By Guest Contributor Becky J.
I hope everybody is staying safe and dry in the midst of Irma. Prayers up for those whose homes and families are in jeopardy. At least we have good TV when reality is depressing, right?
Brandi, Stephanie and Cary are getting ready for their trip to Memphis. Cary has a sweatshirt that says “barbells & botox”—cute. Brandi’s little girls are wild! I got anxiety watching the younger one eat Doritos wearing a frilly white dress and wiping her fingers everywhere. Shudder.
D’Andra and her husband are discussing his son, Keatin, who recently dropped out of college and came to live with them. They are disappointed that Keaton doesn’t love living in Dallas and running D’Andra’s designer Ebay boutique. He wants to leave and D’Andra is taking it personally and doesn’t seem to have much empathy for a young kid who is struggling to find himself. It’s pretty normal to not have your shit together at the age of 20ish, right? Her orangey red lipstick in this scene is aging her and the matchy-matchy earrings, necklace, shirt, bracelet thing is too much.
The Memphis group arrives. The three women rejoice that they get to have a couple days off having sex with their husbands. Cary claims Mark needs sex daily, or at least five times a week. First, no wonder she’s in such good shape. Second, barf. Brandi reveals that reuniting with her EGF last season caused her Grandmother to stop talking to her. She hopes that she gets to see her Grandmother while she is in Memphis. This lady is no stranger to drama, that’s for sure.
Kameron is preparing to pitch the pink dog food line to her husband. She puts on a pink suit, creates a fifth-grade looking posterboard visual aid and borrows her daughter’s plastic princess wand to use as a pointer. This whole grown woman in head-to-toe pink Elle Woods charm is officially over for me. She lost me last week when she acted like a spoiled nasty bitch to Brandi at Cary’s house.
If Kameron wants her husband to take her seriously she should probably pay somebody to write her a business plan and figure out a pitch that doesn’t look like it belongs in the elementary school science fair. He listened to her non-pitch with dried blood (or ketchup) on his upper lip. I need him to wipe it. She asked for $100K he told her to make it happen for $10K cuz that’s what he’s willing to spend on “blonde business.” I hate everything about this segment.
Meanwhile in Memphis, the ladies go to Brandi’s family reunion. There is an infant present, which causes a flare up of Brandi’s baby fever. Apparently it’s contagious because Stephanie says she’ll have another baby if Brandi does. Cary observes this conversation in horror. The next day they go catfishing, which requires that they wear hip waders and touch worms. Housewife fish-out-of-water scenes are always good fun.
I just realized why I’ve been feeling so calm and living for this episode—no LeeAnne! Here’s the evil one getting ready to go out. She pouts to her boyfriend that Brandi didn’t invite her to Memphis. We all know she is incapable of a sincere concern for others, so she would have ruined the trip had she been included. Her boyfriend tries to cheer her up by getting down on one knee to tie his shoe and pretending to propose. Please don’t let this be foreshadowing of an annoying LeeAnne engagement. I probably won’t be able to live through a season of her saying, “It’s my wedding!”
Now we have dueling girls’ nights: Memphis and Dallas. Memphis starts out fun with a ride in a Cinderella-esque horse-drawn carriage while the Dallas ladies just do a plain old valet. I’m tiring of the Brandi/Stephanie dating analogies. We get it. They love each other. D’Andra and LeeAnne both need readers for the menu. I don’t know why, but this made me laugh. LeeAnne confesses a woman-crush on Kameron. She’s sure to say “not in a Stephanie way” which is typical.
In Memphis, Stephanie asks Brandi why she didn’t invite LeeAnne. Brandi admits she doesn’t trust LeeAnne around her family. She says her girls remember her coming home crying last season after LeeAnne hurt her feelings, so they are scared of her. I’m not sure I buy this, but I do understand not wanting to expose her family to that crazy person.
Kameron tells LeeAnne that she is not allowed in Brandi’s home. LeeAnne denies this, then thinks about it for a minute and starts to get mad. I said it last week, but Kameron is a natural (shit-stirrer). She’s good. The problem is I just don’t know if I have the capacity to passionately hate two Housewives from the same franchise. And Dallas already has LeeAnne. Wait—I pretty much hate everybody on OC right now. Okay, I’ll give it a try.
It’s so easy to dislike her. LeeAnne is at fake TV therapy again. She’s talking about how she wants to get engaged to Rich. Please save us from this storyline!
D’Andra and Jeremy confront Keatin about his lack of motivation in life. D’Andra is unreasonably mad that Keatin doesn’t want to live with them. Also, she has on an embroidered headscarf in this scene that is distracting me. She is a chronically over-accessorized person. D’Andra starts yelling and calling him selfish, then she ends by basically telling him he will never amount to anything in life. He stomps out. I don’t blame him.
Later, Keatin leaves. Like he moves out that night. She doesn’t have the loud headscarf on anymore, so maybe it’s the next night, it’s hard to tell. D’Andra is so emotional and saying feels like she let him down and can’t figure out what she did wrong. I’ve ever been a step parent, but I’m going to take a wild guess that trying to make him research and photograph designer dresses for Ebay and then screaming at him that he was failing at life wasn’t a super way to bond.
Brandi and her mom set out to see her Grandmother. Brandi is the one who goes to the door. She has a big bouquet of flowers. Grandma won’t answer the door, even though Brandi can hear her. I have a total deja vu of Kenya trying to see her mom in Detroit. Brandi is really sad. When she gets back to the hotel, the Memphis three get in bed together, drink wine and put on gold moisturising face masks. I love this trip!Seriously, this is how friends act. It’s nice to see. Also, they’re on WWHL tonight. FUN!
Next week, an awkward dinner party with Kameron, Court, Cary and Mark, maybe a gross carny proposal for LeeAnne (is my nightmare coming true?) and D’Andra is yelling at LeeAnne some more. Then everybody gets dressed up in fancy hats and yells at each other!