Sorry for tonight’s delay. It’s been a long emotionally draining day with Irma visiting Atlanta today and I opted to watch the finale of Bachelor in Paradise first tonight. If I had any real expectation of this show being even marginally interesting I would have recapped it first. Let’s see what I missed.
We start with Briana explaining to Vicki that hosting her own birthday party is a bad enough idea without having it be a Vicki Gunvalson roast. Clearly Vicki didn’t really understand what a roast would be. I am all in my feels today and seeing Vicki in that immaculate kitchen with nothing better to do than arrange flowers made me extremely envious. Part of me thought that if a tree did fall on my house today, that I could finally clean this hell hole up and renovate my kitchen. And by renovate I mean have functioning electrical outlets and appliances that are not literally rusted through. It’s just to overwhelming to contemplate the logistics of all of that.
Peggy seems hell bent on getting the store that one of her daughters works at on the show. She must know the owners and the girl likely doesn’t even work there. I’ve never seen someone so excited about a job in retail. Although, working at Macy*s in the men’s tie department was one of my favorite jobs ever. When Kelly meets Peggy there and tells her she can’t try on clothes because she just had her vagina tightened, Peggy replied, “Oh, was it loose?” And for the first time all season, Peggy landed one of her stupid “I’ve lived her 50 years and don’t speak the language” type deadpan jokes.
When Lydia is not doing a magazine advertisement with her husband, she is a welcome addition to this show. I love how she has no problem telling Meghan that she crossed the line with Kelly first by texting her asking if she was cheating on her husband. Don’t poke the bull Meghan if you don’t want Kelly to responded about the constant rumors of Jim and his wandering penis. It is exactly the same thing. It also makes no sense because Kelly and Meghan were friends last season. Why on earth is Meghan suddenly her arch enemy? When Lydia points this all out to Meghan she fake cries with no tears and says she is not going to stand here and have this discussion while her baby is at home getting a bottle because she came on this walk instead of breast feeding her. Lydia says,” Well, let’s just go back then.” It’s not Lydia’s fault you are not breastfeeding your baby, Meghan. Meghan says she is not mean and she is not trying to stir shit up. Meghan, you stir shit up like it’s your job. Because it is.
Why do we keep getting recaps of scenes that sucked donkey balls the first time we endured them?
Vicki calls Tamra ask if she wants to meet up for coffee. I think both people are expecting an apology. That never works well.
It is Shannon’s birthday again. Last year on her birthday was their vow renewal. This year they are still talking about Vicki. David points out that what Vicki said didn’t bother him, and he knew it bothered her and he could not convince her to to let it go, so he just pulled away a bit. Shannon says, “When then I guess it’s all my fault.” Of course it is all your fault you fat bitch! You are going through menopause, it is a fucking life changing event of epic proportions that no one understands until it happens to them. You get fat. You get cranky. You get hot. You get annoyed. It’s all about you and if you have the luxury of someone being around during that time they tip toe around you and go play golf a lot, or take up Sparta marathons waiting on it to pass. All of what you are going through is not anyone’s fault it is biology. But emasculating your husband on national television, first about the affair and not constantly sending into the universe that he was physically abusive to you is your fault. How you handle menopause, is totally your choice. And your stupid decisions and cause a lot relationships to fall by the wayside as you try to keep the boat floating. You are drilling holes in the boat. STOP DOING THAT and go get some therapy.
Shannon says when you say I didn’t let it go you make it sound like I am obsessed. Perhaps that is because you have been repeating the negative accusations about your husband across two seasons and two continents. David says she can keep talking about it if she wants to. Clearly, he doesn’t give a shit anymore. David holds her hand and she says that it the first time he has held her hand in six months. Oh, please Shannon. This is not they way to fix your marriage. If you want to go on dates and get texts, how about you stop being such a bitch? She is tortured trying to figure out what happened. You happened. Menopause happened. Try to be nice to your husband and happy you have one. Especially if your daddy bought him for you.
It’s time for Vicki’s birthday and her family has come to help celebrate. So I assume not the Tamra and Vicki détente will be last. Ryan took vacation time to
be on camera come to Vicki’s party. He and Briana gave Vicki a gun. Actually Briana got one too. Vicki is shocked to find out that the man she is dating has a gun on him at all times? Really? But her bigger concern is that no one is coming to her party.
For reasons that are unclear to me, the anti Vicki people are doing an in scene add for some weird nitrogen restaurant. Apparently, Vicki and Shannon have the same birthday? Is that why Vicki is so worried not one it coming? Sorry, I am running out of steam. It’s been a very long day. This may be for Eddie’s birthday. It’s everyone’s birthday! This restaurant is way to gimmicky to be good.
Has Andy Cohen had a penis enlargement in an attempt to lure the twinks on the Circuit? (blind item reveal). Because lately he has been doing his WWHL promos with such a wide stance I feel like it has to be either a sexually transmitted disease or some sort of surgery. Am I the only one to notice he stands up for the promos now in some way to suggest he actually has something going on down there?
Vicki’s house is gorgeous. Jeana is there for Vicki’s birthday party. That’s sweet. Jeana is the original housewife. Vicki asks Kelly if she is sure she wants a breast reduction. I am sure for Kelly. If I was not terrified of surgery and rich, I’d have a breast reduction and and a tummy tuck all at once. Big boobs suck. Later Jeana tells a funny story about Kelly Dodd. She says she walked up to her boyfriend and pointed to her boobs and said, “I want to take the 600s down to 400s.” Jeana says Kelly didn’t realize she is not dating a plastic surgeon anymore, she’s dating a realtor. Funny. But Kelly, I know you read here, 400 is still way to much and in a few years you will want to go down more. Trust and believe.
Lydia was apparently invited to the counter party for Eddie, but he kid had a birthday at the same time or something? I’m lost.
Gretchen Rossi arrives. Vicki and Gretchen and Kelly have been close lately. Vicki is getting wasted. Lizzie is there and I barely recognize her. Slade is there. This is a BIG deal of a party there is a full on sit down dinner in Vicki’s backyard. It has a pool and a grotto and it is allegedly why Kelly is selling her Malibu house because her kid likes Vicki’s house better and wants a pool. This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Kelly’s kid has PACIFIC OCEAN outside her house.
Vicki tells Lydia that she called Tamra to have a conversation. Lydia is happy.
Vicki’s party went off without a hitch, or a fight And she professed her undying love for Steve. But there are four minutes left. Will it be the rumored proposal? Or just another catfight?
WAIT. I CAN. NOT. BELIEVE. LIZZIE. IS. A. PART. OF. THIS. CONVERSATION. We are back to the Eddie is gay rumor. It’s been a rumor since Eddie first appeared on the show. It’s the reason Tamra is pissed at Vicki. This is so beneath Lizzie. I am beyond disappointed in Lizzie. Gretchen? Sure. But Lizzie did this for five minutes of camera time? So the guy at the table with Vickie, Gretchen, Lizzie and Kelly is the best man at Tamra’s wedding. And he says he personally saw Eddie making out with a man. This is 50 shades of wrong from EVERYONE at this table. When he was asked why he didn’t tell Tamra he says it was because she thought she knew and was fine with it. Lizzie does pipe up with you were Tamra’s best friend, why tell us now, and he says because it is the truth. Le sigh. We have seen signs this season of Tamra saying that her kid hates her because she married Eddie. Is another divorce on the Whorizon?
Production knows full wlle the first half of the season sucks so they bombard us with tantalizing episodes to come. None of which will probably be next season.