her. Next is Mackenzie, yet all Abby can say is how great she is as a pop princess, but her dancing needs work. Maddie is next.  CHLOE IS ON TOP OF THE PYRAMID!!!  Yay! But of course Abby has to say that two of the judges had the B-teamer higher than Chloe. Christy says there is a rumor going around that Abby confronted the judges and demanded to know how Chloe beat the B teamer. Just be quiet Christy. This will get you nowhere. Continue reading

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True Tori Recap THANK GOD THIS IS IT.

true tori

Oh Lord. I don’t know why I feel like I must do this. I feel like I have seen the train wreck and I might as well look. Why is Tori always in bed? She is going to narrate the whole show from her bed. UGH. She is trying to use her sexy voice, or her hosting voice, or some voice that is not her true Tori voice.

In this unseen footage therapy session, Tori basically accuses Dean of lying. Tori wants us to know they were having lots and lots of very kinky sex. She rages about it to her therapist. But she whisper yells to us that she doesn’t want to divulge their specific kinks because, “A lady never tells” but that “Donna Martin definitely graduated.” I’m going to need someone to admit to watching 90210 to explain that inside comment.

Tori is crying the ugly cry because Dean went out for a hamburger when he had filet mignon at home. They are literally discussing that quote.  Next up, “sometimes a haircut is just a haircut.” Oh wait, it’s not about the haircut, it’s about Canada.

Tori just called yelling, “using her big voice.”

I am not sure I can go on. Continue reading

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True Tori Reunion? The Caboose of the Train Derails…

true tori

Well, it’s time for the much anticipated True Tori Reunion. Okay, I know you guys probably didn’t watch and I was up until the wee hours binge watching The Face (I picked the winner in the first episode, btw.) trying to take a little down time. Plus, at least one of you is relentless about the “midget housewives show” so I know what you were doing last night. I’m sorry. I have to draw the line somewhere and mini housewives is below the line. Please drop that campaign. I realize all too late that I should have drawn the line above True Tori as well But now, I shall suffer through the show, for you, my faithful readers.  First of all, how is this a reunion? There are two adults on the show who are married and live together.  Are they reuniting after hair and make-up? I’m already mocking this shit.

Tori says that things are getting better with her situation. But first, let’s replay a montage of all the angry crying and stupidity some of us actually watched on this season. This show only seems watchable late at night after half a box of wine. It’s actually a comedy in the harsh, sober light of day.  All of these whisper conversations are hilarious.

Tori says that she didn’t have any other choice but to film the spectacle that is her marriage because the tabloids would not stop talking about her situation. Really? I had never even paid the least bit of attention to this hot mess until the show was publicized.

The mean people on Twitter say that Tori is getting a taste of her on medicine. Tori says she just accidentally found her soul mate. Well, honey, what if Molly Goodhand, or whoever thinks she has accidentally found her soul mate now. Continue reading

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Dance Moms Recap: Mama Drama

Abby LeeIt’s time for another episode of Dance Moms. I’m sorry, but I really am going to need for Mrs. Miller to die on this episode. I think it is fine to acknowledge her passing on the show as she was a part of Dance Moms. However, I simply can’t deal with the play by play of each moment of her death. We are already starting with Melissa coming in to let Abby know that she been to see Mrs. Miller. For the love of  God can we get on with the pyramid and the bashing of little girls?

Abby congratulations the girls on their 13 straight wins. Then she asks, “Is that time for your teacher to celebrate? Or time for your teacher to get tough?”  I think we all know the answer to that. When Maddie had a long winning streak, there was cake and unicorns. But since this is the group on a winning streak there will be gruel and dragons. Next week “the new team” arrives. Will we finally see Thalia? In other things I could care less about news,  Mackenzie is shooting her video for her song, Girl Party. Continue reading

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Dance Moms Recap: No Bollywood For Nia?

Abby Lee

Before I start blogging I try to do the tagging and the categories (seen below each post, that y’all probably don’t ever even use) because once the blog is done I am so ready to just get it up. As I was doing that now I notice the tag for Thalia.  Remember how they did a weird pre-reunion show before this season? Kelly and her girls were on it. That now seems weird. And there was a girl named Thalia that got a solo on that show. That was also weird. Where the hell is Thalia on this season?

On to a down and dirty Dance Moms recap. I am actually starting to have A LIFE and need to get to that shortly! Let’s start with the soul crushing pyramid. There really wasn’t a pyramid. Kalani was on top for her winning solo. Everyone else is even because the all kept dancing when they could not hear the music. Peyton was dismissed from the group last week. Continue reading

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Dance Moms Recap: Hold On To Your Weave!

Abby Lee

On this week’s Dance Mom’s Abby Lee is in LA with McKenzie so that she can release her first single. Which would make sense if Abby was a manager and McKenzie could sing.  But let us put all of that aside and see how things go. Poor thing. Perhaps a lot of autotune will help.

Maddie is in LA because she booked a job of some sort. Meanwhile, back at the pyramid, Abby says she needs someone who can be her Maddie when Maddie is not there. Nia is at the bottom of the pyramid because her head piece slipped during her solo last week. Kendell is next. Her duet with Kalani came in second behind Maddie and Chloe’s duet that they had worked on since booty camp last summer. So, um that makes sense. Kalani is next on the pyramid. Chloe is next even though her duet with Maddie won. Because Abby hates Chloe and her mother, Kristi. Mackenzie is next because Abby said she was outstanding with the candy box. Whatever. And Maddie is on top of the pyramid because Abby adores her.

Mackenzie has a jazz/gymnastics solo this week. Kalani is getting a solo and so is Chloe. Abby has the girls to an improve dance off to see who will be “Maddie” in the group dance. Kendell wins because the Moms voted and could not vote for their own kid. Chloe came in second. Continue reading

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