The last we saw Jax, our intrepid hero, he was on the hot seat. His possibly, maybe, someday engagement ring had won over Tan Mom and Mamaw but Daddy Don wasn’t as easily duped. So he sat Jax down for his ten thousandth “when are you getting married, son?” summit and put his feet to the fire. With Brittany pushing thirty and unmarried (gasp), their dicking around time was running short. But demands for the truth don’t scare our man Jax. He simply reached into his bag of tricks and pulled out a new tale to delay the inevitable: Brittany has lost her spark and as her loving partner, he can’t possibly marry her until they fix her. Yeah, he said that. Right now you’re probably making the same bitch, please face as Daddy Don. Look, no one ever claimed Jax was a genius. No one. Ever. But he is pretty good at committing to his own bullshit so if you make Brittany’s Spark your drinking word, you’ll probably be drunk by the end of the episode.
When we pick up, Daddy Don calls out Brittany’s Spark as an excuse to get out of marrying her. Jax is dumbfounded. How could Daddy Don think that? If Brittany was his daughter (shudder at the thought), he’d be grateful that her asshole boyfriend was concerned about her and her issues. Oh, Jax. You really are one of a kind. I hope. He begs Don to talk some sense into Brittany. He really, really wants to marry her. Really. But they have to fix her first. Sigh. Eventually Don realizes the futility of arguing with an idiot and they move on to pool and beer cheese.
Jax and Brittany go clubbing with Brittany’s friends. Jax makes it clear that he doesn’t want to judge but they are all unmarried mothers. He smugly points out that they obviously don’t know how to use birth control. I really need Arianna to show up and give him a lecture on male privilege but she’s not available so they all get drunk. Brittany’s Spark! When a friend drunkenly asks Jax when they’re going to have babies, he condescendingly responds that the way he does it is marriage and then babies. And this is the guy everyone is so eager to marry Brittany off to. Poor girl. Jax makes his rounds, telling all of Brittany’s friends about Brittany’s Spark. Everyone is so excited to be partying with an actual Tee Vee Star they swallow all of his lies. Well, everyone except Brittany’s best friend. She calls Jax out on all of the terrible things he says about Brittany. Jax takes it about as well as you’d expect (bluster and shouting). But what does she know? She’s divorced.
The next day, Jax (in a Tom Schwartz tshirt) and Brittany help her brother set up a benefit to raise funds for in his wife’s vitro fertilization. Jax marvels how old school a community benefit is. Don’t they know about GoFundMe? The work provides a perfect opportunity for Jax to bash Brittany’s friends for being unwed mothers. Again. Britney reminds him that he doesn’t have a right be judgemental. Does a certain bottle service girl in Vegas ring any bells? I assume pointing out Jax’s obvious hypocrisy is another example of Brittany’s lost Spark…
At the benefit, Jax pulls Tan Mom aside to discuss, you guessed it, Brittany’s Spark. He needs family members on his side and fame whore Tan Mom is his best bet. Across the room, Daddy Don sits Brittany down to see if there’s any truth to what Jax is saying. We get contrasting conversations. Brittany claims to be very happy with her life in LA. Jax maintains that she’s so depressed she sits on the couch and eats all day. Now, don’t get him wrong. He’s even more attracted to her at her current (larger) size. His concern is with Brittany’s happiness, not his own. Tan Mom doesn’t get alarmed until she realizes that Brittany’s Spark is going to delay the wedding. Now she has to get involved.
After Brittany’s brother makes a speech, Jax asks is he can speak. Daddy Don practically trips over himself getting a microphone. Everyone, including Brittany, think he’s going to propose. He doesn’t. He announces he’s going to match all of the funds raised. Jax likes being a hero. He gets so few opportunities he has to take them when he can. As the money starts flooding in, Jax’s face gets redder and redder. But I’m not crying for him. He’ll probably only have to host one Vegas party to cover the $12,000 he owes.
Daddy Don asks Tan Mom if Jax has come to her her about Brittany’s Spark. As expected, Tan Mom believes Jax. She will do and think anything to get her celebrity wedding. Daddy Don, on the other hand, believes Brittany. He says it’s like Jax and Brittany are telling two totally different stories. You think?
Next week: Jax goes to church and then hunting. Tan Mom tells Brittany that Jax thinks she’s depressed. Brittany’s Spark! And Jax meets the man Brittany was living with when she met Jax (scandal).