By Guest Contributor Becky J.
First off—how has this never been a Housewives episode title before? Genius.
Annnd, we’re back in Mexico this week! This trip must be close to a Housewives world record for turning a little four-day vacation into many, many hours of show footage.
The episode picks up right at the point where Brandi is calling Cary out for telling her that her doctor killed people on the operating table. Cary responds that Brandi, “100% made that up.” Brandi says she didn’t. Cary is mad that Brandi isn’t defending her against LeeAnne’s latest “death threat” and fails to see the connection between bashing the two doctors. The takeaway here is that e’rybody acting stupid and dramatic death threats are just part of LeeAnne’s personality.
The group splits up after dinner and Cary does her usual girl’s trip thing (which I think is fine) and goes back to the hotel with Kameron to do face masks and hang out in flannel jammies and the rest of the women have a wild night at the tequila bar.
The next morning there is far too much footage of Kameron sucking up to Cary. Stephanie and Brandi decide to find the dildo, “Sexual Chocolate” to torture and embarrass Kameron some more. They ask LeeAnne where it is and she claims to have thrown it away. Also, D’Andra asks Brandi if she slept in her makeup and she says no, which is a total lie. Side note: I feel like Brandi and MJ from Shahs both smell like dogs, stale perfume, booze, self-tanner and desperation.
There is an awkward morning after with Cary facing Brandi. They don’t talk about the night before. D’Andra has planned a beach ropes course-type activity and broken them into teams based on who currently hates each other. It’s Brandi/Kameron, LeeAnne/Cary and D’Andra/Stephanie. It’s really funny to watch all the ladies struggle around in the sand during the obstacle course, especially LeeAnne. She redeems herself by winning the volleyball game. I hope she brought her painkillers…
They have lunch on the beach. Stephanie opens up about her son struggling in school. Cary says she has to wash the sand out of her vagina. Brandi wonders why Cary’s vagina talk doesn’t bother Kameron, but Sexual Chocolate does. Ugh! Now it’s time for Brandi and Stephanie to pose as the other ladies to gain access to LeeAnne’s room to find the dildo. Surprise, it’s under her pillow.
The ladies are on a afternoon yacht trip. The boat seems smallish to me, but I’m used to Valor I guess. I do like the gruff, leathery Captain—Below Deck Mexico perhaps? It’s bright and sunny, but Cary notices high winds and choppy waves. Kameron is not willing to let everybody get along and have a nice day, so she makes sure to stir the pot with her giant Disney Princess-looking hand mirror/phone case. She whispers behind her hand (like an 8th grader) to Cary that Stephanie and LeeAnne acting friendly is fake and reminds her to be mad about the night before.
Kameron must have realized how insignificant she is to the storyline, so she jumps right in the middle of everything and fucks up the fun of the boat trip. Then it becomes another airing of grievances. Cary gets called out for the “Rich has a small penis” comment, LeeAnne counters in her interview footage with a photoshopped cell phone pic of Rich where you can see the outline of a large dick through his pants. I personally think it’s the bottom half of an old pic of Jon Hamm.
Speaking of dicks, Brandi goes on a tirade about being in the middle of the ongoing Cary and LeeAnne fight. She quotes LeeAnne about saying Mark gets his dick sucked by guys at the Round Up (more free publicity for the Round Up). Cary almost laughs it off, which would have been the appropriate reaction if it’s not true, but then she gets all hurt. She tries to make LeeAnne feel like shit by bringing up the fact that Mark has three kids—aged 20, 16 and 4—who may someday see this show. It’s a valid point but she forgets LeeAnne is a sociopath, so she doesn’t care. LeeAnne just says she spends a lot of time in the LGBT community in Dallas and everybody knows Mark likes a good blowie, plus it would be cool to be first “bi-sexual couple” on Housewives.
The boat ride gets a little choppy, like just a little, and Stephanie starts puking. They are pretending it’s from the swells, but it’s really from the many tequila shots. Cary then starts puking, but just a little bit. It’s idiotic. LeeAnne gets in everybody’s face and claims that she always says sorry and owns her shit. Yeah, right. Then it somehow turns into another chance to play with the dildo.
Kameron stalks off to whine and pretend the dildo makes her sad. I hate her.
Next time: Cary confronts Mark about the dick sucking rumors. He looks scary mad. LeeAnne tells Brandi that Cary doesn’t want to be friends and Kameron’s quest for relevance continues with a box of batteries.