We start tonight with Kelly preparing for her breast reduction. How does one prepare for a breast reduction if one is an OC housewife? Well first, one’s husband stands you outside topless and makes a plaster of Paris mold of your soon to be former boobs. Because, memories. Then, one throws a “Boob Voyage Party” and invites one’s friends to come bid your boobs adieu. I mean who doesn’t know that?
I almost like Lydia when she isn’t advertising her magazine and is doing her job this season. Every season needs a bone carrier who can move back and forth between warring factions to stir the pot. That’s Lydia’s job. So she sits down with Tamra to tell her about Vicki’s birthday party where Gretchen and that one gay guy arrived to talk about Eddie making out with a guy. Lydia makes it clear that she doesn’t like Shannon because she seems really high maintenance. As if on cue, Shannon calls Tamra for the 23rd time that day.
Someone, anyone needs to tell Diko how to wear sunglasses. And must we go to every single boob expander visit that Peggy has?
Is Shannon’s restaurant really called Real 4 Real? This tells us nothing.
Oh look, we are in another doctor’s office where Doug is reading that famous Ephesians passage about husbands and wives. As one does before meeting with a vasectomy surgeon. Doug says that he deserves some sort of snip gift from his wife for this procedure. Married people are weird.
It’s time for the Boob Voyage Party, since Meghan is not invited, we get a boring scene with Meghan and her cousin rehashing Meghan’s meltdown over Kelly telling her to stay home and watch her kid. Meghan’s filmed interactions with the baby always seem awkward to me. As hard as she worked to get this kid…it seems like she’s unhappy. The baby always seems to be crying with her. I saw the kid on IG today and her hair is simply not growing at all. But she is adorable and walking and playing with Girly Girl. Very cute.
What better way to say goodbye to your boobs than beach volleyball? One last painful jumping up and down sport that tests the limits of your jog bra. I am amazed that every single cast member is playing. Also, while they are not good players by any stretch, they seem to be giving it their all. Is beach volleyball the answer for this group?
Kelly has gone all out for this party with shrimp, salads, catered desserts and champagne. There is the requisite boob cake, cupcake boobs, and buttery nipples. Lydia has been tasked by production with pushing Vicki and Tamra into a conversation. Tamra starts crying at the thought of it. Shannon tells Tamra not to talk to Vicki. Shannon seems to be terrified of the thought of Vicki and Tamra making up.
I need to pause this shit show for a moment to talk about Vicki’s pants. Please see the photo above. This does not give you the full picture of how bad they are. Especially from the back. These women need to choose better wardrobes for these all cast scenes where they will be filming fights that are replayed forever. I have no words to express how bad the pants look.
Sorry, back to the fight. Kelly takes Vicki and Tamra into her bedroom for a one on one but she stays so as not to miss the show, and probably to make sure they don’t destroy her bedroom. Vicki tells Tamra in a loud voice that she has to stop calling her names and saying she is playing the victim. She also says she did not invite Ricki to her party, he just showed up. Not sure if I believe that or not but it sounds like something production would do.
Meanwhile, Shannon, the professional victim and reigning holder of the batshit crazy title, is railing on Lydia and Peggy about what a horrible person Vicki is and how she traumatized her and made her fat and caused her husband to have an affair and provided uranium to North Korea. Don’t they understand that Vicki ruined her entire life? No, no they do not. Shannon changes course and decides to barge into the bedroom where Vicki and Tamra are. She must be in there to support Tamra, by God, because Kelly is in there with Vicki. This should go well.
So all six ladies end up in the bedroom while the guys have a drink on the patio overlooking the Pacific. Except for David. Where is David for all of this? Oh and Eddie is not there either. Interesting.
Tamra says that Vicki lied about having cancer. Oh Lawdy here we go. Vicki says they better stop saying that or she will go nuclear. Shannon repeats the charge with a neck roll for good measure. Tamra walks out of the room. Vicki says that Shannon is lying about David’s domestic violence (Because she is) Shannon waddles over to Vicki and pointa her fat little sausage finger in her face. Then she backs off and says that Vicki doesn’t affect her anymore and drops her hand in front of her face in some sort of weird lowering the curtain way. Then she walks out of the room. Leaving Lydia and Peggy to point out to Vicki that the talk, indeed, did not go well.
Shannon practically has a stranglehold on Tamra as she is telling her that Vicki is evil and trying to keep her from talking to her. When Lydia shows up, she tells Lydia for the second or third time at this event that she cried herself to sleep every night and gained 35 pounds because of Vicki. She’s talking in a low whispery voice that accentuates her crazy. She completely forgets she is trying to brainwash and comfort Tamra long enough to tell Lydia how proud she is of herself for walking away from Vicki. It’s a terrifying scene. She whispers, “It doesn’t matter anymore” with another curtain dropping hand wave over her face. She has once again made everything that happens all about her. Lydia points out about how everything is always all about Shannon. Vicki skeedaddles in her weird pants.
Peggy has been becoming increasingly aggressive despite being a nonmutherfuckingfactor in this equation. She tried to physically block Shannon from going into the bedroom. Now she is lecturing Tamra about the entire situation. And when Shannon whispers something to Kelly about just keeping her head down, Peggy seems highly offended. The tension is thick, until Kelly returns with the plaster cast of her boobs for everyone to sign. Tamra immediately wants to see the real thing and Kelly grabs Shannon’s boobs, as grown straight women do on any given afternoon. Tamra grabs Lydia’s boob and finds out they are fake. She had them done after kid number three. She doesn’t want to discuss it with all the guys in the room. Then there is an altercation between Lydia and Shannon because when Lydia told Tamra about her boob job, Shannon squeezed Tamra’s leg and gave her a look that Lydia took to be mocking her. Lydia really cannot stand Shannon. Lydia keeps repeating Shannon’s usual line, “I’m done. I’m done. I’m Done.”
It’s boob cake time and Shannon is flipping her lid. She screams at Tamra to “Come Here” and when she dares to finish swallowing the piece of cake in her mouth, she screams, “NOW!” in the same tone I use when Banjo is getting perilously close to having a small Mexican toddler for a tasty snack. Then she calls her for a THIRD time! I hope Tamra gets the switch on the back of her legs for not coming after the first command. Before she can even fill Tamra in, Doug and Lydia say their goodbyes. This doesn’t work well for Shannon’s final dramatic scene so the two engage as she is walking out the door. Shannon starts to cry, because, menopause, and now Lydia feels obligated to stand there and let Shannon have her scene. When Lydia left, Shannon went straight for Tamra to yell at her for not coming when she is called. Shannon goes to the bar and orders a drink, and then tells the bartender her entire story.
Next week, Peggy begins her quest to snatch the batshit crazy crown from Shannon. That would be quite the feat at this point.